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About Kogent5

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  1. Me too! I feel like anhedonia is the body's way of protecting us from intense feelings, but it's results are horrific. The feelings are all there but under the surface. I haven't cried in 2 months although I've been slipping into deep depression. I don't even care about being happy right now. I just want to have some positive meaning in life because right now i don't see the point of it.
  2. I wish I could turn back time to when I was 18, but with the knowledge I have now. So many things I would change.
  3. My therapist keeps saying I am overreacting to children. Even if I tell myself that, it doesn't make it hurt less. It is my Dad's house and he does not want police involved. I started this mess but I cannot end it. I feel immense guilt.
  4. Last night, someone - I assume the same kids who have been damaging the fence - uprooted one of the peony bushes my Mum had planted. It's gone. I am already in a sullen mood because it will be 2 days to her birthday and I miss her. I hate my neighborhood and I hate these people. I want to cry but I'm in the library. I feel sad and numb lately. Life is just pain right now.
  5. Incompetent. Over stuff that wasn't my doing. This is ridiculous. I don't understand people who are having a good day but also feel the need to put you down? Do you really need that extra boost by putting me down? I'm so mad right now.
  6. Dude! Internet high five! I am so happy for you! An amazing snowball effect can happen just by saying "yes" to one thing. Please keep posting updates, it actually makes me really happy to read 😊
  7. I have been decluttering for the last few years and it is very difficult to get rid of physical reminders of my childhood. They say to take a scan/photo, but even that is too much for me. Keeping diaries is a good thing imo and something always recommended by my therapists. Not sure if it's depression (probably), but my memory for lots of things in life is awful (especially for positive things). It's nice to have a reminder. When I start feeling nostalgic, it's like a danger signal to NOT go down that spiral. It starts off feeling happy watching old cartoons and children's shows and suddenly I'm thinking about how much time has passed and I'll never be so happy and carefree again. Often I get nostalgic for times that were awful (e.g. university), probably because at least I still had the hope of youth back then.
  8. The last week I've gone to places where there was a good chance I would run into people I've spent years avoiding out of shame. I ended up seeing 2 people. I didn't say hi or even smiled - one of them we stared at each other for like 5 seconds - and that was it! No one started questioning me, no one came to berate me. What was the point of spending years terrified of running into people? Everything was okay after. I was okay. It felt like closure for a time of my life that still felt raw. Hiding away is the worst mistake I've made in the last 7 years. But now it's time to move forward.
  9. Yes! Not only are we not supposed to be proud of the progress we've made, but we should be ashamed of the situation we are currently in (as if we haven't spend much of our time beating ourselves up mentally). The people that encourage me are on DF. So I'm gonna be thankful and keep moving forward with my progress and my goals and be proud of myself, even if they aren't. I hope you will too.
  10. Sometimes, I just want to hear from someone IRL, "I know you've been pushing yourself and trying really hard. I'm really proud of you." In completely unrelated news, i went out with my friends tonight and my self-esteem will probably be very bad tomorrow.
  11. Volunteering is making me feel very incompetent at both what I do there and how I socialize. I'm pushing myself on both fronts but failing miserably. My only friend there who has been volunteering less than a year already is way more trusted and liked than I am. If I can't even handle volunteering, I don't think that bodes well for living a normal life...
  12. I feel like the only milestones I hit are the unavoidable depressing ones. Tried to google how to find friends who are losers like me, instead got a bunch of links for how to ditch loser friends because they're dragging you down. Dear Lord...maybe I should be looking for people who were abandoned because they got in the way of their friends' success. I understand getting rid of toxic people in your life, but a lot of these "life coaches" are saying to get rid of friends who lack ambition. Idk, it just seems sociopathic. I'm probably being too sensitive.
  13. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Dealing with an abusive mentally ill sibling can cause so much pain. Would you be able to get your brother to help out? I am wondering if maybe the three of you would be able to get new living arrangements together and split the rent. Maybe even staying at a cheap airbnb once in a while just to sleep somewhere clean. I am always worried my older brother will hurt my dad (my dad will not kick him out). And my current (and previous therapist) have bluntly said, "That is not your problem. If he hurts someone, then what? The police will get involved and maybe he will finally get the mental help he needs." It is such a hard thing to accept and the idea of not caring is so difficult. But you are still young. You don't want to end up like me. It only gets worse the longer it goes on. There might be caregiver support groups in your area. Making friends is good, making friends you can be truthful with about your life is better. And people here at DF are so supportive, you will always have a listening ear here. Not sure if you're seeing one already, but many therapists work on a sliding scale and your school should have counselors to talk to. Can I ask where are you located? Maybe someone here will know some services or organizations that will be able to help you. You are dealing with so much alone, and you shouldn't be. You should be very proud of getting your bachelor's despite everything you are going through. That is not an easy feat, but you did it! You have a lot of positive qualities and you are not your family. Sending positive thoughts your way
  14. What kind a person is still bullying 12 years after high school? A sociopath! I don't care how he looks on fb, guaranteed people hate him. I'm sorry you still have to deal with that turd. No matter how you guage success, at least you are not the type of person who treats others like that. A lot of people here (myself included) struggle with our looks. I am low-key in love with my volunteer supervisor. He is 20+ years older than me and is the human embodiment of an egg 😀 But he is kind and funny and genuine. Certainly much more attractive than some jerk harrassing people out of his car.
  15. My friends are living their best lives and meanwhile my brain is falling apart. I know people tend to only tell you the good things in their life and stuff like that, but there are limits. I guarantee none of them would trade places with me. I'm just done with life. Everytime I try or things seem to be improving, something unexpectedly bad happens and it's like getting pushed off a tightrope.
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