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helter skelter

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About helter skelter

  • Birthday 08/01/1987

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    math, music, and motorcycles

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  1. I just wanted to thank everyone very much for the thoughtful replies. I thought my post was deleted because of content but turns out just moved from General to here. I have pulled back a bit from my compulsions but still struggle with it.
  2. A few months ago I started talking to a guy I met through a dating app. We eventually met in person and started a sexual relationship. I was infatuated with how good-looking he was. When he contacted me I would feel high, and when we were in bed I would feel wanted, attractive, and alive. But I would often leave our get-togethers feeling empty and depressed. I knew he didn't have deep feelings for me past friends-with-benefits, and I wanted something with more emotions and connection. I cut it off eventually, but I missed him and actually felt heartbroken. Or rather, I was heartbroken that he didn't care enough and missed what I wished we had - a genuine connection and attraction to each other. Although I told myself I would just be alone and work on myself and my depression, I still feel a compulsion towards online dating, internet porn, and the high of being sexually desired. I don't feel happy or even "normal" unless there is someone who is regularly contacting me for sex or dates. Then I often wonder why I continue to pursue these meaningless hookups and feel extremely tired, ashamed, and lonely. I don't feel that my personality is enough to captivate interest, so sex is a natural medium to get what I feel is missing, but no matter how many men express superficial interest, I know it will never really fulfill me. Ultimately, I am an empty vessel. This is due in part to aging. My self-esteem has never been that high. And my looks have always been below-average to average, but I am turning 30 in 3 months and I am feeling like my worth as a woman will go down in society and in my mind. I don't know how to change or stop what is becoming an addiction to sex.
  3. Happy Birthday! You said something that really rang. Instead of trying to unrealistically rid ourselves of pain, sometimes we just have to come to terms with the fact that it exists, and move through life in spite of it. Life is still worth living and emotions are still worth feeling. Keep getting better.
  4. Sometimes it can be healthy to buy something that sparks joy in your life and you will make good use of for a long time. It sounds like you are making an effort to live within your means and that is important. If you really wanted it and it helps your quality of life then you shouldn't feel guilty.
  5. Any career change will require very small goals being met day to day. It seems to me that you are being way too hard on yourself. Where you are now is exactly that, there is no need to feel guilty or anxious. You have a good idea of your goals and there is nothing wrong with a transition period to get you back on your feet. I can relate, but for now, I am too tired to post more.
  6. You could say I had a very full summer, between working, visiting family in a different state, and going out on a motorcycle trip planned with a friend last weekend. Then fall semester started right after, and since I work in education, I'm interacting with people all day. I know I should be grateful for the people in my life, but I feel exhausted and burnt out. I don't want to see anyone or exert energy, although I put up a friendly face for work. I feel almost angry that I had no time to myself, and it is like I am losing my sense of identity and cohesiveness. Sometimes I look at certain strangers and feel that I can see the life in them, their uniqueness and personality. But I am unable to feel my own anymore. I don't know if I am depressed or just burnt out. I stopped medication over a year ago. Things were getting better. But in the past few months I have self-harmed a few times when my inability to deal with life became unbearable. I barely make enough at my full-time job to get by and still rely partly on my parents at age 29. I know I should be getting my act together and reaching for my larger goals but when I think about it I freeze up and get down. Does anyone understand?
  7. Thank you for posting your story.
  8. Beneath the surface simmers violent silence.
  9. I gotta say I feel just the same. I'm really glad you posted, thank you. I think I am depressed from a mixture of the most traumatic and learned behavior of my childhood, mixed with the the exact sentiments of how you feel about modern society and what is expected of us. In addition, even the life I "want" to live to succeed in this rat race seems out of reach. A bleak perspective of the world as well as your own competency and ability to function within it definitely breeds depression. I also feel a bit guilty since like you, I have the "basic necessities and a little more." However, a great quote about depression but not sure who said it first: "Saying someone can't be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone can't be happy because someone else may have it better."
  10. Does anyone else have disturbing dreams? For example, I had two dreams where I was a m*rderer. Don't worry, I'm not in real life. It didn't show how I did it, but I knew I did k*ll multiple people and had anxiety of being found out. I've also dreamt of my having pets that became monsters. Would be curious to hear what others have and why.
  11. I'm happy you decided to go it. Even though you rationally knew that fb was not a "real" tie to her, symbolically, it still meant a lot to you. Props.
  12. I am too tired to offer ideas but I think it is a good brainchild and I hope you put it into motion. And thank you.
  13. I attended a support group for sexual abuse victims which was very helpful until some b*tch took out her anger on me. Went to a depression support group but still felt alienated. Perhaps if I kept going it would have been ok. Either way I would encourage to try it out.
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