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  1. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Morning Pages   
    I want to say I’m tired, I want to say I’m beaten, I want to say I’m breaking down.. but can I say all that..does saying negative words make my day worse and should I be saying positive affirmations instead..should I be grateful that I managed to sleep last night..should I be grateful that I still have my appetite..grateful for the little things like the delicious tidbits my sis gave me..grateful that even though this house is toxic, I can still travel to my sis place..grateful that I have a nice sister..grateful that things can be worse but they are not..its easy to forget to love myself..it’s easy to forget to forgive myself..but I’m holding on to feeling grateful..I know there are things to be grateful for..I just have to force myself to search for them..
  2. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, I've Been Thinking   
    I'm in a bad way. I believe I just need some time to heal through it, and I'll be okay. Hold my nerve for a minute, and I'll survive this bout.
    But I've been thinking.
    I don't know that this is an unhealthy way of being. I suppose it's not healthy... maybe more reasonably, it's not a irrational way of being.
    Life is ****ing miserable. That's the reality. We're born alone, we die alone. Every day we fight for survival, against a world that ultimately doesn't support our life. Our actions are futile, without deeper meaning, and that deaper meaning can only be perceived by us and other people.... and it's so easily skewed. What we today hold as beautiful and meaningful, we next year distance ourselves from.
    I'm not going anywhere. I've got things that I want to do. But damn... I'm not here because I want to be. I'm here because I think I can create something worthwhile in this world, I think I can have a beautiful impact on it; I think I can enrich lives. Put forth the beauty in my soul, in the form of my work, my art, and use my actions to spread as much kindness as I am able, to ease the pain of others and strengthen others.
    But I am here, for a temporary purpose. To do my work and go.
    This life is ultimately suffering.
    Is that so irrational?
    I look around at the people around me, and I am not envious: I would not live their lives. I would only barely live my own. I am not here to just exist. I am here for everything or nothing. But the older I get, the more everything looks like a lie.
    I need to escape this depression.
  3. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, "You have to love yourself." What BS.   
    All of this pop psychology dogma says that I have to love myself. Am I the only one who thinks that's a massive load of bullsh!t? What's there to love about me? I suck grievously in a myriad of ways. I can't do anything right. The universe conspires to force everything I try to do right off the rails. I don't know why I even bother to try.
    I thought I had made this stupendous breakthrough at work today. I actually felt excited for a change. Yeah...well, no. It was just another false hope in an endless string of false hopes. As soon as I discovered my breakthrough was a mirage put forth to tease me once again, I fell back into my normal state of despair.
    The only function I have in this universe is to siphon off bad luck from other people so they can enjoy their lives more.
  4. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, I can’t do this anymore.   
    I can’t do this anymore. Why do I keep trying. What’s there worth trying for. I’m sick of this life, I’m sick of myself, I’m the worst idiot in the world, a freak that’s too cowardly to **** herself. I have nothing worth living for.
    I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to live this life. I don’t want to get up to face her. But what choice do I have. I always end up pushing myself cos I really got no choice. I’m the idiot who married and stupidly agreed to live with her. I only have myself to blame. If I had known all this would happen, would I have disagreed to marry and just remain single for the rest of my life while all my sisters and cousins get married and have children? Why why why why I constantly ask myself, what is so nice about getting married and how do the others handle it? Of course they probably have more understanding families than I do. Or they have more resilience than me. Whatever it is, here I am in this house that’s not mine with a daughter I’m now responsible for but yet for the life of me I don’t feel like she is my daughter at all and so so many time I want to just give her up and give her to other families. Why why why why why did I ask for a child. Why do I ask for things then regret asking for it. Why did I ask for marriage then regret asking for it. Why does everything have to end up with problems after problems after problems. What the hell am I supposed to do. Just accept that life sucks, there’s never a solution cos every solution comes with its own set of problems and there’s no ending to it. None. Zero. Ziltch. I gotto force myself. Keep forcing myself. Just keep swimming forward even though all I feel like doing is running away. But I can’t. There’s just nothing I can do about it.
    I hate how there is nowhere for me to go to, no one that can help me out. Except for myself. I’m blaming myself a hundred percent cos I’m the one who can’t control my emotions. Where is the story at now.. So mil refused to give me the house keys cos of some incident some time ago where I keep running away and she said I treat the house like a hotel..fine..if you take away the keys then open the door when I press the doorbell for goodness sake..oh u can’t cos ur feeding the baby? Then gimme back the house keys so u don’t have to run to the door when I’m at the door..does that not make your life easier? Do I not sleep there at night cos my husband is there? Are my clothes not all at your house? Where else am I supposed to go? Ok so now it’s my fault cos I’m impatient when waiting for u to finish feeding the baby just so u can answer the door..oh it’s my attitude? Of course it’s my attitude cos u take away the house keys and make me feel unwelcome in the house. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? Change my attitude. Right. Just snap my fingers and I can change my attitude to love you. Of course it’s so easy why did I not think of that?
  5. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, wasnt prepared for the life after depression   
    i tell myself writing doesnt help but neither does holding it all in.   im beyond lost. im beyond sad. im beyond lonely. i took a step back from everything this past year to protect myself and all its done is show me how alone i am in this big world. I sadly built my walls back up and just sit inside thinking. I didnt push anyone away. i just stopped "begging" for conversation and time and apparently everyone was happy to rid of me.   everyone around me is literally getting married and having babies and its truly ******* me. its the one thing i wanted in life...to be a mom. and no matter how many time i ask god why, or what my purpose is, or whats his plan for me....deep down i know im going to grow old alone. i think about it all the time and i cant stop. why was i not meant to be a mom? why dont i get to have a family? why do i have to grow old all by myself? i try to convince myself that i would be an awful mom and my poor child will have depression and thats why god isnt allowing it. but i read online about all these parents overdosing with their babies nearby or these horrible parents abusing their child and i think to myself...why did they get to be parents?   i joined groups that share the same interest as I, ive made contacts but not outside the group meetings. I got involved in my community and again, no contacts out side the group meetings. I secretly wished id meet someone to date with hopes to evolve my life and at the very very least...make a friend. i even joined yet another dating site....i think this is the 5th one.    Every week im reminded from my mom how sad she is and how much she hates her life, and how much she thought how life would be different. (she wants to be a nana badly and my brother/sister-inlaw cant have kids)) I know her comments arent trying to hurt me, she is just expressing her hurt. I dont tell her my thoughts, i let her believe im happy how my life is (cause she over worries). but it truly kills me to see how sad and upset she is. she has to listen to her brothers/sisters talk about their grandkids and i know she is jealous and hurt. My cousin who has been alone her whole life like me, had mental health issues like me...all of a sudden out of the blue got married this year and literally just had a baby and i know now my mom is now concerned about me. I wish more than anything that i would find a guy to love me so i can make her and my wish come true. but what if its not in my cards? im convinced i dont deserve to be a mom but my mom deserves to be a grandmother. why doesnt god hear our cries? what did i do wrong? im almost 40...my days of being a mom are coming to an end   im scared of my future. once my parents are gone...thats it...I will officially have no one to talk to...my holidays will be alone. i will be completely alone. I watched my grandparents deteriorate and how everyone stepped in to help with food shopping, doctors appts, taking meds, and just every day care. Im very concerned how I will get by at that age when i have no family (and probably no money to hire anyone). Ive seen how many get neglected in nursing homes, and how my grandparents didnt get care unless one of us specifically hunted down a nurse.     i know people will respond with "everyone deserves happiness" but im kinda convinced that perhaps i really don't. I talk to god daily...im in no means spiritual.. id just like to believe that someone is listening to me, even though part of my knows im just talking to myself. I do believe everything happens for a reason, so there must be a reason why life is this way, i just cant grasp what it could be. a life of no love, no companionship, no hugs, no kisses, no "i love you", no "have a good day", no "drive safely" no "good mornings or good nights" just complete solitude.     during all my years of struggles with depression i would fight thru my days with thoughts that life would get better. and yes, things got better, i no longer have haunting thoughts and such, but this isnt quite the life i anticipated. and i dont know how to go up from here.  
  6. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, They Did Nothing   
    "What did they do to you?" I was asked by someone on here a few years ago.
    Well a lot was done. Nasty effects, but also, what wasnt done could be just as harming..
    Grade 1 or 2 report card...i cant remember which:
    "Natasha often appears to be very sad and listless in class."
    It was noticed, but no one did anything. It stopped right there.
    There was also a comment that fit in with my ADD diagnosis, but i cant fault them for that, as im old and they didnt know about it back then...i think they didnt know at all.
    Too bad they always turned their eyes during the verbal bullying.
    But why not the sadness? Is it normal for a 6 year old to be that sad that it ends up on her report card from what can only be assumed to be concern? A teacher can only go so far. Her job was done.
    But thats where it stopped.
    There was more to the sadness than meets the eye. The sadness/depression was really just a symptom of something else. How could they know right?
    Why was there no concern at home?.
  7. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, When I'm Weak   
    I'm vulnerable now.... I'm worn down, and I'm at my lowest. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge.
    Today I had someone screaming about me... they've never spoken so much as a word to me. They just know my name.... and expected... I don't know what. But to them, I am the devil.
    I am not the evil you perceive. I wish you no harm, I am here to help if I am able... I don't need anything in return. I care about you, because you exist... you have a soul, conscious thought and a plethora of feeling and experience, that makes you the beauty I want to build in this world.
    I am not the devil.
    People hate me sometimes.... a lot of the time actually. It's always strangers... that's not to imply anything, it's just the way it unfolds. I've kind of suspected this is my illness convincing of things, putting words into peoples mouths. Maybe that's true to some extent, but that it hurts when it gets reinforced.
    It doesn't take much to push me over the edge these days.
    I'm close to checking out. It's hard hanging on.
    I don't hate you.
    If you see evil in me... it is not coming from me. We just misunderstand each other, if we give it a moment, and speak a little, we'll find something that isn't hate.
    I'm sorry for any harm I cause.... please understand that I have done my best to cause none... I am sorry if I have failed you in that.
  8. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Jjayy2 for a blog entry, Shits...   
    I’m not gonna sugar coat it.
    past a few weeks I’ve been constantly going down hill falling into pits and now I’m just deep in this hole at the bottom.
    im tired of trying.
    my mental is just unstable.
    i just wrecked myself multiple times.
    my anger control is non existent.
    i lose one after another. 
    Physically I’m all ****ed up
    mentally im ****ed up.
    i feel damn hopeless
    A bomb that’s about to go off any minute
    **** everything
  9. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Still hating myself   
    I hate myself so much. I know what I’m supposed to do but why am I not doing it. I hate myself. Being in this house makes me hate myself. Cos I do stupid things. Cos life is stupid. Cos I hate god for letting me live. I’m so irritated with everything. I’m so irritated with my mil specifically. I get like this when I need to go to the kitchen to get a drink but she is in the kitchen. Then I’ll end up sitting in my room and hating myself and wasting my time like that. Why do I do this. Is taking a drink that important? I used to actually just buy mineral water from the store and keep in my room to drink just cos of this stupid issue which I myself create. But guess what. That old woman asked to buy her mineral water from the store too. I’m so irritated cos I’m not that rich to buy for myself yet I have no choice, why must she get just because I have it. How can I not hate her. How do I stop hating her. And happen my husband is angry with me today. All he does is sleep. Yes he helps out a lot these days but he is still being a bossy person. Told me to sweep the floor by 9.30am today. Do this do do that do this do that. Even the cat is irritating me with her fur shedding.
  10. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, Building   
    I had a bad night the other night.
    Haven't been that low in a while.
    I think my mind and body are coming back from it a bit, but I've got to be honest, even clear and calm... I want out.
    Kind of setting the target as a set date a few months into next year.
    I'm tired, and I've tried enough. I'm tired.
    But, if I'm here, I want to do something epic with it. Do or die, because really.... why not? It doesn't take courage if there's no downside... it's just existing.
    I've got a bit more clarity now. I'm getting more done as a result. I'm clearer.
    Please don't take my words as any suggestion as to how you should handle anything similar. This is my walk in life. Yours is different, and your own.
  11. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Apollo 11 and other pipedreams   
    I have mentioned this before, I believe.
    One of my first memories was the Apollo 11 mission, Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins, June 1969. To be honest, I probably didn't see it live nor really remember it at the time.  But my first long standing "what do you want to be when you grow up" - dream was to be an astronaut. To see the stars "up there", perhaps the rings of Saturn too and a galaxy or three á la Star Trek, cause surely we would be there by 2001!!
    I would remember Aldrin or Armstrong moonwalking. The real deal not the Michael Jackson version. Haha. 
    "I'll be doing that someday".
    That was the thought I held onto until reality dashed my dreams into a million pieces when I was a teen. 
    I realized I hadn't the clout either mentally or physically to ever be even considered on a future moon mission or whatever. Then there was the school bullying too, which pretty much crushed any little self esteem or confidence I still had left in me.
    Later on, fast forward 10 years or so more I realized I wouldn't even get a college degree in physics or math. I just couldn't get my head around any of it. I couldn't get my head around anything. I am that stupid. If for nothing else then dreaming. 
    Then there was the disillusionment of the 80's and 90's when I realized humanity wasn't interested in actually making a future. It was obsessed with making money, keeping hold of it and in effect creating a new dark age of fossil fuels and disinformation, which has continued to this day. I also realized the whole "race to space" thing  of the 1960's was fueled by cold war politics and striving to being the top dog in world politics.
    Humanity didn't actually have the clout to go "up there", so to speak, in the first place. It was like the giant pyramids of Giza of 4000 years ago.
    At the end of the day the pyramids  were a colossal waste of human life for the glorification of men who thought themselves gods. Ingenious to be sure, but totally pointless in the sense that the culture itself wasn't really up to the job. 
    Neither did we really have the resources or the true technology to actually make going into space really worth the effort. All we proved was "yeah we were there". But to date we are still here, on earth making a mess of everything, suffering from overpopulation, poverty, discrimination, using up natural resources and and being so complacent it's not funny at all.
    God I hate us. 
    Nowadays I see no future for myself either.
    I don't want to live in this world. I have no idea how it could even change to anything resembling good. 
    I will  never do what I dreamed for the simple reason I don't have dreams anymore. Nothing in life is worth the effort. I have lived for over 50 years and as far as dreams are concerned, it would have been better if I had died when Apollo 11 was over.
    My life really ended then.
    Dreams don't really exist. Not for the likes of me.
  12. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, ###$$%^^&***::%$$$^&*,;;"   
    $%;:""*(¥€%##stupid$^&*:%%$#^&**;^^^^$^^ piece of s hit %&&;"$=##^&(;;^%$$;&*&:: worthless "^&*//^ ^$$#:;*&%$#":;&&^^fat cow #%^&"%_=÷÷%&*&;; lazy ass ^&&$$$#%^&*:%%$ spazz $%*¥£^%$##'vhjnhghhjnbbggghhhnv ^&%$":&**&^ hgfghjhhjjfffddcghhhn dipshit &&%%^&&&^; dingbat &&^%%$$%^&&**,,;;^&& $&&€%%$##$"^^^twat"$#÷&**€&***&^"##@%^
  13. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, H. C. Andersen   
    I am a fake. Not real. What people see isn't me. There isn't a "me". 
    I don't deserve any thanks or gratification. None of my so called achievements(that have lead me absolutely nowhere with little if any sense of accomplishment) have any meaning or value. 
    I am always dissatisfied and empty. Nothing feels authentic. Only the anger I harbour is real. The hatred and frustration I feel. The hopelessness. That is authentic.
    Everything else is just a fairy tale.
  14. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Made in Britain   
    Back in the day I was lucky enough to see the gritty and realistic movie ”Made in Britain”. It’s a drama tragedy of a sixteen year old skinhead on a collision course with pretty much everything. Tim Roth is absolutely amazing as the angry young racist skinhead, Trevor. I believe it was his first major role. 
    I was drawn to the sheer intensity of Trevor. I felt sorry for him and even then I realized I had more in common with him than I would openly admit.
    I was often confused as a skinhead due to my hair(always cropped at the time) and the jeans and m65 type jacket I wore at the time(actually I still have a m65, it’s a classic!). I was more interested in the punk scene though and I have never been a racist.

    Not that original, late 1960’s early 70’s skinheads were racist. I had a friend who introduced me to ska, which was the original skinhead choice of music, and rocksteady and the two tone scene.  It was love at first “beat”. . I still listen to the likes of Prince Buster, Desmond Dekkar,, Skatalites and Toots and the Maytals, not to mention the 80’s the Specials, the Beat or Madness..
    But I digress. The film  also spoke to me because I felt a bit homesick(I was born in the UK), despite the grittiness of 80’s U.K. I was living in a foreign land(not telling where, I am too paranoid) and though I had lived there for years I just didn’t feel at home. I also hated the 80’s with a vengeance, which added to the feeling of alienation.
    But it wasn’t this that spoke to me. It was Trevor’s anger. I realized that though I was nowhere near as close as he was with clashing with everything, I shared his rage towards everything. Most importantly I was angry with myself. I probably didn’t realize it at the time, but listening  to the Exploited’s UK 82 - track just a moment ago, which also featured in the film, it all came back to me. 
    I realized that despite the trouble I had fitting in, or perhaps because of it, I also didn’t “fit in” with myself. And I realized I still feel the same.
    It is stuff like this that crushes me. The fact that I am essentially still the same at 50+ as I was at 16-17. I am as clueless and lost now as I was then. Mad at everything and everyone and still, there is not a place on earth where I feel comfortable.
    Not even here on df.
  15. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from nojoy for a blog entry, Epic Fail   
    Well, like everything else in my pathetic life, my attempt at getting back into an exercise regime has completely failed. I really don't have the desire. I'm tired of being out of shape but I can't convince myself to do anything about it.
    Work is just one frustrating event after another. I'm sick of dealing with the pettiness of the employees I'm supposed to manage. I'm a hands-off style manager and rarely ask much of them. But right now, I need to reassign some responsibilities and I've run smack into a brick wall. You'd think I had asked the employee to jump into a sewage pool or something.
  16. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Epic Fail   
    Well, like everything else in my pathetic life, my attempt at getting back into an exercise regime has completely failed. I really don't have the desire. I'm tired of being out of shape but I can't convince myself to do anything about it.
    Work is just one frustrating event after another. I'm sick of dealing with the pettiness of the employees I'm supposed to manage. I'm a hands-off style manager and rarely ask much of them. But right now, I need to reassign some responsibilities and I've run smack into a brick wall. You'd think I had asked the employee to jump into a sewage pool or something.
  17. Like
    JD4010 reacted to jeffreyd for a blog entry, Ketamine and beyond   
    Been a little bit since I entered anything, Sept 29th actually.  I had my first (and last) ketamine injection on Oct 1. It was not the spray, it was an injection. Supposed to do at least 4, maybe 8 sessions. Do the shot, experience the effects, then talk about stuff. My doc had me put on headphones with some playlist he thought would help the experience. And an eye mask. About 3-4 minutes after the shot it hit me. No long description here, but I did wonder if I was dead a few times. Not all pleasant, not all terrible, but not something I care to do again. Felt very sluggish and unsteady afterwards, and very nauseous. No profound revelations. No suppressed memories .Just a weird experience. 
    Took me at least a day to feel completely normal again. Think I may have felt a tiny bit of depression relief for a few hours afterwards? But it was hard to tell because I was still feeling the effects. Read a lot more about ketamine, and decided this was not for me. I can't tell you the thought I put into that, I was really hoping and praying this was some kind of magic bullet. I know I did not complete the series, but it was just something I was not comfortable with. 
    At any rate, now what? I realized today what drugs can do. They can really save your ass, like the 14 years or so of Paxil. Changed my life for the better. Since then, no such luck. Nothing really helping with depression, and then the anxiety kicked in too. There is a drug for everything it seems. Even side effects. I decided to ween off the clonazepam I am taking for anxiety, because I think I am building a tolerance, and do not want to be physically hooked on it. I almost feel like I am already. If I do not take any for some time I get headaches and feel really shitty, plus the anxiety amps up, like rebound anxiety. I also think it makes me more depressed. I can see how people get in this cycle, antidepressants, benzos, alcohol... leads down a dark road. Need to try to clean my head up. I'm trying CBD oil again for now, and weening off clonazepam. 
    Realized one of the odd things is how I used to be more confident, and comfortable being alone. There were days I would love to be on my own, nobody at home. Or have a night to myself. Lately I am seeking companionship, connections. Do not like being alone. Feel like reaching out, having someone understand and relate to where I am now. I am not sure where I am on my journey, hopefully getting better. Running out of med options, and am really trying to get better via therapy. These times have been the hardest I have ever gone thru in my life. Keep going, every day. No matter how much it hurts. Got to do it, for my family. For me. I want to appreciate life again.
    Just need to find purpose too. Some driving force... something to motivate me that brings me joy. My kids are in college now, so the nest is empty, and that is really hitting hard. I do not enjoy my job, and work from home alone a lot too, which makes me feel isolated. I do not drink really, so looking forward to parties, happy hours, and anything that centered around drinking is not there anymore. Need to work on myself. More self compassion and self esteem. Less worrying, less ruminating. Do stuff, find something that brings you joy. This is my mission. Meds or no meds, it will happen. 
  18. Like
    JD4010 reacted to nojoy for a blog entry, Another new thought   
    I keep seeing these quotes on facebook. And sometimes one will stick in my thoughts. So I have found that if I write about what I think of the quotes, it helps me in a good way.
    Today's quote:
                    "You're not being selfish for wanting to be treated well"
    I wonder how many of us with depression have been brainwashed into believing that others should come first and our feelings don't matter and it doesn't matter how we are treated.
    I was taught that my entire life. I have finally learned this lesson. I deserve to have what I want. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. If I want an fried egg sandwich, I can fix it, doesn't matter that I am only fixing it for me. If I can't handle today, I can sit and play computer games all day. 
    I would add to the quote:  "and you're not being selfish by putting yourself first". 
    So, do what you need to get through the day. if it means working or cleaning or staying in bed with a good book or binge watching tv, do it. If you need a day to yourself with no one around, take that day.  
    I'm taking today. I was supposed to go out of town with family to take care of some business, but plans changed. I tend to get upset when plans change but today I'm going to do whatever I want, not sure what it will be but it will be for me
  19. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from womanofthelight for a blog entry, Last night was a bust   
    I've been so weary as of late. I got home from work last night with every intention to go for a walk. Sat down in my recliner "for a minute" and Ziva the cat jumped into my lap. I woke with a start 90 minutes later and it was dark outside. No walk.
    Today I walked 4 blocks to a mailbox and back to send a letter to a friend in prison. I skipped work this afternoon and napped for an hour, again with Ziva. After that I was able to shove my carcass out the door and go for about a 1/2 mile walk. I guess that counts as a victory.
  20. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Gisele for a blog entry, Mercury   
    I’m not entirely sure but I think I was pregnant with my first when my husband unwittingly started a game that persists to this day. He sent me a text message. I can’t recall what it said or what it was even about but do recall that it was unusually incoherent, just not so incoherent to dissuade me from meandering along several tangents to the broader question: what the absolute **** did that even say!?
    After enough head scratching I think I called him with that very question. And he said something along the lines of “Ah yeah, that, well, predictive text strangled it and I know you’re smart enough to work it out.” I could have replied in any number of ways but since we’re here in Honesty Land I would be quite certain it wasn’t to thank him warmly for his faith in me. Still haven’t mastered that.
    My love and gratitude tends to be more oblique. Something along the lines of “If you can’t be bothered, then neither can I’ wouldn’t just be his recollection. So it endures, we get what we are given and Mercury, patron of all text messaging, is a cruel god. I type betterer and gooder than he so it is me that pays the heavier price, sometimes literally as asking for more attracts a …umm, penalty of sorts, let’s say. Still, it amuses us. It could amuse me more. While he is a bottomless cup of true love in all the meaningful places he has absolutely no mercy in the lighter places. None. And I won’t yield. Not to him. I might love it but that doesn’t mean I’m never neck deep in hating it. You couldn’t even call it an impasse.
    For all that though, something may have to give. Lucy was on the wrong end of it and while that outcome happened to be benign enough for me to be sitting here writing about it, I still haven’t escaped a baleful ride into the worst of my imagination. I sent him a message, to pick her up from her friend’s house, at 2:15, and to go by somewhere on the way home to pick up a something and there was a third thing. As usual, type, be free to talk to whoever else with my spare hand and send because he, for all his cleverness is merely a tourist to written English and I am its servant. He could tell you what the quantum of whatever at room temperature or some shit is, in a second, and has a really, really annoying ability to see through Christmas wrap but … you get it.
    Might be my fault though, if we’re being fair. What he saw (and what a jury would see if it ever got to that) is to pick up Lucy from 215 Whatever St and blah, blah, etc. All is well that ends well though. As much as that is an easier path the three of 4 people in this house that aren’t me. Lucy herself saw to that.
    She didn’t appear to be at all put out, unlike myself. I’m afraid her sister might have had a hand in acquainting her with the specifics of why her dad was an hour late and half a city off course. So later in the day, she strode purposefully but not entirely convincingly in her furry slippers into the lounge where her dad was mopping up the last of my fretfulness and …
    Had. Her. Say.
    It was really rather impressive; part soliloquy, part loaded question, part wail of abandonment, and perhaps more besides until I think a lack of breath made her a bit dizzy. She steadied herself and laboured a frustrated air like children do and found her crescendo. She had kicked her slippers off mid-rant so was barefoot for the kick after the siren. She took a step forward … leant out on her right foot, like a Roman Consul, waggled her finger airily without pointing it and announced in the most intellectually indifferent tone I have ever heard from someone under 21 that he and me “need to do rather better’. And sauntered right off.
    I don’t know if it was pure relief. I don’t know if it was the extraordinary floorshow. I don’t know if it was suddenly because 7 just became the new 30 right in front of our eyes, I don’t know anything really. I just know it took all that I could not to burst out with laughter.  The best sort of laughter I mean. Proud laughter. I couldn’t have that misconstrued so I hid my face in my husband’s lap and erupted silently. Which made my face hurt. Suddenly I had an awareness that there were still tradesmen in the yard and probably had a real good line of site through the window and , if they just happened to, the scene that confronted them would look really quite x-rated so I grabbed a cushion and stuffed my face into that instead,
    [Forensically minded husbands must love lipstick. It’s like blood on snow.]
    When I thought I had control, I swear I saw some colour had drained from his face, like he had just seen his own mother standing right there before him in a seven year old body. And it’s so true. It was frighteningly and beautifully reminiscent  
    I suppose now, after the what-ifs are done, I just feel utterly enchanted by my baby girl’s … I don’t even know what to call it. Just one of those moments I suppose.
    On an intellectual level, it appeals to me a great deal too. In the interminable war between. Nature and Nurture, I have always been a loyal foot-soldier in the proud but beleaguered Nature army. I had to be because Nurture was never there. Nurture was a singular ****.
    But Nature was. Right there, Across generations that never got to meet.
    You would think motherhood would change my mind. Nurture is all I can do. All I do do. All I would want to do.
    Holy hell, my kids are raising me good
  21. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, Wannabe   
    The only audition i have ever won was getting into two universities to study the flute. Auditioned for 4. Good old Doug Stewart could always be counted on at the University of Toronto for bring an elitist dick. When Camille (i think it was her) asked him if he wanted me to play "the Hindemith" (crap cant remember if i spelled that composers name right) as it was my other piece...Doug's response? Lol. A disgusted grimace and head shake as if to say oh God no, why would you torture me?
    I guess there was the audition for the christian band, but i dont think they had lots of people jumping in there.
    I should have seen the signs you know? Not getting into performance program, my experience with Doug the Dick, always being asked in the band to sound like someone else (guess what? Im not someone else)...giving the piano stuff to a non piano person in the band because lol it didnt matter that im a piano teacher...the list could go on. 
    My audition today. I guess it was decent. But i am simply not good enough. For anyone and anything.
    Im 46. And i finally see. 
    Im a stupid wannabe with no talent or skill.
  22. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Kick in the eye (a nod to Kerouac)   
    This is part of something  I wrote to someone that pretty much sums me up:
    "... my "problems" are more existential and ethical in nature than truly in the psychological realm. I have seen a plethora of psychiatrists and therapists representing different approaches to mental health issues and though on the whole they haven't really made me feel any better, they have all pointed out that my intellectual ruminations if you will and my world view at least in part constitute to my current (and nearly life long) pessimistic disposition.  As yet I see little reason to change it. I can't just will myself to think positively. I would only be lying to myself. I need a reason to think positively about myself and the world at large."
    I need to figure it out. There is nothing new in any of this, as any of you who have read my rants know. 
    Still though, my approach to life has always been an intellectual exercise (in futility haha) and the honest truth is I dont know how to live. 
    So if I am not around as much, I am doing martial arts, making sigils, psycho geography and/or testing if "in vino veritas" is, in fact, true.
    Perhaps life is a koan. We either get it or we don't.
  23. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Void is anger   
    I hate myself.
    I hate life, this world, people.
    I am angry all the time.
    Apparently angry people die younger, so there's that.
    I am old enough now, thank you very much.
  24. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, How many false starts?   
    I have made so many false starts towards getting myself back into shape. To think, I was in such great condition only five years ago. Now I'm a sugar-addicted blob that sits in a recliner most of its "free time." At work, the same blob sits at a desk all day.
    Somewhere along the line, I developed an aversion to sweating. Part of that is from not wanting to stink at work. Part of it is that even walking a short distance has me huffing and puffing like a worn out steam locomotive. I'm also self-conscious about walking around outside where other people can see me because I sweat so much. It's embarrassing.
    Enough excuses. It's time to get moving again. I just returned from walking around the outside of the building where I work. Not quite long enough of a distance to work up a sweat. I plan on going for a mile walk after I'm done at work today.
  25. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Last night was a bust   
    I've been so weary as of late. I got home from work last night with every intention to go for a walk. Sat down in my recliner "for a minute" and Ziva the cat jumped into my lap. I woke with a start 90 minutes later and it was dark outside. No walk.
    Today I walked 4 blocks to a mailbox and back to send a letter to a friend in prison. I skipped work this afternoon and napped for an hour, again with Ziva. After that I was able to shove my carcass out the door and go for about a 1/2 mile walk. I guess that counts as a victory.
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