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About Kogent5

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  1. Thank you for all your input! I'll give my perspective then. Walking on eggshells all the time. Even simple tasks like getting groceries delivered become difficult because the abuser is always there and nothing you do is ever right. A captive audience to his tantrums that can't escape. Even going for walks is a no-no because it will send him into a rage. I am in my room 99% of the time. You think everything is fine and then suddenly it is not. You are to blame for the lack of toilet paper, bottled water, paper towels at the store. Why didn't you plan better? But he will not lift a finger to help. No remorse. A truly evil being. I have not had suicidal ideation in a long time and have been feeling it coming back. Only 3 weeks in and I am scared I will crack before I can escape. It is my fault for dilly-dallying with moving out. Now I have to endure this for who knows how many months. Idiot.
  2. I just finished watching Good Time. Everything I heard about it was that it's like an anxiety or panic attack. And then I watched it and it's not even close to my general anxiety level lmao. At the back of my head I kept thinking, "Is this what functioning people think is anxiety-inducing?" Anyways, great movie 👍
  3. So many little things I took for granted... - volunteering - taking public transit - wandering around downtown - window shopping - eating at restaurants (that includes fast food joints) After things settle down, I would like to... - go on a trip by myself - move out - get a car
  4. The intense guilt I feel every time I want to do something for myself that might unintentionally hurt my family.
  5. I'd like to be obliterated from existence, from history. If there was a way for no one to ever remember I even existed, most of my anxiety would go away. I want an escape route that leaves no guilt or pain.
  6. Like a glass that was already filled to the brim but here comes my family to add more of their **** water...
  7. I want to cry. This is already awful and it's only been a little over a week. My family is so toxic. I asked my brother to throw out the mounds of cardboard boxes he left in my Dad's room to reduce the risk of my Dad having an asthma attack, and he refused and blamed my other brother for taking over downstairs. And this is supposed to be the good, reasonable brother (although how much reason can you expect from a hoarder). He's had 2 screaming matches (one with each of my brothers) in the last week alone. My Dad's BP spiked and he was having blurry vision. It's settled now but this happened at the beginning of the year as well. I do not want him to go to the doctor or even worse the hospital. It's just garbage piled on garbage (literally and figuratively in my family's case). I see people going through this only mildly inconvenienced and it just makes me angry. After everything settles down, all my problems remain.
  8. I'd be less pissed off if he actually lifted a finger to help. Nope! Me and my other brother are the ones shovelling snow, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning. He is the one content to complain loudly when the food isn't up to his standards. Meanwhile he sits on his *** in front of the computer all day. And I can't say **** because then my Dad gets mad at me for fighting, as if I was the one who instigated it! As far as the US government, Americans have someone who has been fighting for decades for M4A, paid sick leave, guaranteed housing. But looks like he's not gonna be the candidate. Instead you're gonna get the guy with obvious signs of cognitive decline vs the guy with obvious signs of COVID19 who still insists on shaking hands with people. The super-rich are flying off to their underground bunkers to wait this out. Trillions are suddenly being spent to prop up the stock market but none can be given for sick leave, health care, housing. How is every adult in America not saying "we can do much better"? I don't get it. Not that Canada is much better, especially my ridiculous province 🙄 Sorry, don't like to get political but I'm very angry and frustrated at everyone the past few days.
  9. Well they said to stock up on 2 weeks worth of supplies in case of self-quarantine. I made a donation to our local food bank because I feel guilty for also taking part in this. I am trying not to eat so much so less trips to the store, but I massively want to stress eat right now 😩 Tried grocery delivery, half of the stuff was out of stock. My brother (who is already a paranoid conspiracy theorist) is just at the starting line of craziness. I am terrified of where this is going. I can see him locking himself up in the basement with all of our canned goods. Trying to stay calm and failing miserably.
  10. This is all scary and terrifying and a lot of people don't seem to be taking it seriously. I have just left my volunteer position to keep my Dad safe (and he was the one getting mad at me for going!). But he's not taking any precautions himself! My best friend is still going to travel in Asia next month. My volunteer place focuses on seniors and I think it is a powderkeg waiting to be lit. I am terrified for all these people I care about and don't know what to do. The line between hysteria and preparedness is blurred to me. The groceries are full of people at closing time. Everyone is tense and moody. No rubbing alcohol or disinfectant wipes or hand sanitizer anywhere (and none online for a reasonable price). I want Canada to have a travel ban on everywhere tbh.
  11. I have decided to cut back on volunteering, possibly stop altogether. It is pretty much the one thing that has made me realize my life isn't over yet. I am devastated but have to think of Dad. My resentment is building up rapidly - I am supposed to decrease time outside but it's okay if he goes out...
  12. Alternating between Doja Cat and Hootie & The Blowfish 😅
  13. The thing is, I am internal! I've been volunteering there for several years and the hiring manager (my volunteer supervisor!) told me about that position a full month before it opened. I had told him that he knew I was severely underqualified, but he kept saying "oh we can train you" and that I should apply, to the point I felt obligated to try even though I felt no confidence. This tortured me for 2 months. I absolutely love where I volunteer and would've loved to work there. I didn't mind not being hired...but I wasn't even worth an interview when my supervisor is the hiring manager and he urged me to apply...that's how useless I am. I am at zero confidence right now and zero trust of people. Thank you for your kind words. Right now I'm just going to accept my physical feelings about this as they are and try not to think too much.
  14. Devastated and feel childish because of it. I didn't get that job I wanted. I didn't even get an interview. Why encourage me? Why raise my hopes and I wasn't even close to what you wanted? It's sadistic. All he had to do was agree with me that I wasn't qualified. I don't expect to be the first person someone thinks of, but I'm not even a footnote to certain people I think of a lot. I'm probably high up on the list of marks they can get to do work for them, though. I'm like a dog, just waiting to please them. They don't respect me and I don't respect myself.
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