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Kogent5

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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. Welp, I accidentally unplugged my laptop and it won't turn on anymore. Apropos of nothing, I'm reminded of this The Onion headline: Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had. I don't know how helpful therapy has been, but I sure do miss having someone I could vent to about my problems. I hope you will get some good out of it.
  2. They do that sometimes, but I always go to the one at the grocery store so I just grocery shop while I wait. It's just a sore spot because I respect my Dad's independence, even when I don't agree with his decisions, so for someone to accuse me of trying to take over an aspect of his life in any way just rubs me the wrong way. There's been other stuff going on so I'm at the brink of I-don't-know-what and really didn't need this.
  3. An off-grid cabin in the woods so no one can contact me ever.
  4. I phoned my Dad's doctor because there was a mistake with his prescription refill and he accused me of trying to "be my Dad's doctor". No stupid, I wasn't the one who changed it, you or the pharmacy made a mistake and I'm trying to rectify it. No apology. I seriously hate people
  5. It's weird how you can go about your day and just look normal - meanwhile your brain is saying the most awful things about yourself. It's like being in an abusive relationship but you can't even go into another room to get away. Me too.
  6. This is the first time I've felt self-centred/selfish in...a long while. It feels really good tbh. The first time in a month I haven't woken up feeling nauseous, like I wanted to die. I'm usually so stressed and guilt-ridden worrying about how my actions will negatively affect others. I decided I'm going to just deal with my extended relatives' wrath when I don't reply to their requests. It's okay if they think I'm an awful, greedy person. I barely know them so what is it to me? They'll just go back into the shadows and badmouth me. Not like anyone knows who I am back home anyways, we moved when I was a baby! I don't plan on ever returning to my home country ever again. There's nothing there for me. Maybe that's what I needed to be okay with...not being a perfect, or even an unselfish, person. I know I hold myself to a demented standard that I never meet. I'm human. I have my own wants and desire to protect myself that might conflict with other people's wants. I don't like being a doormat. I'll be good in my own way, on my own terms. I'm just really tired of living life according to other people's opinions. It would be nice if I could keep this energy going. I know it will go away. But it's nice to feel like this for this moment, at least.
  7. Have you talked with your daughter about this? I wonder if she would be more supportive than you think. I don't drive and during non-pandemic times I really don't have much trouble getting around, including groceries. I'd love it if my dad would just be like "screw it, you're all on your own, I'm gonna go enjoy myself now" and just left. I'm not joking. I've seen him suffer enough. If you are paying your wife's alimony, is there a reason she can't get someone to help her? It just seems like you've put so much on your plate.
  8. Usually, when my thoughts get really dark, I would use my stop-gap: "I always have the choice to get up and walk away from everything." But it's not working anymore. Walking away from everyone could mean disasterous things for many relatives. That sounds like hyperbole but it's not. I know the US is not doing well with the pandemic, but there are countries that are going to be crushed, including my home country. I feel completely trapped by my obligations, and they are obligations to people a world away who I barely know (some not at all).
  9. This is weird but my cousin sent me this link to this book. I read the intro sample pages and realized SHE had written it. It's some kind of memoir. Who knows what she's written about my family in it I really don't want to read it but it'd probably rude not to buy it, right? Plus it's a religious book...ugh. She's probably gonna pop quiz me about it... This is the least of the family drama from the past week, but it's weird to feel a burden of obligation to people I don't feel much (or any) emotional attachment to. Unless "dread" is an emotional attachment.
  10. Just tired of people in my life. I went from "once COVID is done, things will get better" to realizing it's never getting better. If it's going to be like this until I'm dead, I'd rather just go now. Not suicidal, just wanting to be obliterated from existence.
  11. I honestly just don't want to do this anymore.
  12. I've been reading a lot (and watching videos) about self-help during quarantine. I just finished one that I would thoroughly recommend - Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg. Right now I would put myself in the severe depression category and am in an emotionally abusive household, but I've been able to implement some habits because of this book and it has helped stabilize my mood. Do I feel amazing? Absolutely not. I can't even say I'm hopeful for the future. But I make my bed in the morning, I've been checking things off of my to-do list that have been there for months, and have figured out some effective coping mechanisms (i.e. tiny habits) to reduce my anxiety. And I did it in a way that feels maintainable. It's a book I'd recommend if a lot of advice out there seems too overwhelming or vague, or if just getting out of bed feels impossible.
  13. I'm not super hopeful about my life after COVID either. It's like one long dark tunnel opening out into a slightly less darker tunnel.
  14. Aquaman What a corny movie, my goodness Although there's one really amazing scene that made me think this would have been great if it was adapted into a horror flick.
  15. What We Do In the Shadows (tv series) Good comedy to watch when depressed (well, for me haha)
  16. Alberta has had some terrible weather this year, and it looks like we are on our way to becoming the COVID hotspot in Canada. Just want to stick my head in the toilet
  17. High five! That's awesome, it would be good if HR people could read it
  18. I'm sorry. What an incredibly stressful situation. I hope the construction will finish quickly, at least that will be one problem gone.
  19. I was trying to think of sites where regular people can post articles...I know there are some but am not sure which ones. I've been really curious about the mental effects the quarantine is having, but most articles deal with the isolated or the non-isolated (not both), and don't highlight the similarities between the two situations. That's why I liked your write-up, actually helped me to keep perspective
  20. This is an excellent overview of how different people (at least in US and Canada) are coping with the situation. I feel like you should post it somewhere it will get more views.
  21. Why Does He Do That? About the thought process of abusive men. Really hard to read when you are in the midst of it irl, but a lot of interesting and important info so far.
  22. I had another cousin pass away this past week (due to a motorcycle accident this time). It's already been devastating enough but my oldest brother has made things 100x more stressful. He doesn't care about anyone or anything but himself...how do you interact with a person who lacks empathy, morals, or compassion? I don't know what to do to help my Dad because he will not kick him out, even in the midst of a pandemic. My dad is so broken. I will be moving out as soon as Dad can start going out safely on his own again. I know I'm not going to **** myself, but I thought of writing a note and started crying. I just want all the pain to stop and I don't know how to make it stop. Not just mine but people that I love. All I see is pain and suffering. I don't even care if I hurt anymore, I just want my dad and other brother to be happy. And it seems impossible.
  23. Things have been awful enough I'm crying daily again and been having chest pains. Being happy seems impossible so I'm trying to get excited about how much more terrible everything can get. A grim future seems much more attainable for someone like me tbh.
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