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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. Dreamt I was in New York and people blamed me for pushing Lisa Kudrow and they all started chasing me. Then I ran through a park where people were pouring gasoline everywhere and setting it on fire, so I lost my chasers amidst the smoke and fire. Honestly, a pleasant and exciting dream lol. The only part of the dream I disliked was the very beginning (before the Lisa Kudrow part) where I was trying to make friends with neighbors and they rejected me Good dreams are nice but they're usually a harbinger for upcoming stress in real life, which did happen
  2. I hope they didn't stay too long, I don't particularly like having houseguests either (even under good circumstances).
  3. At my dad's pharmacy, they can sort out your daily pills into blister packs (for free) so you don't have to sort it yourself. Alternatively, you could get 7 of those weekly pill organizers and relabel each section for each pill. Then you have one pill organizer for each day of the week. Just sort them all out at the beginning of each week - like meal prep, but for meds.
  4. How I am feeling now is just the tip of the iceberg. What will likely be coming is going to be more than I've ever dealt with. I am very scared.
  5. Sonoma Creamery Bacon Cheddar Crisps. A bit pricy but they are so tasty and so much better than the freeze-dried cheeses I see more and more of. A good once-in-a-while snack. Also I bought a bunch of Easter candy at deep discount
  6. When I was referring to the insane/abusive part, it was more just getting perspective from outside of my toxic household lol. That wasn't a slight to mental health professionals My last therapist was kinda unprofessional and kooky (like she would eat her lunch during our sessions and tell me about her incontinence problems...), but I wish I had the ability to chat with her again and I still do use some of the techniques I learned with her. I'm looking for someone who does therapy via email, which I realize isn't ideal, but will have to do for my situation.
  7. For sure, I have a whole "mental health" youtube playlist lol. I will go watch it today. I'm just so depressing, and ppl are struggling here too. If you guys offer me support, I wanna be able to offer support as well, and I really just can't right now, so it feels unfair. I think after 2 years of this pandemic, I've reached my limit of "inner strength." What I need is someone' who's not insane/abusive to make my life decisions for me. I can't be trusted to make healthy decisions.
  8. Dad managed to deal with COVID okay but now on the tail-end of that, we find out his kidney disease has progressed to stage 4. I am so f'ing tired of everything. Can't even say he tried to make improvements in his life. He didn't, he won't even eat vegetables or cut back on coke or coffee. I really do believe there's happiness in life, just not for me. Sometimes people just have lives that are meant for suffering. I turn 35 soon and have nothing to show for it. I should've left home when I was 18 and not looked back. I would've told younger me to never sacrifice myself for family...it ain't worth it. They will take everything from you and still ask "what about me?" It is my brother's birthday today and I want to be happy for him but I'm just full of anger and bitterness.
  9. Researching "email counseling." Sounds stupid and like a way to steal money from the mentally ill tbh, but I have no privacy at my abusive home (i.e. webcam/phone is a no-go) and cannot go to therapy sessions like I used to. I'll at least try a few sessions. I really need to talk to someone with a non-judgmental outsider perspective. Losing my mind.
  10. Feeling intense shame and hopelessness. The future is so bleak. I am so ashamed of what I have "accomplished" in life. I know my friends think I am pathetic and weird. COVID ruined a life that I was just starting to pick up the pieces of. I can't just off myself because people depend on me. People who put their own needs first and could care less about what sacrifices I've had to make. This is torture. And yet I know I shouldn't complain. People have it much worse. Just makes me feel even more like a jerk. But this all feels like a prison, has felt like this for many years. I'd rather just get the chair at this point.
  11. Did you have any luck finding an online therapist?
  12. Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin Been listening to lots of songs from my childhood for comfort. Never knew this song was about ars-n and m--der. Been listening to it a lot still lol.
  13. On hold with Healthlink to ask for advice about my dad's face rash and they have THE MOST DEPRESSING MUSIC EVER. Dear Lord. Whoever chose it should be fired.
  14. It is abominably hot today, I am having difficulty breathing cuz the air feels so dense. What even is this
  15. Not at night, but during the daytime I have the heater or air purifier running, or I listen to white noise track on my computer. It's probably awful for the ears but it blocks out a lot of unpleasant things...
  16. Same. I'm supposed to live another 40-50 years on the very slim chance that something good might happen? Nothing's going to make up for all the trauma I've dealt with, I am so tired of it all.
  17. My family is beyond exhausted dealing with my older brother. Lately he says threatening things to my dad and then my dad urges him on, tells my brother to attack him. My dad is at his wits end but he still won't kick him out because he doesn't think he can care for himself. Everyone is terrified of my brother but he's just a coward...he's nothing but a coward. Too scared to live alone, expects everyone to do his bidding...he's garbage personified. But that's an insult to garbage. I wish someone would exorcise that demon out of our life.
  18. My brother's birthday is soon and mine soon after that. Mid-30s now and at this point I feel I've wasted my life entirely. I finished my final assignment for a class I'm taking - an assignment I've spent a ridiculous amount of time on - and just said to myself, "That was stupid and meaningless. No one will see this besides your teacher and he'll forget it right after he marks it. This isn't important work, it contributes nothing to the world. Why are you wasting your time? Why are you here?" So that's where I'm at...as if I'm so important that I deserve a hero's story or something. And then I remembered a depression test I had to answer in high school. I lied on that stupid test to seem not depressed and I STILL tested positive for mild depression. Meanwhile my friend got not depressed at all. Nothing changed for me, I just lie less about it now...
  19. I hear they're making a 4th SG series but I'm not falling for it I haven't watched Firefly but I also hear that's getting rebooted on Disney+. Everything old in sci-fi becomes new again!
  20. I watch very sad movies. If my depression is bad, even that won't help. I think it has something to do with not having compassion for myself but having it for others. Like it's wasted tears on me, but it makes sense to cry for people who are "worth it".
  21. The show that made me stop watching SyFy for 10 years because I was so angry they cancelled it
  22. Yay! Yeah, it has been nice to watch and take my mind off things too, I haven't had many "laugh out loud" moments the past year but I've done it several times with this show. Harry is relatable, and as the show goes on even the seemingly normal people do "abnormal" things. It seems to be settling down now and I really enjoyed episode 5, even the other characters get better.
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