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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. I just finished watching Good Time. Everything I heard about it was that it's like an anxiety or panic attack. And then I watched it and it's not even close to my general anxiety level lmao. At the back of my head I kept thinking, "Is this what functioning people think is anxiety-inducing?" Anyways, great movie
  2. So many little things I took for granted... - volunteering - taking public transit - wandering around downtown - window shopping - eating at restaurants (that includes fast food joints) After things settle down, I would like to... - go on a trip by myself - move out - get a car
  3. The intense guilt I feel every time I want to do something for myself that might unintentionally hurt my family.
  4. I'd like to be obliterated from existence, from history. If there was a way for no one to ever remember I even existed, most of my anxiety would go away. I want an escape route that leaves no guilt or pain.
  5. Like a glass that was already filled to the brim but here comes my family to add more of their **** water...
  6. I want to cry. This is already awful and it's only been a little over a week. My family is so toxic. I asked my brother to throw out the mounds of cardboard boxes he left in my Dad's room to reduce the risk of my Dad having an asthma attack, and he refused and blamed my other brother for taking over downstairs. And this is supposed to be the good, reasonable brother (although how much reason can you expect from a hoarder). He's had 2 screaming matches (one with each of my brothers) in the last week alone. My Dad's BP spiked and he was having blurry vision. It's settled now but this happened at the beginning of the year as well. I do not want him to go to the doctor or even worse the hospital. It's just garbage piled on garbage (literally and figuratively in my family's case). I see people going through this only mildly inconvenienced and it just makes me angry. After everything settles down, all my problems remain.
  7. I'd be less pissed off if he actually lifted a finger to help. Nope! Me and my other brother are the ones shovelling snow, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning. He is the one content to complain loudly when the food isn't up to his standards. Meanwhile he sits on his *** in front of the computer all day. And I can't say **** because then my Dad gets mad at me for fighting, as if I was the one who instigated it! As far as the US government, Americans have someone who has been fighting for decades for M4A, paid sick leave, guaranteed housing. But looks like he's not gonna be the candidate. Instead you're gonna get the guy with obvious signs of cognitive decline vs the guy with obvious signs of COVID19 who still insists on shaking hands with people. The super-rich are flying off to their underground bunkers to wait this out. Trillions are suddenly being spent to prop up the stock market but none can be given for sick leave, health care, housing. How is every adult in America not saying "we can do much better"? I don't get it. Not that Canada is much better, especially my ridiculous province Sorry, don't like to get political but I'm very angry and frustrated at everyone the past few days.
  8. Well they said to stock up on 2 weeks worth of supplies in case of self-quarantine. I made a donation to our local food bank because I feel guilty for also taking part in this. I am trying not to eat so much so less trips to the store, but I massively want to stress eat right now Tried grocery delivery, half of the stuff was out of stock. My brother (who is already a paranoid conspiracy theorist) is just at the starting line of craziness. I am terrified of where this is going. I can see him locking himself up in the basement with all of our canned goods. Trying to stay calm and failing miserably.
  9. This is all scary and terrifying and a lot of people don't seem to be taking it seriously. I have just left my volunteer position to keep my Dad safe (and he was the one getting mad at me for going!). But he's not taking any precautions himself! My best friend is still going to travel in Asia next month. My volunteer place focuses on seniors and I think it is a powderkeg waiting to be lit. I am terrified for all these people I care about and don't know what to do. The line between hysteria and preparedness is blurred to me. The groceries are full of people at closing time. Everyone is tense and moody. No rubbing alcohol or disinfectant wipes or hand sanitizer anywhere (and none online for a reasonable price). I want Canada to have a travel ban on everywhere tbh.
  10. I have decided to cut back on volunteering, possibly stop altogether. It is pretty much the one thing that has made me realize my life isn't over yet. I am devastated but have to think of Dad. My resentment is building up rapidly - I am supposed to decrease time outside but it's okay if he goes out...
  11. The thing is, I am internal! I've been volunteering there for several years and the hiring manager (my volunteer supervisor!) told me about that position a full month before it opened. I had told him that he knew I was severely underqualified, but he kept saying "oh we can train you" and that I should apply, to the point I felt obligated to try even though I felt no confidence. This tortured me for 2 months. I absolutely love where I volunteer and would've loved to work there. I didn't mind not being hired...but I wasn't even worth an interview when my supervisor is the hiring manager and he urged me to apply...that's how useless I am. I am at zero confidence right now and zero trust of people. Thank you for your kind words. Right now I'm just going to accept my physical feelings about this as they are and try not to think too much.
  12. Devastated and feel childish because of it. I didn't get that job I wanted. I didn't even get an interview. Why encourage me? Why raise my hopes and I wasn't even close to what you wanted? It's sadistic. All he had to do was agree with me that I wasn't qualified. I don't expect to be the first person someone thinks of, but I'm not even a footnote to certain people I think of a lot. I'm probably high up on the list of marks they can get to do work for them, though. I'm like a dog, just waiting to please them. They don't respect me and I don't respect myself.
  13. It's scary how fast depression can sneak up on you, and how quickly it can spiral into feeling completely hopeless. Get depressed and anxious -> Hate myself -> Make stupid mistakes and say stupid things -> Get even more depressed and anxious (and the cycle goes on) My volunteer supervisor called me something today, and I know he was trying to give me confidence, but it made me want to burst into tears. What I really want from him is to tell me I'm not good enough. I want that affirmation that I'm not crazy and that I'm actually as worthless as I feel. That...sounds a bit psychotic haha...
  14. I strained my neck on Friday somehow and it still hurts a lot to move and I look weird because I have to lean my head to the left so it hurts less. It even hurts to swallow. Bleh.
  15. Haha everyone was crying in my theatre - including me! It's the first time I gave permission to myself to cry in a theatre. What a lovely holiday movie, though
  16. Gave Dad his Christmas gift. He told me he never buys gifts anymore because we never like them. My Dad has never bought gifts for me except for 2 occasions I can think of. One he went to our home country with my Mum which means she was the one who bought it, and the other was he went to Vegas with my brothers and I was left out. I had to just laugh. It's that type of victim mentality "it's always someone else's fault I am the way I am" that I constantly have to de-program in myself. As an introvert with social anxiety, it is a constant struggle to not think I'm harrassing people by staying in contact. Maybe she will just have a short reply because she really is busy, but she will not be annoyed. During this time, people (even me) appreciate knowing that other people care about us. There are so many people like me who would seriously appreciate someone genuinely asking how we are.
  17. Christmas Eve. Time to start planning the lies I'll tell people when they ask what I did for the holidays and the gifts I received...
  18. You have a very nice writing style. I know the subject of your posts can be grim, but there's something oddly calming about the way you write, no matter the subject matter.
  19. It was meant to be a bit funny, my humor is very deadpan and awkward lol
  20. Have you tried volunteering? I don't suggest high-stress places like homeless shelters or suicide hotlines, but stuff like dog-walking or playing bingo with seniors. I basically had no confidence for years until I started volunteering and receiving encouragement and kindness on a regular basis. And don't get discouraged if you don't feel that warm feeling everyone keeps talking about. I didn't in my first few volunteer positions and it made me feel like a narcissistic sociopath. Turns out I'm not good with kids lol. But I am great with seniors. I bet some seniors would love to play chess with you (and a lot of them are actually amazing to be around because they're just happy to talk to someone). People that aren't having sex with you nor is there potential for that shouldn't care whether you're a virgin or not. It's creepy. Why do so many people know you're a virgin? Do your coworkers know? I've told you before but I'm a virgin and I'm older than you. I can count on one hand how many people I've discussed my virginity with.
  21. I don't mind saying it here, but when I'm around people IRL, I have to stop myself from saying stuff like "I want to stick my head in the oven" or "I want to stick my head in a vat of acid". I guess it comes across as alarming and offputting...
  22. My supervisor where I volunteer suggested I apply for this job that I am woefully unqualified for (it's the type of job listing I would skip because pretty much none of it describes me). He said it would be good practice since I will start job-hunting in the New Year (and he even got my hopes up since he will be one of the people overseeing the hiring process), but I know it's going to massively hurt when they choose someone else. I love where I volunteer, I love the cause, I love the people there. Pretty much the only thing I hate is that I can't be there every day. They don't hire much either because their budget is so tight. I'm just so sad. I was telling my friend that there's nothing I can offer that other people can't do better. I just feel a bit like sticking my head in the oven
  23. I'm sorry. Brain zaps are awful and it's so hard to describe why they're so awful! The first time I weaned off them it was a month of horrible withdrawal. The second time I weaned off them incredibly slowly - I would chop up the very tiny pill into 2 segments and take away 1 segment per week. Then I started skipping a day, then 2 days, then 3 days, etc. This took a few months. 3 months seems like a long time. Have you talked to your doctor? I'm wondering if maybe going on a very low dose to stop the zaps (like half a pill or something) and then start weaning off slowly again.
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