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Everything posted by Lustforlike

  1. I feel so overwhelmed on a daily basis. I can't function. It's like my brain locks up and goes into safe mode. I am drained of all energy and any motivation I have turns into frustration because I can't function, I can't think, energy to move becomes non-existent so I just sit and stare at something until the feeling subsides. During this time my mind is nearly blank, and oddly content in a way that the anxiety defeated me once again. I also feel like I easily get paranoid, my "heightened awareness" about people makes me retreat home where I can lock myself in my room. I feel I'm living with PTSD much more distinguished than it was I haven't been diagnosed with it but I feel like I have it. There was a man I noticed in my neighborhood in 2014 watching children and fondling himself from a distance he was a man in his 60s. I had someone reported to the police and the landlord. Never saw the man after that. So don't know what happened. I think he knew I witnessed what he was doing and decided to take his get of jail free card and run. Since then my anxiety is 100times worse. I don't leave the house for anything other than food and the random visit with mom. My mom wants me to see the doctor to get me help with social assistance programs. I'm scared I won't qualify somehow so don't bother. I tried seeing a psychologist after my dad passed away, they did the whole "grieve process" thing that didn't really do anything for me, said stuff I already knew, acted like they knew how I feel despite disclosing that I was an abuse victim. Somehow I'm magically suppose to get passed everything and get back to functioning. I feel utterly helpless, people don't get it.
  2. Thanks I don't know how I'm going to get better. 6 months later I still feel the same amount of sadness. I don't know how to adult, I was lucky enough to receive a bit of money to live but it won't last forever.
  3. My one and only friend in this world passed away August 08. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so alone. ;;(
  4. Well don't really know of any around here.
  5. Well, I slipped back into a deeper depression over the summer, and didn't leave the house for week at a time. Just would sit on the computer all day and game. I convinced myself to register for another college/univ course so now I'm taking Archaeology, just one course to get me out of the house for a mandatory hour 3X a week. I feel a bit better getting out, although I rarely leave the house on the non school days. I guess now I dwell on other things like the fact I had hoped that I would make a friend or something but that hasn't happened yet, I tried not to be so reclusive, I have trouble making eye contact and talking. So I guess that turns people off from talking to me. I dress in sweats because I've gained a bit of weight since the last time that's probably an issue too for people. I guess if people are like that why bother better off without them even though still wouldn't mind someone if they were to reach out. I just don't know what turns people off about me, or I'm not socially outgoing. I just don't get the disconnect.
  6. Yeah I relate totally, I like school but it's stressful for me. I ended up dropping 2 courses last year, and this year have been only taken one this last semester. Yeah family have pressured me into saying stay in school or you'll be a nothing. That kind of mentality doesn't help. It just puts stress on you. You already have an associates degree, I think you'd be able to find a decent job in your field. Just because people have degrees doesn't mean anything really, it's just serves as an extra piece of reference kind of saying 'you're smart enough to do the job. You learn more important things through experience on the job. I think you would be fine without going further. You can always do more education in the future if so desired, or needed.
  7. Tomorrow is Mothers Day, I feel like I'm obligated almost to get her 'something' even though she doesn't deserve anything in my books. She hasn't been a mum at all to me, besides birthing part just her 'offspring' and nothing more. The relationship I dreamed of having as a kid was none existent and still non-existent, I try to pretend she's dead. We never had any talks, never did anything together, she put me down growing up, she treated my step sisters like gold, spoiled them, did t things with them, and excluded me. ETC. I don't know why exactly she changed, but I remember when my half sister was born, things changed permanently.I was 8 when my half sister was born. I assume her boyfriend/step dad had a lot to do with it. I never did anything to deserve this, my half sisters to this day don't think there's a problem it's cause she never put them through what I went through. They were spoiled, and have that spoiled attitude, "they're always right". I avoid them as well. They're part of the problem. I've tried numerous times to 'reach out' each time with no success. I would call her, she would never answer, or she would hand it off to my sister and my sister would answer I wouldn't get to talk to her at all. Always some excuse. I'd confront them both on this but no success. Told my sister she's part of the problem, doing that but denies there's an issue. I've given up by now. It's whatever. Only makes me feel sad thinking about this. Other times, I'd confront my mum that she never calls, then she said I never answer. She's never tried to call me, I have call logs and shown this but still this weak straw like answer. I get it, she doesn't want to change. I can only think of thing she mentioned once, she said that my dad treated me better than she did her. So I assume she's jealous of our relationship. I don't know why, she's the one who cheated on him, and left him and she has the nerve to say that. My dad worked very hard to save money for a house, but she did that to repay him. And somehow holds me to blame for her own actions. I was just a kid. My dad felt bad for what she has done to me emotionally, so he has spoiled me a bit and has tried to be both parents. I just don't really want to get her anything. But people who don't know the whole situation will play it off as if I'm this horrible daughter if I don't get her anything they don't understand, they won't understand, I've tried to talk to it but people they refuse that this is the case. My dad understands the dilemma. He said, she's still my mum, even though not in the way you wanted her to be, get her a card. Ever time I look at all the nice mother day cards I want to cry. Nothing in the description fits her. Only one I can think of is having one that says "Happy Mothers Day, thanks for birthing me. I don't know what to do. I'll probably have to cave in, to prevent the others negative attitudes that come about if I were to do nothing. ;(
  8. Yeah I've tried. No use.
  9. I hate when you hurt so bad inside but your body won't let you cry. =( This sucks. Still need a job. I don't have much energy to do anything, leave the house etc. Family thinks it's a motivational problem but it's not, I literally don't have any physical energy. Why do people confuse the two.
  10. 6am, still haven't been able to sleep yet. Insomnia sucks =(

  11. Well, since I'm done my course, and summer is approaching I desperately need to find a job. I guess the problem is I honestly don't have any confidence to even go out and look, I had to quit my toxic job in January. I don't understand how some work places are run by a bunch of adults who act as if they haven't left high school, gossip, slander etc. I just couldn't take it any more, the money was decent, but wasn't learning anything new and they cut my hours dramatically since I was going to school, I'm pretty sure they did that out of spite. I've applied at a couple banks back in January, one wanted a web interview and I just didn't have enough confidence to do it, so I cancelled. I don't think I really want to work at a bank though. Since then I haven't really looked for work. I just feel hopeless. I really would like to work from home somehow. That is where I feel most comfortable. No surprise at that though depression and anxiety play a huge role in that. I'm lucky to still live at home, but I can't do that forever.
  12. Yeah I've had issues with anger like that off and on. Any little thing can set me off, I get filled with rage and it's scary. Usually happens when I feel that someone has treated me poorly sometimes, it's due to frustration of lack of progress in my life.
  13. Yeah I dropped out because I couldn't deal with the pressure but returned the next semester, taking just one course instead of a full course load. I found it easier to cope with just having one course, and still being in the University environment. Taking one course has reduced a lot of stress.
  14. I think that's one of things that play into depression. It could also mean that that you're unsatisfied with what you're doing with your life, like there is something lacking, whether it be a goal education, or something else. That could cause you to lose interest in regular activities.
  15. I hate when people call depression a "pity party" this makes me angry beyond belief. I've had this happen to me a few times by so called "friends". I don't express a lot of things I keep it inside until I can't any more. Generally when people ask how I am. I lie, saying everything is good. Because people don't ******* give a sh**. The only thing I've said to people sometimes, is that I've been depressed. Nothing more. How does that equate to a pity party is beyond me. I just want someone to talk to =( I have so much anger from people like this, I honestly wish they could experience the pain I feel inside. I honestly wish I didn't wake up. People just don't get it.
  16. It doesn't matter how much you've said, what matters is that you have replied. I do get comfort in that. Thank you for that, always helps to know not the only one with struggles like these. I am here as well if you want to vent or discuss things.
  17. I feel so lost, more than ever. I don't know how to get out the rut I am in. Seems like everything I've tried only works temporarily. I end up being happy for a little bit but the feeling of hopelessness and sadness always returns. I've quit my job, in January because the work atmosphere was toxic, I've moved because it was a hell hole there was an ant problem there slumlord that did nothing. Since I've quit my job I don't leave the place unless it's my Anthropology course, that is every second day. I don't like going out alone but I have no choice I have no friends. No one who cares. I am so alone. I have real bad anxiety about going out, always afraid of stuff happening. I don't know why people don't connect with me. I dress a bit sloppy I guess but people have said I'm pretty. I don't see that though. I don't understand why I'm so disconnected. I've thought for awhile I might be on the low end of the scale with Autism(Aspergers). The main interaction I get with people are with online games. Gaming takes my mind off some things, but sometimes the frustration of the game is too much. I get really angry at it. I realize most of the angry doesn't really have to do with the game. I guess it reminds me of how much of a failure I see myself as.I literally punch the wall sometimes. =( I try and stop playing before that happens though. I am suppose to be looking for a new job, but I can't bring myself to do anything. I fear rejection and change and the inability to cope with that change. I don't know how to make friends, I am at a loss. I really would like a friend. ;(
  18. Last couple weeks have been tough, everyday I just feel immense sadness. And just cry for hours. I hate it. I feel so alone. I just wish I didn't wake up. I am tired of being alone with no friends, no one to talk to that understands. I cried in front of my dad for a few hours, he was tried to reassure me but I still feel the same.. I need to look for a new job, since I moved to another part of the city. It's a long commute to drive. I don't even know where to begin to look or what to look for. Getting a transfer is a possibility but with less hours. I feel so hopeless I wish an asteroid would hit my place and it'll all be over.
  19. Feeling hopeless, alone, unwanted. =(

  20. Insomnia sucks =(

  21. Well nothing really has changed with me for the better yet. I've been trying to make new friends, but I'm finding that really difficult. I'm extremely introvert "anti-social' as outsiders would see. I have trouble with eye contact with people. Always been this way. I tend to be housebound a lot, I don't like to go out too much other than to get food or something I need. I want to change this but it's hard. I don't like being alone when out I guess. Been thinking a lot about the future too about my dad, how he's been there for me, supporting me pretty much. I have a job but not independent or even full time at it. I think of the prospects when he's no longer able to work. He's already at retirement age, too be honest it scares the s*** out of me. I am overcome with sadness not because I don't want to support myself but the idea that he's not always going be around to help me or even to talk to. I feel like I'm going be alone one day and not going be able to cope with that or be successful. I just don't know what to to about this. I literally hope that I die before my dad. =(
  22. dark vader, thank you for the reply it, Mental illness is an awful never ending battle. But I will never give up on fighting it. No one should give up. To various degrees everyone's life is filled with some sort of missed opportunity etc. I guess what I was going to say, is I guess a positive aspect of this illness, is that it makes people more in tuned with their self in a way to be in tuned with someone else's feelings and understand how one feels, and just notice things that "normal" people don't notice, generally I can read people extremely well without them having to say a word, you can tell when someone is hurting inside by body language and eyes.
  23. Well, I guess I'll start with the story with what happened about 8 years February 14th, ago with my Mum. It was a nice spring like afternoon, the snow was gone that year really early, so my mum, sisters and aunt (and myself) decided to make a trip to the lake for the day. Everything just was normal, loaded everything up and set off. About 35mins into the drive, my mum complains of dizziness and light-headed-ness, then kind of got delerius and about a few minutes later out cold limp. My aunt driving, was pretty hysterical, trying to wake up my mum, she had to pull over, and gently shake her, after few minutes, she came back, but wanted to sleep, my aunt wouldn't let her we kept talking to her etc. Anything to keep her awake. We sped back to the hospital to emergency and had her submitted right away, on IV's etc. They did all the standard tests but found nothing to have caused it at the time. The doctors said that she was only slightly dehydrated. The same type of thing feeling she had happened tonight, with her according to my sis (She lives with her). Since then she has a heart condition, and various other medical conditions, thyroid, depression and I suspect an eating disorder. They are keeping an eye on her, my step-dad, and will take her to the hospital if anything develops. I don't now how I feel, my sister contacted me on Skype, and told me. I don't really feel much of anything. I know how it felt that day, and weirdly I've had a sick feeling all day today, like a feeling of dread but couldn't didn't know why, almost instinctual is the only way to describe it like it without going spiritual. I'm a skeptic on this kinda feeling. Anyways, like I feel like I should be feeling a little more worried or sad. Like a part of me inside feel sad but there's a bigger part is just emotionless. It's kinda hard to explain. My relationship with my mum from about 1995-now is non-existent pretty much after my sister was born she changed. Something in her changed. She wasn't a mum since, and would say borderline neglect for me and emotional abuse, purposeful parent withdrawal. I don't blame her for this though at least entirely. I believe severe mental illness struck and perhaps losing her dad shortly after just changed her whole being as well as her boyfriend. I want to feel sad, and in a way I do. Just not emotionally to her, just to the situation. If that makes any sense. I think this is normal probably for someone who's been through all I've been through to feel like this?
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