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Kogent5

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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. It snowed for the first time in like 3 weeks and I was really happy lol I even enjoyed shoveling the snow.
  2. Started and stopped the latest Vampire Hunter D novel 2 weeks ago and I probably have to restart it because I forgot everything already. I know it's getting absolutely trashed online right now, but I can't believe they made a sequel to Ready Player One...
  3. Powering through the day on feelings of spite and revenge.
  4. Finally finished season 3 (first half was slow, second half was nuts). I'm now in the "let's watch everything David Lynch has ever done" phase of the pandemic.
  5. My mum passed away years ago, but my dad is a massive enabler. The sick thing is that my dad is the one who is targeted the most, but he's always making excuses for my brother and he also expects me and my other brother to take care of the narc after he is gone! My dad acknowledges there is something wrong with my brother but absolves him of any and all responsibility. Me and my other brother keep telling him that we will not be taking care of the narc, but my dad lives in a delusional make-believe world...he has for a long time now. My mum was pretty much done with him by the time he started throwing out her food, but my dad said she was the one who asked the narc to move back in when she became sick. I have a hard time believing that, but who knows.
  6. Yeah, it's been over 10 years and it still fills me with blinding rage. The other two things I could just pass off as childish/socially inept, but he also has the plain ol' garden variety evil traits of narcissism
  7. My brother has other undiagnosed mental health issues so pretty much everything he does is weird AND sadistic. - During university he would throw away the food my mum cooked. Like sometimes even the pan with it. He said the smell made him nauseous (absolute garbage, it was always just my Mum's food and she was an amazing cook). - If he doesn't like someone or is angry at them, he will fart/burp very loudly if they walk past him. I don't care but it upsets my other brother a lot. - We once had to cancel a trip because he decided to bring a cd case of porn along with him and TSA ended up spending like 2 hours making sure there was no child porn on it. We missed our flight. This is just the tip of the iceberg and in a lot of ways he's gotten worse. I think people who've never had homicidal thoughts have never had prolonged exposure to a narcissist.
  8. I keep thinking there's no justice in the world, but if there was real justice my organs and assets would have been harvested 10 years ago and given to people who actually deserve to live.
  9. Before I used to just think I was pointless, but nowadays it's hard not to see humanity as pointless. Stuff like VHEMT make a lot of sense to me. But I'm a Catholic and I guess you can't be a Catholic and a nihilist so idk wtf I am at this point. But if you can ignore "meaning" in life, I believe there is at least some happiness to be found. Do I think I'll find it? No. But I'm sure it exists for other people. The US and Canada supported a military coup in Bolivia last year. This year they had another election and - despite heavy state propaganda - the people voted for the party that actually won the election last year. If the West could stop seeing itself as the pinnacle of democracy, maybe our leaders would actually bother working to get us what we want. They should be scared of their constituents, not their donors.
  10. I had an older cousin come live with us for 2 years after she immigrated. Interacting with normal, healthy family on a daily basis was very important to me. I have a bit of a different story here where my parents weren't narcs, my brother was. Unfortunately, both my parents were completely overwhelmed by him and he continues to rule over my family to this day. It's f-ing weird. My dad will not make any decisions unless it's okay with my brother. I want that vaccine right now. Inject it into my forehead. I am done living with my family.
  11. Making my way through Twin Peaks. There's so much great weirdness but that second season was so obviously messed with. I would love to see a remake, with the story that David Lynch originally intended.
  12. First Aid Kit - The Lion's Roar And I'm a ------- coward, but then so are you ~
  13. Empathy isn't a belief. You either feel it or you don't.
  14. DSM-5 will have the official diagnosis criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Do you need an official diagnosis? Nah. A video that really struck me is on youtube called: "Why do you feel it so important to know they are definitely a narcissist?" I find Youtube videos from DoctorRamani have been really helpful in understanding narcissism. She is really empathetic and knowledgeable about narcs, which is not common in therapists. The Little Shaman is another good channel as well.
  15. In high school, only 2 of us passed the AP exam in grade 12. My friend became a doctor and I became...nothing. Awards and scholarships don't mean anything when you have zero confidence and messed up coping mechanisms. Living in the real world feels impossible. At this point I'm sure I'd be more useful as pig feed. I rebuild my life bit by bit, then something catastrophic happens to my family and everything comes unglued. I don't see the point in life when the cycle is endless.
  16. It's hard not to be bitter when I think what kind of a person I could have been had I been born into a more functional family.
  17. I made several stupid mistakes on the final assignment for my class and I'm kicking myself because I could have aced it. I worked SO HARD on that stupid thing all week and I sabotaged myself by not doing a proper final edit. Idiot.
  18. Just finished The Boys Season 2. Started a bit slow but gets really good the last few episodes. I also finally finished The Man In the High Castle. If you're thinking about watching this...don't. They really crapped the bed with the ending. Hoping I get another free Amazon Prime trial by the time The Boys Season 3 comes out
  19. Sorry things have been rough. It sounds like you have a starting point for what would help (sitting in nature). Is that something you're able to do? It also sounds like staying off of social media would help (I think that's a good idea in general, even when not horribly depressed). This sounds silly, but the last couple of months if I'm feeling very anxious at bedtime, I fall asleep to a video on Youtube called "Best Starfield! 2 Hours of Amazing Space Travel- Supernovas, Nebulas & Comets!" I just stare at my laptop screen and pretend I'm alone on a spaceship, traveling far away from everyone and everything I know. I still wake up with bad morning anxiety, but I'm not starting my sleep with so much negativity. I hope this is just an adjustment period for you and your body will sort itself out soon.
  20. sober, I'm tearing up. So glad she reached out to you. I hope the weekend gives you some time to rest a bit (or stay busy, whichever is best for you).
  21. I am going into my "angry" phase of depression, which at least provides some feeling of motivation. Usually if it is just depression, everything feels grey and worthless. I don't stay angry very long, though, and will be back to "normal" in a day or two. How long can one avoid oneself? Yes, keep busy, don't let your mind rest...that's when the bad thoughts come rushing in. But it's an exhausting way to live. I keep a stash of packaged foods in my room when everything becomes difficult (tuna, crackers, instant noodle). Plus I have an electric kettle and some bouillon cubes to make soup. I can live in my room for a few days without going anywhere else but the bathroom. I don't recommend it, though.
  22. And they say "fake it until you make it". After 15 years as an adult, I'm kinda tired of faking. If I told myself 10 years ago that this was how I would be living, I honestly think I would've ended things then.
  23. They always say "keep busy" to take your mind off the depression and anxiety. Well, I'm pretty full up with classes and goals I have 'til the end of the year, but I still don't really want to exist. I don't dream about the future and everything still feels miserable. I don't see the point in quitting right now, but if something were to curtail my plans, it would bother me less than it should. I'm an empty husk pretending that I'm trying to be a productive member of society. All I want is to not be me.
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