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About Golden_Jackal

  • Birthday 11/06/1984

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Las Vegas, NV
  • Interests
    Painting, drawing, video games, body modification, horror movies, werewolves, insects..

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  1. Nice to meet you, too! I've had the same problems in other forums, too.. But people are much friendlier here from what I've seen. Yeah. I don't know what I would do without Netflix.. Just started watching Torchwood now that I've finished all the Doctor Who on there. Hi Jbarnski. Wanted to answer you. :) In another forum where I post, I'm considered the "thread killer". My posts seem to end any & all discussion. And yes, that does make me feel paranoid! Well, that could be a good thing! Maybe you could go on threads where people are fighting and just Shhhhh them with your magical thread ******* powers?? Bwahaha, you're like a boy version of me it seems! Nice to meet you!
  2. ...yeah.. Totally guilty of berating myself for everything I do wrong and completely ignoring the things I do right. I think shame is one of my biggest problems. I went home early from work yesterday because I couldn't handle the day anymore and I spent the drive home criticizing myself for not hacking it instead of maybe praising myself for at least recognizing that it was best for me to not be there. And I am super empathetic with my friends and even strangers. (I've made some of my best friends (and husband) in the past by pretty much forcing my love on people who looked sad and lonely) But I get the worst treatment from myself.. I'm really working on trying to go to a psychologist again.. But all psychs should have online forms for people who have really bad social anxiety sometimes, just saying.. Every time I pick up the phone to call and make an appointment, I end up shaking and feeling like I'm going to vomit so I hang up. My best friend has offered to call for me and I might take her up on the offer if this gets any worse.
  3. I am not familiar with this concept.. Guess it's time to get googling.. Thank you.. I wish I had the answers for you and everybody else on here, too. Being depressed is le awful. It's very helpful to know that it can get better. Not being "normal" in my relationship is one of the major causes of me not liking myself very much..
  4. Mostly PS3.. My husband and I actually each have our own TV and PS3.. We have all the other consoles and I do occasionally play PC games but my heart lies mostly with Sony.
  5. Video games are relaxing? (Just kidding, I know they can be!) Somebody should tell that to my 12 year old son! He gets SO mad at them sometimes, I keep buying nice mellow games and he keeps going back to the Zombie slaying ones....Can you recommend any his MOM can play to relax? My mom loved puzzle and word games.. But she also really loved the original Legend of Zelda. And sometimes slaying zombies IS relaxing, haha!! But you're talking to a woman who had a zombie wedding at a year round haunted house!
  6. OHMYGOODNESS!! He is too cute!! Kittens are the cutest things ever, in my opinion.. And I think Simon is a great name! I just wanna cuddle his little face!
  7. Doodling while I have a nice cry at my desk.
  8. "Why do you think he would stick by you even after you break up with him? What does he usually do when you break up with him, anyway?" Because he has stuck by me in the past.. and when we have broken up, yes, he's taken it hard because he loves me.. Look, I don't know why he puts up with it, okay? I DON'T KNOW. "He loves me" is the only conceivable reason I have. "Is the lack of sex due to you not being attracted to him anymore?" Probably.. and I'm too sad to care. It doesn't sound like fun and I normally cry afterwards anyway. "How messed up am I that I already have a knight in shining armor but I wanted the villain?" No, I didn't act on it. I stopped being friends with the guy and annexed him from my life because I didn't want anything to ever happen. I don't want to be that person. "If this is the case, where do you get the idea that you have the potential to be a great mom? The two aren't necessarily connected, by the way. It depends on how one defines "great mom."" I guess I don't know then, do I? I'm sorry for assuming that. "Well what about your husband? Does he bring in enough to make things more comfortable for you both, and hypothetically for children?" We make about 50k combined.. I don't know if that's enough. I don't know why I even bothered trying this forum again. I can't even answer simple questions without turning into a wreck. I'm sorry for assuming anyone loves me or that a kid would even stand me as a mom.
  9. That whole reply gave me a mild panic attack so I'm going to answer when I feel like I can do so without making a big, defensive fuss.
  10. OHMYGODYES. This is my existence at the moment.. I have my degree in media arts and animation.. But I answer switchboard at a car dealership. Why? Because I lack any motivation to draw anything.. (and a crippling fear of job interviews) Sometimes I'll get little bursts for about a week but then nothing for weeks or months. I love painting but I rarely do it. I'm supposed to be helping a friend by doing some drawings for a card game he's developing but I can't seem to find any motivation to even start. I was apprenticing as a tattoo artist, too, but I think I've essentially given up on that because how am I supposed to learn when I can't even get myself to draw the simplest flash or practice script? I also just bought a viola because I thought picking up an istrument i used to play would help my depression but I just kind of stare at it when I'm at home. I want to play again but all I end up doing is playing video games instead.. So, I completely understand what you're going through.. I even got addicted to drugs at one point in college just to finish an animation project.. I wouldn't ever do that again but at the time it seemed like my only option. It's so awful.. I don't have any advice for you since I'm still struggling myself but maybe we'll be able to figure this business out!!
  11. Thank you all for your hellos!! Taysmom - Did you name him yet?? Literally every animal I have is named after a video game character.. Though I once owned a seal point and he was named Atlas. He was an awesome cat. Here are my babies: This is Lynx.. He'll be six this month and he's the most mellow cat in the history of ever. When he was six months old, he made the trek from Missouri to Vegas in my mother-in-law's truck with a boxer named Daisy.. He actually seems to think he's a dog sometimes and used to play fetch when he was a kitten. This is my jerk cat, Yoshi. He'll be six in December. He's really sweet when he wants to be but he also enjoys eating way too much and then throwing it up everywhere. He's the worst beggar in the world and I can't even eat a cracker without him being up in my face. We adopted him at six months old. This is Harle.. She is of questionable age. We adopted her from Petsmart and it said four on one paper and eight on another. I think she's closer to ten based on how her bones feel. She's such a love when it comes to humans but hates pretty much every other animal but hate Lynx above all else for no discernible reason. This is Bowser.. He just turned four last month. He's a Jack Russell/Chihuahua mix. While technically my and my husband's dog, he lives with my dad. My dad has his litter mate and he would get so depressed after we'd pick him up from my dad's that we eventually decided it'd be better to just let him live there. He has a rude habit of sticking his tongue up your nose which is my fault because I think it's hilarious. We adopted him at 8 weeks old.
  12. I just started having this problem recently.. I used to shower once or twice a day when I was a teenager/young adult. But a couple weeks ago I went four days without a shower which is damn near unheard of for me. I just didn't care enough to. I finally cared when I started to be able to smell myself.. Most of it was because I have to leave at 6am for work and most of the time, I hit snooze until about 5:50 so I don't have time to shower. Normally, I'll take one when I get home but sometimes I just don't feel like it.
  13. This is exactly how I felt when I was in college.. Being around a bunch of talented, artistic people should've been motivation but mostly it was the exact opposite. I rate myself at about a 4.. It changes sometimes.. when I'm around my best friend I feel adequate and important because she's such a glowing amazing person I figure she must see /something/ in me or else she wouldn't waste her time. But most of the time, I just feel unimportant.
  14. Good afternoon.. Since I've introduced myself in the introduction section, I thought I'd give a quick rundown on why I am here.. tl;dr warning! Possible triggers as well.. I have dealt with depression since I was about 16.. I'll be the first to say that I have a lot of potential.. I am very artsy and musically inclined. I'm no genius but I'm definitely intelligent. I have a wonderful husband, father, and friends. I own a house and a car. I have my bahcelors in media arts and animation. I have a steady job even though I hate it. I have three kitties I love. These are all reasons that I feel even more depressed about being depressed. I feel guilty that I have so much yet I feel so worthless. I don't use any of my potential because I simply don't feel up to it. I stick around as a switchboard operator because it's safe. My boss loves me so she would never get rid of me.. But I absolutely hate my job and have since I started over six years ago. I work at a Mercedes dealership and the unpleasant people I deal with on a daily basis is too much for me. It's not just the clients but most of the employees outside of my phone room are unbearable.. The salespeople are cocky douche bags most of whom don't even know my name. I do waaaay more than my job description but often times do not feel appreciated for it. I break down here a lot. I've never been shy about crying in public so I don't even bother stopping it at this point when it happens. I have a degree and I could try and find something new but the fear I have of interviews is not something I'm willing to face at the moment. I'm a shaking nervous wreck at the prospect.. I'm bad in new social situations to begin with. I'm very outgoing in my group of friends but with strangers, I avoid eye contact just to make sure people won't talk to me.. But when they do, I'm very polite and sweet. The closest I've gotten to even changing my career was I started an apprenticeship with my tattoo artist last September. I did well for a while, even got to tattoo myself, but I have stopped caring lately. It doesn't help that my mentor is a depressed alcoholic/pill popper.. And I have had my own problems with drugs and pills in the past so it makes me uncomfortable to be around him and most of the people in the industry, to be honest. Plus, he's always disappearing and I have a huge problem with worry so that stresses me out to no end. May 13th 2011 I lost my mom to cancer.. If I wasn't depressed enough before that, I was certainly depressed after.. She was a HUGE part of my existence and I still have a problem accepting she's not going to pop back up again. My dad has gotten a lot of help and is dealing with it well to the best of my knowledge. She stayed at home the entire year and a half she was sick and he cared for her. I tried to help but I was so useless. I was so sad and I was addicted to pain pills.. I would steal them from anyone I possibly could including my own dying mom. I still have very strong feelings of hatred towards myself because of that. I lost friends, too, though the one I would from the most has recently come back into my life and forgiven me. (His dad died of cancer, too, so he said he understands how hard it is) I can't even read the stupid parent things people post on FB without breaking down. My husband and I got married on her birthday this year and I even had trouble having fun at Disney World because I was so depressed.. My husband is very accepting of me and tries his best to understand my problems.. He is closer to my parents than he is his own so it hurt him when my mom died, too. But even before all that pain, I was not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. In all of my relationships, I have lost my sex drive about 6 months in so he has to deal with possibly getting lucky maybe once every couple of months. He's beautiful and sweet and kind so I can't understand what happened and why I'm not attracted to him anymore. The only people I tend to harbor any sort of attraction to were not good people. One guy I had a crush on.. I was convinced he could possibly even be a serial killer. He was so dark and seemingly evil so that made me even sadder. How messed up am I that I already have a knight in shining armor but I wanted the villain? But still, my husband sticks by me. I have even broken up with him a few times because I kept telling him he was better off without me.. I tell everyone that I don't want kids but that's not really the case. I actually think I have the potential to be a great mom but I can't even keep a clean house, how can I look after a child? Besides the fact that I only make $20,000 a year and that's barely enough to sustain myself. I think my best friend is probably the only person who knows just how bad things are in my head.. But even still she doesn't know everything. I have been more and more centered on death lately.. I've gone back to self-harming.. I just want to sleep all day. I don't draw very much but when I do, it's like a whole other person is drawing because the style isn't how I normally draw. I have seen many doctors in the past, tried many different medications, but nothing helped so I stopped going.. I've recently decided I might try again because I don't have any other choice. I can't keep living like this or I won't want to keep living at all. There is a weird, beautiful, crazy woman in here somewhere but she's so lost and I don't know how to get her back.
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