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Kogent5

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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. Despite being sad to hear about your health issues and complications lately, it seems like you have a solid medical support team, which is such a rarity in this world. I hope everything settles down and you'll have be able to relax a bit.
  2. I am getting teary-eyed reading everyone's experiences with their dads. @Epictetus I think your last paragraph really encapsulates how difficult our relationships with family can be. I am very thankful for my dad, despite the ups and downs. Today we went to church together and then had Father's Day breakfast at a restaurant - the first time ever. In church we hugged (and he initiated it!). I listened to him talk about his life growing up while we ate, and we sat and talked a long time. It made me feel like I knew what a normal healthy family was like. I wish it was always like this. Well I'm bawling my eyes out now
  3. Thank you! Today a piece of broken wood from our fence was placed at our front steps. At this point I'm finding this obsessive. I know they're kids but it makes my skin crawl. Sometimes you just need days where you don't do anything. You're going through a lot so it makes sense to still be adjusting and not at your best. If it's an ongoing issue, I'll set a timer for 15 minutes and do as much chores as I can in that time. A little bit is better than nothing.
  4. Thanks, duck. I'm trying to keep things in perspective, but it's hard when my body is reacting at a 10/10 while my mind is saying "stop freaking out". I am very confused.
  5. I'm so sick of my neighborhood. Awful children, parents who just let them loose and don't care where they are or what they're doing, dog owners who let their untrained dogs out unleashed, no one cares about anyone. Sometimes (often lately) I go sit in a park on the opposite side of the city and it's crazy how peaceful it is, how respectful people are to each other, despite it being just outside of downtown and me being way out in the suburbs.
  6. Finally contacted cops again about neighborhood kids congregating in front of house and damaging fence. It's been 3 weeks and they've not let up. Fence looks awful. Now they are throwing garbage over. I am mentally exhausted and my panic attack symptoms showed up again (I think because I am worried about increased harrassment due to contacting cops). It's funny, because everything else in my life is going pretty well.
  7. I'm pretty sure my dad was depressed throughout my childhood. We very rarely did fun things (sometimes I would go with him to his janitorial jobs lol). But I appreciated him taking care of me. Your daughter will too.
  8. Try and keep driving. You don't want it to turn into a driving phobia. Start off with someone driving with you for a bit until you're feeling more back to normal. I guess i depends on your area, but walking/train/bus everywhere sucks!
  9. I think I'm officially the crazy lady in the neighborhood. Heard the kids outside yelling "this is the house!" a few times today. It sounds comical, but I have not been getting any good sleep and have huge bags under my eyes. The odd thing is, the past 2 weeks I've been more social than I have in 6 months. I don't like my thoughts when I'm alone. My therapist thinks I'm reacting to everything because I have complex PTSD, so that's nice.
  10. Floor, you are always such a great support here, I hope we can support you as you do what you need to do. Sometimes we gotta reach our bottom first before heading back up. Sending positive thoughts your way
  11. Yesterday I thought I was going to pass out on the train (the ride seems to trigger my attacks). Plus my tongue started going numb...so that's new This is absurd.
  12. Yeah, I guess I've been so stressed out it didn't even occur to me barely eating and sleeping for a week might affect my physical strength! I haven't pushed myself physically like that in a while and it felt really good other than the lightheadedness. I'm kind of wondering if I should take up some exercise to help me mentally. I've been taking Ativan the past few days and it really does nothing lol. Makes me a bit sleepy but even benadryl works better for that. I only had 14 pills and I'm down to 10 at this point. I would really like to deal with this without meds. I used to take zoloft but stopped working for me. Thanks for all the kind words, it means a lot
  13. The past 2 weeks have been so rough on my nerves. Even though I am very loner-ish, my only solace has been interacting with people, even strangers. So my brother and dad, my volunteer friend, bird-watching guy in my neighborhood. When I'm alone, the panic just swarms me. I had to help mow 3 lawns yesterday in sweltering weather and I've barely been eating so I felt dizzy and lightheaded by the time we were at the third lawn, but the physical exhaustion brought back my appetite a bit and I also had a good sleep. My therapist says there is something else that is going on with me that is causing me to react so strongly to kids being brats (vandalizing and harrassing brats, but not exactly adult thugs). All this effort to try and fix myself, in the meantime enduring the mental torture...sometimes it really doesn't seem worth it. I have really been down on myself and how I've handled things, but I don't hate myself. I still love myself. I hate this situation and how I'm reacting to it, but I don't hate myself.
  14. We only have neighbors on one side. It's cordial but I don't know them well. The way our houses are designed, they would have to be outside in their driveway to see the part of our fence that is damaged. This neighborhood is very much "mind your own business". The other side is a public path and then next to that is the parking lot for a condo building. Across the street in front is a back alley. Behind us is a main road but it is separated from us by the community border fence. So it's weirdly isolated but there's a lot of foot traffic and children that congregate here/in the parking lot. I feel like someone at the condo building may have seen something but I don't know how I'd even go about asking there as you need a keycard to enter.
  15. The fence was further damaged yesterday. It's one thing to bang on the door, but our fence is gonna be wrecked by the end of the month at this rate. I had to tell my dad because the cops showed up in the morning when I wasn't there (because of my police report about the fence, even though I specifically said I felt unsafe having cops show up at the house...) and dad had no idea what they were asking about. I feel so bad, he was really upset...I was trying to protect him and made things worse by keeping him in the dark. I also told my brother (the nice one). Me, him, and dad had a long conversation about what to do. Researching local security camera companies. Most of my panic symptoms have decreased just from talking with them. I didn't realize how much of a burden it is to carry all these negative feelings alone and how much telling someone would help. I probably need to do it more often. Is the problem solved? Not at all. But it is nice not feeling alone for the first time in a long time. Reading about neighbor harrassment/vandalism online is very disheartening. A lot of people deal with it for years and just end up moving because the cops can't/don't do anything. I didn't put out the garbage today, lest something happen to the bin.
  16. Today has been my worst day in years. Things just kept piling up today, one on top of the other, things I wasn't even thinking about. I was volunteering today and made a lot of mistakes. I have been trembling, hyperventilating, and having heart palpitations all weekend, but today was really bad. My leg even went numb for a bit. My therapist appointment is tomorrow and I feel an absolute wreck. I feel like how Shelly Duvall looks in The Shining...
  17. That is a good way to think of it. I've gone through so much worse, this is nothing. I have made a lot of progress the last few months and it's silly to negate it because of some brats.
  18. Completely stressed out. The last 4 days the neighborhood kids have been banging on the door and running away multiple times daily. Everytime it is so loud it scares the heck out of me. I have phoned non-emergency police and all they could say was install cameras and take note of when it happens. Then I've read from other people online that have dealt with this that getting cameras will only encourage them because then they know they're bothering me. These kids aren't that old so it's not like they'd be charged, and there's more than a few and I don't know where they live. I was having such a good couple of months and it's all been shattered. I haven't felt this bad in ages. I also have never felt this particular type of anxiety before. It's scary. I'm so used to being bullied by my older brother. It's weird being bullied by strangers, kids no less. If it was an adult I'd at least feel I could do something about it. But it's kids and "harmless mischief". Idk. I feel like an idiot for being this stressed out about this.
  19. I'm sorry @SailingSoul, this sounds like an extremely difficult situation. I'm praying that you and the baby's health turn out good.
  20. Thank you. Honestly, I'm so grateful for all the supportive replies from my DF peeps this week. Like truly, it has kept me from a complete breakdown. Man, I'm only 32 and at Carlin-level misanthropy I feel the same though. I've become less socially anxious as I've gotten older but I just want to be alone 90% of the time. I do wish there was someone who I wouldn't mind hanging out with all day. Haven't had that since high school.
  21. Violated is a good word for it. Cowardly me actually stuck up for myself and now I regret it because it probably made things worse. The thing I'm looking forward to next week is now my therapist appointment... I guess I feel I can't be picky about friends because (a) I have so few friends (b) It is hard making friends. My volunteer friend is the first I've made in over 7 years.
  22. Thank you. I really needed to hear this. If I could be as gently reassuring as the way you write, maybe I would actually be happy. I'm sorry your friends are not so understanding about your feelings and finances. I always prefer hanging out at someone's house over eating out at a trendy restaurant, but doesn't seem like my friends feel the same. Maybe need to pick up other depressed introverts as friends
  23. I came home and part of the top of our fence was smashed in. No way it was unintentional. I guess those kids didn't like me threatening to go to the police. I feel like crying but my body doesn't want to. Imma rest a bit and then go to the police station. I was so looking forward to next week and this week has been a nightmare
  24. My friends aren't the issue, it's me. They are supportive despite me disappearing for months at a time. I am the bad friend. I always feel like garbage because I always compare myself to them and don't know how to stop. I have a new therapist but don't have the same connection as my old therapist. After my old one, I am wary of trusting therapists now (which is probably not the best foundation for a therapeutic relationship...). Sorry, I'm rambling. I made a new friend in volunteering recently, but I haven't felt comfortable being vulnerable with any friends since high school.
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