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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. It's an intro class to technical writing Thank you! A lot of technical writers end up there because of the industry they're in and they naturally end up doing it, whereas I'm trying to enter it without much background. Everyone seems nice enough, but my thoughts certainly get twisted in deep depression.
  2. True, it's just hard. This is bringing back all kinds of memories of trying to socialize in university...which is why I'm writing this at 5 in the morning instead of sleeping! Haven't yet. Will probably talk about volunteering and hobbies that I do like once a year. Trying to convince myself no one really cares or is as neurotic as I am
  3. I signed up for an online class and am already in shambles. The first assignment is to introduce yourself on the discussion boards and everyone on there sounds so much more accomplished than me. I was just going to write a short thing but people are writing paragraphs...currently trying to think of what to write without sounding pathetic But it's nice to be a little excited for something and just focus on myself for once.
  4. I woke up early this morning, couldn't sleep (as usual) and browsed the internet. When I looked at the clock: 3:33. Decided to Google that. First link I clicked said: Together, your angels and spirit guides are sending signs of 333 to comfort you and to remind you that you have the inner strength to keep going on your way. So I'm gonna go with that since I don't really have anything else to hang my hopes on right now.
  5. Yep. I think the question now is "how much worse will it get?"
  6. I'm envious that you have a passion in life. I used to like drawing and photography but can't be bothered anymore. Having a passion you are good at is such a gift.
  7. You have your children (you've probably heard that a million times) but your life is worth saving, regardless of who will be sad if you were gone. Yes, if you can just weather those worst moments, and you will, because you've done it before. This year has been a real crapshoot. Try not to put yourself down too much (easier said than done). It's good to rest rather than attempt to fix yourself when things are at their worst. I am trying to stay curious about the future, even if I don't feel much hope. Hang in there.
  8. I'm sorry, I know you've been having a rough go of it. Are you able to see your doctor anytime soon? This year has been hell and I really understand the feelings of pointlessness. Do you have any coping strategies you can use right now? I can share some, if you'd like (although admittedly they're not great, because I've been feeling suicidal often lately)
  9. Thunder Road. Really good movie. Watched a few weeks ago but stayed in my mind. About a cop going through a mental breakdown, kinda like if Reno 911 was played straight. Funny and sad. Made on a $200k budget but way better than a lot of crap out there.
  10. I usually only subscribe for 2 months of the year when they offer discount on their HD subscription Again, this is NOT a happy show - there are characters who I don't think smiled in the entire 3 seasons. It definitely heightened my suicidal ideation.
  11. I finished Dark (Netflix German series) a few days ago. It's so good but so intricate, I need to rewatch again to catch everything (I've already watched youtube videos to explain timelines and such). I would rank it as one of the best tv series ever. I regret watching it while being so depressed though. Don't watch if you are doing suicidal ideation.
  12. Oh absolutely. You don't stay too long in one area means you can't plant roots and get hurt. Developing deep relationships just seems to end up in suffering for me. Cowards live unusually long lives by avoiding danger
  13. Oh homework haha, all that did was give fodder for next session about why I didn't do the homework... In the end, I don't think I care about CBT, DBT, ACT, body therapy, etc...I just want someone to listen to me. Maybe a hug sometimes. And for it to not cost money. Oh well. I don't wanna be homeless, but stuff like living in a hostel in some foreign country, or van living, or off-grid living, has been so appealing to me lately.
  14. Welp, I accidentally unplugged my laptop and it won't turn on anymore. Apropos of nothing, I'm reminded of this The Onion headline: Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had. I don't know how helpful therapy has been, but I sure do miss having someone I could vent to about my problems. I hope you will get some good out of it.
  15. They do that sometimes, but I always go to the one at the grocery store so I just grocery shop while I wait. It's just a sore spot because I respect my Dad's independence, even when I don't agree with his decisions, so for someone to accuse me of trying to take over an aspect of his life in any way just rubs me the wrong way. There's been other stuff going on so I'm at the brink of I-don't-know-what and really didn't need this.
  16. An off-grid cabin in the woods so no one can contact me ever.
  17. I phoned my Dad's doctor because there was a mistake with his prescription refill and he accused me of trying to "be my Dad's doctor". No stupid, I wasn't the one who changed it, you or the pharmacy made a mistake and I'm trying to rectify it. No apology. I seriously hate people
  18. It's weird how you can go about your day and just look normal - meanwhile your brain is saying the most awful things about yourself. It's like being in an abusive relationship but you can't even go into another room to get away. Me too.
  19. This is the first time I've felt self-centred/selfish in...a long while. It feels really good tbh. The first time in a month I haven't woken up feeling nauseous, like I wanted to die. I'm usually so stressed and guilt-ridden worrying about how my actions will negatively affect others. I decided I'm going to just deal with my extended relatives' wrath when I don't reply to their requests. It's okay if they think I'm an awful, greedy person. I barely know them so what is it to me? They'll just go back into the shadows and badmouth me. Not like anyone knows who I am back home anyways, we moved when I was a baby! I don't plan on ever returning to my home country ever again. There's nothing there for me. Maybe that's what I needed to be okay with...not being a perfect, or even an unselfish, person. I know I hold myself to a demented standard that I never meet. I'm human. I have my own wants and desire to protect myself that might conflict with other people's wants. I don't like being a doormat. I'll be good in my own way, on my own terms. I'm just really tired of living life according to other people's opinions. It would be nice if I could keep this energy going. I know it will go away. But it's nice to feel like this for this moment, at least.
  20. Have you talked with your daughter about this? I wonder if she would be more supportive than you think. I don't drive and during non-pandemic times I really don't have much trouble getting around, including groceries. I'd love it if my dad would just be like "screw it, you're all on your own, I'm gonna go enjoy myself now" and just left. I'm not joking. I've seen him suffer enough. If you are paying your wife's alimony, is there a reason she can't get someone to help her? It just seems like you've put so much on your plate.
  21. Usually, when my thoughts get really dark, I would use my stop-gap: "I always have the choice to get up and walk away from everything." But it's not working anymore. Walking away from everyone could mean disasterous things for many relatives. That sounds like hyperbole but it's not. I know the US is not doing well with the pandemic, but there are countries that are going to be crushed, including my home country. I feel completely trapped by my obligations, and they are obligations to people a world away who I barely know (some not at all).
  22. This is weird but my cousin sent me this link to this book. I read the intro sample pages and realized SHE had written it. It's some kind of memoir. Who knows what she's written about my family in it I really don't want to read it but it'd probably rude not to buy it, right? Plus it's a religious book...ugh. She's probably gonna pop quiz me about it... This is the least of the family drama from the past week, but it's weird to feel a burden of obligation to people I don't feel much (or any) emotional attachment to. Unless "dread" is an emotional attachment.
  23. Just tired of people in my life. I went from "once COVID is done, things will get better" to realizing it's never getting better. If it's going to be like this until I'm dead, I'd rather just go now. Not suicidal, just wanting to be obliterated from existence.
  24. I honestly just don't want to do this anymore.
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