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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. I have to go for dinner with my friends later and I just really don't wanna go. My heart is beating weirdly for the past hour, ugh.
  2. I've been showering more regularly lately, like twice a week. Sad, but I was going a few weeks between showers for a while there (and honestly, I am NOT someone who can get away with not showering for a few days, but it's not like I leave the house much). There is this organic shampoo I want to buy, it's supposed to smell like grape bubble gum: https://www.desertessence.com/store/italian-red-grape-shampoo#reviews I'll need to go see if they sell conditioner with it, and if they sell it at the organic grocery store. I wanna buy new face cleanser, face lotion, face cleanser, bodywash, sunscreen, makeup...I feel like something akin to putting lipstick on a pig, but I'm trying to force myself to pay more attention to my appearance. New Years goals and all that...
  3. For me, nightmares rarely involve monsters or being in any immediate danger. It's always something social or some type of relationship issue. If I have a good dream, I'm sad when I wake up and realize it was just a dream. If I have a bad dream lately, I jolt awake, breathing heavily in a panic, not even knowing what it was I was dreaming about. I used to really enjoy dreaming, but not so much anymore. I wish I could do lucid dreaming, but I'd settle for remembering my dreams nowadays.
  4. When I'm in a good mood, moderately depressed. But usually lately I feel like the bottom's been pulled out from under me.
  5. All my friends seem to be in a relationship or at least something casual and I'm about 8000 miles away from being even close to being stable enough to be a partner to someone. Mainly I wanted to post because A Long December was a song I listened to a lot when my mom was dying. Sorry if this is morbid...it's just a very bittersweet song and I like to listen to it from time to time still. But I love the lyrics, sad but hopeful.
  6. Kmeo, I also feel better when people talk about their problems. It's gone past the point of being a shoulder to cry on - I think I enjoy it to an extent. It's really sick. I think part of the reason I'm finding it so hard to be happy for my friends is that I no longer feel a part of it. Because I've become so sporadic in communicating with people, people just gave up on filling me in on their lives. So they'll talk about stuff I have no idea happened to them and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I am a terrible friend in so many ways. I hear them talk about plans they've made - I could've been part of those plans too, had I not been such a ****-up. I am so disappointed and disgusted with myself, as are most (all?) of my friends (or perhaps ex-friends now). I have met absolutely no one's expectations.
  7. I have a very avoidant personality, so if there's something I don't like, my gut reaction is to just run. And daydreaming is how I get away (at least mentally). Using my mp3 player keeps me from freaking out too much in places like the mall or (when I was working) at my cubicle. Even when I have to stay over at a friend's house, I will use my mp3 player to fall asleep to. Daydreaming + mp3 player has helped me to function in public, more than I care to admit (although it's also a crutch).
  8. I'm also an introvert and hate being the center of attention. I hate things where I feel like people are paying attention to how I'm acting or what I'm doing. When I visited New York, I was amazed by the hustle and bustle. It almost made me euphoric. Just the idea of walking the streets and not worrying about bumping into anyone I recognized, melting in with the faceless crowd. I don't know anyone in NY, but there are probably lots of people who are lonelier and sadder and weirder than me. Somehow that makes me feel less alone. At the same time, I feel so insignificant most of the time - that I never make a deep enough impact in people's lives for them to care much if I'm there or not. Sometimes I wish some stranger would just notice me lol. No one ever does, though. I used to do this! During recess, I'd sit by the fence and just stare into nothingness and daydream. And not even about myself either, I daydreamed about Dragonball lmao. Even then, I realized it was super weird and I was probably creeping out my friends. I think that was the only reason I stopped. Now I pace in a circle in my room, listen to music, and daydream. Still weird, but at least no one can see me...
  9. This is heartbreaking. I was remembering earlier the Christmases of my childhood, how we all went to my grandma and grandpa's house, ate a big meal, got to open one gift each, and all played bingo for prizes. Earlier tonight I laid in bed, felt sorry for myself, and plotted the changing of my will to eliminate the children who are doing their thing tonight without a thought to what I'm doing. I will be with family tomorrow, though. Hugs for you, Kogent. My thoughts are with you and I wish you could join us. My cousin and aunt dropped by to deliver a Christmas present and talk a bit. It was surprising because they haven't done that before. My other relatives had a Christmas party last night. It hurts because it's not like we're unwelcome. My dad just doesn't like their side of the family very much, neither do my brothers (don't ask me why because I seriously don't understand...my dad's side of the family is dysfunction personified). I would feel awkward going alone. This is a case of it's not them, but us. I wish I could gather up the courage to go by myself, but not in this state. Sometimes I really wish I had a new family. I just want to start over. I want everything to start over.
  10. It hurts, a lot. When I was younger, I used to love the holidays because I got gifts and spent time with my cousins at our family Christmas party. When my parents got into a big row with my relatives and we stopped attending the Christmas party, that literally all stopped. My parents aren't very social so we didn't have any alternative parties to go to. Neither did they bother buying gifts anymore because gift-giving isn't really a thing for my family. So Christmas became like any other day, but even more depressing because of what it used to be. I used to give and receive Christmas presents with friends but that's stopped as I've spiralled into depression and alienated myself from most of them. I'll eat Christmas Eve dinner in my room alone and spend Christmas Day in my room alone.
  11. Thanks, Epictetus. Although I've always had a jealous streak, I've also always had that "grass isn't always greener on the other side". It's just this past year, everyone's lives seems better. That miserable doctor - at least he has a good job and accomplished things for himself. I'm miserable and unemployed. Those unhappy people in relationships - at least they're in a relationship and they aren't isolated like me. I can twist everything now because of how craptacular my life is currently going. My best friend - she is very open about the problems in her life. She doesn't realize I don't tell her a tenth of the dysfunction that has happened to me throughout my life. I've always been a bit jealous of her, but now...wow. My friends recently have been dragging me out of the house after months of no social contact. It's actually painful. My heart just drops into my stomach hearing about the things they're doing, how happy they are. I put on my smile and act like I'm happy for them when all I want to do is escape and cry. The best thing that's happened to me recently? I started crying again. This is what my life has become. I don't even know if it's a good thing. I know I should be happy for others not because of the accomplishment, but for the journey they took to reach that accomplishment. I just wish I genuinely felt that way instead of feeling all weird and bitter deep down. Edit: Ah, there are people that I genuinely feel happy for when they accomplish things: my favorite music band. Maybe because I get to brag about them like a sports team? Lol I don't know...And if good things happened to my dad or my brother, I would be happy for them too (their lives aren't much better than mine, however).
  12. I have pretty much destroyed all my friendships this year, save for a couple of close friends (and they are the ones who made the effort, not me). I have cut off most contact with relatives, besides my family who I live with. I am not someone who makes friends easily. I have destroyed friendships that took me years to make. I want to say next year will be better, but at this rate, not likely...
  13. I'm jealous of almost everything my best friend has. It used to be there were things where I was like "oh, at least I have this..." but not anymore. I have nothing good compared to her. Pathetic, really.
  14. Before I used to have a competitive streak with my friends, but I was still able to feel happy for them. Now I'm so far behind them in all life achievements, not doing anything. When I hear about something good happening for them, I just get even more depressed, and it's kind of terrible. Logically, I know it's selfish and I'm being a bad friend. So how do I get my feelings to match up with what my brain is telling me?
  15. So many things happen and I feel like . Haven't left the house in months. Dragged out by a few friends last week (the ones who haven't given up on me even tho I cut off all contact with everybody). Feel even worse. Their lives are great. I live online anonymously, ignoring reality. I go for weeks without showering. I have no job, no prospects of anything. Family life is . Christmas will be lonely and terrible. I hate myself and I've done a good job of making everyone else hate me, too. I really feel sorry for those who know me. I'm really a burden. And I can't even cry anymore.
  16. Good job! Maybe you can set a schedule. Like start slowly. Once every two weeks, and then once every week, and then once every 3 days, etc. It's hard to go from rarely showering to doing it on a daily basis. I've been showering more often lately, but mostly because I've had to go out more the last few weeks. Probably not a bad thing.
  17. I've been pretty awful with showering as my depression's gotten worse (so once a week usually), but I don't hate showering. When I was doing it on a daily basis, I usually took 20 minutes, but because I wait so long in between showers, it can take me 45-1 hr. I am too greasy a person to not be showering regularly. My internet addiction isn't helping either - when I'm at home, it's hard for me to step away from the computer for even an hour. My dental hygiene has been absolutely terrible, not even gonna get into that... Anyways, I have a shower radio that is tuned into a station that just plays stand-up comedy. Using a nice smelling shampoo fills the bathroom with a nice scent that also makes me happy (at least happier than with a shampoo that doesn't have a lot of scent). So distractions help a lot if you'rer not eager to shower. If there's a particular part you like about showering (I like shampooing and using exfoliation gloves on my back - it's like a backscratch) try to focus on anticipating that.
  18. @bagherra - I wish I had another reason for not crying, but it's just because I've reached that stage of depression. I need to start seeing a therapist again and get back on meds. I'm sorry you had such a bad time at the wedding. I'm an introvert who hates celebrations, so I know I'm screwing up somewhere. I know I will have at least a little fun, and there will be moments that, afterwards, I will absolutely hate myself for (this is how I am everytime I attend a social event). The dreadful anticipation and then the overanalyzing afterwards is what really kills me. I'll try the screaming in the pillow idea. @tothegarden - It's hard needing to cry and not being able to. It's incredibly unsatisfying. I used to watch sad movies and bawl my eyes out. Now if I'm lucky I'll get a few tears before it stops. My best right now is so substandard. I can barely get out of bed before noon, I rarely leave the house alone, unless I absolutely have to. I sit in my room 95% of the day on my laptop. Everything is negative and even the things I enjoy are either temporary escapes, or things I no longer find joy in. Thanks for commiserating.
  19. I'm going to be entering a very stressful next month and it involves doing a lot of stuff (socializing, "being happy") that I just am too deep in the depression to pull off well. I feel like a fraud. I will be holding a bachelorette party soon and I already get the feeling absolutely no one is enthused about it (including the bride). I feel like a complete loser. My dress is awkward and it's too late to alter again. I feel like I am going to completely mess up everything and I am letting my friend down. She is someone who looks down on me, thinks my ideas are stupid, and makes fun of me around others. My self-esteem has been shattered the past year, this has not helped at all. Yet I can't blame her if she is angry at me, as I have kept contact with her to a minimum (she has been talking with her other bridesmaids instead). I don't know why I agreed to be maid of honor. Anyways, at a time like this, I used to do well with a good cry. Problem is, I haven't cried in months. The tears start forming and then they just stop, and I don't know how to get them back. Any suggestions? I just need to survive the next month. But I feel so shattered. I have no one to talk to about this.
  20. I'm going on vacation in a few days, and should be really excited, but just feel depressed. I'm going with a friend, and I'm so scared she's going to find out the extent to how depressed I really am. I didn't really want to go...it just seemed like what a normal person would say. And I've told her before I wanted to go to that country. Just didn't expect to go in such deep depression. This vacation is wasted on me. I also found out my relatives are having a family reunion in the US (same time as my trip). The way my dad originally told me, it was just my aunt's family going to visit my grandpa. Nope. My family are black sheeps - my one brother has mental issues and not worked in 12 years, my other brother quit school ten years ago and has never worked. My dad coddled them and never pushed them into social situations. I'm the most normal one. A person like me should never be considered "the normal one". My relatives are good people - especially my cousins, they're very cool, social, and nice - but it's what makes relating to them impossible and makes me feel so guilty. Even if I knew, I probably wouldn't have gone anyways. Being around them makes me feel like a gigantic loser (even moreso when my brothers are there being even more weird and awkward than me). A good family is wasted on us. I'm planning on restarting therapy again and maybe go back on meds when I come back. So I guess that's one thing I'm looking forward to.
  21. I haven't worked in almost two years (this isn't an economy thing). I live at home. I don't have a car and haven't driven in a year. I fail people's expectations of me, to the point they have none. I am the incompetent loser friend they have to do everything for or I'll screw it up. I'm my friend's MOH and I suck at it. I've barely done anything. When I booked the bridesmaid dress fitting, I screwed up the first time, and the second time the place I chose sucked. My other friend ended up finding the place we got our dresses. I have social anxiety too, so she can look forward to a crappy wedding speech, which I'm dreading. I'm going on a trip with another friend and she's basically booked and planned everything while I sit on my ass twiddling my thumbs. I avoid anything that I think will have even a whiff of difficulty. My avoidant behavior has skyrocketed. I'm the girl that people pat on the head and tell to sit in the corner while the grownups do the legwork. I'm 26 and a university grad! I embarrass myself. I have a very self-deprecating sense of humor, but lately I just feel like I'm bullying myself. Then my friends pile on. I'm the leecher who bums around the house. Laugh at me, I'm the ugly clown. I've stopped hanging out with acquaintances (basically just 2-3 friends I'm comfortable now with) because I'm tired of being asked "so what have you been up to?" Nothing. Not a damn thing. I sit at home in my room and feel sorry for myself and wish I was better than that but I'm not. I've become everything I never wanted to be. TBH, the past few months, I've been at my lowest, and I know I can just keep going lower. Lots of times lately, I just want it all done with. Not suicide...just done with.
  22. Thanks for the reply Epictetus. I'm sorry for your loss as well - . I also agree about it not just being about circumstances - I am someone who is prone to depression, and I had a pretty bad case during university (not as bad as the last year though). During that time I took zoloft. Last year I went off of it and I had a hell of a time with withdrawal symptoms. I'd like to try going without meds, if possible, this time around. I guess what's the worst part right now is I was doing so good for two weeks, and then it just crumbled so easily. Trapped by circumstance is the perfect way to describe how I feel. I guess it feels...unnecessarily cruel. You are right about advice falling on deaf ears when it comes to someone with depression - but I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out and understand :)
  23. After being severely depressed for about 7 months since my mum died, beginning of May I started feeling so much better. I don't know if it was the weather or walking outside or therapy kicking in, but suddenly I could sometimes feel a type of happiness I thought was gone forever. And then some days the happy moments outnumbered the sad ones. Last Friday I found out my dad has diabetes, and I feel like all my progress the last two weeks went down the drain. I really, truly feel that I'm never going to be happy. The longest period of time I was happy was 2 years, and after that my mum got sick with just a horrible disease - it felt like the world or God was telling me "if you want to be happy, there are going to be serious consequences to go with that." I'm unemployed (I quit after mum got sick), live at home, not going to school, 25, no car, no boyfriend (nor do I see one in my future)...I don't see much happiness. The future as I see it - my dad dying, then me having to take care of my two older brothers because they can't take care of themselves (one of which I despise for his abusive behavior, but this is a responsibility my dad has given me). How pathetic is it that I am the "responsible" one of the three of us? Even if I were to get a job and earn enough to move out, I don't think I could because my dad has little social support and I would feel like I was abandoning him. I live with my dad and brothers and it is extremely depressing...my dad refuses to get rid of any of the medical equipment my mum had when she was sick...and I cannot be in the same room with my brother for very long so I spend literally 98% of my time at home in my room, sometimes not eating until late afternoon because he's always at home and I don't want to bump into him in the kitchen. I just wanted to vent. I am SO sad that I don't have the happiness I had only two weeks ago. It's always been so fleeting to me, but the past year has really cemented my beliefs. My therapist asks me why I believe that sometimes...but with everything I tell her, I find it almost silly that she wouldn't know by now.
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