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zelavon

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About zelavon

  • Birthday 02/12/1995

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  1. Sorry for such a delay between my posts. I've had so much work to do. I'm kind of beating myself up over the fact I'm burying everything. Putting off 'feeling'. Because it can so easily be put off or disregarded as a bad day. I don't even know if what I'm experiencing is anything of importance. I really don't help myself. My friend has been talking to me a lot because she knows I've been feeling down but every time she asks me about it, I just can't express it. I shove it off as being 'fine' when I don't feel fine. I'm not used to this whole 'feelings' thing I guess. Probably the reason I cut. It's the only way for me to express how I feel. (that sounded less cliche and cheesy in my head) I just wanted to say thanks for everyone welcoming into the community. It feels good to know there are people here who actually seem to care about others.
  2. From one of my favourite musicians of all times: “Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.” “Suicide is a serious thing. And if you know anyone who is suicidal, you need to get them help. No one should be in pain. Everyone should love themselves. Like I love you all.” “Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.” “All your quirks and all your problems - even your depressions and your failures - that’s what makes you you.” - Gerard Way
  3. Seeing as I'm not on medication and I don't talk out my problems, I mainly feel like escapism works best for me. Because it's not always good to run away from your problems, I tend to try to think out some of the issues via writing them down. Then music, books, TV and film tend to help me escape a bit. Of course, too much escapism can cause a sense of not properly dealing with the problems but for short term issues, this works great for me.
  4. I already feel a little better after reading your positive and hopeful posts. I've never revealed my feelings to anyone before so I feels good to know there are people here to speak to. I guess my problem is the fact I've been dealing with this on my own for so long now and it's been something I need to keep secret. Now, I feel terrified to mention it or the prospect of telling someone. And I'm doubting if it will even help telling someone in person. Over the years I've managed to control everything and its been a real roller coaster of highs and lows but lately all my highs (university offers and good exam results) have been so temporally and there is no real logical reason for me to be feeling this way. Some days (like today) I feel so ridiculously crazy being stuck in my head alone with my thoughts. I guess it doesn't help that I haven't slept particularly well lately. Thanks for your support so far.
  5. I've been on and off 'depressed' for years but I've never been diagnosed or even recognized. To start with I thought it was simply teenage moods but my friend has just got diagnosed with depression and its started me thinking maybe I should get some help. Maybe not diagnosed by a doctor, but at least tell a friend. However, I have no clue how to start. I'm a very happy-go-lucky person on the outside. I'm scared if I mention anything, people will think I'm doing it for attention as all my friends see me as the 'funny' friend. I'm usually very sarcastic, funny, 'happy' but it's almost like I have two personalities. I hate attention, even the good kind of attention. I am a very anxious person (I go redder than a tomato) around people I don't know or in social situations but I'm working on that. I prefer the company of my small amounts of friends and even within my friends, we don't really talk about our 'feelings' and such. Only one of my friends knows I self harm (after noticing some scars) and I managed to shrug that off as no big deal and didn't go into detail. No one else knows, not even my family. I trust and love my friend who has just been diagnosed but how can I even bring up the subject and make it into a conversation? However, this seems like my only option as there is no way I feel like telling my family or a doctor. I don't even really know how to describe my feelings. My best guesses after a long hard look on my life and some research: I self harm, I guess I have body image problems, sexual confusion (but doesn't everyone...), sever anxiety, paranoia, anger issues, depression and suicidal thoughts (a lot)... and very sometimes a voice inside my head (I should stress it's one and not multiple). I'm not sure if I'm just being an attention seeking moody teenager to be fair. I might be making a fuss out of nothing but after coming onto this forum and seeing other posts and the friendly responses, at least I won't feel stupid in posting. My main ask is how to tell my friend. It's not just something you can just start talking about. And what good is it going to do? I don't know if its any good bringing something up that will just make me and my friends embarrassed and change how people see me. Maybe its best to let sleeping lions/dogs lie. Does anyone have any advice or stories about when they first confronted their depression and told someone about it? I feel very alone with my problem (if it is a problem) and would appreciate some reassurance.
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