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About Lustforlike

  • Birthday 07/02/1987

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    Photography,Anthropology, Computers, Technology, Astronomy, Gaming, Science, Philosophy, Writing.

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  1. I feel so overwhelmed on a daily basis. I can't function. It's like my brain locks up and goes into safe mode. I am drained of all energy and any motivation I have turns into frustration because I can't function, I can't think, energy to move becomes non-existent so I just sit and stare at something until the feeling subsides. During this time my mind is nearly blank, and oddly content in a way that the anxiety defeated me once again. I also feel like I easily get paranoid, my "heightened awareness" about people makes me retreat home where I can lock myself in my room. I feel I'm living with PTSD much more distinguished than it was I haven't been diagnosed with it but I feel like I have it. There was a man I noticed in my neighborhood in 2014 watching children and fondling himself from a distance he was a man in his 60s. I had someone reported to the police and the landlord. Never saw the man after that. So don't know what happened. I think he knew I witnessed what he was doing and decided to take his get of jail free card and run. Since then my anxiety is 100times worse. I don't leave the house for anything other than food and the random visit with mom. My mom wants me to see the doctor to get me help with social assistance programs. I'm scared I won't qualify somehow so don't bother. I tried seeing a psychologist after my dad passed away, they did the whole "grieve process" thing that didn't really do anything for me, said stuff I already knew, acted like they knew how I feel despite disclosing that I was an abuse victim. Somehow I'm magically suppose to get passed everything and get back to functioning. I feel utterly helpless, people don't get it.
  2. Thanks I don't know how I'm going to get better. 6 months later I still feel the same amount of sadness. I don't know how to adult, I was lucky enough to receive a bit of money to live but it won't last forever.
  3. My one and only friend in this world passed away August 08. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so alone. ;;(
  4. Well don't really know of any around here.
  5. Well, I slipped back into a deeper depression over the summer, and didn't leave the house for week at a time. Just would sit on the computer all day and game. I convinced myself to register for another college/univ course so now I'm taking Archaeology, just one course to get me out of the house for a mandatory hour 3X a week. I feel a bit better getting out, although I rarely leave the house on the non school days. I guess now I dwell on other things like the fact I had hoped that I would make a friend or something but that hasn't happened yet, I tried not to be so reclusive, I have trouble making eye contact and talking. So I guess that turns people off from talking to me. I dress in sweats because I've gained a bit of weight since the last time that's probably an issue too for people. I guess if people are like that why bother better off without them even though still wouldn't mind someone if they were to reach out. I just don't know what turns people off about me, or I'm not socially outgoing. I just don't get the disconnect.
  6. Yeah I relate totally, I like school but it's stressful for me. I ended up dropping 2 courses last year, and this year have been only taken one this last semester. Yeah family have pressured me into saying stay in school or you'll be a nothing. That kind of mentality doesn't help. It just puts stress on you. You already have an associates degree, I think you'd be able to find a decent job in your field. Just because people have degrees doesn't mean anything really, it's just serves as an extra piece of reference kind of saying 'you're smart enough to do the job. You learn more important things through experience on the job. I think you would be fine without going further. You can always do more education in the future if so desired, or needed.
  7. Tomorrow is Mothers Day, I feel like I'm obligated almost to get her 'something' even though she doesn't deserve anything in my books. She hasn't been a mum at all to me, besides birthing part just her 'offspring' and nothing more. The relationship I dreamed of having as a kid was none existent and still non-existent, I try to pretend she's dead. We never had any talks, never did anything together, she put me down growing up, she treated my step sisters like gold, spoiled them, did t things with them, and excluded me. ETC. I don't know why exactly she changed, but I remember when my half sister was born, things changed permanently.I was 8 when my half sister was born. I assume her boyfriend/step dad had a lot to do with it. I never did anything to deserve this, my half sisters to this day don't think there's a problem it's cause she never put them through what I went through. They were spoiled, and have that spoiled attitude, "they're always right". I avoid them as well. They're part of the problem. I've tried numerous times to 'reach out' each time with no success. I would call her, she would never answer, or she would hand it off to my sister and my sister would answer I wouldn't get to talk to her at all. Always some excuse. I'd confront them both on this but no success. Told my sister she's part of the problem, doing that but denies there's an issue. I've given up by now. It's whatever. Only makes me feel sad thinking about this. Other times, I'd confront my mum that she never calls, then she said I never answer. She's never tried to call me, I have call logs and shown this but still this weak straw like answer. I get it, she doesn't want to change. I can only think of thing she mentioned once, she said that my dad treated me better than she did her. So I assume she's jealous of our relationship. I don't know why, she's the one who cheated on him, and left him and she has the nerve to say that. My dad worked very hard to save money for a house, but she did that to repay him. And somehow holds me to blame for her own actions. I was just a kid. My dad felt bad for what she has done to me emotionally, so he has spoiled me a bit and has tried to be both parents. I just don't really want to get her anything. But people who don't know the whole situation will play it off as if I'm this horrible daughter if I don't get her anything they don't understand, they won't understand, I've tried to talk to it but people they refuse that this is the case. My dad understands the dilemma. He said, she's still my mum, even though not in the way you wanted her to be, get her a card. Ever time I look at all the nice mother day cards I want to cry. Nothing in the description fits her. Only one I can think of is having one that says "Happy Mothers Day, thanks for birthing me. I don't know what to do. I'll probably have to cave in, to prevent the others negative attitudes that come about if I were to do nothing. ;(
  8. Yeah I've tried. No use.
  9. I hate when you hurt so bad inside but your body won't let you cry. =( This sucks. Still need a job. I don't have much energy to do anything, leave the house etc. Family thinks it's a motivational problem but it's not, I literally don't have any physical energy. Why do people confuse the two.
  10. 6am, still haven't been able to sleep yet. Insomnia sucks =(

  11. Well, since I'm done my course, and summer is approaching I desperately need to find a job. I guess the problem is I honestly don't have any confidence to even go out and look, I had to quit my toxic job in January. I don't understand how some work places are run by a bunch of adults who act as if they haven't left high school, gossip, slander etc. I just couldn't take it any more, the money was decent, but wasn't learning anything new and they cut my hours dramatically since I was going to school, I'm pretty sure they did that out of spite. I've applied at a couple banks back in January, one wanted a web interview and I just didn't have enough confidence to do it, so I cancelled. I don't think I really want to work at a bank though. Since then I haven't really looked for work. I just feel hopeless. I really would like to work from home somehow. That is where I feel most comfortable. No surprise at that though depression and anxiety play a huge role in that. I'm lucky to still live at home, but I can't do that forever.
  12. Yeah I've had issues with anger like that off and on. Any little thing can set me off, I get filled with rage and it's scary. Usually happens when I feel that someone has treated me poorly sometimes, it's due to frustration of lack of progress in my life.
  13. Yeah I dropped out because I couldn't deal with the pressure but returned the next semester, taking just one course instead of a full course load. I found it easier to cope with just having one course, and still being in the University environment. Taking one course has reduced a lot of stress.
  14. I think that's one of things that play into depression. It could also mean that that you're unsatisfied with what you're doing with your life, like there is something lacking, whether it be a goal education, or something else. That could cause you to lose interest in regular activities.
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