Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by endoftheworld

  1. I have just had a dating experience come to an end. Without getting into the specific details, I was dating her for about a month, slightly long distance and we texted every day, quite a few lengthy phone calls and we spent two entire weekends together after a short initial meeting. Although that doesn't seem very long, we really did connect or so I thought at least, found each other attractive and so on. Last weekend which was my birthday infact I decided to spend it with her. I now realise that was a mistake as for most people your birthday can be an emotional day and spending it with someone who you don't know that well is a risk. And in this case it's a risk that didn't pay off. In brief, although there were some nice moments, I made some silly comments which did not go down well with her and as a result it led to probably ******* the attraction. I do think they were inappropriate despite the fact that I was joking and I apologised profusely. Regardless, she didn't feel they were right and the day after I got back from seeing her we spoke on the phone and she said she wasn't at peace and couldn't get over the comments I made and she would take some time to think it over and decide whether we could continue dating. A few days later, she texted me to say she hadn't changed her mind and wished me the best. I reiterated those comments were out of character and I hated that she was hurting from them. I wished her the best as well and that was it. This was the closest I've come now to a relationship in more than 6 years. I finally meet someone I am genuinely interested in (because that has been really difficult), have an attraction and a good connection with, only for it to end so abruptly. I genuinely thought that this could work out and I would finally have a gf after all these years, and in a way that's why I went up to see her for my birthday. I was feeling positive about the whole situation. A t38 now, I do wonder whether a relationship/marriage is even going to happen for me, no matter how much I want it. I know dating isn't easy and for many of you on here you will be feeling the same. After 6 years, what hope is there of a breakthrough? The two previous relationships I did have at 32 (3 months) and then at 29 (1 year) were both psychologically abusive as I didn't have boundaries and I let these women take advantage of my patience and tolerance by constantly testing me, gaslighting and disrespecting me. So yeah I'm approaching the end of my 30s and I've had one pathetic relationship of 3 months. I have dated alot though in this time, we're taking tons of first dates, a few second and third dates but it doesn't generally get past that stage. Why? Because I can never find someone who I want to pursue and have a connection and vice versa. All the women that are interested in me, I'm not into and the few ones I'm into, aren't into me. This last girl who I spent the last month dating was the first girl in 6 years that I genuinely felt attracted to, connected to and wanted to pursue, hence the disappointment and sadness. There are some great women out there but I don't know how many more bad experiences and setbacks with dating I can take. I'm not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes. I just want to meet my equal. That can't be too much to ask for but it seems, as a man I sense perhaps I don't have what it takes. I'm 6"2, sporty, have my own flat, a job that is nothing special but a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable but none of this appears to be enough. I can get dates, matches or whatever but not progression to a relationship, someone actually wanting to be with me for me. There have been women in the past who have really liked me though but I didn't feel the same. For example, a few years ago I went out with a girl for a few months who I found attractive but there was no real connection and I knew that from early on but I carried on thinking that might develop. It never did. Then more recently 2 years ago I was very close with another lady who I had an amazing connection with, many similar interests but no physical attraction. Again I gave that a go for many months because I thought the physical attraction would develop but of course it never did. Deep down I knew in both cases, it was going nowhere but I wanted to try as people kept saying give this a go, you have to do things differently, well this is why you've been single for so long, you never know etc etc. I have had many years in therapy and counselling when I was younger and most recently a few years ago. I'm not sure any of it has really helped in terms of my overall progress but it helped that I had someone to talk to. Perhaps I need that again. I don't know what else to do. I continue to go on dating apps, websites, try to meet women at church and other social events but it seems super hard to have what I see as the three essential aspects - a physical attraction, an emotional connection/compatibility and enough similar interests and for me as a Christian, a fellow believer. I have gone on dates with many women who have had 2 or 3 of those key areas. This last girl I felt ticked every one hence why I'm struggling right now. I messed up an opportunity but maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
  2. I've been having a real hard time for many years but am going through another familiar phase where I'm out of work and feeling extremely lost and anxious. I finished university with a humanities degree with no real idea what to do next. That was 12 years ago now. I am still in the same place I was then - no career direction/path, no idea what to do with my life but simply older now, at 34. The work I have done has mainly been in the government/office based roles and they have mostly been temporary jobs and then I've travelled in between these jobs. I have worked hard (and was always punctual, professional etc.) even if the work itself was never that interesting. The last two positions I had which were both contracts I would have gladly continued (as I realise I am getting old and wanted to build experience and just settle down) but on both occasions the contracts came to an end and were not renewed. For the last 2/3 months now I've been applying for so many jobs and had interviews (both face-to-face and phone) but nothing has materialised beyond that. The feedback was that I've got good interview technique but lacked the experience and possibly not qualified enough, which inevitably means I need to retrain and gain new qualifications in something, anything that will help me land a decent job. So the idea of re-training is something I keep going over and over in my mind but I have no idea what I'd do and I guess the factor that stops me from just going for something is the fact that I'd be going into something that I'm not even sure I really want to do! Does that make sense? So committing to say even a year long course in an area that I'm only remotely interested is a risk but I suppose doing nothing is even worse, I understand that. I've lost count of people who keep asking me "what do you want?" If I knew what I wanted, I would have gone after it long ago and I would not be in this position! This is not a case of just sitting around and being lazy but rather a constant lack of uncertainty and stuckness. If I wanted to become an engineer then I would have followed that career path. If I wanted to get into business, banking, finance then I would have made steps to move in that direction. I do have ambition, I do believe I am fairly bright and hard-working and in the years that have come and gone, I've just constantly battled this dilemma of making a decision. This has been my thinking process/dilemma/problem for years now. It's this rut/cycle that I can't seem to get out of. I thought this way when I was 26 and now 8 years later I'm thinking the same thing! I feel this constant internal pressure which manifests itself I suppose in this anxiety and it's very crippling and I feel stuck. What makes this all worse is when I see my peers and others my age moving on, settling into careers, getting married/family and I'm still stuck in the same place I've always been. I know it's not a race or a competition and that comparing ourselves only makes us feeling worse but no-one wants to be the guy that gets picked last for the team. I guess that's how I feel. Life is slipping by and I haven't done enough with the time I've been given. I know it's never too late and I'm just desperate to break out of this cycle. The only thing I'm pleased with is the travelling I've done. I've visited over 40 countries in the world and I have enjoyed that but I have felt for the last few years it is time to settle down, find bearable employment, a home, a partner and finally move on and have some stability. Emotionally I am ready for this. Yet however hard I have tried to change, I can't seem to get to this stage. Maybe one day I'll have that breakthrough moment but maybe not. I've tried meditation, medication (and I'm on a new one now), seen so many counsellors/therapists, dabbled in different ideas from trading to helping others but nothing seems to have clicked. Sometimes I do think not waking up to face another day of the same torment would be the best option, as it would be a solution, a final solution, but I don't think I can bring myself to that, not yet anyway. However on the flip side that feels like a better option than living the rest of my life in this eternal stuckness.
  3. Hi Debbers, Thanks again for replying and encouragement. How are you? I guess I'm at a difficult place. I hear what you're saying and I'm inclined to agree. Right now, I find myself feeling so stuck as I always have been. Physically I feel fine and I'm grateful that I've been in good physical health. It's more to do with the emotional battle. I have nothing to live for, no purpose, no meaning. Every morning I just wake up and have the same routine of doing some job search and then feeling this intense, heavy feeling overwhelm me to the point. I think it's just the disappointment and sadness of things not having worked out for me. Does that sound familiar? Would you say that's a long standing depression, like a dsthymia? This has been the story of my life. I have always been this way, since like, I was 13/14 perhaps. Just an inability to move forward and feel positive, have goals and direction.
  4. Has anyone travelled on their birthday, solo? As in spent their birthday in a foreign country on their own just as a change? I'm thinking of doing that, as I tend to spend it abroad anyway but usually with a friend or two but on this occasion no-one's free so I'm thinking of going on my own! Good idea? Has anyone done this, how was it?
  5. Thanks, the link didn't work for me so I just googled it and did one version online and got 44 which indicates little to no depression. I don't know.
  6. Thanks for the responses and thoughts. I agree the "snap out of it" comment is generally not helpful and rather insensitive however as lonelyf says at times it can be effective depending on timing and delivery and I guess context too. However, as self pity is slightly different as you've outlined, would you say it's appropriate then to tell those who are suffering from self pity to "snap out of it"? If it is simply a case of these individuals ignoring all the positive aspects of their life and deliberately focusing on the negatives and how hard life has been. I have been thinking about this myself recently because I am now confused as to whether I have depression/anxiety or if self pity is what has stalled my life and made me feel stuck and unable to move on. I do have a tendency to ruminate and dwell on the past and feel somewhat angry and annoyed that life has sucked for me from my abusive relationships to jobs that haven't worked out. I've tried years of counselling and different medications and none of this has really worked in changing my situation. I am just as stuck now as I was when I was 10 years ago which is why I'm thinking self pity might be the cause. As Teddy says with depression you are unable to have sympathy for yourself because you hate yourself. I don't hate myself, I hate my circumstances. Infact I feel I deserve so much more because I know I'm a decent human being who's just been unlucky in life. Then again, I do keep trying to change my situation. I'm not sitting at home brooding and moping, I am actively trying to change things but it's as if there's this barrier and anxiety that prevents me from moving forward as I keep looking back on my life and thinking about the past and being annoyed about not being in a career or being married by now etc. I don't know it's hard to describe. I don't know if you can relate...?
  7. What would you say is the difference between depression and self pity? Is there a link and is it fair to say to those are dealing with self pity to simply snap out of it?
  8. Thank you both for your very thoughtful replies on my story. I appreciate it. You are right Debbers, I do need to focus more on what I have achieved and what I already have in my life. I suppose it's difficult because the depression clouds everything, as I'm sure you know. I suppose one of main concerns in relation to this uncertainty about not being sure what to do with my life, is that because I have no career, no real vision at the moment, it is ruining my chances with women. I'm tall, decent looking and personality, rarely drink, well travelled, culturally aware etc. and I believe I genuinely feel I have things to offer a good woman. However the problem is at almost 34 I haven't really had a career and finding work at the moment is not easy due to the lack of jobs in my field. This means possibly starting over and doing something new, which is fine if I knew what I wanted to do. I am trying and I believe deep down I am driven, hard-working and ambitious but external circumstances (the depression/lack of opportunities) have prevented me from becoming the man I could have been by now. As Epictetus says maybe one day in the future things could change and I might have that long awaited breakthrough to greatness. I just don't know but what you said certainly made sense. I'm very anxious and I'm panicking because who out there is going to want to be with a guy like me, despite all the other positive things I do have going for me? They seem to be going to waste. Maybe there are women out there who just want to be treated well and are looking for a trust worthy and kind man and aren't too bothered about his income or potential to provide. However, I keep thinking about how security is important for women despite a society that says otherwise. Women are still attracted by the ability of a man to provide for them and her children. Women want security right?
  9. Not sure where to start with this and obviously I don't want to go into a life story. However it is always difficult detailing ones circumstances without necessary information.Last month I returned after a few months in S America. Before I left I was in a contracted role in the civil service which I didn't mind doing and would have carried on there, however I didn't get the permanent job when it was offered. I had 4 other interviews for other roles but was not successful despite coming very close to getting one of them. I was torn about whether to travel or carry on looking for work but in the end I went for this trip. It was good trip, no regrets on that aspect.Now I've been back for more than a month and it's been a very difficult time. I feel very anxious, low motivation, self pity and generally extremely disappointed with myself and my life. I have been here before though, story of my life.I'll be in my mid thirties in a few weeks time and the very thought of it is making me very anxious and in a panic. This is because I'm feeling completely lost and so far behind in life. I have no partner, no career and no job for now, no home (I live with family at the moment). I have nothing going for me. I am trying not to feel like a failure but it is how I feel. I never thought that I would reach this stage of my life and have very little to show for it. I do want to settle down, meet someone, have a family etc. but these things you cannot control of course. I have tried and keep trying but I think it's more to do with not really having that focus on what I actually want. I've thought about seeing a career coach but with the fees that they charge it's probably unrealistic at the moment.For most of my life I have had no clue as to what to do with myself. I've struggled with depression etc so that hasn't helped. I enjoy travelling, sport, aviation, movies etc. but so do alot of people. As I said I was comfortable in working in the large government depts. where I've been before as I didn't mind the environment and lack of corporate culture. I would love to live and work abroad as I've been settled in the UK for too long now. Problem is I'm not an engineer or doctor where I can just take my skills anywhere. I would settle for an ok job in a place like this, someone to come home to and a modest place to live. That's not much to ask for yet I've never even come close to getting there. I have been stuck in this same place for so many years.I know I'm not exactly old to start over but I feel so far behind other people my age who are already settled into careers. What are my options at this stage? I worry too about meeting a woman who will accept my situation and circumstances. Being bald doesn't help either.
  10. Sorry to hear you're not doing well at all. Sounds like depression has been taking over your life from time to time, bit like myself. How old are you? And what are you studying?
  11. Thank for your response. Yes I understand what you're saying and I agree. There's alot more that can be said about this but like you say children need to feel valued, accepted, loved, secure etc. ALL those things I never felt or had growing up, I had very much the opposite. I know alot of other people can say the same. However, even so it's about getting on with life despite these things, correct? I don't want to keep blaming the past and what's gone on before as an excuse/reason to stop living and moving on with my life. But it's just very difficult maybe for someone like myself in these circumstances. In a funny kind of way I guess I feel special, unique, like I'm different to other people in this world. Maybe as you say bullying and abuse can leave wounds that cause suffering for a long time through to adulthood and beyond. But I can't change the past or what happened. I need to move on from where I am now but I just can't seem to be able to do that. I'm working with a therapist now but I have seen so many over the years, I'm just fed up of constantly trying to be honest. I need a breakthrough of some kind.
  12. I'm 29 and my life has amounted to nothing. Although I am a Christian and I have a relationship with God, most of the time it has not felt like it. I have never had any idea of God's plan for my life or made many goals for my future. Infact the only goal I've ever had was to get married before I was 30 and have some sense of direction and purpose in life. I have none of these things and I guess it has just left me feeling fed up and dead inside. I could really get into my life story but I'm sure you'd rather I didn't...but to be brief I haven't had the best childhood, felt very isolated, was bullied etc. but even so I always knew there were people far worse than myself. But right now at almost 30, I still live at home with my parents, still no idea of what job I would like to do, have no motivation or desire or purpose to work anyway. I have travelled in the past and enjoyed that and if I had more money I would definitely do more of that. I have friends and I've had relationships with women but I'm still not married. Although I've been sexually active, I'm technically still a virgin because I wanted to save intercourse for marriage with my future wife. And I'm finding that whole process incredibly difficult to deal with now as I see more and more friends getting engaged and married. I'm starting to lose faith that God has a plan for my life. I know it's ultimately down to me to make decisions and plans to orchestrate a future but therein lies the problem. I pray about it that God would maybe reveal to me what it is he wants me to do, but nothing is ever revealed to me nor do I discover anything new when I search my heart or explore different avenues. Maybe it's just about making a decision and sticking with it but that is something I've never managed to do either. I think being a Christian also inevitably makes you aware that this earthly life really does not matter in the perspective of eternity. So does it really matter if you don't become CEO or managing executive or the lawyer or the top banker in the city? etc etc. In other words I think what I'm saying is that I don't see much purpose or meaning to this life! Being in work or working for someone/something and so on means that you will be contributing positively to society, I'm not sure if I really want to contribute to this society and the world! I know this sounds selfish but I think your own person problems and issues and personal life in general are far more important than achieving great things in a career. I've come to the point where I'm not that bothered about achievements or accolades in a work sense. I think it's always been more important getting to know yourself better rather than getting ahead in a particular career. Afterall, your job/career is not your identity.. We're not here for long in this life, so might as well just enjoy doing the things that make you happy. Which for me, definitely DOES NOT involve sitting behind a desk and computer in a some depressing office. But then there are those who will say, well that's life and sadly most people will have to endure that because that's how things are. You see, I think what is significant of course is that I don't have responsibilities or bills to pay or a family to support as I still live with mine! I know, so I've never been forced to work because I HAVE to, so my motivation isn't the best. I'm sure I'm coming across as self pitying, spoilt person and that's probably true to some extent. But then I wonder how much is due to mental illness. I have been diagnosed with depression in the past and I have taken so many anti-depressants now, I've lost count. None of them have ever worked for me and I have always felt the same, hopeless and fed up with life. I have seen many counsellors, therapists over the years as well and infact am seeing someone now. Again, that has not brought about change. I know you're going to say it's up to me to change...but I just feel so....stuck all the time, it's like I do want things to change but I just can't seem to "unstick" myself. It's hard for me to have summed all this up and obviously there's alot going on here and no easy answers but I'm sure there are others out there who feel the same way.
  • Create New...