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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. I wish my dumb brain would learn to differentiate instead of constantly being "CRISIS MODE" forever I wonder, even if I get out of my current situation, if things will actually get better, or my brain will just always be sad and anxious. Sigh.
  2. Unfortunately my family doesn't get along with them They're actually getting louder lol (day 8)...
  3. It's an Indian wedding. Most of my neighbors are South Asian, but in all my years living here I don't know anyone whose had celebrations this long or loud before. Fell asleep after midnight last night and I don't know how I did it, they were still going strong
  4. I have been struggling with ignoring my next-door neighbors multi-day wedding festivities but it has been so loud...they are on their sixth day now. It is like living next to a club from 6 to midnight. I have no idea how all of them aren't deaf at this point. My therapist says I need to differentiate between "unpleasant" and "catastrophic". This is "unpleasant". I have other issues that are much closer to catastrophic.
  5. Phoned local distress line for the first time today after some stuff happened. She didn't give me any new advice but just talking to someone helped me calm down a bit. If I could, I'd go to the hospital, but I have to look after my dad so that's not really a choice.
  6. Thanks, JD. Sorry to hear about your health problems but glad you're on the mend. I guess we just have to keep on, keepin' on.
  7. Thank you for always providing words of comfort, duck
  8. I was talking to my younger brother about dreams last night and he said he dreamed about places he's never been before, big and wide open spaces, and that he would be flying or running and could actually feel it. Meanwhile, I usually dream about our awful house, or places that are very crowded or cluttered. The only sense I usually have is hearing - usually loud bangs or yelling. A good dream can really mentally reset me but I get them so rarely. It makes me understand more why he seems, at least in some ways, more mentally resilient than me.
  9. I was hit by a car 10 years ago but got away with very minor injuries. If I had known life would be like this, I wish the driver would've finished the job. Probably won't get a chance like that again.
  10. Thinking about my cousin who died last year a month after her mom died. She had mental health issues and lived at home and was very close to her mom. They both died of pneumonia. I heard from other family that she just didn't want to live anymore after her mom died. And I think about how people can just get to such a desolate place that even their body gives up. I was so sad for my cousin but also for her brother and sisters too. I was wondering how much further down I would have to go to reach that point. I don't have much interest in fighting for my life anymore.
  11. I would like to hire someone for one year to take care of all my problems. A personal assistant on steroids. If I'm having issues with someone, they could act as an intermediary or stand-in. If I need an errand done, they'll go do it. They'll do the caregiving stuff for my Dad. They'll cook. They'll act as an as-needed therapist and life coach. They'll figure out ways for me to live a more efficient and happier life. They'll stand up for me when I'm being bullied. They'll help me achieve my goals. They'll be there next to me when I need support. They'll make sure things still get done even when I'm at my lowest. I would pay a lot of money for something like this.
  12. DoorDash delivered my food to the wrong house so I went to get it and now I'm worried that I'm gonna get accused of being a porch pirate...I left a note under an Amazon box that was also there but what if someone steals the Amazon box and then blames me... I'm genuinely worried I might get charged with a crime for this. I Googled it after and it said it's considered illegal trespassing even if the items are yours. Dear Lord...
  13. I recently started writing again because I came across this AI writing app. If I get stuck, I let the app write something (you can edit it afterwards if you're iffy on the idea of something else writing for you, but it doesn't matter for me since my stuff isn't publishable). It's fun, kinda like having another person to bounce off ideas. Often the stuff it comes up with is nonsensical but will trigger a light switch in my head. The app I use is Dreamily but I know there's a few others like AIDungeon or NovelAI. I watch walking videos on youtube to "transport" myself to places around the world (I like a channel called Rambalac because they do a lot of Japan walking vids).
  14. The Green Knight - 5/10 I was surprised how much I disliked it. I think I just don't get David Lowery's work (also didn't like A Ghost Story). Old Henry - 7.5/10 I hadn't heard about this movie but it's great! Highly recommend if you're into Westerns (fyi, there's some pretty violent scenes).
  15. Dreamt I was in New York and people blamed me for pushing Lisa Kudrow and they all started chasing me. Then I ran through a park where people were pouring gasoline everywhere and setting it on fire, so I lost my chasers amidst the smoke and fire. Honestly, a pleasant and exciting dream lol. The only part of the dream I disliked was the very beginning (before the Lisa Kudrow part) where I was trying to make friends with neighbors and they rejected me Good dreams are nice but they're usually a harbinger for upcoming stress in real life, which did happen
  16. I hope they didn't stay too long, I don't particularly like having houseguests either (even under good circumstances).
  17. At my dad's pharmacy, they can sort out your daily pills into blister packs (for free) so you don't have to sort it yourself. Alternatively, you could get 7 of those weekly pill organizers and relabel each section for each pill. Then you have one pill organizer for each day of the week. Just sort them all out at the beginning of each week - like meal prep, but for meds.
  18. How I am feeling now is just the tip of the iceberg. What will likely be coming is going to be more than I've ever dealt with. I am very scared.
  19. Sonoma Creamery Bacon Cheddar Crisps. A bit pricy but they are so tasty and so much better than the freeze-dried cheeses I see more and more of. A good once-in-a-while snack. Also I bought a bunch of Easter candy at deep discount
  20. When I was referring to the insane/abusive part, it was more just getting perspective from outside of my toxic household lol. That wasn't a slight to mental health professionals My last therapist was kinda unprofessional and kooky (like she would eat her lunch during our sessions and tell me about her incontinence problems...), but I wish I had the ability to chat with her again and I still do use some of the techniques I learned with her. I'm looking for someone who does therapy via email, which I realize isn't ideal, but will have to do for my situation.
  21. For sure, I have a whole "mental health" youtube playlist lol. I will go watch it today. I'm just so depressing, and ppl are struggling here too. If you guys offer me support, I wanna be able to offer support as well, and I really just can't right now, so it feels unfair. I think after 2 years of this pandemic, I've reached my limit of "inner strength." What I need is someone' who's not insane/abusive to make my life decisions for me. I can't be trusted to make healthy decisions.
  22. Dad managed to deal with COVID okay but now on the tail-end of that, we find out his kidney disease has progressed to stage 4. I am so f'ing tired of everything. Can't even say he tried to make improvements in his life. He didn't, he won't even eat vegetables or cut back on coke or coffee. I really do believe there's happiness in life, just not for me. Sometimes people just have lives that are meant for suffering. I turn 35 soon and have nothing to show for it. I should've left home when I was 18 and not looked back. I would've told younger me to never sacrifice myself for family...it ain't worth it. They will take everything from you and still ask "what about me?" It is my brother's birthday today and I want to be happy for him but I'm just full of anger and bitterness.
  23. Researching "email counseling." Sounds stupid and like a way to steal money from the mentally ill tbh, but I have no privacy at my abusive home (i.e. webcam/phone is a no-go) and cannot go to therapy sessions like I used to. I'll at least try a few sessions. I really need to talk to someone with a non-judgmental outsider perspective. Losing my mind.
  24. Feeling intense shame and hopelessness. The future is so bleak. I am so ashamed of what I have "accomplished" in life. I know my friends think I am pathetic and weird. COVID ruined a life that I was just starting to pick up the pieces of. I can't just off myself because people depend on me. People who put their own needs first and could care less about what sacrifices I've had to make. This is torture. And yet I know I shouldn't complain. People have it much worse. Just makes me feel even more like a jerk. But this all feels like a prison, has felt like this for many years. I'd rather just get the chair at this point.
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