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helter skelter

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Everything posted by helter skelter

  1. I just wanted to thank everyone very much for the thoughtful replies. I thought my post was deleted because of content but turns out just moved from General to here. I have pulled back a bit from my compulsions but still struggle with it.
  2. A few months ago I started talking to a guy I met through a dating app. We eventually met in person and started a sexual relationship. I was infatuated with how good-looking he was. When he contacted me I would feel high, and when we were in bed I would feel wanted, attractive, and alive. But I would often leave our get-togethers feeling empty and depressed. I knew he didn't have deep feelings for me past friends-with-benefits, and I wanted something with more emotions and connection. I cut it off eventually, but I missed him and actually felt heartbroken. Or rather, I was heartbroken that he didn't care enough and missed what I wished we had - a genuine connection and attraction to each other. Although I told myself I would just be alone and work on myself and my depression, I still feel a compulsion towards online dating, internet porn, and the high of being sexually desired. I don't feel happy or even "normal" unless there is someone who is regularly contacting me for sex or dates. Then I often wonder why I continue to pursue these meaningless hookups and feel extremely tired, ashamed, and lonely. I don't feel that my personality is enough to captivate interest, so sex is a natural medium to get what I feel is missing, but no matter how many men express superficial interest, I know it will never really fulfill me. Ultimately, I am an empty vessel. This is due in part to aging. My self-esteem has never been that high. And my looks have always been below-average to average, but I am turning 30 in 3 months and I am feeling like my worth as a woman will go down in society and in my mind. I don't know how to change or stop what is becoming an addiction to sex.
  3. Happy Birthday! You said something that really rang. Instead of trying to unrealistically rid ourselves of pain, sometimes we just have to come to terms with the fact that it exists, and move through life in spite of it. Life is still worth living and emotions are still worth feeling. Keep getting better.
  4. Sometimes it can be healthy to buy something that sparks joy in your life and you will make good use of for a long time. It sounds like you are making an effort to live within your means and that is important. If you really wanted it and it helps your quality of life then you shouldn't feel guilty.
  5. Any career change will require very small goals being met day to day. It seems to me that you are being way too hard on yourself. Where you are now is exactly that, there is no need to feel guilty or anxious. You have a good idea of your goals and there is nothing wrong with a transition period to get you back on your feet. I can relate, but for now, I am too tired to post more.
  6. You could say I had a very full summer, between working, visiting family in a different state, and going out on a motorcycle trip planned with a friend last weekend. Then fall semester started right after, and since I work in education, I'm interacting with people all day. I know I should be grateful for the people in my life, but I feel exhausted and burnt out. I don't want to see anyone or exert energy, although I put up a friendly face for work. I feel almost angry that I had no time to myself, and it is like I am losing my sense of identity and cohesiveness. Sometimes I look at certain strangers and feel that I can see the life in them, their uniqueness and personality. But I am unable to feel my own anymore. I don't know if I am depressed or just burnt out. I stopped medication over a year ago. Things were getting better. But in the past few months I have self-harmed a few times when my inability to deal with life became unbearable. I barely make enough at my full-time job to get by and still rely partly on my parents at age 29. I know I should be getting my act together and reaching for my larger goals but when I think about it I freeze up and get down. Does anyone understand?
  7. Thank you for posting your story.
  8. Beneath the surface simmers violent silence.
  9. I gotta say I feel just the same. I'm really glad you posted, thank you. I think I am depressed from a mixture of the most traumatic and learned behavior of my childhood, mixed with the the exact sentiments of how you feel about modern society and what is expected of us. In addition, even the life I "want" to live to succeed in this rat race seems out of reach. A bleak perspective of the world as well as your own competency and ability to function within it definitely breeds depression. I also feel a bit guilty since like you, I have the "basic necessities and a little more." However, a great quote about depression but not sure who said it first: "Saying someone can't be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone can't be happy because someone else may have it better."
  10. Does anyone else have disturbing dreams? For example, I had two dreams where I was a m*rderer. Don't worry, I'm not in real life. It didn't show how I did it, but I knew I did k*ll multiple people and had anxiety of being found out. I've also dreamt of my having pets that became monsters. Would be curious to hear what others have and why.
  11. I'm happy you decided to go it. Even though you rationally knew that fb was not a "real" tie to her, symbolically, it still meant a lot to you. Props.
  12. I am too tired to offer ideas but I think it is a good brainchild and I hope you put it into motion. And thank you.
  13. I attended a support group for sexual abuse victims which was very helpful until some b*tch took out her anger on me. Went to a depression support group but still felt alienated. Perhaps if I kept going it would have been ok. Either way I would encourage to try it out.
  14. Where is the proof to validate the claim that most women are given unwanted sexual attention starting from a young age? Also, if knifeguy is a man what does that have to do assertion of most women are given unwanted sexual attention at a young age? Is it because you are insinuating that such attention is caused by men, if so your initial claim is vague as it doesn't list specifics, as it can be applied to both men and women at that point. Also, if you are saying that only most men are doing such things, what objective evidence are you using to support your assertion. Also, you say that after such advances on women that society brainwashes them to accept it, which seems vague, as you not specific to what society, as the world has many different points of view. Plus, what evidence do you use to make such a claim that a specific society is doing such a thing? Moreover, when you say there is a huge amount of emphasis on attractiveness in order for women to be successful. What do mean by that, as such a standard can be put on men too. The reason I asks these questions as it seems when you use the word "men" without being specific, you are essentially saying all men are guilty sexually harassing women, which isn't the case, most importantly women just as much capable of this behavior to, as all humans are capable of such behavior. It seems you are generalizing men into being sexual predators without using proper evidence to support your claim, which is not a good thing to do. No, I am relating from personal experience and many, many other women. You are a hundred percent correct that I have provided zero scientific experience, except for my own account and those I have talked to. In addition, I even said, "this may have nothing to do with you" and "while not all women are abused as children..." I am not going to cite sources, but as a female, it would be helpful for him to get advice from a female perspective. I am not condescending him, but giving him constructive advice for getting to know this girl on a more realistic level, and allowing himself to feel deserving of her attention. We are all biased by our personal experience and this will form how we view others. Much the same way Duck believes women are not held accountable for evils, I have experienced very real and traumatic things that certain men were never held accountable for. But since you requested data, in a study conducted by David Finkelhor, director of National Crimes Against Children Research Center found that 1 in 5 girls were a victim of sexual abuse. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Children's Bureau in 2010 reported that 9.2% of children in the U.S were victims of sexual abuse. Both men and women are victims.
  15. Congratulations on your new job. It doesn't matter that it is minimum, you are starting to pick up your life again and that is what matters. I think this thread needs more female input so here goes: In my opinion you are in a somewhat vulnerable position since you are just coming out of your shell and working again. It is natural to be drawn to someone who is attractive and treats you like a decent human being after your period of instability and feeling like a "useless eater" in your household. Realize that no matter what you have gone through, you are deserving of attention and love just like anyone else. That being said, I do not think it is a good idea to go after a girl in the workplace for many reasons, especially so soon. While it is true that women want confidence and a guy who is not afraid to approach them, it is equally true that women are often harassed at school, work, on the streets, and in their own homes. If you pursue her, she may feel uncomfortable and wary of you. This may have nothing to do with you, but for most women, they are given unwanted sexual attention starting from a young age and basically brainwashed by society that this is acceptable. In order for a female to be successful, there is still a huge amount of emphasis on her physical attractiveness. I was molested from age 10 to 13. Growing up I suffered from low self-esteem and these experiences made it harder for me to set boundaries with men. While I am not saying that every woman is abused as a child, I am saying that most women have received many unwanted sexual advances from men, and you do not want to fall under that category for her. If you truly like this girl, get to know her as a person and a friend without any ulterior motives, not an idolized female. She may be a beautiful person inside and out as you say, but it's her imperfections and subconscious pain and pathologies that make her a living, breathing human being.
  16. It is my first semester as a full-time teaching assistant, and I am already experiencing some burnout. I like my job, but am so busy that I often skip lunch to help students and am exhausted every day. Last Friday I was going over a test prep with 2 students, while a group of students from another class (that I'm also associated with) sat at another table going over their own practice test. I heard them talking amongst themselves and they couldn't figure a discrepancy in an answer. One of the guys offered, "We could ask (my name)." The other student, whom I've tutored before,must have scoffed or snorted or something, because the guy responded kind of chuckling, "What was that?" He then called me over and I explained why their solutions were actually equivalent before returning to my other students. But god, overhearing that stung so badly. I know I should have keep my sense of humor about it since I have a decent rapport with these students and know some small scoff doesn't mean much. It's true that I make careless errors at times and am a bit scattered, but I didn't think some people thought so lowly of me.The rest of the day I felt very heavy, emotionally and physically and could not being my spirits up. After work I wanted to self-harm and would have had it not been for some family plans.
  17. I like to think that I have gotten over my depression. After all, I got a job that I enjoy, for the most part. Although it was difficult in the beginning to adjust to the change in lifestyle, I find that even when things happen that would usually heavily upset me, I feel numb and nonchalant towards it during the week, which is strange for me. Then during the weekends, which I always think will be my time for peace and relaxation, something inside me will snap and I will go spiraling down into depression. I'll drink myself to sleep and sleep for most of the weekend. It's then that I'll wonder why I'm even alive and doing what I'm doing. Does anyone else feel this way?
  18. I cannot begin to understand what you must be going through. If it is any solace breast cancer has a high rate of survival. I'm so sorry for the bad news and please keep us posted on your progress into treatment.
  19. Technically, I started community college when I was 16 in a program where I finished my high school diploma at the same time. Because of this, I should have been very advanced. Instead, the onset of my first major depression appeared at this age, and I barely passed my classes to graduate high school. When I was 21, I transferred to a university. I floundered about majors, and was also wrapped up in finding new jobs, friends, boyfriends, and experiences. I was more concerned about creating a new identity from my old depressed self, but you can never escape yourself. I had (many) down periods, but it wasn't until I was 25 almost 26 that the next major depression hit. This one was to the point of suicidality. That's when I got on meds. At 27 I graduated. I'm now 28 and have a job doing what I love. I'd like to go back for a masters, but am still developing the strength as college was quite traumatic for me. It's possible to get through and it is worth it. Don't limit yourself to mediocre jobs because of this disease.
  20. With some reserve, I would like to encourage you to keep going through your college degree. I'm 28 and I just got my diploma, and suffered much the way you are for a long time. It is worth it. Meanwhile, see if your school as a psychotherapist or doctor that can help. I got onto antidepressants my last year of college. It helped pull me through, although it was painful like no other.
  21. Although I believe I have come out of a major depression I am still not exactly "happy" with myself and my life. I'm currently in a relationship with a man who is very good to me and have feelings for. However, there are times when I very much so want to be alone. This is mostly due to my own emotional state that has nothing to do with him. What does have to do with him is this: he is much older than me and although I have deep affection for him and find him attractive, I am not always attracted TO him. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but trust me it can be done. This doesn't bother me much as I have low sex-drive, but I know it upsets him if we aren't intimate for a long time, so I put myself in the mood as often as I can for him. The terrible thing is that sometimes I try to find men who are younger than him to interact with me on a somewhat romantic/sexual basis without explicitly cheating. I don't really know why I feel a compulsive need to feel wanted by other guys because I am not really looking for sex, and not really looking for emotional fulfillment since I already get that from my bf. Perhaps I'm also going through a quarter-life crisis where I want to hold onto my youth. I'm 28 and feel 30 creeping up fast. All I know is that I feel empty and trapped in my life, even with a job that I mostly enjoy and a partner for whom I care. I feel like a horrible person. I know this post might incite judgment from you, but please understand I am just trying to get help and insight into why I do what I do.
  22. For men, while not entirely accepted, is not unexpected when they turn aggressive or act out in anger. For me as a woman, I feel like I have no outlet and no way of expressing it to someone without it being a strange thing. As a side note, I personally think this is why stats show that men tend to commit suicide my firearms, and women by drugs...naturally one has a higher chance of "succeeding" than the other. Don't know where to turn, a lot of pain and anger eating me up inside. Has anyone else ever felt this way?
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