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About Kogent5

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  1. Thank you. Honestly, I'm so grateful for all the supportive replies from my DF peeps this week. Like truly, it has kept me from a complete breakdown. Man, I'm only 32 and at Carlin-level misanthropy πŸ˜… I feel the same though. I've become less socially anxious as I've gotten older but I just want to be alone 90% of the time. I do wish there was someone who I wouldn't mind hanging out with all day. Haven't had that since high school.
  2. Violated is a good word for it. Cowardly me actually stuck up for myself and now I regret it because it probably made things worse. The thing I'm looking forward to next week is now my therapist appointment... I guess I feel I can't be picky about friends because (a) I have so few friends (b) It is hard making friends. My volunteer friend is the first I've made in over 7 years.
  3. Thank you. I really needed to hear this. If I could be as gently reassuring as the way you write, maybe I would actually be happy. I'm sorry your friends are not so understanding about your feelings and finances. I always prefer hanging out at someone's house over eating out at a trendy restaurant, but doesn't seem like my friends feel the same. Maybe need to pick up other depressed introverts as friends πŸ˜€
  4. I came home and part of the top of our fence was smashed in. No way it was unintentional. I guess those kids didn't like me threatening to go to the police. I feel like crying but my body doesn't want to. Imma rest a bit and then go to the police station. I was so looking forward to next week and this week has been a nightmare 😒
  5. My friends aren't the issue, it's me. They are supportive despite me disappearing for months at a time. I am the bad friend. I always feel like garbage because I always compare myself to them and don't know how to stop. I have a new therapist but don't have the same connection as my old therapist. After my old one, I am wary of trusting therapists now (which is probably not the best foundation for a therapeutic relationship...). Sorry, I'm rambling. I made a new friend in volunteering recently, but I haven't felt comfortable being vulnerable with any friends since high school.
  6. All my good feelings of the past couple months have unraveled and I am distraught. Welp 😦 Once again triggered by contact with friends. Someone tell me again how socialization helps with depression...
  7. Yeah I think so too (they were so young so I don't want to believe it) 😣 I hope them knowing I know what they look like will keep them away. Plus now they know I can be at home but not open the door. Will need security system stickers and a security cam now urgh...
  8. I am used to neighborhood kids playing in our driveway, but today there were these 3 young tweenish boys (11-13 maybe). They knocked first, I didn't answer cuz I have an awful sunburn peeling off and I look ghoulish. They were making a lot of noise, and then they tried jiggling the door handle. At this point I got scared because I was alone. Then I heard them messing around with the basement window so I finally went outside to confront them. There were two smaller boys by the window and a bigger boy at the front of my yard (lookout?). One of the smaller boys was carrying this big plastic pipe! Their excuse was they thought it was their friend's house. I said if I saw them on the property again I'd call the cops. I wish I'd just done it. I honestly think there were more of them too. Some of the stuff under the front steps had been pulled out, but they said it was some other kids. Very scary and my chest hurts from anxiety but I also feel foolish being so scared since I'm a small Asian woman but was bigger than all of them. I hope they'll just stay away now that they know I've seen their faces. Anyways, I just needed to vent because my mind is still racing...like what if this is some Oliver Twist type situation? Ugh.
  9. A bit sad today. Ran into a friend of my Mum's today. I like her a lot, but I think she's grown to dislike me and I could feel it radiating off of her. What else is new with my relationships... Issues with breathing and heart palpitations this week. Hyperventilating today which points to anxiety attack. Frustrating since I have mentally felt well the last little bit, but seems like my body is not there yet.
  10. Thanks, I read up on it and it does explain my experience. I still find my voice nasally and grating, but no longer cringe hearing it. The video diaries and singing out loud has helped a lot. I also generally have a disconnect between how I perceive myself and how others perceive me. I just turned 32 and only now figuring out that maybe I'm not an annoying monstrous bridge troll. Congratulations on your first streams! You've done the hardest part (i.e. starting). I think you can put away the "cowardly" label now πŸ™‚
  11. Since November, I have started doing little video diaries of myself as a way to help me come to terms with my "ugliness". While this has helped me a lot with that, it's also had the side effect of realising I also kind of like myself. Even if I'm not good looking, I'm funny and cute just talking to myself. So I recommend trying to do those first as a test-run for Twitch - if you like yourself, then other people will like you too (and this might take a bit of time, because I initially really disliked rewatching my videos and found myself irritating). Also, you don't have to show your face on Twitch, so if anything weird happens, you can just disappear into the Ether lol.
  12. The MarΓ­as - ABQ (I just found this group and I them) Continuing on The Smiths/Morissey theme, I had to delete The Smiths - Asleep from my mp3 player this week because that song really made me feel some kinda way and it was actually putting me back into a depression. What a heartwrenching and beautiful song
  13. Meh, don't worry too much about the IQ test. You have been struggling mentally and that is going to have a huge impact on your ability to focus on other things (also the lack of sleep). My brain can't do squat when I'm sleep deprived. IQ tests are a poor way to evaluate someones intelligence, anyhow. I'll take your degree as a sign of your intelligence over any IQ test. I spent the better portion of last year and the year before waking up drenched in anxiety. A lot of times the first thought in my head would be "I hate myself", and I absolutely believed it. The last 1-2 months I ask myself "Do I love me?" And the surprising answer is yes! It is a very surreal feeling. Things can change.
  14. I was feeling good about how I look and then I got home and noticed I had lipstick smudged all on my chin, probably for at least 4 hours since I ate that croissant...welp. Shudda been carrying a mirror! I feel pretty stable the last little while.
  15. I don't feel bad or good. I feel neutral. I have been seeing a sensorimotor therapist for 2 months now. She is helping me "listen" to my body. Sometimes I will say "I'm so sad" and I'm not or "I'm so happy" and I'm not...my body and brain aren't in tune. I barely talk about my history during a session - this is not like CBT at all! She's more interested in how my body reacts when I'm talking instead of what I'm talking about. I don't like her anywhere near as much as my old therapist, but I feel I'm making more progress with her. I've always seen my therapists as substitute friends, but I don't feel like that with her. She does things that irritate me - like yawn or look at the clock or go off on weird tangents. It's interesting having a therapist I've no strong desire to please.
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