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Everything posted by Lilblueblonde

  1. Today I want to make a big pan of soup, bake cornbread, and watch movies with my kids.... Maybe after work!
  2. Glad you're here, Morgan! I am finally out of my low low episode. That's the only good thing about my depression, it's transient. Eventually I get a break and it feels great! I'm sending warm thoughts to all of you today. Be Well, Lil
  3. Today I want to work on my tan, work on my fitness, and work on reading a good novel. Instead, I have to just plain work! Harumph!
  4. Right now I want to leave work, get a super size Big Mac meal, get in my jammies, get in bed, and watch Duck Dynasty.... Life gets in the way of my down time....grrr.....
  5. Hi, Jb. You're not wrong for seeking help through the internet. This is the perfect place for you to be. Nobody experiences depression the same way - even tho we all may have similar symptoms. Your ex-friend is wrong. Try to avoid her and insulate yourself from her words by continuing to seek support in these forums. I have learned that the more we try to tell other people our point of view, it usually falls on deaf ears or they use what we say against us. I wish you well. Blessings. Lil
  6. Thanks, Everyone, for sharing. I work in an office and teach staff development on a regular basis. Hair washing is also my biggest deterrant to showering. I don't have the energy to dry my hair and I hate doing it. I HAVE to shower at night because getting out of bed for work is as much as I can handle in the morning. I have to keep myself well-groomed for when I work with the public, but there have even been work weeks that I've gone three days without a trip to the tub - longer than that and my oily hair gives me away. I'm so thankful I have found this community. Blessings!
  7. I have a really difficult time expressing my anger to other people, so when I feel upset I turn it on myself. That is NOT helpful at all, but it prevents any doscord in any of my relationships. I once heard that depression is the result of anger turned inward. I guess I'm fueling my own fire.
  8. Bolo, I'm so glad you posted this. I have a few thoughts because I experience problems with love too. Humans are biologically hard wired to pair-bond. Meaning we are social and sexual creatures whose very brains move us toward connecting with another human being. The initial attraction is chemical (pheromones) and the feeling will be most mutual if we have similar genetic make up (compatible genes). This is all empirically proven research in social psychology and socio-biology. When we do bond with someone romantically, our brain releases feel-good hormones that reinforce us and make us want to stay in that couple. When depression gets added to the mix these chemical and neurohormone processes are thrown off-balance. That will cause problems with attraction, attachment, bonding, or any other component of the relationship process. The isolation caused by depression hinders us from reaching out, and because we start to get painfully lonely it exacerbates our depression. I have often been so lonely for a nice relationship that it aches at my core. When my depression is in a major flare up, I could not care less about adding another person to my life and have to meet their emotional needs. We all experience these things differently, but it comes from the same point. We are meant to be with a partner - sometimes other factors just get in the way. The good thing about your dream is that you are able to experience a wide range of emotion, even if it's at a subconscious level. You have the emotional make up to be in a relationship. That's a great start. No, you will not go insane if you never have a girlfriend, but too much isolation is very unhealthy for humans. Have you thought about practicing relationship skills/taking social risks by going to a site that allows you to find friends/penpals? A lot of very close relationships start with just the written word. The man I loved the most ever was a pen-pal with whom I only had lunch once and never got to see again except in computer photos. Just some thoughts.... Blessings....
  9. Alcohol is a depressant, and I know that. The hardest thing for me is that after the first two glasses of alcohol, I feel more upbeat. If I could stop at that point it would be fine. Unfortunately, the idea of "more is better" doesn't apply to alcohol and I end up going way overboard most of the time. That makes mornings even more "yucky". I feel less bad about myself knowing many of the people here are battling depression and self-medicating behaviors. It's good to know I am not alone. Thank you all for sharing!
  10. Gbrown, I would also urge you to continue to write in these forums. I find that very therapeutic when I feel isolated and desperate. Psychiatry is an inexact science and everyone is different - even though we all suffer from the same disorder. It often takes time to find a medication that matches your brain chemistry and then additional time to let it build up in your system enough to be at therapeutic levels. Patience is not my virtue, but the end results of sticking it out are often very good. There are some great listening ears on here - avail yourself of the support. Blessings!
  11. I have really enjoyed reading this thread. What a remarkable group of people you all are! I hear these stories of my fellow warriors and it is SO encouraging. I never realized I had anhedonia until this current depressive episode. I used to say I had "lost my ability to dream", as I had always enjoyed a rich and vivid imagination with regard to life's possibilities. The very first medicine I was put on was prozac and it changed my life - my first "window" as Trev would say. I remember saying I felt 17 again. It was amazing. Chronic, intense stress over the next 11 years was the tool my depression used to chip away at me again. I am a mental health practitioner and, like Trev, I have found talk therapy to have negligible effects on any part of my depression. I've been stuggling with it consistently for all of my adult life. I self medicate with alcohol, which caused weight gain, but the anhedonia makes me not care to do anything about it except hate myself more. There's the rub: the only emotion I CAN feel is self-hatred. Anyway - I really wanted to share my latest windows - I had two thirty second blasts a pure emotion. Both times I was dragged to work out with my friend (who has no idea I'm dying inside). I worked out at boot camp and right as I stopped one particular set, the hard, dead knot inside me loosened and I felt proud,happy, and tearful. It was an amazing feeling. And then it was gone. A few weeks later I ran a 5K and as I crossed the finish line that same sensation washed over me. I don't remember the last time I was happy, but I will never forget those windows. It gave me hope. The problem with me now is that I'm back to not caring enough to exercise or to do anything other than drag myself through days of work, mothering, and alcohol. Even though I KNOW being active would help me - and that sensation could come back - the hole of my depression is just too deep. I am SO thankful to have found this site. I already feel better just having this support. I'm sorry for the weird spacing on this post, I can't figure it out. Thank you again for sharing all of your stories. Blessings.
  12. I wish I were more like that. When my depression flares, I just want to be numb. My alcohol consumption goes way up. That causes my meds not to work as well and it's a vicious cycle. I'm sorry that you're feeling worse, but you should be proud of yourself for not self-medicating. Loss of interest in things we used to enjoy is really common, so that may be where the loss of interest in alcohol is coming from. Are you able to fall asleep easily with out it? That's the hardest part for me. Don't know if this helps, but I hope your day is better!
  13. I'm new too. I'm sorry for all of your struggles, I am walking that road too. I am so glad to have found this site - the people are so welcoming!
  14. Melissag! I'm in a healthcare field as well. I really appreciated your post. TY
  15. This helped me a lot. When my meds are working, I have days where I completely forget I have depression. On days like today (really low), I need to realize that it is a chronic condition that has flare ups. Reframing it like that lightened my load just a little, but it made a huge difference. Thank you!
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