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Everything posted by JD4010

  1. @sober4lifeI came so close to boozing it on Sunday night. My life is one long chain of frustrations and I was fed up. I actually pulled into the parking lot of the likker store but kept myself from going in. I'm about 6 months behind you on the sobriety wagon...what is that, like 4-1/2 years or something for me?
  2. I've got a cleanse kit. It requires you to drink 32 oz of this herbal mix about 3 hours before the test. It hides the chemical in question for awhile, hopefully as long as it takes to get through the test. I looked at reviews extensively and this appears to be the best one on the market. It's absurd that we have to resort to such a thing just because our bought-out government decides to make a very useful plant illegal.
  3. Yeah, others have noted that it's a bot catapulting all of that spam at us, not an individual person. If we do move, please include me. I'm not as active as I was right now but I don't want to lose touch with all y'all.
  4. I'm with you, my friend. I've busted my rear since I was 12 and never got ahead. I realize I'm probably too stup*d to make it, but working hard all your life definitely doesn't make you successful in this society run by financial sharks.
  5. My utility bill has DOUBLED from the same period last year. The place is heated with natural gas, as is the stove. I keep my thermostat at 58F to try to keep the cost down. The average temp has been warmer this year than last too... It comes down to price gouging on the part of natural gas suppliers. Update on kitty: She's doing better, after a $1100 vet bill. I have my pre-job physical tomorrow, which includes a urine test. Yeah, part of that test involves looking for traces of the only anti-depressant & anti-anxiety medication that truly helps. The government sees fit to keep it illegal however because Big Pharma owns Washington DC.
  6. Update: Signature issue was resolved (I was dealing with an automated HR response), toe has stopped bleeding, but my kitty is still very ill. She's on heavy duty antibiotics and pain killers, but still isn't eating or drinking. She's 15 years old and has arthritis on top of it. Re: the advertising. I wish I could log in as an administrator and delete all that garbage, plus block whoever the clod is spamming us with it. Actually, I'd like to meet the person in a dark alley but we won't go there.
  7. I was in a very bad place yesterday as the result of an avalanche of sh!t had buried me--a very sick cat, I ripped the heck out of my big toe and it was bleeding profusely, and a water leak in my apartment. Then the big whammy hit: I received a message that I had been disqualified from a job offer that I had accepted. The reason? My signature wasn't acceptable on the PDF document! What the...? I'm really hoping that I can clear this up when their offices open tomorrow (Monday). This is a job that I think I would enjoy--delivering medical supplies to home-bound patients. I used such a service when I was laid up a year ago, as did my daughter all summer and fall after her liver "exploded." This universe seems designed to kick one's @ss at every opportunity. Or at least my pathetic @ss. I hope everyone is doing OK. Sorry to be such a gloomy SOB.
  8. Thank you @rainingviolets. That's a beautiful response. Sorry it took me this long to respond. Simply turning on the laptop takes a lot of my energy nowadays. I turned inward at some point. It must have been when I was around 8. I'd obsess about what people said or thought about me. I've tried to stop thinking that way and sometimes I'm successful. For maybe an hour at a time. Anyway, I'm trying to deal with my complete lack of motivation right now.
  9. Wow. This has to be one of the top five posts I've ever read on this site. I'm not going to water it down by making a half-@ssed reply (in my usual fashion). Thank you.
  10. Here it is, the first Monday of 2023. No news on any jobs that I've applied for. I'm being ghosted by employers because of my age. You'd think the 32.5 years of employment in the same place would count for something. At least my daughter continues to feel better. She's getting around pretty well. I admire her strength and tenacity.
  11. Yikes! I'm very fortunate...nobody has invited me, and I'm not inviting anyone. My kitties and I can hang out without interruptions. My daughter still isn't mobile so I won't be seeing her before Christmas.
  12. I know that self-loathing is destroying my life. I've despised myself since I was in elementary school. A large portion of my thoughts have been focused on what a worthless POS I've been. My actions have proven it time and again. Where did this loathing come from? I don't know, but I suspect it's because I've sucked at pretty much everything I've ever tried to do. I've also messed up and soiled many people's lives. Coming into contact with me is bad news. I'm like the Typhoid Mary of bad karma. The obvious solution is to end my rampage. Take myself completely out of the picture. Yeah. I've tried being grateful, counting my blessings, etc endlessly. It actually makes me feel worse. I can't even assemble a decent life from those "blessings." That's how badly I suck.
  13. I wish you the very best, @dontnowat2doanymore. I have no magic words to "help." My daughter has been going through major health issues and I've been a wreck. I guess noting that here is a form of commiseration. That's about all I can offer.
  14. Hey fam, it's been three weeks since I last visited. I haven't been able to find the energy to type a few sentences to describe what has been going on. I know many of us struggle especially hard during this time of year. To me, it doesn't feel different than any other time; the rut is still as deep. I'm very grateful that my daughter came through her surgery in fine form. I was very worried in advance of it, even knowing the surgeon is one of the best. I'm not an optimist so I wasn't able to "think positively" going in. I need to find a better place to become homeless. I won't be making rent come January 1. The temps at night are down below 0F so it's a really bad time to live out on the streets. Not that there's ever a good time. I'm drawing on social security and a meager pension. My ex gets half of that pension automatically by state law, plus I am supposed to give her $1500/month on top of it. I can't afford it but the courts say I can--and will. I currently live in a dump of an apartment with no weather insulation so I wear a winter coat to bed. Fortunately, my two kitties will crawl inside so we can all stay warm(ish). I've been trying to find employment but I"m finding out that age discrimination is a thing. Why hire someone who is 63 years old when someone 1/3 that age will work much faster for less money? This is what I get to look forward to in life.
  15. I'm sorry that I haven't been more active here. I miss you guys. You're like my lifeline to what passes for sanity in my life. I have almost zero motivation to do anything, but I did drag my sorry carcass to my cousin's place for Thanksgiving. It took all of my willpower to get out of the apartment and make the drive. I had a decent time while I was there, though the visit reinforced the fact that I'm so dysfunctional compared to "normal" people. I'm eating too much while not exercising enough. I need to get on top of that, but it's as hard as stopping drinking (which I did several years ago).
  16. There are days where my moods swing around like a wind vane in a tornado. It's kind of scary.,
  17. I'm still walking this earth. I keep worrying about my daughter's upcoming surgery. It will be major. I know worrying does no good but that doesn't stop me. I need money badly but I don't want to work with people again.
  18. November 2 and the temperature is 73F. That's crazy! I was in shorts and a T-shirt today. Walked down to the lake and hung out for about an hour. That put me in a better mood.
  19. I sit in the recliner with both kitties laying on me while I hold the remote. I can sit there for hours at a time, not moving. I know there are a zillion things I should be doing instead, but I can't find the motivation to push my dead @ss out of the chair. I keep the cats fed and their litter clean, but not much else.
  20. I understand that "envy" towards people who seem to be happy and joyful with life. I've numbed myself to it however.
  21. This is often because of some sensor sending a bad signal (or no signal at all). In the old days, I would have said it could be a vacuum leak...but I'm not sure that's even a thing on newer cars.
  22. I don't even want to attempt anything in the first place, let alone replicate some task or whatever. Learned helplessness sucks.
  23. Well, the "never good enough" aspect certainly rings true with me. I've taken that to the extreme. My motivation has flat-lined so I no longer want to attempt much of anything because I know that it will end in failure (or, more accurately, I've convinced myself that is how it will end). I've become Marvin the Robot in human form--though even he would occasionally do something useful. I'll come back to this thread a little later, once the caffeine has kicked in.
  24. I've always had only a minimal amount of self confidence. Recently, it has gotten even worse. I don't want to do anything because an endless string of previous experiences have shown me that the results will be disastrous, or at least not what was intended. This extends to even simple things like changing the cat litter. Or posting to this forum. Anyone else paralyzed by indecision and lack of motivation based on decades of failure?
  25. There have been many occasions where I've wanted to know exactly when it's coming, and to make it happen at that point. I'd feel bad for the engineer in the cab of the speeding locomotive if he "helped" me to bring an end to this ongoing nightmare. He would have to live with it. That is what has stopped me.
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