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About Seff

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  • Birthday 01/18/1984

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  1. Floor2017: Thanks so much for your truthful and kind words. I will take them to heart.
  2. Epictetus: Thanks for your post and sympathies. Yes I think treating myself the way I would treat others is a very good approach. Of course it's not always easy, so I'd be interested in hearing anything that worked for you. Ty.
  3. Mmoose: Thanks for your post and welcome. I wasn't able to find your thread in the water cooler. Though, I did search. I seem to be practically the epitome of this personality type. It is scary how accurate it is. And as an INFP I value uniqueness and individuality very highly. So I find it disturbing to find that I'm just one of a significant portion of the population that experiences the world in the same way that I do, have similar strengths and weaknesses etc. I feel like kind of like a robot. Like my personality has been determined by the way my cognitive functions work, so basically, my uniqueness is nothing but a number of "switches" turned one way or the other. It feels so un-special. Like finding out you're a man-made android that has been pre-selected with 1 out of 16 personality types. Again I feel this way because everything I've read about my type has been so scarily accurate. ...Who am I becoming? More of who I was meant to be before all the bad stuff happened... I'd like to make the world a better place through art and innovation... But we'll see what I can do with my time on this earth...
  4. I recently took the MBTI personality test. It said I'm an INFP type. People with this personality type are idealists who are constantly judging themselves. We hold ourselves to the highest standards and want to make the world a better place. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in the past. Especially some nasty behavior when I was extremely stressed, and distraught. How can I reconcile this with who I'm becoming, given there are triggers around that remind me of those times? Thanks for any advice.
  5. *I really, wanted to edit my first post, cuz I thought of more stuff, and I really don't wanna keep it bottled up inside....(but it won't let me edit anymore)...* *I wanna be able to add to this list when I feel it's necessary.... Sorry for the double post.....* *I'm gonna word it towards him - like I'm venting at him....* -AND how you snuck a peak at my bank account that 1 night when I came to visit... and how you treated me as a source of money afterwards, and how much shallow and seemingly phony attention and concern you started to show me after you thought I could be $$$ to you..... And how it stopped after I didn't give u a large bday present..... YOU should be the one helping me out...... I shouldn't have to pay to be in your good graces.... You're the one who left me with a mentally unsound mother, went off and knocked some other lady up... then chose to give all your love and attention to them.. leaving me to rot in bad circumstance.... -And to a lesser degree - because I understand struggle - The way it feels like you and the older half brother are of one mind against me... it feels like u both just want to exploit me... -I know that in your "heart of hearts" you do care.... but your inability, (or just laziness), to show that care in a positive / supportive way over the years, has taken it's toll on our relationship..... I'm through w u
  6. Hi MarkintheDark, I like your user name... Sorry to hear you've had to deal with a narcissistic parent yourself... It sounds like you definitely did the right thing by cutting her off those years ago. Congrats! That's not an easy thing to do.... As for me - it's important to forgive, because it's not him whose suffering from my anger, it's me. I'm not doing it for his sake lol. I already barely am in communication with him - only once or twice a year... So why should I constantly be thinking about how he wronged me? I shouldn't ...lol sorry to use that word... Let's say I'd be a better place if I wasn't thinking about him... And now that I've gotten a lot of it off my chest... I already can breathe easier.
  7. Thanks! I think this was the first step... I don't feel the need to dwell on his shortcomings as a father so much now that I've written it all down... I don't really know what the next step would be, besides talking it over with a therapist or friend... Edit: Also - as I was writing down each point, I imagined more of his point of view... which helps a bit....
  8. *Warning* This got really, really long and ranty, but I definitely needed to get it ALL off my chest. And think I'll follow this up with some therapy. Feel free to leave advice without a full read. Ty Aaaand the good news is: I'm actually further away from depression than I've ever been over 20yrs! Doing good! ...Just still needa deal with some of those issues from my past like lingering: Anger towards my father It is the single most burdensome amount of hate I carry with me. It's a heavy weight and it stops me from being in the moment time and time again. As thoughts of his callousness, and abandonment pop into my head fairly often. Clearly this is not healthy... And I should be at a place where I could fully forgive him, and focus on tasks at hand.... But I just find myself continually thinking about all the harmful advice he gave me as a young man battling with depression... (including not going to see a therapist, and telling me he didn't believe me...) The way he's able to rose tint the past... so that he always thinks the best of himself and never admits any wrongdoing... even insisting he told me to see a therapist... LOL The way he says he told me he hated his parent's style of neglectful parenting - yet chose to adopt it himself... How much fathering I gave him - listening to his life story and his troubles... Giving him actually pretty decent feedback and advice..... The way he used to treat me like his brother and competitor instead of being more supportive like to a son.... The way I continually, naively, would look for love & acceptance, but never quite find it exactly...... At least not the way I wanted/hoped for... The way he chose to - suddenly - very angrily explode at me - and verbally attack me and my character - for not helping him around the house during one of my visits to his place*.... Which, due to ensuing argument, caused a great rift to grow between my half brother and I - still apparent to this day... The way he continually will make fun and light of my body image issues.... (One of the worst for sure, but I think he's waiting for me to say something back to him about it - but I never do).... The way he left me when I was a teenager - and going through the hardest time in my life - when I needed him the most... And I didn't make it out of high school ok... in fact I was one damaged young man... friends calling me at the time: "broken".... The way he said that I never brought any joy into his life ..... But if he would have been there for me when I needed him, to help me through those tumultuous times - maybe, just maybe that wouldn't be so............... The way he made me feel not up to snuff, that time he asked if "I was up" to go in and visit his parents...... Which contributed to my withdrawal from that side of my family..... The way he told me he gave up on me (completely).... because of my lack of career ambitions at the time.... The way he didn't phone me at all - after I called to tell him I had a mental breakdown due to emotional issues.... .....In fact I called him for emotional support and he actually said something like: I have too many other things on my plate..... How he told me he lost my number when I did eventually contact him again..... LOL The way he only made me feel loved when I bought him/ my half brother's presents......... (something which made me seriously further undervalue myself... and to some degree caused me to think I could only be worthy if buying ppl things)...... The way he never put any time into teaching me a skill.....though I asked him to several times..... and still refuses... The way he made me feel - when he changed his look - immediately after ppl commented that we look a like.... The way he makes me feel, when he gives me shallow repetitive advice, without thinking things through/ and/or taking the time to understand me..... The way I know he justified it to himself - when he stole my favorite hoody and kept it for 3 years -bcuz that was my contribution to him.... LOL The way I had to lend him $, though he didn't exactly support me as a child.......... The way his mind has placed me into the "bad" box, and my half brothers into the "good" box so thoroughly... that when evidence to the contrary arises... sometimes... he doesn't see it.... *He never gave my mother or I much of any $upport.... So maybe I felt a little entitled when I went over there.... And honestly I was a bit of a spoiled child as well.... But instead of ever hinting, that he would like some help / or ever asking for some help / or ever commenting anything about this at all to me.... He chose to absolutely loose it one day, break out yelling at me at the top of his lungs - with some other extremely wild and very false accusations - that I couldn't believe he was saying.... And then telling me - why don't I help him out with the dishes and stuff??... I was in utter disbelief and I cried out in tears, anger, and deep deep guttural pain: Where were you?! Where were you when I needed you?!? One of my little half brothers, only 8 years old at the time, was there... He will never forgive me for that - trauma... And he thinks I'm all to blame for it..... I don't know maybe I am... but it seems to me that as the adult, my father should have handled things better - if he wanted me to start helping out around the house when I came in to town to visit............. **So to be clear, this is all a one sided point of view....I know my dad isn't perfect. Obviously.....And has gone through a lot in life himself..... In the last few years, he has made some effort to correct some of his behavior, and to say that he loves and accepts me, unconditionally... He says that, and I do believe he means it to the degree that he can.... But after so much of this... that has really had a bad effect on me... I can't help but feel it's a little too little, and too late to help me through those tough times, if anything his absence made worse.... ***He left me because my mother wanted him gone, and he had to raise my half brothers on his own.*** I know it's selfish.... but it doesn't change the fact that he left me. He left me when I needed him the most.... *Welp* it felt really good to get this off my chest. I can already begin to feel a bit more at peace but I think I still have a lot of work to do. Any advice/comments much appreciated. Thanks!
  9. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since my teenage years. During the most turbulent of times, in my 20's I lost almost all my friends, and a lot of family too. : -( I was very misguided and I isolated myself thoroughly. One of the absolute most painful losses was that of my former best friend and "brother".. We grew up together, since kindergarten, and were very close to say the very least. Losing him was in a way more painful than losing a girlfriend. Because with a girlfriend, you can distance yourself and cut ties, hopefully. But this guy basically pretended to still be my friend for a while, and at the same time hated my guts for perceived transgressions, and showed zero understanding to my mental state.. So he was always around, I can remember trying my absolute hardest to mend the friendship, but nothing worked, leaving me in tears several several times. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Thankfully, I have been slowly feeling and doing better mentally over the years, and had made incredible gains just this past month. Through constant effort I felt that pit of unwarranted guilt in my stomach lifted. . . And I wasn't feeling depressed at all really, for the first time since lifetimes ago. Kinda felt like a new man, like I could actually have the confidence to achieve my goals. But I had a major setback yesterday, my birthday. Normally I would never have reached out to my former friends to help me celebrate my b-day. As I knew it I woulda just made me feel bad. But since the last time I saw them it wasn't so bad, and I was in a good way, I thought it might actually be nice... It was a huge mistake to say the least, and I guess I shoulda known better. Seeing my former best friend , especially at my bday, was just so depressing. He has admitted to having issues with being a "phony" . . . And it was so painful to see my former best friend hold so much negativity towards me, whilst showing the thinnest veneers of phony friendship on the surface. . . And on top of it, this other old friend made me feel bad for not having my career as together as I should for someone my age. Sigh Welp, I'm already starting to feel better . . . But this was very emotional. and a major trigger, plunging me back into depression for a little bit there. . . One things for sure, next B-day I'm going to get together only with true friends lol. Thanks for listening guys. Any comments appreciated.
  10. I've been suffering from depression & anxiety for the better part of 2 decades... but am now actually getting out of it. I'm still dealing with it but whereas before I could not even remember what it was like not to be depressed, now I can actually see myself lifting out of it..maybe even for good. Now, I still have had a whole bunch of things happen to me in the past, dating back to childhood, and adolescence... I'm wavering about whether or not I should talk things out with a therapist. Get things outta my system... That would be the argument for it, and it would be good to get things off my chest no doubt. But I'm also afraid that drudging up the past, whining about everything that's gone wrong, may actually not be beneficial at this point. A part of me feels that I should just put all my energy into building a new life for myself, and not dwell on the past any longer... And I can see myself doing so successfully.. But what do you guys think? Ty
  11. Thanks for the responses! Steve: Well, don't think I was reading too too much into things... Though I mean yes I did jump the gun. .. But one class she was talking about doin stuff outside of class, the next she was sayin how she met someone who's awesome, and no more talk bout doin stuff together... I, in fact, am still getting mixed signals from her to this day... Think you were dead right bout her bein self centered though.. understandably so I suppose... So I won't take things so personally. Good advice. Wiean: Haha, thanks Wiean! Nice to hear that from a lady : ), and thanks for good advice! JLM1980: Sage advice! Thank you
  12. Totally, totally, totally, can relate. Good news is you're still young. Plenty of time to get things going in a betta direction before your thirties man. Do it. Do it if you can. Pull through. I'm about a decade older and feel like a good 14 years or so have been a total waste. I do sometimes feel a bit resentful at those people who never knew real struggles and just seemed so happy all the time. But I don't dwell. And I'm not gonna give up either. As sad a case as I may be, I still have hope that one day I'll be where I wanna be. I may be in mid forties before that happens!
  13. I don't have seasonal affective disorder myself, but there are many articles on the web about how to deal with it. Not saying it will be easy, but some things they mention may help. Such as getting in shape, cutting out sugar, and even certain indoor lighting can have a positive impact. Here's a LINK.
  14. I don't know what the bleep I'm doing. I feel so out of control. I've been going to an improv class for people with anxiety. One of the girls there seemed interested in me. I barely go out, I don't work, most friendships I have have dwindled away. I feel so alone and unloved all the time. She seemed interested, so I thought to myself, welp, no way I could ever invite her or anybody over to my place with the state it's in. I spent like over 2200$ trying to fix the place up, Now, she pulled a total 180 this class and seems like she doesn't barely wanna hang at all. I mean it's OKAY because, I'd like to invite some people over anyways, sometime. Try to resuscitate some long dead connections... But just seems so freakin futile. And I would not have spent that money so quickly if she hadn't seemed so interested. I'm such a fool. ....But these are the actions of a person starving for love and friendship...
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