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BlackPony last won the day on February 24 2013

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About BlackPony

  • Birthday 05/12/1989

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    Computer games, reading, sociology, empty pseudo-philosophising, role-playing games, cross-sticting, beadworking, cats, My Little Pony

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  1. Well, that's the thing - I can't exactly put my life on hold just because of... all that. Not allowed to. And people been creative, smart and productive even while depressed, so noone - not even me - expects less from myself. It just does not look like a suitable excuse. Stumbling upon a lot of "advice" in the vein of "If you feel worthless, you probably are. Go do something useful, produce something you are proud of, then and only then you will (have the right to) feel better".
  2. Well of course my parents are willing to help me. And it is not for class - I am not a student anymore, unfortunately. I am thinking of applying for a grad school. My family pulled all their contacts in order to let me approach a professor and ask him for an opportunity to get some research experience beforehand - like I was supposed to while I've actually been a student, but I've been too unmotivated, lazy and clueless to pursue an internship back then. So, I've been offered a chance to do an easy task for him. He explicitly said that it was supposed to be easy. Somewhat familiar one. And it does not involve dealing with people. So I can't cite inexperience or the fact that it deals with the areas I am not at my best at as the reason for failure. I should be experienced enough for that, and it deals with something I've used to consider my strong point. So if I can't do that, I can't do anything. Thinking that I should forget about a grad school now. I am obviously not good enough. Of course, now that I am in the middle of an application process, it is not exactly a good time to find out... Even if I'll manage to do this assignment somehow, it still proves that I am unsuited for intellectual work, as it was supposed to be something simple. If simple things cause me to have a meltdown like that... And I really can't see what would be worthwhile and valuable about me in that case. Just don't have any worth left. No drive, no courage, no honour, no strength, no use, no creativity and now no intelligence. Exactly why should I think thatI'm not worthless? That's a genuine question
  3. Let's face it, I fail at my job. And, at 24, I fail at life - no good job, living with my parents, no transferable skills etc. And it is all my fault for being too lazy and not driven enough. Lately, I've discovered that I fail intellectually too. I've used to think that, for all my faults, at least I am somewhat smart. That I'm simply inexperienced and not good with dealing with people, and, given an intellectual task and some peace and quiet, I should do well. As of now, I've been given a chance - a relatively simple (or at least the professor considers it simple. To me right now, it is not) review which my major should have prepared me for. And it is way more difficult than I have imagined. I'm running out of time, having a complete meltdown, I definitely won't be able to finish it on time, and definitely not to the level he expects me to. Heck, he gave me a week (I have only 3 days left) and expected me to show some results in the first 2 days (and I am yet to go through all the assigned literature). Anyway, the point is, I fail. And I feel utterly worthless. Of course, I've read numerous times that one failure does not define a person, that everyone makes mistakes occasionally, and it's all true. However, I don't have a single success to offset my failures and justify myself. A 24 year old as incompetent as me is a failure. Objective fact. I really don't see how I could be not worthless right now. Don't see what could be worthwhile and valuable about me. At all.
  4. I definitely can sympathise with what you are saying, especially about not wanting to actively commit suicide but not particular wanting to avoid death. To me, an understanding that I am most likely depressed came from observation that my feelings of hopelessness don't really depend on the situation. Of course, situation tends to make it better or worse, but in general, it is my mind latching at any situation and making it hopeless. Note that realisation that this is what's going on does not make it better :)
  5. This link has a good overview, I think http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/03/06/the-calories-incalories-out-myth/
  6. One thing I've learned recently is that there is a high chance that "eating right and exercising" would NOT help you lose weight. However, it would still make you feel better physically and emotionally. That being said, "eating right" is different for every person. In my case, while restricting sweets might be beneficial for me in general, but in that particular instance it messed me up emotionally in a way I still cannot recover from. Oh, and I did not have any cravings for food or binging before. I have it now. If mental health counts, then was this even "healthy'? I seriously doubt that. So, anyway, only you can decide what is "good for you".
  7. My job is quite similar at times, in that it involves unpredictable schedules, people I dislike, a lot of stress, and, while not exactly a cause of my depression (it started much earlier), it still makes it much worse. I want to cry each morning before going to work (sometimes I actually do), and whatever I'm trying to do to make myself better is undone after a single day in the office. One thing I can definitely sympathise with is that you say that it is probably irresponsible for you to continue working at this job. It is something I needed to tell myself, and for this I'm grateful. I've tried to work up the courage to leave, but been stopped with the considerations you've mentioned - that I should be grateful to have any job at all. But thing is, continuously putting myself in the position which makes my depression worse is hardly responsible, even though "working" tends to be considered responsible by default. I snap at people, unable to be a pleasant company, driving away my few friends with my doom and gloom, unable to concentrate, to learn. That is hardly taking care of myself - or being considerate to others. So, thank you. I probably won't leave right away, but it is still good for me to take a break from thinking that wanting to quit is irresponsible and immature.
  8. First of all, I am definitely not suicidal. However, I do notice that my reactions to potential danger have become slower and more muted since I've became depressed. I move out of the way of an incoming car somewhat slower, catching the thought that I wouldn't mind it too much if it hit even as I do move away. Don't mind walking barefoot where a glass have been broken - the big shards are swept away, but before I wouldn't be comfortable with it until after a few days and several thorough cleaning after an accident. The plane hits heavy turbulence, heavier than I've ever seen before - I shrug and return to my book. It's cold outside - I'm almost relishing the thought of catching cold and thus getting a break. I did not suffer any accidents so far, but I do wonder if it is potentially dangerous. Or if the slower reaction is just a normal effect of slower thinking in general.
  9. The most annoying thing is that my boss and manager are not okay with me counting down minutes until I can go home. They expect and require me to be enthusiastic, to care about what happens to the projects, to stay overtime, and are incredibly annoyed when I want to go home if there is still work to do.
  10. While I've always been more than a little pessimistic, I think I can pinpoint rather well when my actual depression started - during the last spring, while I was abroad in college. Again, I was pessimistic, had motivation issues and terrible social anxiety before, but it was nowhere near that bad. And that spring, it came suddenly. Utter hopelessness, loss of ability to enjoy the today because of the vague fear of future, and so on. It's been more than a year, and the things seem to be getting worse and worse. Strangest thing is that, as I realise now, while I've had all the marks of being depressed much earlier than that, as early as in 5-th grade (I've even been institutionalised briefly), I wasn't actually depressed back then. There was a lot of bullying, I've often been upset and angry, and yet I've had a decent self-esteem. I've hated circumstances, not myself, and I was not hopeless. Still, at that time I was "disruptive", so my issues were noticed. Now that I'm mostly placid noone cares what's going on in my head, even though it's ten times worse. Though, honestly, I'm not sure if what I have now is even depression, as I've never been diagnosed. I am afraid to seek professional help as it is likely to make me unemployable. Though, considering that I utterly loathe my job anyway, I wonder if, by now, it might be a good thing. Then I could return back to hating my circumstances and not myself :) Anyway, back to the original question about how old I was. That should be 22 years.
  11. I've always been fat, but "food as a coping mechanism" only really started when depression hit. Weirdest thing, it actually was a decent coping mechanism. Some (a lot) of chocolate could make a dreary working day tolerable, and going to some cozy cafes for a nice lunch was a good distraction. The issue with food is that it is seen as a "legitimate" reason to put all the other things on hold. If I have a lunch break, I am expected to go out and have a blasted lunch, it feels like an alright thing to do. Whereas simply taking an hour off work to do something pleasant does not feel justifiable. So, again, it actually worked alright. When my best friend insisted that I should lose weight (bad idea and it doesn't even work, but I did not know it back then) and I could no longer eat yummy things when stressed, my depression increased tenfold. I don't think I've quite recovered from that experiment even now - I am in much worse mental shape that I was when I was allowed comfort food. Oh, by the way, what and how much you eat is entirely your decision, but, whatever you do, I won't recommend trying low-carb diet while depressed. It is not pretty, at all.
  12. I definitely can sympathise. As ithappens, I hate my job, and it is contributing greatly to why I feel like I do. I am a shy introvert who hates bothering people, yet bother people is one of the main job requirements. I have gotten half-decent with it, but it is really, really hard for my psyche and I am near tears every time I have to do that. And yes, the worst part is that the time is slipping away. Each way of working is a wasted day - that's 5 days a week, sometimes more. There are lots of things I ned to do - both for my wellbeing and for my future - but when I return home from work, I don't care about anything but mindless escapist fun. Even though I now that some other things might be more satisfying in the long run, they require more mental effort than I tend to have left. Also, I realise that, objectively speaking, I don't have it that bad. There are ocassionally quiet days in the office when I don't have to do anything at all, I can leave early if I really need to, and my boss is nice. Besides, I'll probably won't find another place anyway. Still, I know that for my own sanity, I should quit. But I don't have the courage to. Tend to be afraid that the next job will be even worse - that is, if there is any place that would agree to hire me at all.
  13. Yes, I would definitely want to change a lot of things. First and most importantly, I would have chosen a different college (and probably profession too), one that would give me real skill and competitive advantage. Then I wouldn't be stuck in the place I hate, doing things I hate, with no chance of doing something less stressful for living or being with the people I feel close with.
  14. I can eat some vegetables (not sweet ones like carrot, though), and only a very limited amount of fruit. And if anything, this diet made me less likely to eat fruit. I mean, if I blow my daily allowance of carbs whether I eat an orange or chocolate, why the hey should I settle for orange?
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