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JD4010

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  1. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, Uniformity...what is that?   
    No one is on the same page.
    Sometimes i think its a different book.
    Or even a whole different genre.

    I'm in the green section
    trying to figure out a text book in school, or a procedures manual in a corporate setting

    Both written in black and white, but only grey is practiced,
    the reading audience is all doing their own thing, authoring a new product.

    No wonder im failing every exam and performance review.
     
  2. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, You Got Me   
    Im ready. You will finally get what you want.
    I can finally be meek. Submissive. You can rub the fact that you are the bread winner and i make so little and dont contribute financially in my nose as much as you want. Like a dog learning not to s hit in the house. Rub my face in it too. Im a dog. Because, lets face it. You are in control. 
    When i made more than you many years ago  i NEVER EVER tried to remind you constantly.
    There is obviously something wrong with me. Everyone shows me this  constantly. Im 46 and i finally have learned this. Parents, friends, teachers, co-workers, bosses , medical officials, complete strangers, people online, you, and now of course our daughter has learned from you that its ok. 
    Im surprised you dont hit me. My parents did. F uck my dad outright gave me the strap. He would chase me to my room snd cornet me on the other side of the room so i could scream in terror.
    My mother would slap me. Spank me with wooden spoons. Whatever was handy for our location. Skinny wood meant for fencing. Then there was the passive aggressive crap. The punishment through restriction of things that they were going to give me.
    You do some of that (withholding and verbal crap).
    Put me out of my misery. Just kill me. Youll be happy.
    Everyone will be. 
     
  3. Like
    JD4010 reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, 2020   
    Every year i tell myself that this is the year....this is the year that things will turn around. life will get better.  I stay hopeful for the first couple of months but then reality sinks in.   to think one new years eve night in my very early 20's, I checked into a hotel room with a shitload of alcohol, and pills and was ready to check out. I cried for hours, not sure how my body even produced that many tears. I got drunk, I popped pills, I begged and screamed out loud at no one. I texted friends for help...with no response. I drank some more....popped more pills and somehow woke up the next morning.    My life took some real bad turns for the worse after that. ive learned from all of it, but im still no where, where i want to be in life. in fact i think i took too long to learn how to survive in my own head that i lost valuable years.   for me to say this is going to be the year....is a lie...i totally know that im just going to get thru the year. This wont be my year to find a spouse, this wont be my year to get engaged and to plan a future, this wont be my year where i realize im finally going to become a mom. no, this will be the year that i just continue to wake up each morning...go to work...come home and repeat. why do i feel that way? cause every year i spend countless months tirelessly trying to find someone to complete me and i dont even get responses.   so for 2020...i can only hope things just continue on this boring path, i don't go downhill and the solitude doesn't slowly k*ll me.   I ended 2019 not so good....i stopped the gym, i sleep a ton more, i stopped eating well. i see it, and i tell myself im going to put a stop to it all, but i dont. my body is just too tired. i already am off on the wrong foot cause i swore for the past two weeks right after new years im going back to the gym...the alarm went off this morning...and i snoozed it.   so heres to 2020, the year i turn the big 4-0,  a year hopefully where i have less depressive episodes and feel WAY less lonely and maybe, just maybe i'll even make at the very least, a friend.
  4. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, I hate you   
    You finally pushed me over the edge.
    Never thought i would get this far. You finally did it. I officially hate you. I dont give a flying f      that your job is stressful and lives are at stake. It doesnt give you the right to treat me like s hit or invalidate me by being an elitist in the stress and feelings department.
    Oh you want to go there? How many diagnoses do you have? I can go there if you like. 
    Oh thats right. Im ungrateful. I forgot that i actually am a piece of s hit so thats why you treat me like that.
    Not allowed to fear, stress or feel. I am nothing.
    I hate you
  5. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Zeit   
    Life..is meaningless. I am pointless.
    2020. Nothing has changed.
    I want to be
     
     
    Dead
     
     
  6. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, The Man who Sucks Infinitely   
    Last night, I got into this endless loop of a thought process where I was forced to relive exactly how I lost my beloved (and now former) girlfriend. It all became crystal clear to me. My mind pinpointed the exact actions that led to her leaving me. Once these incidents were made painfully obvious in my mind, I relived them over and over and over again in agonizing detail. All night long.  I couldn't shut it off. 
    I feel like the lowest piece of sh*t that has ever existed. So I'm "happy" that I got dragged back and forth through the cesspool of my mind because yes, I suck that badly.
    After reliving my hellish idiocy for hours on end, I wanted nothing more than to snuff myself. I still want to. Right now.
    She is the last person in this world who needed any more pain in her life yet through my arrogance and obliviousness, my actions caused her even more anguish. 
    She desperately need a "rock" and all I offered her was a slimy piece of algae. 
    You see, she was perfect in my eyes. Yet I took her for granted and hurt her. I loved her more than the universe itself yet I drove her away.
    This is how my life goes. I screw up everything good and am left living in the scum at the bottom of the dumpster. I don't feel sorry for myself. No, I LOATHE myself. I deserve all of the suffering I am subjected to. Every last bit of it.
  7. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Futility and void   
    The meaning of (my) life or lack thereof.
    Every single answer seems to miss the point. Not that there really is answer to the "meaning of life". 
    NOTHING makes sense to me. Nothing seems real. Nothing speaks to me. Everything just begs for the additional question:"But Why????"
    The thing is, I need a reason. I need a why. Because without that, I might as well be dead. In fact I AM dead. 
    Life, just doesn't stand to any kind of scrutiny. 
    "So stop (over) thinking".
    You might as well say stop breathing. 
    All I am doing is contemplating the unrelenting void sucking whatever is left of whatever I am.  And that is all I am. This futility of a person.
    And this constant emptiness, the void and futility that is me, ladies and gentlemen, is pushing me beyond no return. 
  8. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Demons   
    I don’t know what I want. All I know is I hate myself. I hate myself for being so negative. I hate myself for being so tired of life. I hate myself for having no motivation. I hate myself for being an idiot. I hate myself for being alive. I hate myself for being afraid to love myself. I hate myself for seeing no purpose in life. 
    And with so much hatred inside me I go on to Google (my one n only Best Friend) “how to stop hating myself” and again mark manson is the first page that comes up seriously what’s with him. 
    “Yes, I’m being lazy today. But that’s okay. I’m allowed to have a couple of lazy days here and there. That doesn’t mean I’m a horrible person, but thanks for bringing it up.”
    We all have a bundle of voices offering their perspectives in our heads all the time. A lot of our decisions are made as though they are made by committee. One part of you feels bad for your brother who got arrested for drunk driving and wants to go bail him out of jail. Another part of you is resentful and says “**** him.” Another part wants to impress your parents. Another part says **** your parents.
    Your demons are just members of that same brain-committee. Let them have their seat. And then, when necessary, out-vote them.
    That means embracing the dark parts of ourselves—our worst impulses, our worst shame, our worst fears—and owning them. Accept that they are there. But with that acceptance is a respectful disagreement.
    Because you can’t have light without the dark. You can’t truly value something unless you also value the lack of that something. You can’t strive to achieve great success if you aren’t also paranoid about failure. You can’t desire wonderful relationships if you aren’t also terrified of those losses. You can’t have the light without the dark, the angel without the demon.
    So be nice to your demons. And in time they will be nice to you.”
  9. Haha
    JD4010 reacted to 20YearsandCounting for a blog entry, My Mental Attitude..   
    My mental attitude at the moment can be aptly described thusly:

    (appropriate nods and obsequious noises here for Berkeley Breathed, noted Genius of the Pen)
  10. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Hertz for a blog entry, The return of suicidal thoughts   
    Trigger warning: talk of suicide
    Since I've gone back on remeron and wellbutrin, suicidal thoughts have been predictably slamming into me.
    Trying Cymbalta right now. Although it decreased suidal thoughts, I don't think it cuts it. I feel too sluggish on it.
    The brain is an interconnected system and a single thing can affect the whole.
    I've sort of been there before and it was temporary. The longest so far has been a 1.5 years period in 2008-2009 of daily suicidal thoughts, until I started adding pristiq to the cocktail.
    I tried replicating this trick but it didn't work. Perhaps my body is still adjusting to remeron and wellbutrin. I have to give it time.
  11. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Gisele for a blog entry, Engineered Empathy   
    Since it never hurts to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, it might be high time others were given an opportunity to walk in mine. More exactly, since it is usually me that goes a bit or a lot too far, it would only be fair and, let's not pretend, amusing to me if others were given the same encouragement
    So I'm going to host a party
    I do like a raucous party
    It is also my last ever day at work before the new venture on Wednesday so that makes two things in it for me
    About time, really. Hasn't been the best year ever
    Friday night is going to be stupid hot so that rules out fancy dress and a little bit of Marie Antoinette. Oh well, still lot's of mischief at a pool party
    Merry Christmas to all. Can be a  horrible occasion between the teeth of all those emotional challenges but that can't stop me from wishing it is all it can be and a little more for all of us
     
  12. Sad
    JD4010 got a reaction from watalife for a blog entry, "You have to love yourself." What BS.   
    All of this pop psychology dogma says that I have to love myself. Am I the only one who thinks that's a massive load of bullsh!t? What's there to love about me? I suck grievously in a myriad of ways. I can't do anything right. The universe conspires to force everything I try to do right off the rails. I don't know why I even bother to try.
    I thought I had made this stupendous breakthrough at work today. I actually felt excited for a change. Yeah...well, no. It was just another false hope in an endless string of false hopes. As soon as I discovered my breakthrough was a mirage put forth to tease me once again, I fell back into my normal state of despair.
    The only function I have in this universe is to siphon off bad luck from other people so they can enjoy their lives more.
  13. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Morning Pages   
    I want to say I’m tired, I want to say I’m beaten, I want to say I’m breaking down.. but can I say all that..does saying negative words make my day worse and should I be saying positive affirmations instead..should I be grateful that I managed to sleep last night..should I be grateful that I still have my appetite..grateful for the little things like the delicious tidbits my sis gave me..grateful that even though this house is toxic, I can still travel to my sis place..grateful that I have a nice sister..grateful that things can be worse but they are not..its easy to forget to love myself..it’s easy to forget to forgive myself..but I’m holding on to feeling grateful..I know there are things to be grateful for..I just have to force myself to search for them..
  14. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, I've Been Thinking   
    I'm in a bad way. I believe I just need some time to heal through it, and I'll be okay. Hold my nerve for a minute, and I'll survive this bout.
     
    But I've been thinking.
     
    I don't know that this is an unhealthy way of being. I suppose it's not healthy... maybe more reasonably, it's not a irrational way of being.
     
    Life is ****ing miserable. That's the reality. We're born alone, we die alone. Every day we fight for survival, against a world that ultimately doesn't support our life. Our actions are futile, without deeper meaning, and that deaper meaning can only be perceived by us and other people.... and it's so easily skewed. What we today hold as beautiful and meaningful, we next year distance ourselves from.
     
    I'm not going anywhere. I've got things that I want to do. But damn... I'm not here because I want to be. I'm here because I think I can create something worthwhile in this world, I think I can have a beautiful impact on it; I think I can enrich lives. Put forth the beauty in my soul, in the form of my work, my art, and use my actions to spread as much kindness as I am able, to ease the pain of others and strengthen others.
    But I am here, for a temporary purpose. To do my work and go.
    This life is ultimately suffering.
    Is that so irrational?
     
     
    I look around at the people around me, and I am not envious: I would not live their lives. I would only barely live my own. I am not here to just exist. I am here for everything or nothing. But the older I get, the more everything looks like a lie.
     
     
    I need to escape this depression.
  15. Like
    JD4010 got a reaction from samadhiSheol for a blog entry, "You have to love yourself." What BS.   
    All of this pop psychology dogma says that I have to love myself. Am I the only one who thinks that's a massive load of bullsh!t? What's there to love about me? I suck grievously in a myriad of ways. I can't do anything right. The universe conspires to force everything I try to do right off the rails. I don't know why I even bother to try.
    I thought I had made this stupendous breakthrough at work today. I actually felt excited for a change. Yeah...well, no. It was just another false hope in an endless string of false hopes. As soon as I discovered my breakthrough was a mirage put forth to tease me once again, I fell back into my normal state of despair.
    The only function I have in this universe is to siphon off bad luck from other people so they can enjoy their lives more.
  16. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, I can’t do this anymore.   
    I can’t do this anymore. Why do I keep trying. What’s there worth trying for. I’m sick of this life, I’m sick of myself, I’m the worst idiot in the world, a freak that’s too cowardly to **** herself. I have nothing worth living for.
    I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to live this life. I don’t want to get up to face her. But what choice do I have. I always end up pushing myself cos I really got no choice. I’m the idiot who married and stupidly agreed to live with her. I only have myself to blame. If I had known all this would happen, would I have disagreed to marry and just remain single for the rest of my life while all my sisters and cousins get married and have children? Why why why why I constantly ask myself, what is so nice about getting married and how do the others handle it? Of course they probably have more understanding families than I do. Or they have more resilience than me. Whatever it is, here I am in this house that’s not mine with a daughter I’m now responsible for but yet for the life of me I don’t feel like she is my daughter at all and so so many time I want to just give her up and give her to other families. Why why why why why did I ask for a child. Why do I ask for things then regret asking for it. Why did I ask for marriage then regret asking for it. Why does everything have to end up with problems after problems after problems. What the hell am I supposed to do. Just accept that life sucks, there’s never a solution cos every solution comes with its own set of problems and there’s no ending to it. None. Zero. Ziltch. I gotto force myself. Keep forcing myself. Just keep swimming forward even though all I feel like doing is running away. But I can’t. There’s just nothing I can do about it.
    I hate how there is nowhere for me to go to, no one that can help me out. Except for myself. I’m blaming myself a hundred percent cos I’m the one who can’t control my emotions. Where is the story at now.. So mil refused to give me the house keys cos of some incident some time ago where I keep running away and she said I treat the house like a hotel..fine..if you take away the keys then open the door when I press the doorbell for goodness sake..oh u can’t cos ur feeding the baby? Then gimme back the house keys so u don’t have to run to the door when I’m at the door..does that not make your life easier? Do I not sleep there at night cos my husband is there? Are my clothes not all at your house? Where else am I supposed to go? Ok so now it’s my fault cos I’m impatient when waiting for u to finish feeding the baby just so u can answer the door..oh it’s my attitude? Of course it’s my attitude cos u take away the house keys and make me feel unwelcome in the house. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? Change my attitude. Right. Just snap my fingers and I can change my attitude to love you. Of course it’s so easy why did I not think of that?
  17. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to allalone6 for a blog entry, wasnt prepared for the life after depression   
    i tell myself writing doesnt help but neither does holding it all in.   im beyond lost. im beyond sad. im beyond lonely. i took a step back from everything this past year to protect myself and all its done is show me how alone i am in this big world. I sadly built my walls back up and just sit inside thinking. I didnt push anyone away. i just stopped "begging" for conversation and time and apparently everyone was happy to rid of me.   everyone around me is literally getting married and having babies and its truly ******* me. its the one thing i wanted in life...to be a mom. and no matter how many time i ask god why, or what my purpose is, or whats his plan for me....deep down i know im going to grow old alone. i think about it all the time and i cant stop. why was i not meant to be a mom? why dont i get to have a family? why do i have to grow old all by myself? i try to convince myself that i would be an awful mom and my poor child will have depression and thats why god isnt allowing it. but i read online about all these parents overdosing with their babies nearby or these horrible parents abusing their child and i think to myself...why did they get to be parents?   i joined groups that share the same interest as I, ive made contacts but not outside the group meetings. I got involved in my community and again, no contacts out side the group meetings. I secretly wished id meet someone to date with hopes to evolve my life and at the very very least...make a friend. i even joined yet another dating site....i think this is the 5th one.    Every week im reminded from my mom how sad she is and how much she hates her life, and how much she thought how life would be different. (she wants to be a nana badly and my brother/sister-inlaw cant have kids)) I know her comments arent trying to hurt me, she is just expressing her hurt. I dont tell her my thoughts, i let her believe im happy how my life is (cause she over worries). but it truly kills me to see how sad and upset she is. she has to listen to her brothers/sisters talk about their grandkids and i know she is jealous and hurt. My cousin who has been alone her whole life like me, had mental health issues like me...all of a sudden out of the blue got married this year and literally just had a baby and i know now my mom is now concerned about me. I wish more than anything that i would find a guy to love me so i can make her and my wish come true. but what if its not in my cards? im convinced i dont deserve to be a mom but my mom deserves to be a grandmother. why doesnt god hear our cries? what did i do wrong? im almost 40...my days of being a mom are coming to an end   im scared of my future. once my parents are gone...thats it...I will officially have no one to talk to...my holidays will be alone. i will be completely alone. I watched my grandparents deteriorate and how everyone stepped in to help with food shopping, doctors appts, taking meds, and just every day care. Im very concerned how I will get by at that age when i have no family (and probably no money to hire anyone). Ive seen how many get neglected in nursing homes, and how my grandparents didnt get care unless one of us specifically hunted down a nurse.     i know people will respond with "everyone deserves happiness" but im kinda convinced that perhaps i really don't. I talk to god daily...im in no means spiritual.. id just like to believe that someone is listening to me, even though part of my knows im just talking to myself. I do believe everything happens for a reason, so there must be a reason why life is this way, i just cant grasp what it could be. a life of no love, no companionship, no hugs, no kisses, no "i love you", no "have a good day", no "drive safely" no "good mornings or good nights" just complete solitude.     during all my years of struggles with depression i would fight thru my days with thoughts that life would get better. and yes, things got better, i no longer have haunting thoughts and such, but this isnt quite the life i anticipated. and i dont know how to go up from here.  
  18. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, They Did Nothing   
    "What did they do to you?" I was asked by someone on here a few years ago.
    Well a lot was done. Nasty effects, but also, what wasnt done could be just as harming..
    Grade 1 or 2 report card...i cant remember which:
    "Natasha often appears to be very sad and listless in class."
    It was noticed, but no one did anything. It stopped right there.
    There was also a comment that fit in with my ADD diagnosis, but i cant fault them for that, as im old and they didnt know about it back then...i think they didnt know at all.
    Too bad they always turned their eyes during the verbal bullying.
    But why not the sadness? Is it normal for a 6 year old to be that sad that it ends up on her report card from what can only be assumed to be concern? A teacher can only go so far. Her job was done.
    But thats where it stopped.
    There was more to the sadness than meets the eye. The sadness/depression was really just a symptom of something else. How could they know right?
    Why was there no concern at home?.
  19. Like
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, When I'm Weak   
    I'm vulnerable now.... I'm worn down, and I'm at my lowest. It doesn't take much to push me over the edge.
     
    Today I had someone screaming about me... they've never spoken so much as a word to me. They just know my name.... and expected... I don't know what. But to them, I am the devil.
    I am not the evil you perceive. I wish you no harm, I am here to help if I am able... I don't need anything in return. I care about you, because you exist... you have a soul, conscious thought and a plethora of feeling and experience, that makes you the beauty I want to build in this world.
    I am not the devil.
     
    People hate me sometimes.... a lot of the time actually. It's always strangers... that's not to imply anything, it's just the way it unfolds. I've kind of suspected this is my illness convincing of things, putting words into peoples mouths. Maybe that's true to some extent, but that it hurts when it gets reinforced.
     
    It doesn't take much to push me over the edge these days.
     
    I'm close to checking out. It's hard hanging on.
     
    I don't hate you.
    If you see evil in me... it is not coming from me. We just misunderstand each other, if we give it a moment, and speak a little, we'll find something that isn't hate.
    I'm sorry for any harm I cause.... please understand that I have done my best to cause none... I am sorry if I have failed you in that.
  20. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Still hating myself   
    I hate myself so much. I know what I’m supposed to do but why am I not doing it. I hate myself. Being in this house makes me hate myself. Cos I do stupid things. Cos life is stupid. Cos I hate god for letting me live. I’m so irritated with everything. I’m so irritated with my mil specifically. I get like this when I need to go to the kitchen to get a drink but she is in the kitchen. Then I’ll end up sitting in my room and hating myself and wasting my time like that. Why do I do this. Is taking a drink that important? I used to actually just buy mineral water from the store and keep in my room to drink just cos of this stupid issue which I myself create. But guess what. That old woman asked to buy her mineral water from the store too. I’m so irritated cos I’m not that rich to buy for myself yet I have no choice, why must she get just because I have it. How can I not hate her. How do I stop hating her. And happen my husband is angry with me today. All he does is sleep. Yes he helps out a lot these days but he is still being a bossy person. Told me to sweep the floor by 9.30am today. Do this do do that do this do that. Even the cat is irritating me with her fur shedding.
  21. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to MrMisery for a blog entry, Building   
    I had a bad night the other night.
     
    Haven't been that low in a while.
    I think my mind and body are coming back from it a bit, but I've got to be honest, even clear and calm... I want out.
    Kind of setting the target as a set date a few months into next year.
    I'm tired, and I've tried enough. I'm tired.
     
    But, if I'm here, I want to do something epic with it. Do or die, because really.... why not? It doesn't take courage if there's no downside... it's just existing.
    I've got a bit more clarity now. I'm getting more done as a result. I'm clearer.
     
     
    Please don't take my words as any suggestion as to how you should handle anything similar. This is my walk in life. Yours is different, and your own.
  22. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Apollo 11 and other pipedreams   
    I have mentioned this before, I believe.
    One of my first memories was the Apollo 11 mission, Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins, June 1969. To be honest, I probably didn't see it live nor really remember it at the time.  But my first long standing "what do you want to be when you grow up" - dream was to be an astronaut. To see the stars "up there", perhaps the rings of Saturn too and a galaxy or three á la Star Trek, cause surely we would be there by 2001!!
    I would remember Aldrin or Armstrong moonwalking. The real deal not the Michael Jackson version. Haha. 
    "I'll be doing that someday".
    That was the thought I held onto until reality dashed my dreams into a million pieces when I was a teen. 
    I realized I hadn't the clout either mentally or physically to ever be even considered on a future moon mission or whatever. Then there was the school bullying too, which pretty much crushed any little self esteem or confidence I still had left in me.
    Later on, fast forward 10 years or so more I realized I wouldn't even get a college degree in physics or math. I just couldn't get my head around any of it. I couldn't get my head around anything. I am that stupid. If for nothing else then dreaming. 
    Then there was the disillusionment of the 80's and 90's when I realized humanity wasn't interested in actually making a future. It was obsessed with making money, keeping hold of it and in effect creating a new dark age of fossil fuels and disinformation, which has continued to this day. I also realized the whole "race to space" thing  of the 1960's was fueled by cold war politics and striving to being the top dog in world politics.
    Humanity didn't actually have the clout to go "up there", so to speak, in the first place. It was like the giant pyramids of Giza of 4000 years ago.
    At the end of the day the pyramids  were a colossal waste of human life for the glorification of men who thought themselves gods. Ingenious to be sure, but totally pointless in the sense that the culture itself wasn't really up to the job. 
    Neither did we really have the resources or the true technology to actually make going into space really worth the effort. All we proved was "yeah we were there". But to date we are still here, on earth making a mess of everything, suffering from overpopulation, poverty, discrimination, using up natural resources and and being so complacent it's not funny at all.
    God I hate us. 
     
    Nowadays I see no future for myself either.
    I don't want to live in this world. I have no idea how it could even change to anything resembling good. 
    I will  never do what I dreamed for the simple reason I don't have dreams anymore. Nothing in life is worth the effort. I have lived for over 50 years and as far as dreams are concerned, it would have been better if I had died when Apollo 11 was over.
    My life really ended then.
    Dreams don't really exist. Not for the likes of me.
     
  23. Like
    JD4010 reacted to Natasha1 for a blog entry, ###$$%^^&***::%$$$^&*,;;"   
    $%;:""*(¥€%##stupid$^&*:%%$#^&**;^^^^$^^ piece of s hit %&&;"$=##^&(;;^%$$;&*&:: worthless "^&*//^ ^$$#:;*&%$#":;&&^^fat cow #%^&"%_=÷÷%&*&;; lazy ass ^&&$$$#%^&*:%%$ spazz $%*¥£^%$##'vhjnhghhjnbbggghhhnv ^&%$":&**&^ hgfghjhhjjfffddcghhhn dipshit &&%%^&&&^; dingbat &&^%%$$%^&&**,,;;^&& $&&€%%$##$"^^^twat"$#÷&**€&***&^"##@%^
  24. Sad
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, H. C. Andersen   
    I am a fake. Not real. What people see isn't me. There isn't a "me". 
    I don't deserve any thanks or gratification. None of my so called achievements(that have lead me absolutely nowhere with little if any sense of accomplishment) have any meaning or value. 
    I am always dissatisfied and empty. Nothing feels authentic. Only the anger I harbour is real. The hatred and frustration I feel. The hopelessness. That is authentic.
    Everything else is just a fairy tale.
     
  25. Like
    JD4010 reacted to samadhiSheol for a blog entry, Made in Britain   
    Back in the day I was lucky enough to see the gritty and realistic movie ”Made in Britain”. It’s a drama tragedy of a sixteen year old skinhead on a collision course with pretty much everything. Tim Roth is absolutely amazing as the angry young racist skinhead, Trevor. I believe it was his first major role. 
     
    I was drawn to the sheer intensity of Trevor. I felt sorry for him and even then I realized I had more in common with him than I would openly admit.
    I was often confused as a skinhead due to my hair(always cropped at the time) and the jeans and m65 type jacket I wore at the time(actually I still have a m65, it’s a classic!). I was more interested in the punk scene though and I have never been a racist.

    Not that original, late 1960’s early 70’s skinheads were racist. I had a friend who introduced me to ska, which was the original skinhead choice of music, and rocksteady and the two tone scene.  It was love at first “beat”. . I still listen to the likes of Prince Buster, Desmond Dekkar,, Skatalites and Toots and the Maytals, not to mention the 80’s the Specials, the Beat or Madness..
    But I digress. The film  also spoke to me because I felt a bit homesick(I was born in the UK), despite the grittiness of 80’s U.K. I was living in a foreign land(not telling where, I am too paranoid) and though I had lived there for years I just didn’t feel at home. I also hated the 80’s with a vengeance, which added to the feeling of alienation.
     
    But it wasn’t this that spoke to me. It was Trevor’s anger. I realized that though I was nowhere near as close as he was with clashing with everything, I shared his rage towards everything. Most importantly I was angry with myself. I probably didn’t realize it at the time, but listening  to the Exploited’s UK 82 - track just a moment ago, which also featured in the film, it all came back to me. 
     
    I realized that despite the trouble I had fitting in, or perhaps because of it, I also didn’t “fit in” with myself. And I realized I still feel the same.
    It is stuff like this that crushes me. The fact that I am essentially still the same at 50+ as I was at 16-17. I am as clueless and lost now as I was then. Mad at everything and everyone and still, there is not a place on earth where I feel comfortable.
    Not even here on df.
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