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JD4010

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  1. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Sigil magic   
    I dabble.
    “Chaos magic “. I am not entirely sure do I believe any of it (probably not) but that is beside the point, apparently. Perhaps chaos magic is just glorified mindfulness. Haha.
    Thing is, I found a piece of paper with a scribbling on it. Something that looked like an ancient Irish “triskele”. Then I remembered I had drawn it, according to my “wish”, or spell if you will, into the Universe, a few months ago. Funny thing though, I don’t really remember what it was I wished. 
    Now, according to chaos magic (the whole point is to go with your gut, there is no right or wrong, no ritual you have to adhere to) it’s part of the process to “forget” what it is you want to happen. The point is you focus your intent into the formation of the sigil and then when you do the “spell” part. But it is not obligatory or even necessary to focus on your precise wish. 
    Well I got that part right. Hahaha.  
    I completed the spell though, just today. And since then I have felt ... 
    Beside myself? In a good(ish) way? I don’t know to be honest. I feel different.
    Once the “spell”, if you can even call it a spell, is completed, one should try and forget about it and leave it to the Universe  ( read: your subconscious) to sort out the details.
    I have done something similar in the past and then I nearly died of fright. But that was because I invoked..something. This time it was more about sorting my life out - I think.
    It will remain to be seen.
     
     
  2. Like
    JD4010 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Week of July 17th   
    It's dark days.... It's all I can do to get myself out there.  It's all I can do to take a shower every three days. Thank god I work in an office.  I've been doing my minimal route - about 5-7 minutes, depending on how my ankle is feeling.  God, I love hormones.  Not.  I really need some positivity and encouragement this week.
                           
     
                  
     
    Wed July 17th   .28mi/6 mins - so hard to get out....
    Thu July 18th   .28mi/6 mins - and a shower. I feel like going back to bed, but I have important reports due Aug 1 & 15.  So work it is.
    Fri July 19th  .56mi/9 mins
    Sat July 20th
    Sun July 21st
    Mon July 22nd
    Tue July 23rd
     
    Friday, July 19th:  Dark days might be starting to lift a little - I actually went on my medium length loop this morning.  Granted, I couldn't get out of bed when I wanted to, but I did it - and I felt a tiny bit more energy about doing it than I have the last week or so. 
  3. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, So, what's the path?   
    It's all mapped out. Here's this unhappy place that I was, and here are a whole bunch of stepping stones along the way to a potentially better place. Or at least, a place that may lead to a better place.
    ...
    That's not how it works.
    But that's what I'm doing.
    I can get myself from a very dark place, to an objectively amazing place very quickly, because of the unique state my life is in.
    That seems like a path that I need to follow, and indeed, want to follow.
     
    But... there's more.
     
    I'm deeply suicidal right now. It occupies my mind for several hours a day, it is an incredibly overpowering need. I am deeply unhappy with my life, with myself and with the world around me... but that's my illness.
    My first instincts are, in all honesty:
    1: Rely on work. Build epic shit. Really epic shit. Seriously, what I planned to do over the next 15 years would be pretty insane in that timeframe, I think I can get it done in 3-4 years. I can re-shape my world, and I will. I need to be moving at a breakneck speed. Stagnation is a very unhealthy state for me to be in. There's a certain flow of things, in any area of life, where things move quickly at times and are still at others... it's being restful in those still moments that's been hurting me. There is more that I am capable of.
    2: Mind altering, in one way or another. I don't care if it's meditation or mushrooms. The journey is as much spiritiual as anything, but for the first time in my life I am afraid of meditation. I know what's in my mind; I would want a straight jacket, and heavy supervision if I were to meditate. Maybe that means I should, because **** it, let's run the gauntlet. But it's not going to be quick... and man, it's going to get messy.... I'm not good right now, and there's some stuff right there under the surface... maybe I need to deal with it. Probably best to deal with it in privacy, on my own time, rather than let it happen in public.
    3: I need to stop living within myself. I tend to isolate, as I guess a lot of us do... either because I can trust my answers more, or just trust myself more, or because I'm too self centered because my problems are the most real to me, however much I try to be otherwise. I need to keep working on opening up... trust a little more, and give a little more. I'm going to be doing a lot more charity work on an ongoing basis, which is a start, but it's deeper than that... it's the routine. Everything is about routine. We are what we repeatedly do, and I need to work on that.
  4. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Morning Pages   
    I really just want to give up. I really do. People are so tiring to deal with. I’m such a loser and a slow worker. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I’m just hating myself and hating my life and losing sight of my purpose. Sigh. Oh gosh. I’m probably having PMS. I hate this. 
    What can I feel incredibly grateful for right now? McDonald’s 
    How could I have fun right now? Not now, but at 10:30 I can watch one of the new anime that aired. 
    How could I demonstrate love or excellence right now? By just doing the laundry and cleaning my messy room. 
    How can I make this moment better? By telling myself today is going to be a good day. 
    What’s the main thought that will be most helpful for my life now? Life is good cos I’m gonna lock myself in my room and face not a single person today. 
  5. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Gisele for a blog entry, Kids   
    I feel sorry for the kids today that are working in retail. The world that you and I are part of does not treat them well. All they really want to do is their sh*t job with sh*t hours and sh*t pay is get through school and onto to the job they might actually want. And it seems the world that was once these kids conveniently forgets that. 
    It used to be easy. Do you have this cut in something OTHER than lemon or chartreuse? And the girl would say either "Yes we do" or "I wish" or ...you get it. Now they have to background it or talk you into another bullsh*t loyalty scheme or get your postcode or have some freak from middle-management hovering over them or whatever. It isn't because they want to. It is because they probably just want to keep their sh*t job. 
    I shudder to think of what a minefield "Does my bum look big in this?" has become. There were only ever two answers: "God no" and "I wish I had your bum". Easy-peezy. Now there's probably a five-point plan from HR to combat this evil Byzantine scourge. 
    So a special mention to the young boy called Nathan whose name I know this because I asked him. Once upon a time, it might have been written brightly across a name tag. That was until some pretentious flog decided these things should be part of an accreditation stored in  microfiche on a tiny laminated square dangling from a lanyard not even be of interest to MI5 at a bomb-making workshop. Nathan so,d me a new phone. And was very helpful. I told him I wanted an XS, that it be black and that whatever plan it was on was going to be paid in full in advance. Equally importantly, I told him this must come with a new number because I always change both at the same time and same time every year and that's probably because I'm strange like that. Being young, flexible and not hung up on much, he did not flinch. And was otherwise money-savingly insightful. 
    Which is where Fred Astaire comes in. I will call him that because a. I did not ask him his name and b. Because he shuffled over creepily on two-left feet and so much so that I think his bigger, better lanyard might actually be a strangulation hazard. He was not helpful. He was a pain in the arse and took my specific, cogent, totally lucid request to be an interest in a Samsung. I said I'd rather eat sh*t and also said Nathan and I were doing just fine thank you very much. 
    It is my civic responsibility. 
    Leave the kids alone. Let them give just enough of a **** to keep their jobs. 
    I admit I did not have to do this but I confided to Nathan that Fred Astaire looked like a serial killer with a zero body count. He laughed his head off. Hope he doesn't get into trouble. 
  6. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from nojoy for a blog entry, Reasons Why I Hate Summer   
    Believe it or not, this is meant to be a "fun" blog entry--in spite of the negative tone of the title. I've always hated summer and loved winter. Why? Well, let me begin to list the reasons:
    1. Sweat. This is the big one. Even sitting at rest, I generally sweat constantly. Right now, it's 72 degrees in the office and I feel uncomfortably warm. Everybody else in the office is just fine. One coworker is even wearing a sweater! By the way, I detest sweaters unless it's below zero outside. Even then, I will immediately remove the sweater once I'm inside. The vast majority of people enjoy summer fun like volleyball games, picnics, etc. I hate them. I'm a mess in the heat. I see joggers out in 90 degree weather and they aren't breaking a sweat. In contrast, I can walk from my apartment to the dumpster and turn into a dripping disaster. It's very unpleasant and also quite embarrassing.
    2. Blood-sucking insects. I think it's directly related to #1 above, but I attract mosquitoes & gnats like nobody else. I should hire myself out as a device for keeping insects away from attendees at picnics and other outdoor events. I would attract all of the bugs so they would leave everyone else alone.
    3. Outdoor events. This town is chock full of summer events...festivals, concerts, art fairs, farmers markets, etc. People flock to these things by the thousands. For me, they are nothing but a giant nuisance, clogging up the streets so that I can't get to where I'm going. Most attendees are there to be seen with like-minded "individuals". Of course, none of these people sweat either. Occasionally, I get dragged to an event and I absolutely loathe the experience. I hate being in the midst of crowds. It makes me anxious as all hell. I usually have to push my way out of the mass of humanity and seek refuge in an uncrowded area. My daughter wants me to attend an art fair with her soon and the mere thought of it fills me with dread. I've tried to explain it to her but she thinks I'm just being dramatic. Well, whatever. I can't stand crowds.
    ..to be continued..
  7. Like
    JD4010 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Week of July 10th   
    21 days!!!!!!
    Don't think you cannot do it..... you can! 
    (  @JD4010  @Depressedgurl007   @nojoy  @Natasha1   )
    Anything you can do is better than nothing.....
    End of the driveway?  End of the block? 
    Awesome! 
      
     
    Wed July 10   1.1 mi/19 mins - my Pacer app mysteriously deducted .3 miles, but I'm using the distance that comes up most often.
    Thurs July 11   1.35 mi/25 mins - 530 this morning - I am maybe starting to get better about getting up instead of just tossing and turning. We'll see.
    Fri July 12  1.3 mi/20 mins - my anxiety has been pretty bad this month, but I know why, so I'm trying to keep it under control.
    Sat July 13  1.09 mi/20mins -
    Sun July 14   .89mi/16mins & mowing lawn (push mower & emptying bag 6 times, plus pulling restart cord 7 times)  an hour
    Mon July 15  .29mi/7mins - because I still haven't recovered from yesterday
    Tue July 16  .29 mi/7 mins - I am fighting serious fatigue and likely PMS crap - it is all I can do to just get out there for even that long. And my hip aches so bad! 
    July 15th:  I really pushed it too hard yesterday morning. I mowed the lawn - after the first 45 mins, I literally felt like I would collapse on the lawn, so I finally went inside.  Rested for 15 mins, then finished the rest in 15.  I just mowed, didn't use the weedeater because holding it gives me neck aches, and I already had a killer headache from getting overheated and overexerted. Pushmower with a bagger and a pull start. For most guys its probably nothing, but for me, it was too much apparently.  It took me all day to get to the shower and wash off all the grass and dirt - I was just that bone-deep exhausted.  As it was, I almost passed out in the shower that evening.  I only did a short quarter mile this morning, and it took me a whole 7 mins to do it - I very nearly didn't go at all. I'm not even sure I'll go to work, and if I do, I might leave early.
  8. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, Reasons Why I Hate Summer   
    Believe it or not, this is meant to be a "fun" blog entry--in spite of the negative tone of the title. I've always hated summer and loved winter. Why? Well, let me begin to list the reasons:
    1. Sweat. This is the big one. Even sitting at rest, I generally sweat constantly. Right now, it's 72 degrees in the office and I feel uncomfortably warm. Everybody else in the office is just fine. One coworker is even wearing a sweater! By the way, I detest sweaters unless it's below zero outside. Even then, I will immediately remove the sweater once I'm inside. The vast majority of people enjoy summer fun like volleyball games, picnics, etc. I hate them. I'm a mess in the heat. I see joggers out in 90 degree weather and they aren't breaking a sweat. In contrast, I can walk from my apartment to the dumpster and turn into a dripping disaster. It's very unpleasant and also quite embarrassing.
    2. Blood-sucking insects. I think it's directly related to #1 above, but I attract mosquitoes & gnats like nobody else. I should hire myself out as a device for keeping insects away from attendees at picnics and other outdoor events. I would attract all of the bugs so they would leave everyone else alone.
    3. Outdoor events. This town is chock full of summer events...festivals, concerts, art fairs, farmers markets, etc. People flock to these things by the thousands. For me, they are nothing but a giant nuisance, clogging up the streets so that I can't get to where I'm going. Most attendees are there to be seen with like-minded "individuals". Of course, none of these people sweat either. Occasionally, I get dragged to an event and I absolutely loathe the experience. I hate being in the midst of crowds. It makes me anxious as all hell. I usually have to push my way out of the mass of humanity and seek refuge in an uncrowded area. My daughter wants me to attend an art fair with her soon and the mere thought of it fills me with dread. I've tried to explain it to her but she thinks I'm just being dramatic. Well, whatever. I can't stand crowds.
    ..to be continued..
  9. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from LonelyHiker for a blog entry, Reasons Why I Hate Summer   
    Believe it or not, this is meant to be a "fun" blog entry--in spite of the negative tone of the title. I've always hated summer and loved winter. Why? Well, let me begin to list the reasons:
    1. Sweat. This is the big one. Even sitting at rest, I generally sweat constantly. Right now, it's 72 degrees in the office and I feel uncomfortably warm. Everybody else in the office is just fine. One coworker is even wearing a sweater! By the way, I detest sweaters unless it's below zero outside. Even then, I will immediately remove the sweater once I'm inside. The vast majority of people enjoy summer fun like volleyball games, picnics, etc. I hate them. I'm a mess in the heat. I see joggers out in 90 degree weather and they aren't breaking a sweat. In contrast, I can walk from my apartment to the dumpster and turn into a dripping disaster. It's very unpleasant and also quite embarrassing.
    2. Blood-sucking insects. I think it's directly related to #1 above, but I attract mosquitoes & gnats like nobody else. I should hire myself out as a device for keeping insects away from attendees at picnics and other outdoor events. I would attract all of the bugs so they would leave everyone else alone.
    3. Outdoor events. This town is chock full of summer events...festivals, concerts, art fairs, farmers markets, etc. People flock to these things by the thousands. For me, they are nothing but a giant nuisance, clogging up the streets so that I can't get to where I'm going. Most attendees are there to be seen with like-minded "individuals". Of course, none of these people sweat either. Occasionally, I get dragged to an event and I absolutely loathe the experience. I hate being in the midst of crowds. It makes me anxious as all hell. I usually have to push my way out of the mass of humanity and seek refuge in an uncrowded area. My daughter wants me to attend an art fair with her soon and the mere thought of it fills me with dread. I've tried to explain it to her but she thinks I'm just being dramatic. Well, whatever. I can't stand crowds.
    ..to be continued..
  10. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, Fighting the fight   
    My illness is at it's worst these days.
    But there's one path out of here, and I have to keep moving.
     
    I'm really messed up. But I'm making ground, and maybe, just maybe, that will make a difference.
     
     
    I'm up every morning at 3, run to the gym, workout, run home, start my admin work, a couple of hours later I go to work. Do my day, then go home and deal with whatever emails have popped up through the day. I've gone from being slack on my days off, to non-stop meetings booked back to back for a few weeks in advance. Starting to get some traction again.
     
     
    I've been slipping into a darkness, and now I see a light again.
     
    I set the goal that in 5 weeks I'd change my state of life... and I don't know if that'll happen. All of the objective stuff will change, but will I feel any better? I don't know. But it's just the start, I'm just trying to get back to a position in life where I have the freedom to act, the freedom to take control of my life. As much as I'm trying to create a deadline by saying that I have 5 weeks to achieve certain things, the bigger goal is that my new targets after 5 weeks can be much bigger.
    I'm doing a charity fundraiser at the moment just to hold me over until I have the time to line up something more serious. And I'm doing an industry night for some people in my field who need some help, I really think it could make a big difference to a few people... wait until I get tied up on my words and make the whole thing a waste of time for everyone, but maybe I can help a little.
    I want to start doing some work with depression/mental illness charities later this year, just to give something and to hopefully get some fulfilment out of it, or at least be involved with people who's hearts are in the right place.
     
    My life is ****ing mess. My illness is going crazy, I am extremely suicidal. But... for now, I'm fighting the good fight.
    I see light ahead, and maybe that's all I need. Something to aim for, and when I get closer I can create a new goal.
  11. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, ...But I have to "move on"...   
    The previous blog entry was stupid. Dwelling on the past like that will keep me walled in. Yeah, my heart is broken and always will be. But I need to travel on. If she ever gets back in contact, I will be the happiest guy in the world. If not...well, I will have to carry on anyway.
  12. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, I can't "move on".   
    I met my (former?) girlfriend here on DF. You probably know that already because I keep bringing it up. I haven't heard from her in over two years. That obviously means it's "over" but there was never a definitive end to the relationship. If only I knew what happened to her.
    I didn't listen well enough to her. I was too arrogant and full of myself. As a result, she's gone.
    I've tried and tried to move on, but I can't. I'll see something or somebody that reminds me of her and I'll fall right off the cliff again.
    I looked at some of her old blog posts and she was hurting so badly. But I apparently couldn't be bothered to give her enough support and encouragement. Again, it comes down to my own arrogance.
    If I didn't hate myself enough already, this sorry & never-ending episode in my life grinds me right into the ground.
     
  13. Like
    JD4010 reacted to thursdayschild for a blog entry, Maybe it's just Monday   
    Tired, discouraged, hopeless, ashamed, guilty, __________ fill in the blank with any negative emotion.  What do you do when you just feel like giving up and life is an uphill struggle...  ?
  14. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, Claiming Victory   
    My life always used to feel like a comeback trail... like I was in this state of disaster and needed to fight my way out.
     
    Then I had around a year or two of feeling like I was just surviving (at best). And, well, that was up until a few days ago, so who knows, maybe I'll fall back into it.
     
    But I don't feel like that anymore.
    I feel awake.
     
    I've been slowly fixing things up in my life for a long time, but now it's just on another level.
    Years ago I used to work out fanatically, and I'm back to lifting better numbers than I ever did before. And feeling good afterwards. I can run further than ever before too.
    Work's going well too. All three jobs (two of them being small businesses I own/run, there's a bit of stress when they're not going well).
     
    I've got a million problems in my life, but I feel like I have the tools to fix it all. And the energy, hunger and fire to do it all.
     
    Give me nothing, and I'll do everything. ... and I don't have nothing.
     
    This isn't a comeback trail.
     
    This a victory lap. This is taking stock of what I've done, and putting in the yards to get some reward and quality of life from it all.
  15. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Soarsie18 for a blog entry, Letting go   
    I'm going to need tremendous strength to dig myself out of this one. 
    That responsibility bestowed upon me weighs like a ton.
    Strength that I have never, and will never have the capability to possess.
     But, they'd never believe me, if I were to confess. 
    Regardless they'd like to believe it's possible. 
    But I am, and never once have been that able.
    The only way for me to escape this now,
    Is to leave it all behind me and let freedom allow,
    whatever it is that the universe has to offer me,
    I have to accept it, somehow, and not feel so guilty. 
     
  16. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Ratvan for a blog entry, Fight against Cancer   
    So for a little while now I have been going on about a charity fight. Well the 7th June was the fight and I managed to raise just over £5000.00 for MacMillan Cancer Support (A Charitable Trust close to my heart). 
    Just now recovering from the match. I received a few injuries 😄
    Lacerated Spleen causing small internal bleeding*** being monitored for this currently, also harder to breathe***
    Black Eye and Concussion (I was knocked down once in the mach. An amazing Left Hook. Evidence below)
    Sprained Wrist
    Dislocated Forefinger
    Fracture of two knuckles
    First 2 pics are from Night After the fight, 3rd picture is this morning when I got a visitor



  17. Haha
    JD4010 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, A Stumbling Block...   
    Just wanted to update anyone who might accidentally give a f*ck or two.... I have been experiencing quite an irritating amount of heal and ankle pain in my left foot.  To the point that I can barely walk.  I talked to my doc and he says plantar fasciitis.  I've got some shoe insoles he recommended, and I'm looking at exercises for my foot.  I hope I can get back into walking soon. I may have to start out much slower than I want to.  I think I might need to build up to what I was doing (20-25mins a day or every other day).  Ugh.  Anyway, that's the scoop.  I start using the insoles today at work, we'll see how it goes.

     
  18. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, where do you go from here   
    so nothing like a good ole weekend with family to reinforce in your little head that you are a loser. We got together for a bridal shower for my cousin who was the only other one in my family like me...almost 40, quiet, reserved and not dating....but yup she is getting married....she is already pregnant and she is beyond happy, and im happy for her, but yes it really hurts my heart. my aunts joked with my little 25 yr old cousin that shes next! im not even thought about...they all gave up on me. as they should.    on a separate note, the one person i was hoping to hear from on my bday, not only waited til the end of the day to acknowledge it but that was it. We exchange every year, and this past christmas, she did blow me off about meeting up and also didnt bother getting me a gift (its not about the gift part) I toyed with it in my head about where do i stand with her, are we friends, are we not, did i do something? do i say something? is it in my head? part of me told me to let go and leave her alone, which i have....i dont reach out, but her bday came in march....i sent a present cause i still care about her. her father in law died in april....i sent condolences and sent her daughter a little memory gift. gifts were acknowledged for both occasions....but no convo out side that....as my bday approached, i got anxiety, as i knew this was going to be how i found out if i had a friend or not. i really deep down thought she would send me something for my bday...even just a few flowers or something...but nothing came. At this point i can safely say she is politely trying to say the friendship is over. I will retreat and let the friendship go....however her daughters bday is in a few weeks, do i still get her daughter a gift? I dont want her to think im clinging on but i also dont want her daughter to feel "forgotten"  suggestions??   i know life isnt easy for anyone, but i sure feel like mine chose to have quite the most challenging course to keep me on my toes. if im not meant to be a mom, then it is what it is, if im not meant to be a wife, then it is what it is, if im not meant to have friends, then i guess it is what it is, but im scared to enter this level of my life knowing my next 40 years will be alone. I can fake happiness all I want, but I think the loneliness will do me in.  
  19. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Lifting myself up   
    Got this online and want to put it somewhere:
    Think of the amazing things in your life. Think of your family / caring friends / or anything else you value. Be grateful. 
    Think about what has upset you. Know that it could have been much worse. Visualise the worst case scenario and allow yourself to feel better. This is not that bad.
    Imagine this difficult situation happening to someone you love. If your best friend is going through the same thing, what advice would you give them? How would you make them feel better? Now apply that advice on yourself.
    Imagine yourself three years from now. Will this matter in three years? Will you remember what made you upset? Emotions may seem to fill your being in the moment, but they are fleeting and may soon fade into the distance. Visualise your pain or anger becoming smaller and fading over time until it disappears.
    Take time to be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel gratitude because you can learn from this experience. You have done your best in each moment. You do not need to blame yourself or feel at fault.
    Think about the cause of this feeling. Does this define you? Think about the infinite experiences and feelings that make you who you are. This one issue has no lasting effect. You are strong and this feeling is small; don’t allow it to have power over you. Compartmentalise this feeling and keep it separate from your sense of self.
    Move on! 
  20. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from AloneGuy for a blog entry, I can't "move on".   
    I met my (former?) girlfriend here on DF. You probably know that already because I keep bringing it up. I haven't heard from her in over two years. That obviously means it's "over" but there was never a definitive end to the relationship. If only I knew what happened to her.
    I didn't listen well enough to her. I was too arrogant and full of myself. As a result, she's gone.
    I've tried and tried to move on, but I can't. I'll see something or somebody that reminds me of her and I'll fall right off the cliff again.
    I looked at some of her old blog posts and she was hurting so badly. But I apparently couldn't be bothered to give her enough support and encouragement. Again, it comes down to my own arrogance.
    If I didn't hate myself enough already, this sorry & never-ending episode in my life grinds me right into the ground.
     
  21. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from AloneGuy for a blog entry, ...But I have to "move on"...   
    The previous blog entry was stupid. Dwelling on the past like that will keep me walled in. Yeah, my heart is broken and always will be. But I need to travel on. If she ever gets back in contact, I will be the happiest guy in the world. If not...well, I will have to carry on anyway.
  22. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from Tilted for a blog entry, ...But I have to "move on"...   
    The previous blog entry was stupid. Dwelling on the past like that will keep me walled in. Yeah, my heart is broken and always will be. But I need to travel on. If she ever gets back in contact, I will be the happiest guy in the world. If not...well, I will have to carry on anyway.
  23. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from Rattler6 for a blog entry, ...But I have to "move on"...   
    The previous blog entry was stupid. Dwelling on the past like that will keep me walled in. Yeah, my heart is broken and always will be. But I need to travel on. If she ever gets back in contact, I will be the happiest guy in the world. If not...well, I will have to carry on anyway.
  24. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, War Path   
    I've been struggling.
    Yeah, you know that. I've written about it enough times. Things have gotten dark.
    I don't entirely know why.
     
    But that's just it. I can't keep my head above water like this. Can't. Won't.
     
    I'm about as spent as I can be. I'm ready to check out. I'm at my lowest, and I don't even know if I want to change that.
     
    But that made me realise something. This is where I used to be.
    When I was younger, I did things that I now envy. It wasn't that I had skill or knowledge or any reason to do well. I was hungry, and had nothing to lose.
    I lost that hunger, and started acting like I couldn't afford to fail.
    I've got nothing left. I'm at the end. This is it. My race is run. It's do something or stop hanging around.
    And you know what?
    I'm going to do something. I've got nothing to lose, and I'm hungry as hell for the life that I dreamed of and feel was taken from me.
    I did great things when I had no ability or training or experience.
    I'll shatter the ****ing earth now.
     
    I've had a couple of goals that have consistently been the same distance away for years. My short term is always 6 weeks, and my long term has always been 8 years. I just don't seem to be able to get closer.... maybe it's that I've been over optimistic, and reality hits when I get closer.
    Thing is, the 8 years is now within striking distance in 12-18 months....
     
    I don't want to do that though. That's too far away, and I can do it if I'm the same anyone else.
    That's not me.
     
    Give me 3 months.
    90 days.
     
     
    It's not just my life I save if I do this.
    I worry that I sound soulless sometimes, but I'm talking about making a difference.
     
    Watch me. This shit will be an epic story I'll tell my grandkids someday.
  25. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from Tilted for a blog entry, I can't "move on".   
    I met my (former?) girlfriend here on DF. You probably know that already because I keep bringing it up. I haven't heard from her in over two years. That obviously means it's "over" but there was never a definitive end to the relationship. If only I knew what happened to her.
    I didn't listen well enough to her. I was too arrogant and full of myself. As a result, she's gone.
    I've tried and tried to move on, but I can't. I'll see something or somebody that reminds me of her and I'll fall right off the cliff again.
    I looked at some of her old blog posts and she was hurting so badly. But I apparently couldn't be bothered to give her enough support and encouragement. Again, it comes down to my own arrogance.
    If I didn't hate myself enough already, this sorry & never-ending episode in my life grinds me right into the ground.
     
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