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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. Angry. Got a random call from a childhood friend. Turns out my best friend gave him my number, now he wants to hang out next week. I don't want to see people, let alone old friends I haven't seen in years so they can see how bad my life is right now. Ugh. Edit: okay, I didn't realize those words were censored here lol...changed it.
  2. Feel like God just doesn't ever want me to be happy. Dad got one cataract removed and his vision has improved. I've had to spend more time with him lately because he's been sick. Noticing all these little things...I think he might have very early signs of dementia. After what happened to my mum, I am terrified. Life at home is already tough enough with an undiagnosed mentally ill brother. One of the goals I'm working on is moving out. What if after all of this I have to move back in again? What kind of life is this. I knew I shouldn't have been happy that his eyesight was so improved and he looked so much healthier than the other patients at the eye clinic. Feel like this is some sort of payback for feeling like that. As a Catholic, I feel like I haven't seen a loving God in a very long time. And I just feel angry when people tell me otherwise.
  3. Sad. Declined an invitation to a friend's birthday. Therapy has helped me become more independent again, but my social anxiety is still pretty severe. A blow to my self esteem and heavy guilt tripping will ensue this weekend... I feel the same way (turning 28 in May). Everyone keeps telling me I'm so young but it feels like my friends and peers are all way ahead of me in literally everything. It's my 10-year high school reunion this year and there's absolutely no way I'm going. What a disappointment I've turned out...
  4. I know you're having a tough time right now, but I really admire you getting your life back together. Right now I've been unemployd for 2+ years and not going to school, and have alienated a lot of my friends. I started therapy recently and am making very slow progress. Progress is painful, I'm finding. I hope I can work and maybe go back to school eventually, too. Recently I tried to get back on antidepressants and the doctor at the hospital refused (he didn't believe meds should be used for depression or anxiey). I was surprised. When I told my therapist, she said I was her first patient that's ever happened to. Anyways, she suggested I go for a walk every day. Studies show people who go for walks do consistently better than those just on ADs. So I will try that for now and see. Maybe you could try that too until your meds situation is sorted.
  5. I'd like to know as well because I've had 3 sessions so far (not including my TIR therapy) and it's basically just me talking about my issues and being told to just push my way through my negative thoughts. This isn't what I expected, because I feel like I'm not being given tools or how to push my way through these thoughts - I'm just being told to do it. I hope someone else doing ACT will provide insight.
  6. Wow, bookmarked this discussion. Really interesting insights from everyone. The way Epictetus describes CBT is really a new way of looking at it for me - I've always seen it as a way to combat negative emotions, maybe that's been my problem. Thinking of it as a "big picture" type of therapy is not something my previous therapists stressed. Right now I'm doing ACT therapy, and the big difference with CBT that I notice is no homework. My goals for the week are life goals rather than having reading material or anything like that. My therapist also doesn't really provide any ways to manage my negative thinking so it's a bit frustrating. I like her but right now I feel like I'm just going there to talk about my problems and have someone to be accountable to, but not really being equipped with "tools" to deal with my negative thinking.
  7. After a few good days, I am so sad today. I feel no hope.
  8. I used to be on zoloft but went off of it about 2 years ago. My new therapist suggested I go back on, so I went to the hospital to get a prescription. The psychologist there was very against using medication for depression and anxiety. This is embarrassing...but I started crying. I felt like such a child that wasn't getting her own way. I told him I'd do therapy for 6 months before trying meds. We'll see what happens...
  9. I had 3 showers last week, mainly because I had to go to therapy twice. Most I've showered regularly in many months. I bought that shampoo that smells nice. But the cap leaks and it's for color-treated hair (I have never dyed my hair) OTL. Derp.
  10. Went to new therapist for first time. It was good. Nice to tell someone IRL about how I honestly feel. First time in a really long time I've felt a glimmer of hope. Will see her again on Friday to do a TIR session. I am really super curious about this as I think my previous therapists only ever used CBT. It was nice to just be outside by myself. Walking in the snow (not too cold today). Went shopping at a mall I really like but haven't been to in over a year. Ended up shopping for 5 hours! Only bought a sweater. I used to love shopping...I don't know if it's winter fashion or my depression but everything looks dull and colorless to me. I didn't feel the happiness I used to feel shopping, but I didn't feel on high alert that I'd bump into anyone either (which is one of the reasons I've been shutting myself inside my room). I gained a little more confidence even tho some bad stuff happened (like I kept setting off the alarms in stores because of something I bought, so frustrating). My dad has been sick so I did a few chores for him too.
  11. Did some laundry, cleaned my room, made myself some mac & cheese. Tomorrow (or rather later today) I start much-needed therapy. I'm very nervous and can't sleep lol....
  12. I have to go for dinner with my friends later and I just really don't wanna go. My heart is beating weirdly for the past hour, ugh.
  13. I've been showering more regularly lately, like twice a week. Sad, but I was going a few weeks between showers for a while there (and honestly, I am NOT someone who can get away with not showering for a few days, but it's not like I leave the house much). There is this organic shampoo I want to buy, it's supposed to smell like grape bubble gum: https://www.desertessence.com/store/italian-red-grape-shampoo#reviews I'll need to go see if they sell conditioner with it, and if they sell it at the organic grocery store. I wanna buy new face cleanser, face lotion, face cleanser, bodywash, sunscreen, makeup...I feel like something akin to putting lipstick on a pig, but I'm trying to force myself to pay more attention to my appearance. New Years goals and all that...
  14. For me, nightmares rarely involve monsters or being in any immediate danger. It's always something social or some type of relationship issue. If I have a good dream, I'm sad when I wake up and realize it was just a dream. If I have a bad dream lately, I jolt awake, breathing heavily in a panic, not even knowing what it was I was dreaming about. I used to really enjoy dreaming, but not so much anymore. I wish I could do lucid dreaming, but I'd settle for remembering my dreams nowadays.
  15. When I'm in a good mood, moderately depressed. But usually lately I feel like the bottom's been pulled out from under me.
  16. All my friends seem to be in a relationship or at least something casual and I'm about 8000 miles away from being even close to being stable enough to be a partner to someone. Mainly I wanted to post because A Long December was a song I listened to a lot when my mom was dying. Sorry if this is morbid...it's just a very bittersweet song and I like to listen to it from time to time still. But I love the lyrics, sad but hopeful.
  17. Kmeo, I also feel better when people talk about their problems. It's gone past the point of being a shoulder to cry on - I think I enjoy it to an extent. It's really sick. I think part of the reason I'm finding it so hard to be happy for my friends is that I no longer feel a part of it. Because I've become so sporadic in communicating with people, people just gave up on filling me in on their lives. So they'll talk about stuff I have no idea happened to them and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I am a terrible friend in so many ways. I hear them talk about plans they've made - I could've been part of those plans too, had I not been such a ****-up. I am so disappointed and disgusted with myself, as are most (all?) of my friends (or perhaps ex-friends now). I have met absolutely no one's expectations.
  18. I have a very avoidant personality, so if there's something I don't like, my gut reaction is to just run. And daydreaming is how I get away (at least mentally). Using my mp3 player keeps me from freaking out too much in places like the mall or (when I was working) at my cubicle. Even when I have to stay over at a friend's house, I will use my mp3 player to fall asleep to. Daydreaming + mp3 player has helped me to function in public, more than I care to admit (although it's also a crutch).
  19. I'm also an introvert and hate being the center of attention. I hate things where I feel like people are paying attention to how I'm acting or what I'm doing. When I visited New York, I was amazed by the hustle and bustle. It almost made me euphoric. Just the idea of walking the streets and not worrying about bumping into anyone I recognized, melting in with the faceless crowd. I don't know anyone in NY, but there are probably lots of people who are lonelier and sadder and weirder than me. Somehow that makes me feel less alone. At the same time, I feel so insignificant most of the time - that I never make a deep enough impact in people's lives for them to care much if I'm there or not. Sometimes I wish some stranger would just notice me lol. No one ever does, though. I used to do this! During recess, I'd sit by the fence and just stare into nothingness and daydream. And not even about myself either, I daydreamed about Dragonball lmao. Even then, I realized it was super weird and I was probably creeping out my friends. I think that was the only reason I stopped. Now I pace in a circle in my room, listen to music, and daydream. Still weird, but at least no one can see me...
  20. This is heartbreaking. I was remembering earlier the Christmases of my childhood, how we all went to my grandma and grandpa's house, ate a big meal, got to open one gift each, and all played bingo for prizes. Earlier tonight I laid in bed, felt sorry for myself, and plotted the changing of my will to eliminate the children who are doing their thing tonight without a thought to what I'm doing. I will be with family tomorrow, though. Hugs for you, Kogent. My thoughts are with you and I wish you could join us. My cousin and aunt dropped by to deliver a Christmas present and talk a bit. It was surprising because they haven't done that before. My other relatives had a Christmas party last night. It hurts because it's not like we're unwelcome. My dad just doesn't like their side of the family very much, neither do my brothers (don't ask me why because I seriously don't understand...my dad's side of the family is dysfunction personified). I would feel awkward going alone. This is a case of it's not them, but us. I wish I could gather up the courage to go by myself, but not in this state. Sometimes I really wish I had a new family. I just want to start over. I want everything to start over.
  21. It hurts, a lot. When I was younger, I used to love the holidays because I got gifts and spent time with my cousins at our family Christmas party. When my parents got into a big row with my relatives and we stopped attending the Christmas party, that literally all stopped. My parents aren't very social so we didn't have any alternative parties to go to. Neither did they bother buying gifts anymore because gift-giving isn't really a thing for my family. So Christmas became like any other day, but even more depressing because of what it used to be. I used to give and receive Christmas presents with friends but that's stopped as I've spiralled into depression and alienated myself from most of them. I'll eat Christmas Eve dinner in my room alone and spend Christmas Day in my room alone.
  22. Thanks, Epictetus. Although I've always had a jealous streak, I've also always had that "grass isn't always greener on the other side". It's just this past year, everyone's lives seems better. That miserable doctor - at least he has a good job and accomplished things for himself. I'm miserable and unemployed. Those unhappy people in relationships - at least they're in a relationship and they aren't isolated like me. I can twist everything now because of how craptacular my life is currently going. My best friend - she is very open about the problems in her life. She doesn't realize I don't tell her a tenth of the dysfunction that has happened to me throughout my life. I've always been a bit jealous of her, but now...wow. My friends recently have been dragging me out of the house after months of no social contact. It's actually painful. My heart just drops into my stomach hearing about the things they're doing, how happy they are. I put on my smile and act like I'm happy for them when all I want to do is escape and cry. The best thing that's happened to me recently? I started crying again. This is what my life has become. I don't even know if it's a good thing. I know I should be happy for others not because of the accomplishment, but for the journey they took to reach that accomplishment. I just wish I genuinely felt that way instead of feeling all weird and bitter deep down. Edit: Ah, there are people that I genuinely feel happy for when they accomplish things: my favorite music band. Maybe because I get to brag about them like a sports team? Lol I don't know...And if good things happened to my dad or my brother, I would be happy for them too (their lives aren't much better than mine, however).
  23. I have pretty much destroyed all my friendships this year, save for a couple of close friends (and they are the ones who made the effort, not me). I have cut off most contact with relatives, besides my family who I live with. I am not someone who makes friends easily. I have destroyed friendships that took me years to make. I want to say next year will be better, but at this rate, not likely...
  24. I'm jealous of almost everything my best friend has. It used to be there were things where I was like "oh, at least I have this..." but not anymore. I have nothing good compared to her. Pathetic, really.
  25. Before I used to have a competitive streak with my friends, but I was still able to feel happy for them. Now I'm so far behind them in all life achievements, not doing anything. When I hear about something good happening for them, I just get even more depressed, and it's kind of terrible. Logically, I know it's selfish and I'm being a bad friend. So how do I get my feelings to match up with what my brain is telling me?
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