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Inside Outed

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Everything posted by Inside Outed

  1. Some people are just unsocial or introverted and that's ok. I have gone through phases of being very social and engaging and then I would much rather be alone and not communicate with any body unless necessary. Solitude can be very beneficial.
  2. If you can't ignore their ignorance perhaps try saying something like "thanks for your suggestion. It's just too difficult for me to do that due to my personal circumstances." If they don't understand then that's their problem ;-)
  3. Sorry you are feeling lonely and this makes you sad and angry. Are there any meet up groups you can join in the meantime before you move towns?
  4. I came across this thread on a Google search not even realising I created it, a year and a half ago, until I read my post and saw my username. Sorry to say I'm feeling this way again. I was doing a bit better for a while but am now probably worse than ever. I just can't seem to find the will to keep going. I feel responsible for the pain I'm causing those who care about me and it's so sad for them. Thank you for the kind intention of those who give support and encouragement. I know many of you have similar struggles. I've isolated myself from family and friends because I see how upset my misery makes them. I'm tired of struggling and witnessing others struggle with this existence. I feel like I could do anything I want but the sad truth is that I don't want to do anything. I've tried a bunch of meds, therapists, doctors, spiritual stuff and more and I just keep coming back to the same conclusion. Life is suffering and I don't want to be part of it. Even if we are just meant to be here so as to share this suffering with others. Is that only because some of us are so scared of death or being alone? Even sharing these honest thoughts here makes me feel miserable knowing it may trigger someone else reading it or cause others pain. Sorry if this is true for you. I just don't know what else to do. I'm not going to **** myself. I just don't want to live and don't know how to make things better.
  5. Thanks for your responses and support. It means a lot. I would drink in different situations for different reasons. E.g. to unwind and relax after a stressful day at work (which quickly turned into a daily habit, even when finishing night shift at 6am. Then it would be about getting in the mood to socialize because alcohol was like a magic spell whereby i became interested in everyone I interacted with and they appeared to enjoy interacting with me too. This was particularly helpful at unavoidable family gatherings, having to embrace with smelly oldies and lie to them about how everything is going so wonderfully. Intimacy... Well I'll start by saying some of the best physical interactions I've had have come about due to alcohol. There's just something about the stuff that gets me super flirty and horny. Then there were the times when I just couldn't be bothered dealing with everyday household chores. But a couple of drinks magically motivated me to get it done with ease and without complaint. Since I haven't been drinking I'm just one big blob of unmotivated waste of space with no desire to do anything...
  6. Thanks James. I've suffered depression on and off for a few years. These last few months have been the worst but I've been trying hard to get better... Meds,therapists, sobriety, groups and educating myself about depression. It's like my soul has left my body and now I'm just existing, taking from society and giving only burden of worry, frustration to my family.
  7. Hi. Thanks for your response. I've been away from the forum for a bit and was glad to see your story. I've had no problems switching from cymbalta to Prozac. I'm on 40mg now and although feeling a little better some days still feel like there's a way to go. I've joined a 10 week group therapy that is held one full day per week which has been helpful. How's your situation going? Are you still off alcohol? I just posted in another thread how I'm struggling after just 90 days of sobriety.
  8. I feel like I'm making those who love me more sad from me being depressed than if I wasn't alive. At least they could begin to move forward with their lives instead of constantly worrying about me. How long do we all have to suffer this way for? My mom is worried about me taking my own life so in an attempt to reassure her, I explained that as long as my immediate family was alive then so will I as I wouldn't want to be so selfish as to burden them with that. However I further explained that if they weren't alive I would see no point in being here either. I asked her to think about if she would still want to live if everyone she loved died. She cried and hesitated in answering because I think she was trying to say what she thought was the "right" thing to say to help me so she said yes she would still want to be alive. I really don't believe her though because our small family means the world to her. She is always doing everything for us. I wish I had just half of the enthusiasm for life that she does. I wish it easy to change. I feel like I'm working on it but it just seems like it getting worse and like I'm becoming more of a burden on my family... And the rest of society simply by continuing to exist
  9. I stopped drinking completely because I started accidentally injuring myself and betraying my loved ones. But 90 days of sobriety has me feeling more depressed and bored than ever. My husband left me 9 months ago because of my drinking and we began reconciling 6 months ago. I've mainly given up drinking to stop from losing him but it feels like it's too late and that he doesn't really want to be with me now that I'm sober anyway. In these past three months I've never been so bored and depressed. I'm getting all the help I can...drs, meds,therapy...but nothing has really helped me feel any better. I'm very apathetic and anhedonic. I have no interest in doing anything, which is then main reason I drank. It gave me such a buzz. It changed me in to a fun, energetic, motivated, happy person. Yes, I made mistakes due to alcohol but if being sober is going to be like this forever then it seems like life isn't worth living. Alcohol gives me that spark that I just can't seem to find any other way...and I've tried...oh how I've tried. In all kinds of ways...hobbies, food, AA, helping others, etc. But I still keep feeling flat. It's amazing how a couple glasses of alcohol can boost me like nothing else. Most of my friends drink and most of the good times we had involved alcohol. Some of them don't think I even have a problem and encourage me to keep drinking. I can't be bothered socializing when I'm not drinking because I'm just so bored, boring and not interested in others. I get drained from pretending to be having fun and acting like I care what people are talking about. I just feel like being alone in bed. But all it takes is a couple drinks and it's like a switch has been flipped. I'll happily socialize, dance, laugh. Anyone else felt this way? Anyone found a way to get that same buzz another way?
  10. Thanks for sharing your story and the link. Very good :)
  11. Anhedonia has been my major depressive symptom for the past couple of months. I haven't been able to go to work because of it and added stress due to family and other matters of late have made things worse. Was only on Cymbalta for 5 weeks and although it did assist with stopping me from crying all the time and taking away any niggling pain I'd had in my body, the pdoc considered my side effects weren't tolerable so he's has changed me to Prozac. He said as I wasn't on the Cymbalta for very long I shouldn't experience any bad withdrawal effects. So after 2 days on Prozac, it's seems to be going ok. Just noticing my reactions are a bit slower than usual, I've been a bit unsteady and the little niggly pains throughout my body are starting to come back. Which just shows how powerful Cymbalta can be at covering up those kinds of things. I wonder how good that really is. As our bodies are designed to tell us when something is wrong through pain, but if we're not feeling those tell tale pains that would normally result in us seeking investigations in to what the cause may be, perhaps that could be dangerous and result in serious medical problems going unnoticed/undiagnosed. I know there's heaps of other threads already on here about this same process but I just thought I'd start my own as a way to record my journey through it. Feel free to add in any comments, suggestions, experiences, etc :)
  12. Playing mind game apps with my son on our tablets. It's something fun I've just discovered we can do together peacefully.
  13. I pretty much feel the same. It's horrible. I'm trying to find a way out of it with CBT and therapy but its not helping much. I wish you luck.
  14. Perhaps try writing a list of things you want/need to do and set a goal to achieve at least one or however many you realistically think you can.
  15. Sorry you're feeling this way. Many of us don't see the point in doing anything. I know it's hard. I don't have any answers other than to share those mighty wise words "this too shall pass..." Please stay with us and continue sharing with us.
  16. Just thought I'd share this recent discovery I made about free psychology sessions at a local university. (I don't have any affiliation with the school) It's not income assessed or anything like that and it's probably the best psychological treatment I've received. The sessions are held by postgraduate students (Provisional Psychologists) in their 5th year of professional training, and are supervised by highly qualified and experienced Clinical Psychologists. I've been going twice a week and believe I'm making progress. I get this sense that the provisional psychologist genuinely wants to help me more than the others I have paid to see. She has asked me to do a bunch of short tests to measure different aspects of my issues and she's been working hard on researching different options for me. I figure because she's not doing it for the money, she may be more inclined to help me get better rather than dragging out the sessions. Also, because she's studying, she's likely to be up on all the latest research and is working in her own time outside of our sessions to find ways to assist me. There's also the assurance that all her work is being supervised by experienced psychologists. Anyway, I'm not sure if this type of service is available at most unis/colleges but it may be worth looking in to if you have difficulties covering costs of therapy. I'm glad I found it and hope by sharing this it may help someone else.
  17. Lack of interest or enthusiasm in almost everything. This gets to me the most when it affects my family, especially my son who craves o much more from me.
  18. This forum is a great support for us online. I've been thinking about how it may be beneficial to be involved in an actual physical type of group one too, where we meet up with one another and discuss as much (or as little) as we want and provide support for each other in real life. Just wondering what peoples experiences are with any relevant support groups that may have/had involvement with. I've tried finding one in my local area but the closest is in the nearest capital city. I'm not sure if there are any rules involved with starting up a group. Anyone know? Ideas?
  19. I feel this way too, although I remember when I wasn't depressed, I worked on building an interest in other people because I read this was the best way to build friendships. When I'm depressed though, I don't want to interact with anyone, except my partner as he is the only person I feel comfortable truly being myself around. I remember as a child though, never knowing to compliment my friends at school or ask them about themselves, even though they did that to me. It was only when I grew up and started understanding more about human interaction and social behaviors that I realized this was a normal way to relate to people and help people feel good. What does that say about us? Can we be born this way of being socially anhedonic?
  20. Yep, but everyone keeps saying, just remember "this too shall pass"... yeah...ok, when? And what can I do to speed it up? I don't seem to have any interest in anything either, but then I recognize that the fact we are even on the internet shows we must have a bit of interest in that (even if it doesn't seem like much). Cyberpunk, what did your mother say when you told her about putting you away? My family is the only thing that keeps me living, because I've seen how painful losing loved ones is for people, and I don't want to be the cause of that kind of suffering for my family. I don't like the pain my depression causes me or my family either, and I'm doing what I can (meds, therapy, etc) to get out of it, but that doesn't seem like enough, and I can't be bothered doing anything else for now. Just hoping the meds kick in and do their thing eventually. My friend who's been in and out of depression tells me that I'm thinking this way now because of the depression and that it will get better. And I believe her because I know I haven't always felt this way. It's just so frustrating feeling stuck in this tunnel, without any sight of the light.
  21. Do you ever feel this way? Like sometimes getting out of depression can be about how long you can actually handle being in it for? I know none of us want to be depressed, but from my experience being depressed is easier than trying to get out of it. I don't want to put in effort to set goals and challenge myself. I don't enjoy wallowing in my own misery either but for now it's the easier and less stressful choice. I've pushed myself to seek help and am taking meds, given up alcohol and am participating in therapy, but that's it. I realize those are helpful steps to recovery but sometimes I feel as though this depression is something of a waiting game. How long the game goes for is a matter of how long it takes until I get sick and tired of playing it. There's heaps more going on in my head about this but I simply can't be bothered to write it. Am curious as to your thoughts.
  22. Can you make it to a dr? I know it's hard to even get motivated enough to call but it sounds like you may be starting to feel worse, and chances are medical help will help you start to feel better.
  23. Hi. Sorry you're going through a hard time. If your friend doesn't appreciate your help unfortunately there isn't much you can do to change that. It sounds like you did the right thing to try to save your friends life but maybe she's not in a place where she can understand that. It can be difficult being alone but try to stay strong and do things to help your confidence.
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