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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. Dude, focus on your Europe trip! I would be planning my itinerary any spare time I had. How exciting for you! I know the old virgin thing is not the greatest "milestone" to reach, but I have survived it and you will too. You do have a lot going for you and I think the best thing you can focus on for self-improvement is being gentle with yourself. It is something I struggle with every day. I went out with my best friend, her boyfriend and his coworkers (all male) this Saturday. I might as well have been a hot turd in the sun, the way one of them was treating me, and it's not like the others were overly friendly. I wasn't being flirty or anything either. I was sure I would hate myself the next morning. I was pretty annoyed too because the one guy that was rude smelled really bad and I had actually gone out of my way to be friendly to him because of it. Anyways, next day I felt fine. I tried being friendly, it didn't work. I'll try again with new people. We just have to keep trying.
  2. It sounds like you are ready to move! I don't understand things like strip clubs or why you would want to go to a dungeon with a group of people. That's an extreme side of sex and someone trying to bully you into an uncomfortable sexual situation sounds like a predator. Your family that makes those weird comments about virginity, did you all grow up in the US? Like I think you're right about the chess thing. I can only name Bobby Fischer and his strange life. But again, eccentric isn't a turn-off automatically. I really do not go up to talk people regularly - it was only because he completed a 5x5 rubiks cube. You are less timid then me - you've lived in other countries, you attend meetups, you put yourself out there. Those are things that seem very difficult to me. I'm Catholic, so the opposite side of it is that I was already supposed to not be a virgin because I should be married with kids by now or at least be a nun. You are right, so many of us introverts are hiding. It is hard to put yourself out there, so it's very commendable that you do that. I know I have extreme reactions to negative social events; I wish I could just let them roll off my back. Why do I need everyone's acceptance? A lot of times I will listen in on the conversations of people who seem to have it all together and it's about as interesting as wet cement. Give me weirdos and outcasts any day. Anyways, other than the virginity thing, do you have any other plans for your birthday? I don't think it's a bad idea to have something more positive to focus on.
  3. I think that you trying is the most important part. Not every woman hates chess! I like it although I suck lol. A few months ago a guy was doing a rubiks cube on the train and I started talking to him about it and he showed me how he solved it. He also unicycled and sewed clothing. Too bad he was married! But I would not have noticed him otherwise, and vice versa, if it were not for his rubiks cube. Bars I can chat with friends are...okay. I HATE clubs. I don't feel like a piece of meat, I feel completely ignored. I have never felt comfortable dressing sexy, so it's always "who let the troll in?" Plus my social anxiety and introversion make it a guaranteed nightmare for me. There are introvert meetups in my city, perhaps there are some in SF as well. Idk, I tend to zero in on introverts and try to chat with them, there's usually one in a group. I have been really hurt before with trying to make friends, so I think it makes me even more scared to get hurt by someone I want to date. I think most people everywhere look at older virgins as a negative thing if it's not for religious reasons, even in Japan. It's not really the virginity that's the problem for me, it's what it suggests about me (Is she crazy? Is she abusive? What a loser! etc.). That's what I hate about it.
  4. Wow, so so glad you're doing better! I think you have been on everyone's minds since your last post. After a pretty crummy day, it is nice to hear some good news
  5. Thank you! I come across much better online. I'm a bit of a nutter who can't keep herself together irl. I'm also a Westernized Asian, and on first meeting I am very meek but I'm actually massively opinionated and stubborn, obnoxious even. You certainly come across as very likable, so I guess we are presenting the best versions of ourselves here. You are heavily involved in chess, do you attend chess clubs? I would love to go on a first date where the guy show me how to play Dungeons & Dragons, so I'm sure there's a gal there who would like you to teach her chess! There are people attracted to jerks, but I'm not one of them. I have enough of those in my life. If awful people who show all the red flags of being an abuser can find partners, why can't we? I am always drawn to introverts anyways. Sometimes I just get tired of explaining my situation so I just lie (mostly for strangers/relatives). I'm not here to be their gossip fodder. If you can challenge a person trying to demean you, that is very impressive! I go blank and start blushing and stuttering lol... Virginity isn't a flaw, it's just a thing. I will tell you that my therapist (who is a bit crazy herself) says she has never had consensual sex before, despite having been previously married for 30 years. It was such a shocking thing for me to hear and certainly made me realize there are lots of things worse than being an older virgin. She mentioned the same concerns you had as well with being promiscuous and advised against it. Actually she just told me to buy something from an adult store until I was in a relationship
  6. I think the idea that women have it much easier makes me feel even worse. Like I'm excessively repulsive. Need to work more on loving myself. I've never been berated. I would classify it more as traumatizing interventions with harsh words out of concern for me...okay, maybe a little berated. My two brothers are both older than me and virgins, and they are massively isolated (almost hikikomori). My family in general are black sheep, Lord knows what the relatives say about us... I imagine that being on the spectrum adds another layer of "otherness". Sometimes that's not a bad thing though (at least on the outside), because not all women are attracted to "normal". All the stuff you've accomplished, you sound more like a quirky genius. I've always wanted to live in Japan, even just for a little bit. They do matchmaking if dating is difficult. Not that Japan is a perfect society, and I think being a woman there would suck, but my personality fits there in a lot of ways. I went a few years ago and it was a dream come true - but now the friends I went with have their partners and I've no one to go with. Bleh. Looking back, I wish I had been more risky in my teens and twenties. Experienced more stuff. I'm not that old, and I do get annoyed by stupid people, but yeah...wish I had more of my own stupid stories to tell.
  7. Yeah, I've never seen being an older virgin treated in a kind way in Western media. I used to watch a lot of Japanese dramas and older virgins are just not as negatively portrayed, it's a part of them but not their main characteristic (although they're still usually weird/quirky characters). I think it is a bigger stigma for men than women, but I appreciate that you aren't going on a rant about women or dismissing my experience because I'm a woman. I've left social anxiety forums because threads like these often devolve into that. A lot of reddit can be like that too, so I don't blame you for staying away. I know seniors who are incredibly gossipy and judgmental, but I haven't met many who go to my senior centre which is lucky for me lol. The one I have was actually very lonely and her criticisms didn't hurt, not like when my friends criticize me. What is an NT? I have always felt better with older crowds. I don't interact much with people my age nowadays, and I've always liked older men, so my 'type' is getting weird. The guy I'm kinda infatuated with is my 50-something volunteer supervisor who is overweight, bald, short, not handsome. But he's married so that's a big no. Even if he was single it would definitely look like a mail-order bride situation
  8. I have no issue dating another virgin either. If someone is willing to put themselves out there, that speaks well of them. I should stop being a wuss and actually sign up for a dating site. Have you ever visited r/deadbedrooms or r/sex on reddit? People are really weird in general about sex. My two closest friends didn't lose their virginities until they were 28 and 29. One is engaged to the only guy she's been with, and the other has her choice of men but is also dating a great guy. Now they are like, "you need to start dating already". Even for late bloomers, I'm a misfit. Lately my social anxiety has improved a lot because I volunteer with seniors and they are (surprisingly) non-judgmental and easy to talk to. I still have difficulty socializing with people my age, but it's improving.
  9. I'm 32 but female. It sucks. Men don't aoproach me and I don't approach them. I don't want to pay someone. Honestly, I just wanna meet a virgin guy I'm at least mildly attracted to and we can lose our virginities together and then that's it, it's fine, you don't have to love me. It is hard to believe non-virgins won't think of me as defective. There should be an app! I'm paranoid and fearful and have a really awful self image. It's hard to think someone could be physically attracted to me.
  10. Me too! I feel like anhedonia is the body's way of protecting us from intense feelings, but it's results are horrific. The feelings are all there but under the surface. I haven't cried in 2 months although I've been slipping into deep depression. I don't even care about being happy right now. I just want to have some positive meaning in life because right now i don't see the point of it.
  11. I wish I could turn back time to when I was 18, but with the knowledge I have now. So many things I would change.
  12. My therapist keeps saying I am overreacting to children. Even if I tell myself that, it doesn't make it hurt less. It is my Dad's house and he does not want police involved. I started this mess but I cannot end it. I feel immense guilt.
  13. Last night, someone - I assume the same kids who have been damaging the fence - uprooted one of the peony bushes my Mum had planted. It's gone. I am already in a sullen mood because it will be 2 days to her birthday and I miss her. I hate my neighborhood and I hate these people. I want to cry but I'm in the library. I feel sad and numb lately. Life is just pain right now.
  14. Incompetent. Over stuff that wasn't my doing. This is ridiculous. I don't understand people who are having a good day but also feel the need to put you down? Do you really need that extra boost by putting me down? I'm so mad right now.
  15. Dude! Internet high five! I am so happy for you! An amazing snowball effect can happen just by saying "yes" to one thing. Please keep posting updates, it actually makes me really happy to read
  16. I have been decluttering for the last few years and it is very difficult to get rid of physical reminders of my childhood. They say to take a scan/photo, but even that is too much for me. Keeping diaries is a good thing imo and something always recommended by my therapists. Not sure if it's depression (probably), but my memory for lots of things in life is awful (especially for positive things). It's nice to have a reminder. When I start feeling nostalgic, it's like a danger signal to NOT go down that spiral. It starts off feeling happy watching old cartoons and children's shows and suddenly I'm thinking about how much time has passed and I'll never be so happy and carefree again. Often I get nostalgic for times that were awful (e.g. university), probably because at least I still had the hope of youth back then.
  17. The last week I've gone to places where there was a good chance I would run into people I've spent years avoiding out of shame. I ended up seeing 2 people. I didn't say hi or even smiled - one of them we stared at each other for like 5 seconds - and that was it! No one started questioning me, no one came to berate me. What was the point of spending years terrified of running into people? Everything was okay after. I was okay. It felt like closure for a time of my life that still felt raw. Hiding away is the worst mistake I've made in the last 7 years. But now it's time to move forward.
  18. Yes! Not only are we not supposed to be proud of the progress we've made, but we should be ashamed of the situation we are currently in (as if we haven't spend much of our time beating ourselves up mentally). The people that encourage me are on DF. So I'm gonna be thankful and keep moving forward with my progress and my goals and be proud of myself, even if they aren't. I hope you will too.
  19. Sometimes, I just want to hear from someone IRL, "I know you've been pushing yourself and trying really hard. I'm really proud of you." In completely unrelated news, i went out with my friends tonight and my self-esteem will probably be very bad tomorrow.
  20. Volunteering is making me feel very incompetent at both what I do there and how I socialize. I'm pushing myself on both fronts but failing miserably. My only friend there who has been volunteering less than a year already is way more trusted and liked than I am. If I can't even handle volunteering, I don't think that bodes well for living a normal life...
  21. I feel like the only milestones I hit are the unavoidable depressing ones. Tried to google how to find friends who are losers like me, instead got a bunch of links for how to ditch loser friends because they're dragging you down. Dear Lord...maybe I should be looking for people who were abandoned because they got in the way of their friends' success. I understand getting rid of toxic people in your life, but a lot of these "life coaches" are saying to get rid of friends who lack ambition. Idk, it just seems sociopathic. I'm probably being too sensitive.
  22. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Dealing with an abusive mentally ill sibling can cause so much pain. Would you be able to get your brother to help out? I am wondering if maybe the three of you would be able to get new living arrangements together and split the rent. Maybe even staying at a cheap airbnb once in a while just to sleep somewhere clean. I am always worried my older brother will hurt my dad (my dad will not kick him out). And my current (and previous therapist) have bluntly said, "That is not your problem. If he hurts someone, then what? The police will get involved and maybe he will finally get the mental help he needs." It is such a hard thing to accept and the idea of not caring is so difficult. But you are still young. You don't want to end up like me. It only gets worse the longer it goes on. There might be caregiver support groups in your area. Making friends is good, making friends you can be truthful with about your life is better. And people here at DF are so supportive, you will always have a listening ear here. Not sure if you're seeing one already, but many therapists work on a sliding scale and your school should have counselors to talk to. Can I ask where are you located? Maybe someone here will know some services or organizations that will be able to help you. You are dealing with so much alone, and you shouldn't be. You should be very proud of getting your bachelor's despite everything you are going through. That is not an easy feat, but you did it! You have a lot of positive qualities and you are not your family. Sending positive thoughts your way
  23. What kind a person is still bullying 12 years after high school? A sociopath! I don't care how he looks on fb, guaranteed people hate him. I'm sorry you still have to deal with that turd. No matter how you guage success, at least you are not the type of person who treats others like that. A lot of people here (myself included) struggle with our looks. I am low-key in love with my volunteer supervisor. He is 20+ years older than me and is the human embodiment of an egg But he is kind and funny and genuine. Certainly much more attractive than some jerk harrassing people out of his car.
  24. My friends are living their best lives and meanwhile my brain is falling apart. I know people tend to only tell you the good things in their life and stuff like that, but there are limits. I guarantee none of them would trade places with me. I'm just done with life. Everytime I try or things seem to be improving, something unexpectedly bad happens and it's like getting pushed off a tightrope.
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