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Kogent5

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Everything posted by Kogent5

  1. Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin Been listening to lots of songs from my childhood for comfort. Never knew this song was about ars-n and m--der. Been listening to it a lot still lol.
  2. On hold with Healthlink to ask for advice about my dad's face rash and they have THE MOST DEPRESSING MUSIC EVER. Dear Lord. Whoever chose it should be fired.
  3. It is abominably hot today, I am having difficulty breathing cuz the air feels so dense. What even is this
  4. Not at night, but during the daytime I have the heater or air purifier running, or I listen to white noise track on my computer. It's probably awful for the ears but it blocks out a lot of unpleasant things...
  5. Same. I'm supposed to live another 40-50 years on the very slim chance that something good might happen? Nothing's going to make up for all the trauma I've dealt with, I am so tired of it all.
  6. My family is beyond exhausted dealing with my older brother. Lately he says threatening things to my dad and then my dad urges him on, tells my brother to attack him. My dad is at his wits end but he still won't kick him out because he doesn't think he can care for himself. Everyone is terrified of my brother but he's just a coward...he's nothing but a coward. Too scared to live alone, expects everyone to do his bidding...he's garbage personified. But that's an insult to garbage. I wish someone would exorcise that demon out of our life.
  7. My brother's birthday is soon and mine soon after that. Mid-30s now and at this point I feel I've wasted my life entirely. I finished my final assignment for a class I'm taking - an assignment I've spent a ridiculous amount of time on - and just said to myself, "That was stupid and meaningless. No one will see this besides your teacher and he'll forget it right after he marks it. This isn't important work, it contributes nothing to the world. Why are you wasting your time? Why are you here?" So that's where I'm at...as if I'm so important that I deserve a hero's story or something. And then I remembered a depression test I had to answer in high school. I lied on that stupid test to seem not depressed and I STILL tested positive for mild depression. Meanwhile my friend got not depressed at all. Nothing changed for me, I just lie less about it now...
  8. I hear they're making a 4th SG series but I'm not falling for it I haven't watched Firefly but I also hear that's getting rebooted on Disney+. Everything old in sci-fi becomes new again!
  9. I watch very sad movies. If my depression is bad, even that won't help. I think it has something to do with not having compassion for myself but having it for others. Like it's wasted tears on me, but it makes sense to cry for people who are "worth it".
  10. The show that made me stop watching SyFy for 10 years because I was so angry they cancelled it
  11. Yay! Yeah, it has been nice to watch and take my mind off things too, I haven't had many "laugh out loud" moments the past year but I've done it several times with this show. Harry is relatable, and as the show goes on even the seemingly normal people do "abnormal" things. It seems to be settling down now and I really enjoyed episode 5, even the other characters get better.
  12. Trying to take solace that I will die eventually, whether I do anything or not. And if I'm lucky there will not be any garbage to deal with like an afterlife or reincarnation and I'll just be done. So I just have to exist until I'm dead. And that's something I can do
  13. For sure check it out! I know I sound a bit down on it, but the parts that I like I really like and I've watched the first few episodes a few times already.
  14. Resident Alien. Alan Tudyk is great and I love the alien-masquerading-as-human trope, but everything else is meh. Plus it's on SyFy so they'll probably cancel it
  15. It's hypervigilance. Not just your mind, but your body is so used to being on alert for the next high-stress situation. My previous therapist told me I need to self-soothe mentally (tell yourself there is no danger, watch a calming video, listen to some nice music) and physically (figure out what part of your body is reacting and soothe it, so this might include stroking your chest, hugging a pillow, curling your toes). I am terrible at this, but maybe it will work for you.
  16. I just want to stop caring about everything and everyone. I'm so tired of this.
  17. Vampire Hunter Volume 29 - I don't ever expect anything groundbreaking from this series but it's a comfort read. This volume might be the only one I've disliked. Irritating supporting characters and dumb logic throughout. The Gooseberry - a book from my tween years that I always thought was set in Australia but it's actually in the UK. It's my toilet read. I'm on page 48.
  18. Everything good feels impossible. Like squeezing blood from a stone. The idea that if you keep at it, eventually it will all be worth it, rests on the idea that life is inherently just, which is just not true for many people. I know why I make the sacrifices I do, but in the end I know I won't have anything to show for it besides a failed life. All of this effort and struggle so I can maintain someone else's crappy standard of living because they won't do anything to improve their own situation...there's no happy out for me, every choice I make comes with at least one devastating consequence.
  19. After not having played in several years, I decided to start playing Solitaire again. I used to think I was really good at it as a kid, but it turns out I suck - really bad! I must've used to play an easy version or something. Ugh.
  20. Bernie was given the mittens for free by a teacher in his state. I remember because I tweeted her a year ago when they first got popular. From what I understand, the teacher doesn't have the time to make more of them although she has been flooded with requests. I am glad Bernie used the internet fame to help Meals on Wheels, it is what I expect of him. He is pretty much the only part of US politics I am jealous about.
  21. Honestly, I never know how my family will react. The last time I was really honest to my Dad was ten years ago, when I told him I was on zoloft because the family situation was so bad. I thought maybe he'd understand, but instead him and my younger brother had an intervention to get me to stop using it because they thought I'd become an addict. There was never talk about how to improve the situation or support me. So I feel less bad today. I'm on my own and that's okay, it'll make leaving easier.
  22. Probably the therapy part would be my least favorite part, I've always been apprehensive about the idea of group therapy (maybe that's proof I actually need to try it). Apparently there are such things as adult summer camps, but I'd prefer knowing everyone I'm with is dealing with mental health issues too. I'm okay being stuck in the mountains, maybe I'll get lucky and get eaten by a bear As long as I can hide in my room if I'm not feeling well, I think it'll be okay.
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