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Lost Dreams

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  1. Feel free to read if you can relate... I am just venting here. I'm in college right now and I only had a year left to graduate. Recently I started getting really depressed for no reason. My life was great. And then for no reason, my mind went blank. Everything is so fuzzy and I can't even think. I feel detached from my mind. I can't really explain it... it just like there is this constant fogginess over my thoughts. Sometimes I can't even remember driving somewhere or doing certain things because all of the moments in my life just blur together. Things just happen and I'm not really living. I'm not really there, mentally. And I can't force it - it doesn't have to do with not being focused, which I'm not. It's more like something that is out of my control - I feel like I have lost my mind. I can't even read my homework assignments because reading 1 page takes me ten hours and then I still don't even know what I read. I just don't care -- even though I have always cared so much. I have worked so hard to get to where I am, and I am throwing it all away because I just stopped caring. I've been dropping classes at school left and right even though I almost have a perfect 4.0. I quit everything I was involved in as far are building my resume for the future. I've quit my major - I decided to change it for the 3rd time because I don't feel I have the concentration or focus to do it anymore. I can't even think of anything to change it to because nothing at all interests me. That makes me anxious because then I feel like I have no future. Getting up and getting ready for the day just makes me want to cry. Driving to school feels like I am moving across the country. It all feels like so much effort and I have no energy at all. I stopped eating healthy and I stopped working out - two things which I love to do normally. I just have no energy and see no point so I find comfort in laziness and food. I can't find a reason to get out of bed when I could just lay there and die... I have no friends. I had some but I pushed them away because they would never understand how I feel now. It is easier for me to be alone in this than to be surrounded by people who don't understand. I am basically failing school now and I don't know how I will ever graduate because I have lost all motivation and focus. There is no way I can take another semester if I don't find an fix to this problem... there is no way my mind will be able to do it. I have a job but I barely work because it takes all of my energy to put on a fake personality and pretend that I'm happy. I feel like I have disappointed everyone in my life because I have quit everything. On top of all of this my health has been bad - my sleeping schedule is messed up. I have anxiety which I never had before in my life. I constantly worry about the future even though I feel as though I don't care about anything. I lay awake most of the time and then I'm exhausted in the day. Even when I get enough sleep I still feel like I could sleep forever. I don't like to do anything at all anymore except just lay and wait for sleep to take me away from everything. I have other health issues that make me feel terrible about my physical appearance and there is no medicine that can help. I have dealt with it by focusing on other successes in my life and now that I have none I am falling into this deep dark hole and I cannot climb out. I have no close relationships with anyone so there is no one to help pull me out. I feel hopeless and alone in this. I don't take medicine for this because side effects scare me. But I don't know what to do anymore... Just a few of my thoughts. Thanks for listening. :/
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