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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. Trying to take solace that I will die eventually, whether I do anything or not. And if I'm lucky there will not be any garbage to deal with like an afterlife or reincarnation and I'll just be done. So I just have to exist until I'm dead. And that's something I can do
  2. For sure check it out! I know I sound a bit down on it, but the parts that I like I really like and I've watched the first few episodes a few times already.
  3. Resident Alien. Alan Tudyk is great and I love the alien-masquerading-as-human trope, but everything else is meh. Plus it's on SyFy so they'll probably cancel it
  4. It's hypervigilance. Not just your mind, but your body is so used to being on alert for the next high-stress situation. My previous therapist told me I need to self-soothe mentally (tell yourself there is no danger, watch a calming video, listen to some nice music) and physically (figure out what part of your body is reacting and soothe it, so this might include stroking your chest, hugging a pillow, curling your toes). I am terrible at this, but maybe it will work for you.
  5. I just want to stop caring about everything and everyone. I'm so tired of this.
  6. Vampire Hunter Volume 29 - I don't ever expect anything groundbreaking from this series but it's a comfort read. This volume might be the only one I've disliked. Irritating supporting characters and dumb logic throughout. The Gooseberry - a book from my tween years that I always thought was set in Australia but it's actually in the UK. It's my toilet read. I'm on page 48.
  7. Everything good feels impossible. Like squeezing blood from a stone. The idea that if you keep at it, eventually it will all be worth it, rests on the idea that life is inherently just, which is just not true for many people. I know why I make the sacrifices I do, but in the end I know I won't have anything to show for it besides a failed life. All of this effort and struggle so I can maintain someone else's crappy standard of living because they won't do anything to improve their own situation...there's no happy out for me, every choice I make comes with at least one devastating consequence.
  8. After not having played in several years, I decided to start playing Solitaire again. I used to think I was really good at it as a kid, but it turns out I suck - really bad! I must've used to play an easy version or something. Ugh.
  9. Bernie was given the mittens for free by a teacher in his state. I remember because I tweeted her a year ago when they first got popular. From what I understand, the teacher doesn't have the time to make more of them although she has been flooded with requests. I am glad Bernie used the internet fame to help Meals on Wheels, it is what I expect of him. He is pretty much the only part of US politics I am jealous about.
  10. Honestly, I never know how my family will react. The last time I was really honest to my Dad was ten years ago, when I told him I was on zoloft because the family situation was so bad. I thought maybe he'd understand, but instead him and my younger brother had an intervention to get me to stop using it because they thought I'd become an addict. There was never talk about how to improve the situation or support me. So I feel less bad today. I'm on my own and that's okay, it'll make leaving easier.
  11. Probably the therapy part would be my least favorite part, I've always been apprehensive about the idea of group therapy (maybe that's proof I actually need to try it). Apparently there are such things as adult summer camps, but I'd prefer knowing everyone I'm with is dealing with mental health issues too. I'm okay being stuck in the mountains, maybe I'll get lucky and get eaten by a bear As long as I can hide in my room if I'm not feeling well, I think it'll be okay.
  12. A 3 month stint in one of those really posh inpatient treatment centres in the mountains, the ones where you have activities like horseriding but you also get personal and group therapy. I've never done inpatient but those seem actually nice.
  13. I finally told my Dad I was feeling suicidal and he was like, "you shouldn't say things like that." I get it, he's old, he's from a culture that sweeps mental health under the rug, I wasn't really looking for sympathy, just needed to finally vent. But I can tell it is really bothering him (he ran a red light earlier) and now I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. He wasn't ever a dad who protected me from things I needed to be protected from, but I still want to protect him from my own ugly thoughts. He was never the one to be emotionally abusive, it was always my older brother...my dad just takes it. It was something that didn't need to be said to him and now I can't take it back. Anyways, I'm not anti-vaccine, but I do wish that it would yeet me off of this planet. Quick and painless end is ideal. Then I wouldn't have to worry about any of this.
  14. I have recommended it on here before, but the listeners can be a mixed bag and can sometimes do more harm than good. Sometimes it can help, though. I believe you can also pay to talk to a trained therapist there, but I haven't tried it. Nowadays I prefer reddit (mental health subreddits) when dealing with immediate mental health crises. There tends to be a lot of people active and will respond pretty quickly. But then a lot of times your thread might just get lost in the middle and no one replies... I like DF for when I'm in a more stable form of depression/anxiety since I know the people responding. I also think it's fairly easy to integrate into the community here if you start off in one of the long-running threads. I literally never integrate into online communities...DF is the only one.
  15. Hard to express how thankful I am (for many reasons, not just what's happening today) that the US rejected my family for immigration and we ended up in Canada instead.
  16. Has anyone found their appetite has changed a lot since the pandemic started? Pre-pandemic, I was eating lemons almost every day. I could go through a bag of frozen cranberries in a night. Now I can't even think about doing that. I also used to dislike most banana-related food. Now I crave it all the time. Probably has something to do with vitamin deficiencies lol...
  17. That would be amazing but I don't imagine being able to be myself until certain people are gone. Some things have been happening lately that make me feel so utterly trapped in real life...much more than usual. I'm at a loss as to how to move forward. So lucid dreaming it is. Sleeping is a big chunk of life, so if I can derive pleasure from that, maybe waking life won't feel so absolutely miserable.
  18. Is it like real life? Any cool dreams you remember? Yeah, I don't wanna go on meds for this, but I wonder if there are supplements that would help. Can very depressed, anxious people lucid dream? The harder I try, the more nightmares I get, so I stop. Last night was...not good. I think your dream was telling you to go to the bathroom. There's an old prank that you put someone's hand in a glass of water while they're sleeping and it makes them wet the bed. Not sure if it's true or not, not gonna test it I tend to think of dreams as being a way to organize memories, and occasionally a dream will try to convey some kind of message. As in real life, things happen around me and I feel helpless to stop it. Maybe gaining control in dreams would help me feel more in control in real life.
  19. I hope everyone here is able to have a Merry Christmas or happy holidays, despite the narcs in our lives. I am so thankful for the support I've received here, it has meant a lot. Give the gift of self-care to yourself and keep contact with the narc(s) at a minimum
  20. My resolution for the New Year is to start lucid dreaming. I've tried to half-ass it before, and I'm pretty good with dream recall, so I'm not completely new to it. I've pretty much given up on real life getting better so I can at least try to have a good life in my dreams.
  21. Tired. Shoveled snow for 6 hours today (2 houses, yesterday we only did the 1). Soooo many cars got stuck in the roads because the stupid city didn't bother to send snow plows through the suburbs. We got stuck 3 times. I don't think I'll be able to move tomorrow. That wasn't the issue today. Physical pain is nothing. The mental scars of abuse...you think you're healing and they tear the scab right off. I'm so tired of living like this but everything is complicated...you remove one string and it tightens the knot on another. I wish it was just me, my younger brother, and Dad. That's all. That's my Christmas wish.
  22. My Christmas wish is very dark this year.
  23. Tired. 2-3 ft of snow to shovel at 3 houses and only me and my younger brother doing it.
  24. A 1-person rocket ship so I can be blasted directly into the sun. For science, of course.
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