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Kogent5

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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. Probably the therapy part would be my least favorite part, I've always been apprehensive about the idea of group therapy (maybe that's proof I actually need to try it). Apparently there are such things as adult summer camps, but I'd prefer knowing everyone I'm with is dealing with mental health issues too. I'm okay being stuck in the mountains, maybe I'll get lucky and get eaten by a bear As long as I can hide in my room if I'm not feeling well, I think it'll be okay.
  2. A 3 month stint in one of those really posh inpatient treatment centres in the mountains, the ones where you have activities like horseriding but you also get personal and group therapy. I've never done inpatient but those seem actually nice.
  3. I finally told my Dad I was feeling suicidal and he was like, "you shouldn't say things like that." I get it, he's old, he's from a culture that sweeps mental health under the rug, I wasn't really looking for sympathy, just needed to finally vent. But I can tell it is really bothering him (he ran a red light earlier) and now I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. He wasn't ever a dad who protected me from things I needed to be protected from, but I still want to protect him from my own ugly thoughts. He was never the one to be emotionally abusive, it was always my older brother...my dad just takes it. It was something that didn't need to be said to him and now I can't take it back. Anyways, I'm not anti-vaccine, but I do wish that it would yeet me off of this planet. Quick and painless end is ideal. Then I wouldn't have to worry about any of this.
  4. I have recommended it on here before, but the listeners can be a mixed bag and can sometimes do more harm than good. Sometimes it can help, though. I believe you can also pay to talk to a trained therapist there, but I haven't tried it. Nowadays I prefer reddit (mental health subreddits) when dealing with immediate mental health crises. There tends to be a lot of people active and will respond pretty quickly. But then a lot of times your thread might just get lost in the middle and no one replies... I like DF for when I'm in a more stable form of depression/anxiety since I know the people responding. I also think it's fairly easy to integrate into the community here if you start off in one of the long-running threads. I literally never integrate into online communities...DF is the only one.
  5. Hard to express how thankful I am (for many reasons, not just what's happening today) that the US rejected my family for immigration and we ended up in Canada instead.
  6. Has anyone found their appetite has changed a lot since the pandemic started? Pre-pandemic, I was eating lemons almost every day. I could go through a bag of frozen cranberries in a night. Now I can't even think about doing that. I also used to dislike most banana-related food. Now I crave it all the time. Probably has something to do with vitamin deficiencies lol...
  7. That would be amazing but I don't imagine being able to be myself until certain people are gone. Some things have been happening lately that make me feel so utterly trapped in real life...much more than usual. I'm at a loss as to how to move forward. So lucid dreaming it is. Sleeping is a big chunk of life, so if I can derive pleasure from that, maybe waking life won't feel so absolutely miserable.
  8. Is it like real life? Any cool dreams you remember? Yeah, I don't wanna go on meds for this, but I wonder if there are supplements that would help. Can very depressed, anxious people lucid dream? The harder I try, the more nightmares I get, so I stop. Last night was...not good. I think your dream was telling you to go to the bathroom. There's an old prank that you put someone's hand in a glass of water while they're sleeping and it makes them wet the bed. Not sure if it's true or not, not gonna test it I tend to think of dreams as being a way to organize memories, and occasionally a dream will try to convey some kind of message. As in real life, things happen around me and I feel helpless to stop it. Maybe gaining control in dreams would help me feel more in control in real life.
  9. I hope everyone here is able to have a Merry Christmas or happy holidays, despite the narcs in our lives. I am so thankful for the support I've received here, it has meant a lot. Give the gift of self-care to yourself and keep contact with the narc(s) at a minimum
  10. My resolution for the New Year is to start lucid dreaming. I've tried to half-ass it before, and I'm pretty good with dream recall, so I'm not completely new to it. I've pretty much given up on real life getting better so I can at least try to have a good life in my dreams.
  11. Tired. Shoveled snow for 6 hours today (2 houses, yesterday we only did the 1). Soooo many cars got stuck in the roads because the stupid city didn't bother to send snow plows through the suburbs. We got stuck 3 times. I don't think I'll be able to move tomorrow. That wasn't the issue today. Physical pain is nothing. The mental scars of abuse...you think you're healing and they tear the scab right off. I'm so tired of living like this but everything is complicated...you remove one string and it tightens the knot on another. I wish it was just me, my younger brother, and Dad. That's all. That's my Christmas wish.
  12. My Christmas wish is very dark this year.
  13. Tired. 2-3 ft of snow to shovel at 3 houses and only me and my younger brother doing it.
  14. A 1-person rocket ship so I can be blasted directly into the sun. For science, of course.
  15. It snowed for the first time in like 3 weeks and I was really happy lol I even enjoyed shoveling the snow.
  16. Started and stopped the latest Vampire Hunter D novel 2 weeks ago and I probably have to restart it because I forgot everything already. I know it's getting absolutely trashed online right now, but I can't believe they made a sequel to Ready Player One...
  17. Powering through the day on feelings of spite and revenge.
  18. Finally finished season 3 (first half was slow, second half was nuts). I'm now in the "let's watch everything David Lynch has ever done" phase of the pandemic.
  19. My mum passed away years ago, but my dad is a massive enabler. The sick thing is that my dad is the one who is targeted the most, but he's always making excuses for my brother and he also expects me and my other brother to take care of the narc after he is gone! My dad acknowledges there is something wrong with my brother but absolves him of any and all responsibility. Me and my other brother keep telling him that we will not be taking care of the narc, but my dad lives in a delusional make-believe world...he has for a long time now. My mum was pretty much done with him by the time he started throwing out her food, but my dad said she was the one who asked the narc to move back in when she became sick. I have a hard time believing that, but who knows.
  20. Yeah, it's been over 10 years and it still fills me with blinding rage. The other two things I could just pass off as childish/socially inept, but he also has the plain ol' garden variety evil traits of narcissism
  21. My brother has other undiagnosed mental health issues so pretty much everything he does is weird AND sadistic. - During university he would throw away the food my mum cooked. Like sometimes even the pan with it. He said the smell made him nauseous (absolute garbage, it was always just my Mum's food and she was an amazing cook). - If he doesn't like someone or is angry at them, he will fart/burp very loudly if they walk past him. I don't care but it upsets my other brother a lot. - We once had to cancel a trip because he decided to bring a cd case of porn along with him and TSA ended up spending like 2 hours making sure there was no child porn on it. We missed our flight. This is just the tip of the iceberg and in a lot of ways he's gotten worse. I think people who've never had homicidal thoughts have never had prolonged exposure to a narcissist.
  22. I keep thinking there's no justice in the world, but if there was real justice my organs and assets would have been harvested 10 years ago and given to people who actually deserve to live.
  23. Before I used to just think I was pointless, but nowadays it's hard not to see humanity as pointless. Stuff like VHEMT make a lot of sense to me. But I'm a Catholic and I guess you can't be a Catholic and a nihilist so idk wtf I am at this point. But if you can ignore "meaning" in life, I believe there is at least some happiness to be found. Do I think I'll find it? No. But I'm sure it exists for other people. The US and Canada supported a military coup in Bolivia last year. This year they had another election and - despite heavy state propaganda - the people voted for the party that actually won the election last year. If the West could stop seeing itself as the pinnacle of democracy, maybe our leaders would actually bother working to get us what we want. They should be scared of their constituents, not their donors.
  24. I had an older cousin come live with us for 2 years after she immigrated. Interacting with normal, healthy family on a daily basis was very important to me. I have a bit of a different story here where my parents weren't narcs, my brother was. Unfortunately, both my parents were completely overwhelmed by him and he continues to rule over my family to this day. It's f-ing weird. My dad will not make any decisions unless it's okay with my brother. I want that vaccine right now. Inject it into my forehead. I am done living with my family.
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