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deepbleu

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About deepbleu

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 11/07/1989

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Greater London
  1. deepbleu

    Let it be...

    Sometimes I wish she'd let it be... I know she cares. And it's a nice thought. But when I've struggled all day to keep going, telling myself to just put one foot in front of the other, and when I've resisted the urge to remove myself from the equation and throw the towel in...when I've battled as much as I can battle...all day, every second, not giving into the thoughts I sometimes have... And she looks at me, tears in her eyes and says she wishes I was doing more than "just existing", she wishes I could want more for myself... I wish she'd just let it be...
  2. I haven't been on here in ages. Not sure what brings me back. Probably the recurrent thought I keep having that I wish I was dead. I don't want to **** myself. I just want to be dead. Or if we're asking for things, then I actually want to not exist at all. I am going on holiday in a few weeks. I had the thought that...wouldn't it be great if I never came back? If something happened to me while I was away. And I never had to return to this life of mine, where I have little to no friends, even less ambition, and am just an overall really pathetic person... I thought of my brother who is engaged. And then I thought of my sister who is engaged. I thought of how much they encourage me and how happy they are in their lives. I thought of my mum who is always telling me she loves me and almost pleading with me with her eyes when she says it not to do anything 'stupid'. She worries all the time that I'll take matters into my own hands at some point... Then I thought of my little sister, who for some reason, I have no idea...still looks up to me... I really thought of my death and what it would do to this family... I realised it wouldn't be great if something happened to me. It wouldn't be great for this family. This time last year we lost someone very dear to our family, and it still cuts me up inside to think about her... You never get over the death of someone you love. But...I can't stop wanting it. I keep thinking... I want death. I want to die. I want to be dead. I can't stop wanting it I can't stop wanting it I can't stop wanting it Time moves on, and I go up and down, but the point remains that I am stuck, Living a life I wish was never given to me.
  3. Hungry but can't be bothered to find something to eat.. Sent from my SM-G903F using Tapatalk
  4. Up and down, up and down. More down than ups, more extreme downs than ups but still up and down. Sent from my SM-G903F using Tapatalk
  5. Sent some emails, managed two meals, had a bath. Sent from my SM-G903F using Tapatalk
  6. Sent a few emails, managed two small meals and had a bath. Sent from my SM-G903F using Tapatalk
  7. I've not been very active on here for almost a year so this is the first I am seeing of this. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my blog. I am not over my anger with God but I do hope one day I will be. I prefer to receive feedback from someone who knows God in my ranting as one day it would be nice to be able to answer the questions of somebody else who feels as angry and confused as myself. It is exactly that kind of experience that makes me think God must be real (a four year old asking you a question that helps you renew your faith). Thanks again.
  8. Depends on the day but I'm thinking 3-4 times a day on average. Some days I hurt so much I spend the entire day thinking about how nice it would be to not exist. On other days I just think about it wmfrom time to time or when something even vaguelly unpleasant happens that makes me think I'd rather die than deal with it.
  9. I actively avoid the news and only find out what's going on through word of mouth. Yes I know lots of terrible things are going on in the world. But me knowing about it really doesn't help.
  10. God.. I feel so angry. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt this. My anger. Wrath. Fury. Or even half. Of what I feel. Because I trusted you. And hung on to you But I've since had to question Who holds my best interests... I mean I really really struggled And struggled Because I believed You'd make it all alright Eventually Wanted to get out of the depths of despair that held me Bound Tightly Suffocating It was ******* me I lost myself I craved for the end of me Life went on I hated that it did Low moments Lower than low moments So low I couldn't believe it was possible to be so low and still be living Why won't you save me I pleaded I asked Requested I held on to you as my only refuge And you kept me there The only help I saw was help to stay A little longer in the situation that was ******* me I turned Self destructive Hating Isolating Fearing Close to death several times You kept telling me to stay Did you really care for me I still have the scars Self inflicted pain I caused myself Faded But there nonetheless I ask again Did you actually care About my feelings my mentality The way I felt inside About myself About my life If you did Why would you tell me to stay If not to finish me off When I could take no more I simply walked out And the freedom was immense Did you really need to keep me In such tragedy Just to have me call for you Cos now I don't feel that I can count on you Your will? What if its no good for me Almost finishes me Again Around me I see people clinging on to you I both envy them And I don't envy them I envy that they can trust in you Have hope in you I don't envy the way they don't question you They go without much for years without so much as a raised brow I watch them But I don't want that I can't have that I shan't seek that I need to know when I'm trusting in you That your idea of ok Is along the same lines of mine Not unbearable pain Dreaded mornings A tortured mind Those things don't fit into my idea of okay Everything wasn't ok I don't regret being there In that situation Because it made me who I am A little clearer about what I am and am not prepared to battle with but neither do I appreciate being there It almost finished me off And right now I wish You'd tell me Why I want you to make it all clear for me If you're real the way I think you are Then save me From my anger From these thoughts destined to destroy me I'm not being deliberately defiant But I am angry Because when I used all my strength to trust you And I put my all in you And when my trust in you almost finished me You still didn't free me.
  11. I'm taking it in my stride..

  12. Have a conversation with my employer about time off. Not going to be easy to do because of the nature of my job but its unavoidable. I sort of feel I shouldn't write this down in case I put it off and feel like crap for doing so afterwards.
  13. Disappointed, annoyed, alone. Wishing I could close my eyes and sleep forever.
  14. Mum's angry with me. She was worried yesterday when I didn't call or text to say I was going somewhere before I came home. I don't see what the problem was. I told her I was coming home on Saturday and she called me on Saturday evening in tears because I'd missed her three previous phone calls and still wasn't home. I told her the day wasn't over yet. I didn't understand why she was so upset. She had no need to get in such a state. Now she's barely talking to me. Strutting around in silence. Because I admitted that part of the reason I didn't text was because I felt she would call and tell me to come to church when I didn't want to come to church. ****** hell - it's so suffocating. I'm almost 25 years old. I don't even really live here anymore. I come and stay on the weekends and honestly I don't need this. My life sucks. I ended up injuring myself after she finally cut her silence and had a go. My best friend was telling me to stay for dinner. I told her no. Mum's already a bit upset, I should go home. I should have stayed. I suck. I totally suck. Haven't been on this forum for ages. Firstly because I was doing so badly and I was tired with this forum not solving everything. I'm unreasonable like that. And then I still didn't come back because I started to improve. But now I'm somewhere in between. Mum's angry. She won't be encouraging me anymore, I can tell. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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