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QulaiThere

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  1. QulaiThere

    Maybe

    I get facebook requests from time to time from people with the same last name as me. That name is my father’s name, so I know it’s his side of the family. It happened again a few months ago and I just denied the request as usual. My parents separated when I was about 7 or 8 years old. And then, officially divorced when I was about 12 or 13, I think. We were never told anything much, so I’m not sure now that I think about it. For a while after they separated, he would still visit us sometimes. He lived far away and so I understood he couldn’t come visit too often because of work. But then one day, he just didn’t show up despite the promise that he would. My sister and I were disappointed, but we tried not to be too upset. He showed up again the next time, but unfortunately, not the next time following that. Eventually, the times he didn’t show up became more frequent than the ones where he did. My younger sister loved him. She worshipped him like a hero—even when he was a no-show. I used to be the same until I watched her Saturday after Saturday dressed and ready to go, staring out the window unmoving, waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Until hours had passed and she finally gave up. It made me very angry and bitter knowing that she was being hurt. We even had an argument once about it as children. I wasn’t too nice and implied that she was wasting her time. At the time, I might have been angrier at her because she just didn’t understand that our father had chosen other things over us. At one point I even found out that he had other kids. I’m not sure if he ever remarried. But that was that. One day he just stopped showing up. Even calling him was pointless because he was more likely not to answer. And my sister finally gave up. To this day, she’s bitter and angry about it all. My mother once said to me, “Why can’t she be more like you! You’re not having problems today about your absent father.” It made me really angry because while some part of me may think that my sister is foolish for harboring such feelings for so long, I don’t truly think she’s wrong to have them. Her thoughts and emotions are hers, and therefore valid. I replied to my mother, “Her and I are two different people and we handle things differently. You may not think my way of handling things is much better if you actually knew anything about me. I hate people. If you betray or hurt me in any way, you are trash and, therefore, nothing to me. I don’t care what happens to you after that.” She was stunned into silence because she’s the complete opposite. Even if somebody wrongs her, “She’s family. You have to love each other no matter what.” ...Right. And that brings us back to facebook. A few weeks ago, it turns out that the person I denied tried to send me a message through a roundabout way. And I hadn’t seen it. Well, I did a few days ago. It was a message telling me to contact my father and it left his number. I was annoyed at first (something similar had happened to my sister a year or 2 ago). Then, I felt kind of bad. I started thinking about why this person needed to go to such lengths to contact someone that he essentially abandoned. And in recent years, having my mom basically tell me that I shouldn’t/can’t talk to him, made me want to dial that number. I’ve always resented that she presumes to have that kind of power over me and I’m just curious to be honest. But, at the same time, terribly frightened. My imagination has been going wild over it. I think he’s kind of old. (That’s right. I don’t know his age.) So maybe it’s about giving me money or him needing money…or forgiveness. (I actually laughed.) I’ve always been a very timid and nervous person, but as I’ve gotten older, something darker and colder has grown along with me. So, I can’t even imagine how I would handle such a situation. Maybe I shouldn’t call at all. I’m sure I’ll forget about that message in a few weeks or so. It’s easier that way. That’s what I had decided until I talked to my mother an hour ago and she told me how much she loved me (like always) before we ended the call. And, like always, I didn’t say it back. I can’t forgive her for what she’s done throughout my life. But today I got a little emotional afterward. Maybe I shouldn’t shut people out. Maybe I’ve given up too easily. Maybe I should call. Maybe.
  2. QulaiThere

    Liar Liar

    Thank you, Orso. Your comment helped me calm down. I probably made the situation worse than it was in my head. She just said "okay" when I told her I couldn't go. But it still felt weird. Apparantly, her group really wanted to meet me and even asked about me later on the phone. She had even told me that there were bad sects of the group in the past, but she belongs to the good one. But from what I found, it's still the same. Just different tactics. Hopefully, she'll be alright since I don't have the courage to tell her anything right now. Maybe I will one day. Thank you, again.
  3. Lying is not my strong suit. Oh, I'm good at it. I can probably make anyone believe in anything I want them to....probably. But that's not necessarily a good thing. It makes me feel physically ill when I do lie. I lied once in middle school to my aunt (because she's scary and I was afraid of her), and it wasn't until college that I started letting go of the bad feeling I had because of it. Part of me feels like I'll be punished for it--even though I'm not really religious. Which brings us to the problem. I'm staying with a friend I haven't seen in a little over a year. A lot has changed. She is part of this religious group that she talks about very passionately. She was never religious to my knowledge, but something happened that led her to believe in this group’s teachings. She invited me to go visit them today. I don't think I ever actually said yes, but she had arranged it and everything and I couldn't say no. Well, I was supposed to go today. But, I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to look this group up. It has a bad history. It seems to be more of a cult than anything else. I did have my misgivings, but I didn't think it would be so bad. So I got frightened and didn't want to go. I told her a lie to get out of it. I feel sick to my stomach for it. But I really didn't want to go to a cult, and possibly pay money or have her pay money on my behalf (because apparently you have to pay for certain things). I feel horrible for letting things get that far and bailing out. I'm such a coward. I should have said something from the beginning, not the morning before we were to go. But the idea of going was freaking me out too badly. I can barely enter a church without having a panic attack (stemming from the fear of being struck down there and then by God for being a bad person). How can I go to a religious group that is essentially a cult?? They pray for healing, which they do with their hand pointed at the person needing to be healed—(like some kind of wizard). She has a daughter that hates it, but she makes the daughter sit through it anyway. It's sad. I'm so conflicted. I was crying earlier. I've been up since 4am this morning mulling over everything. It sucks. But I DON'T want to go. I HATE the idea of it all. I'm a liar, but oh well. I'd probably feel worse if I had gone. I think... I hope.
  4. So I had a friend over my apartment last night. She had asked if she could come over and hang out. I was really awkward and told her there was nothing to do here. I've never really had anyone over for more than a few minutes that wasn't a repairman. I hate the idea of having someone over. I actually started panicking about it. I was trying to come up with any and every excuse to get out of seeing her today. I even looked for answers online. But then I fell asleep at one point and I think I had a dream of her coming over. And in the dream, it was fine and nothing bad happened. I also remembered how in college, I always had people in my dorm and how that was fine. So I woke up feeling like, "Hey, why doesn't she just come over?" Then a little while later, my anxiety caught up with me and we ended up making plans to go out instead. I just couldn't let her come over. lol. But it was a busy night and there was a long wait at the restaurant we wanted to go to. And so I just told her to come over in the end. I was so anxious!!!!!! I kept on apologizing for everything in my apartment while she was complementing everything. I was so embarrassed. But we ended up talking until 2:30AM. It was fun! I don’t think I would mind having her over again…..I think. We have a lot in common. Maybe next time it will be easier. And I can clean more since I definitely didn't do enough this time. That was a huge part of my anxiety, too--the messiness. Even though she kept commenting on how neat things were. (I may have been thinking too hard about things.) At least it’s done and I had fun. It feels like I’ve grown up a bit in some way. haha.
  5. I've had my ups and downs recently. Sometimes, too far down. So far that I think, "What's the point?" So far that even the idea of the human race has sent me into a panic. People are just that terrifying to me. I look at people and all I see is monsters. Horrible, horrible monsters. I had been doing better recently. Going out more, doing random things just because I want to go out. There are days where I'm just itching to leave my apartment, days where I can't sit still because there is so much I want to do. It's an interesting feeling because on those days, I'm more clear-headed and I can sit and evaluate those terrifying feelings that threaten to consume me when I'm down. I can look at people and see the good in them along with the bad. I can laugh and have fun. But a reoccurring theme in my life has been my dysfunctional family. Dysfunctional isn't even adequate to describe it frankly. Earlier, my mother was complaining how her second husband's kids are free-loaders. I think she's crazy. They are all still in school as far as I know. The problem is their father. He doesn't work. But she berates the kids about high bills. She hates them. And I tell her to just kick him and his kids out if it's such a problem. But she won't. Just complains and says they have to leave on their own because you can't just kick someone out. But that doesn’t stop her from being horrible to the kids, screaming and cursing at them. I can't believe I'm related to someone so stupid. I was having a really good day, too. No work, so I was just lazing about talking with friends on the phone, seeing if we could make plans to go out at some point. Then this happens. Back when I was still talking with someone about my problems, she hinted at distancing myself from my family. And the idea made me cringe, but I knew she was right. And somehow, somewhere the idea still makes me cringe. But the amount of energy that gets sucked up in dealing with them is ridiculous. I feel like I've run a marathon after talking to my mother for 40 minutes. It's disappointing. I told her that I might have to cut myself off from them forever at one point. She immediately responded with, "So you would k**l me, too?" She knows how upset I get dealing with her and the rest of my family, but the first thing she thinks of is how it would affect her if I did sever our ties. I've calmed down and I'm okay, though. I think part of the reason I use up so much energy when I get mad at my family is because I was never able to express myself as a child. The rule was to just shut up and do what you're told. Today was one of my clear-headed days, so things turned out better than they could have otherwise. I just wonder, though, if I will ever be able to set myself free from these horrible people.
  6. I've been fairly calm recently. My sleep has gotten better. There’s lots of drama at work--people crying, etc. But, I've been the level-headed one trying to support everyone. I have to remind myself to be careful and not overstretch myself helping with projects that have nothing to do with me, though. But part of me NEEDS to help, so I’ll try to keep things balanced. I drove 30min to a café yesterday. I have some food allergies and this place supposedly had a lot of things that were allergen free. I only expected a few things, but I almost lost it when I found out I could eat most of the food they sold! I bought a lot of food, including a croissant for the first time in a long time. I think I whimpered when I took the first bite. Hahaha. My friend just laughed. I actually hadn’t wanted to go. I felt stupid for agreeing to go. I’d even convinced myself that the friend was just using me to drive down there. Really sad considering she has NO allergies and definitely doesn’t need to go all the way out there. In fact, she found the place FOR ME. She’s been going around looking for allergen-free places for me these past few weeks. This is the 3rd and best place so far, and I thought that she was using me?? Today, I turned down 2 invites to go out. I was really tired from staying out late the night before and just didn’t want to go. Now, I’m thinking that I should have just gone. I get weary when people don’t invite me places, but then can’t stand to go out when they do ask me. I REALLY NEED to stop doing that. Getting ready and actually getting myself out the door is difficult, but I do usually have fun when I get there. I need to work on that. I’m making things worse for myself for no reason. But, yeah, things have been nicer. I still have some bread from that café, so I’d say that things are definitely more positive than negative right now. :D
  7. I’ve found myself in this kind of situation before. It’s hard to believe that it’s the depression, and not just people truly not liking you. And sometimes there are those around you that are jerks and make you feel bad. That’s not your fault. It’s theirs. If you do something nice and they don’t appreciate it, it’s their problem. Those people are missing out on a good, caring friend. I’ve had to move away from those kinds of relationships myself. And I’ve been able to find better, caring people for it. If those who are around you are too unwise to value your friendship, I do believe that there are others out there who will. And give that “little tiny voice” a mic. It knows what it’s saying. It’s the depression. You definitely count in this world. :)
  8. This is probably what has been the most difficult for me, too. I used to have so many dreams and ambitions. But then the depression hit and I couldn’t make myself do anything. Because of this, life feels aimless sometimes. But moments like this, when my depression isn’t so crippling, I can feel a little bit of the motivation that I used to have. Ultimately, that makes me feel like it’s worth not giving up on the idea of a better future. I don’t’ know what tomorrow may bring, but I hope that we can always remind ourselves that good things can happen, so let’s not give up.
  9. QulaiThere

    I Did It

    I'm thinking of finding a new job, too. Just THINKING about it makes me sick, but you actually applied! I think that's worth something. Even if it doesn't work out, maybe the next time you apply to a job, pressing "submit" won't be so difficult. I think that's a good first step. You've also reminded me that I have to take a first step, too--even though it makes me nauseous just thinking about it. :D
  10. My sister wants a car. She barely has any money. Most of her expenses are being paid by my mother. Apparently, she comes home drunk sometimes and wets herself because she's so out of it. Talking to my mother right now over the phone. I yelled at her because she wouldn't listen. The other night, she dreamed that my sister was out drinking somewhere about an hour away. And she's panicking about it. I asked her if she confronted my sister. My mother did, but my sister didn't say anything apparently. Wetting yourself in the house is bad. But I told my mother that just because she saw it in a dream, doesn't mean it's true. She wholly disagreed and told me it did. That, when she dreams things, they come true. Okay. ....Okay. I actually can understand that feeling a bit. But SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY?? I don't want to step on anyone's beliefs, but really?? My mother keeps complaining about my sister, and I told her to just kick my sister out if it's causing her so much problems. Then my mother gets upset and says, she would never do that. I told her to stop complaining then and do something about it. She said that it was in God's hands. .....okay. My mother has made some incredibly stupid decisions in life. INCREDIBLY stupid. Personally, I question her intelligence all the time. I don't want to, but the things that she's done are just so flawed. Believing in God or anything isn't the problem. God has nothing to do with crazy mess that I grew up in because of her. It all just makes me angry....and disappointed. I can’t trust her to take care of herself. These people make me so frustrated. I've been sick, gained weight, but I've been handling work better. But, then this stupid conversation happens. I need to calm down and move on.
  11. I feel as if my life is at a stand still, as if I'm stuck and can go no further. I hardly ever use social media, but I went on one today and found updates from people I don't even talk to anymore. It made that feeling of standing still even more pronounced. People graduating from grad school. And me thinking how that should be me (even though, I know I'm not quite ready). One childhood friend and a picture with her mother actually annoyed me. They looked too happy. hahaha. I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone in my family, so it annoyed me. She's also very pretty, has lot's of friends, and a supporting family. It sucks feeling like I'm walking alone at every step in life. Yesterday, I went to a co-worker's house for a small party. A few other co-workers were there and they just kept going on and on about how smart I was. I just laughed awkwardly. Maybe I would have been happy about that some time ago, but not now. It just made me wonder what the heck I was doing with my life. I'm starting to hate my job, because the management is awful. They are getting meaner every year for no reason. I think about 7 people quit throughout last year. And it's not even the workload, it's the way the upper level people go out of their way to make eveyone below them miserable. My boss is annoying. Pretty sure I'm on his bad side now because I declined to do some extra work because I'm already doing extra work that I don't even want to do. I feel stuck because I need to save up more money before I can leave. I still have school loans to pay off, which always reminds me of the debt my sister has racked up in school. She quit school, but I don't think she ever gave the school any notice. Just packed up and left. *****. Selfish *****. She moved back home and won't talk to my mother despite my mother being the one to pay all the bills. She got a job recently, and it seems all she does is go out with friends. I heard my mother's losing sleep over this because sometimes she doesn't come back. It's ridiculous. Sometimes I wish I could forget any of them even exist. I have absolutely NOTHING going for me in life and I'm stuck with this ball and chain called a "family." Why is everyone else's life so much better? A childhood friend of mine just became a doctor. We used to be friendly rivals. He always used to call me a genius. But I always knew the truth: no matter how smart I was, he was surrounded by competant and caring people in his home. People who could help him with his homework or give him advice when he needed it. He wasn't worried about having a place to live while busy with school work. He was always smiling. Doesn't matter if he was as dumb as a box of rocks, he would have always had a better life than me. I think I've also lost too much ambition. Success seems impossible. I used to joke around and talk about finding a rich husband. At this point, it is definitely not a joke. It would be nice not to worry about money anymore. I'm not even that complicated. I don't need expensive things. haha. But I'm not pretty, so that's out. I just wish god had given me something. Good mental health, good physical health, good looks, or a good family, etc. Just one. Having above average intelligence isn't enough. It just makes you more miserable because you become really good at dissecting the issues that plague your life.
  12. A friend and I are having a war of sorts. We're playing pranks on each other. Nothing too serious, but I almost passed out laughing so much from seeing her freak out so badly today. I was on the floor laughing trying to answer her message threatening to get me back. It was pretty great. I don't usually do things like that, but it just started one day. I guess I'm usually too serious to do these kinds of things. (I am a little afraid of getting in trouble with the neighbors, though, for being too loud) But it's fun. I just forget myself for a bit when I decide to do a prank. I caught her in the middle of a prank yesterday. She scared herself more than she could me. And after getting her (and her bf) today, she's really serious about getting me back. So it's fun anticipating what's next. Though, anytime she sends me a message or I'm walking to my door, I get really paranoid. hahaha. So stupid. I'm having fun, though. :)
  13. QulaiThere

    Friends

    Thank you for your comment. I hope I can start making new friends at some point. I guess I should be patient. And I can only hope you are correct about my sister's behavior. I've been trying not to think about it too much for my own sake. Thank you, again.
  14. QulaiThere

    Flaws

    I'm sitting here by myself, dreading going back to work on Monday. On one hand, I'm looking forward to it because I need something to DO. On the other, the stress is too much sometimes, and I don't want to be a part of it. But that's really only taking up of maybe 10% of my thoughts right now. Lately, I can't help but think about how I look--basically, how flawed I am. Those thoughts are taking up at least 60% of my mind. Inside and out, it's all pretty bad. I've always tried not to focus too much on my physical appearance, though. I don't think I've ever even talked about it before. I never wanted to be whiny and "oh, I'm so ugly" about things. But it's true. And it's interesting what I've realized. For example, I have a "friend" who is fairly pretty. She gets plenty of attention from guys. But she has a bad side to her. She can be bossy, mean, and unforgiving sometimes. I remember one of her exes practically begging me for advice on how to handle her before breaking up not too long after. And, we were out a while ago and apparantly something happened between her and one of the guys--even though she was drunk and being obscene. I feet bad because I'm not sure if he realizes that she's not serious about him. Most of the problems guys have with her, they would never have with me. But it's not even an option because of the way look. There are a few things that I am planning on getting fixed in the future as soon as a have enough money. But even then, it probably won't do much. (laughing at myself) But it will make me feel a little better. Then again, should I even be looking for someone who is too shallow to see somehing in me as I am now? I actually have had women show interest in me. hahaha. It's messed up because I'm not actracted to women. Though, from time to time, I think I should at least try to be. I may never get any other offers. That's a sad thought. But even if I tried, that wouldn't be fair to her, since I wouldn't really be interested. I had a bad dream about going bald. It was pretty bad. Every time I touch my head now, the image comes back vividly. I have really bad scalp psoriosis, and I really had started getting a few bald spots last year. They're filling in now, but it's still a terryfying notion. No hair on top of having a horrid face. And yet, I'm still relatively stable right now. Restless, yes, but I don't feel like I'm going to have a breakdown or anything. I guess that's one good thing to be happy for.
  15. Ended up going on a short trip with a few friends. I had a good time. But it was difficult at times. Sometimes I felt left out, but most of the times it was okay. One thing that annoyed me was someone came up to me to talk. I immediately didn't trust him, but I was curious. My friends kept on encouraging me to talk to him. When he came over again, I talked and tried to be friendly. But then, he just kept on talking to my friend--even though my friend wasn't saying much. And once he found out that the friend had a boyfriend, he gave up and said bye. Later on, he tried to great me and I just ignored the a**h***. For a moment, I thought it was maybe a bit mean, but I couldn't really be bothered feeling that way, so I didn't. You come up and talk to me, complement me. Then, ignore me as soon as you get in reach of the person you really want. That's messed up. It just made me come to realize how impossible it will be for me to find someone. There's no way someone would say something nice to me if they didn't have ulterior motives. It's sad. I didn't even get that upset. I'm ugly, so it's unavoidable. And my friends started up the "what are you doing? why are you so mysterious" ridiculousness again. I'm not mysterious. I don't talk about my social life because I barely have one. They don't believe me of course. It's annoying because I REALLY don't have anything going on. It's embarassing. Apparantly, there are weird rumors going on about it. I almost wish they were true, then I could say I have friends. But I'm getting over it. This trip made me realize how...difficult it could be to be around people for too long (thpugh part of that was because I was left out a bit). So, to an extent, having few friends is probably better for me. I've been trying to take better care of myself. Or do fun things for myself. I bought a few CDs that I wanted, ate too much ice cream, and bought a bunch of random snacks on my trip. It feels weird to spend money on myself.
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