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Writer2451

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Everything posted by Writer2451

  1. No matter what you go through, no matter what you feel, no matter what you fear, you deserve your own love and care because you are alive and have the opportunity to experience life. Take it from someone who's tried to end his life and been very close a few other times. You have as many chances at life as you're willing to give yourself. If there's one thing I've noticed in life, it's how surprising the best things in life are. Keep going. You deserve it. You have the right to keep going because you're alive.
  2. It's not that life is nothingness. The meaning of life is what you make of it. Everyone is on a personal journey and we are lucky enough to share that together with all living beings. Whenever life feels meaningless to me, I look at the feeling of experience. What am I experiencing? How am I experiencing it? What does it feel like to be alive here and feeling this? Life is about experience. Sometimes the experience is boring, but boredom is an experience all its own. Explore it. When you are comfortable exploring experience itself, life is very enriching no matter what you're going through.
  3. Grant, I'm just saying I don't have enough life experience at 22 to see where a more mature mentality on relationships ends up personally. I know that the longest relationships, the ones that go into old age, are built solidly on companionship and not this "you need to be making me happy and impressed all the time" type of thing that seems to be more and more common and is reflected in the high divorce rates we're seeing. It's not about being sad your whole life if you don't end up in a relationship either. Sure it can be disappointing since we depended on it so much, but there is a lot more to life than having someone with you all the time. We talk a lot in chat so you probably know the direction I would lean you in with regards to finding more meaningful things in life. But either way, the wisdom I've been able to gather is that when you are content from within, you start attracting people that are also content within and you end up sharing your life together as companions. It's a lot less stressful and more fulfilling than the typical relationship. But since this type of thing is rare, it can take a lot of time and it is a lot easier to get discouraged along the way. There are just more meaningful things in life than being dependent on someone else for life fulfillment, and those things will keep you occupied until you can find someone that doesn't need you to be perfect for them to be satisfied.
  4. I've been running into this type of thing at college (random abandonment, no explanation), and I'm feeling more and more disappointed as my graduation is just a few months away. I think the problem is that most people are trying to find a perfect person instead of learning how to love unconditionally. It's a very rare quality, and often those that find it are not interested in relationships because they tend to see relationships as too demanding and control-based. I think you're at the point where you stopped looking for the perfect person and now you're seeing just how much everyone else is looking for the perfect person. The perfect person thing is a myth. We need to learn to accept people and love them for being there. But as I've said, most people have a list they're trying to get through. I wouldn't take this too personally. I don't think this is your fault, and you're trying to wonder what's wrong with you. I don't think there is anything. You're just more clearly seeing human nature. I'm in the part of my life where I've stopped trying to find the right person or make people into what I want them to be. I just try to do my best and inspire people. Keep appreciating people as human beings and not satisfaction objects. You'll meet great people. I know I have. But as far as romance goes, it's been a disappointing journey. I don't know if people like us always find romance but I know that we see qualities in life that are worth more than romance.
  5. Welcome to the forums. You are in good company here! Based on my experience, I would say the issue here is the escapism. Moving somewhere else will not solve the challenges of life, but you have the capacity right here and now to find peace. It seems like you have a negative view of yourself which may be blocking you from solving the issue from the roots or the core. It is your mind that determines your experience. So work there. Do not fear yourself. Let yourself feel things and observe those feelings. Practice being with them. By avoiding them we practice self hate and ignore the things calling out for our attention--the things we need to care for and be there for. There's so much more to be said about these things so if you need more information, you can pm me if you wish. I hope you find some comforting friends here. I'm sure you will. Just know that trying to escape is avoiding the issue and will lead to disappointment. To be truly happy you must face yourself. A good friend can help you in that. It can be scary, but the more you do it, the more enriching and loving life becomes. I know this from my own experience. I suffered from a number of things I'm seeing in you. But I can't tell you how amazing life becomes despite all the hardships. As you find inner peace, life becomes easier as well. So again, if you want more information you are welcome to PM me and I'll do what I can. Best wishes :)
  6. Learn how to do meditation. Completely free, gets easier the more you do it, you can do it any time and any place, and it changes the neural connections in your brain so you naturally produce less stress over time. Plus it has huge amounts of physical and mental health benefits. When you're good at it, it also happens to be much better than sex both physically and mentally, so you'll enjoy that. Remember, it's not about forcing your thoughts off, but letting go of control and letting them be there as you observe what goes on in your body and mind, or to just let thoughts pass though as background noise as you observe (typically) the qualities of your uncontrolled breathing.
  7. We are human beings, not machines. We do require rest at times in order to become productive again. Allow yourself some time to just be with yourself and relax. When you lose motivation because you've been working hard, spending some time to rest and do nothing will allow motivation to come back naturally. Just have a willingness to take life as it comes and not hold on to a particular lifestyle i.e. extreme working or extreme resting.
  8. Hi BringOnTheCats, I like your username :) This place can definitely offer you a lot of support. Keep your head up and keep moving on. You're so much more than your thoughts, feelings, or anything that happens to you. Remember you're aware of it all, and you can find peace in that.
  9. What often helps is to lose our fear of the emotions we face. This has helped me a lot as well. Allow yourself to feel the emotion and just observe it. Let yourself feel it rather than assume it is a problem that must be rid of by thinking it away. It usually does us no good to do that in the short term and often compounds problems together until our body can no longer deal with it, while leading to a great deal of confusion. Reasoning it out will help in the long term, but allowing yourself to feel it, observe it, and see it pass does a great deal to give us confidence with our emotions. When anxiety comes up, you can relate to it without it disturbing you. If we make a mistake and feel embarrassed, you can use that as a signal to improve without feeling ashamed of it. Come to a point of awareness and hold yourself there, and over time you will have much more confidence and be able to gain knowledge from emotions much more easily. You will come to see them as a process and part of your experience rather than the sum of who you are. This will also help you to not care so much what people are thinking about you because your emotional stability does not depend on their approval of you. Your emotional stability will be seen as a smaller part of you that you are working with, that your more stable self (awareness) has the ability to manage. That means that your happiness will be internally generated rather than dependent on everything going just right. Thanks for reading and I hope this helps :) I used to have social anxiety quite badly, but there were other emotions that were making it more difficult for me to bear being in public (anger, envy). Now I am quite a social one, with respect to my natural tendency to introversion ;) Do what is helpful, and do what you must. The rest must be trusted.
  10. The person you need to be good enough for above all else is yourself. Try your best, rest well. No matter where you are in society, society is going to demand more of you in one way or another; your worth is not up to them. Where we are in life this very moment can't be changed because it's happening. But the future is going to be affected by how well we respond to this very moment. You can plan all you want--and you should plan--but none of those plans will work if we don't learn how to deal with what we have right this moment, because that's how we deal with life. So, don't worry too much about the future and don't regret the past. Focus on what you can do to relate to this moment in the best way that you can. We will never be happy with what we have until we learn how to be content. You might as well start that now, with what you have. Then you will make changes in life and progress not to have some kind of reward that never really gets to you (because you'll never feel like you have enough without learning contentment), but you will make changes out of inspiration, compassion, and other effortless, joyful motivations.
  11. I allow myself to feel whatever feeling arises and I pay attention to the feeling. I concentrate on it. I go right into it. I observe it. I let it take its course and make it my new friend. It quickly loses any power over me and I can decide where to go next. Maybe that will work for you too. It stops us from avoiding anxiety, so we aren't afraid of the feeling. We deal with it directly instead of running away from it (suppression). That's my take. It's extremely effective for me. My natural tendency is becoming less and less inclined towards anxiety. I remain calm. When I feel anxiety, it lasts only a minute or so at a time. I listen to what it needs to tell me (finding what I can learn from it) and then I let it go. Best wishes :)
  12. Sounds more like apathy than contentment.
  13. Yep. That feeling is called Jhana, which actually refers to just "meditation," but we use it in English to describe that feeling. You were pretty close to being in the upper level. If you felt formless, then you would likely be in the upper levels. It really is something else. It's been a year since I had mine and I still remember the feeling quite vividly. You don't forget it :)
  14. You've reached a low level of what Buddhists would call Jhana (since you've been meditating, I mention Buddhism). These are extremely blissful states of mind, which move into states of mind which are at complete peace and stillness. It's more complicated than that, but you'll know you're in the upper levels when you do not perceive your body during the meditation, and you have no sense of "I" or "self." You will be observing it, but you don't feel the need to grab onto anything, thus, you feel there is no "self" because your mind is so still that it attaches to nothing. Your thoughts will actually be perceived as things floating around you. You will be feeling a deep sense of peace during this as it was developed by focusing the mind and not avoiding anything. It will be a welcomed experience. I have entered that higher stage of Jhana, and it is honestly a better feeling than any pleasure. But these states are, as with anything else, temporary, and if you depend on them to be happy, you will heighten the suffering that other things bring since you increase your aversion to them. So simply enjoy the experience and remember that everything is your meditation. Every moment, condition, and situation is your practice. Work for unconditional happiness. Thanks for reading. Best wishes.
  15. I agree with what Saliency said. I also want to add a bit of my own perspective. First, life goes a lot deeper than the circumstances around us. Do not define yourself by the conditions of life. Being single, not having a car, living at home, etc are not things that define you. It's only a situation. You're defined more by your intentions, actions, and sense of awareness. You want to improve yourself and your quality of life. That's good enough. You deserve good things. You are in a tough situation but that doesn't define who you are. Your worth as a human being can not be defined by your situation in life. You have no need to compare yourself to others because what you are looking at is merely circumstance. There isn't a "better" or a "worse", just people on their own journeys, beneficial or non-beneficial. Secondly, your attitude will determine the real essence of your experience and quality of life. Fix the depression first. The rest will follow. Be patient. You are 19, you do indeed have a long time left. It is only the feeling of fear that tells us otherwise. Focus on doing your best each moment and the rest will follow. Life will feel a lot easier and a lot more rewarding. Observe and listen to your feelings without getting lost in them. This allows you to access your wisdom, control, and sense of ease. You are so much more than any circumstance, thought, or feeling. It is those that recognize this that will love you unconditionally. If you are looking to find a good relationship (romantic or not), look for those who see that deeper essence, who see the "experiencer" and not the experienced. No matter how good having a car, your own house, or some perfect dream relationship sounds, it is unconditional happiness that always sounds better. There is a happiness to be found that doesn't need a reason to be there, that brings you joy at some level every moment of your life. You achieve that, and you are unbreakable. So don't let conditions define who you are. Start from within. You have the potential. If you wish, you can message me here and I will share resources that helped me find this unconditional happiness as well as give advice where I can. You don't need to give anything back either. This is a certain cognitive way through, but you may very well require a suitable medication to get through this as well. Don't shut that out without consulting a professional. Thanks for reading. Best wishes :)
  16. Hi Desireless, I'll address your numbered statements from a Buddhist perspective since we focus on those issues directly and with importance. This is in NO way to convince you to become Buddhist, but it's simply the perspective I have. Perhaps it will help. Please accept only what you find to be reasonable. 1) Life is neither long nor repetitive. This is your brain at work. It's performing an efficiency function. While yes, most people live long lives, we do not know how long our life will be. We don't know the future. This can be a scary thought, but it doesn't have to be. It's a great reason to appreciate every moment we have and value what we can learn from the time we do have. Second, life really isn't repetitive. This is our mind stuck in bigger details. Small details are changing all the time. There are countless little things to enjoy moment to moment. We only have to look more deeply at them. Try to see everything as something new. Don't think so much about what you expect to happen. Just notice the moment. Countless details reveal themselves. Big statements, yes. It takes practice. 2) We struggle for survival because, branching off from the first point, we appreciate each moment and we appreciate ourselves and our goals. We also have compassion for others and wish to dedicate ourselves to improving the lives of each and every person. So search far and wide for something you love, and dedicate yourself to it. Don't expect something in return. Just do it for the love of it. It's amazingly enriching and rewarding that way. The ending doesn't have to stop the whole show. It's a reason to enjoy the show more. 3) Permanent happiness is to be found. It's not the excitable laughter filled happiness we commonly think of. That's all well in good, but craving that also leads to heightened states of dissatisfaction when we cannot have those moments. When we practice the state of equanimity, i.e. non-judgmental awareness of what is occurring, we become open to every state of mind we have. Things don't agitate us as much. We feel comfortable. We feel satisfied. Every moment is filled with this sense of peaceful wonder and appreciation. That goes beyond happiness. It's hard to describe but once you've got it, you definitely know it. So from the Buddhist perspective, no, states of mind are not permanent, therefore we should stop holding on to what is not permanent in the expectation that we will make it last forever. When we remove this attachment to permanence, we find a greater sense of peace. Cling to that though, and you'll become victim of negative states easier. So it's a balancing act. But it becomes quite natural over time. I hope this perspective helps you. If it does not, I hope you find something that does. Thank you for reading this. Best wishes.
  17. Yes that makes sense Wally. I like the little things in life too. There's a lot of beautiful things all around us at any moment.
  18. I'm not really getting at the point of "THE meaning OF life," rather what gives YOUR life meaning. I enjoy your perspective on what makes life meaningful though. Thanks.
  19. Well my life hasn't had any difficulty when it came to those things, so I can't say I would be able to give you much advice on that. There are some medications that can increase your libido, and the mindfulness will also likely improve your sex life. But in all honesty, you won't even feel like you need it. Sex is almost nothing compared to what you experience in deep meditation and I'm comparing the best with the best on those fronts, so you can take my word for it if you wish. Deep meditative states surpass it by miles. It's one of those easy access modes to bliss that you can take wherever you want, and eventually whenever you want. You won't feel bad about it either considering it's harmless other than in some rare circumstances, which you would see well ahead of time. A lot of people are afraid that these things will detach them from life; that they'll become some kind of apathetic recluse with no care in the world. It simply isn't the case. People that go that way are either doing that because that's what they wanted, or they're quite unwise. In all reality, it will make you flow easily with whatever life brings, and you will enjoy things much more. You'll be surprised by the beauty you'll find. There was one time where I was starting a meditation and a speck of dust caught my eye. It was so beautiful to me shining in the light that my jaw dropped and I was overcome with awe...at a speck of dust. Some people have to ingest strange things to do that, but you can do it with your mind! With no side effects! Studies have shown that you'll actually be improving your overall health as well, mind you. It's a no risk venture. There is a level of detachment in the practice and that keeps you from becoming addicted to anything, but it certainly won't remove you from life and make you a zombie, and it won't remove your passions or goals in life. You can easily prevent that seeing as it would be obviously happening and take a long time to occur. A lot of people assume that you're going to lose your feelings. You won't. What will happen is that the negative ones will become much more brief and they won't stir you up and you'll learn what you need to from them, and the positive ones will last much longer and impact you on a deeper, more meaningful level. But you won't depend on either because you will find that eventually you will always feel a sense of overall peace. That is something more enriching and fulfilling than what we call happiness. It's the joy that can't be taken away from you no matter what happens. So anyway, I'm glad I could help. Always welcome to message me if you want more advice.
  20. You may want to reevaluate how important romantic relationships are to your livelihood. I wouldn't be too quick to blame yourself for them leaving you because you had some pain or faults. Relationships take two, so keep in mind that the other person has their own issues to deal with. It seems likely that the people you have been with had been expecting that perfection and when they realized they hadn't found it in you, they left to find someone else. However, they're never going to find that person. Perfect people just don't exist; our expectations are always raised and we always find fault with someone or something. If you want to find perfection, you find it with a different state of mind, not with a "newer, better, stronger, etc" person. If we don't learn how to reach contentment mentally, we will never find it. Relationships are transient things; they change frequently. It's not something you want to base your absolute happiness on. There is a much better way. While relationships with others are great opportunities to bring joy and security to others if we conduct them wisely, the most important thing in your life is your relationship to yourself. A bad relationship with yourself will be manifested in self-hatred or self-fear. Most people have self-fear, and many have self-hatred. It seems like you have self-fear. By that I mean that you are afraid, unwilling to be with, your own emotions. This causes us to be fearful of life, circumstance, and what other people may do to us. It's because we haven't settled the fears we have of our own emotions. Most people seem to go about trying to fix the world around them to no avail. They suffer like this their whole life. It's good to make the world a better place, but you can't stop people from invoking certain feelings in you by trying to maintain a constant state of unchanging perfection in everything you are concerned about in the world. It's impossible to manage that. We are trying to change things that are inherent to existence itself. So yes, there is a better way, and it's a way that ensures healthier, longer lasting relationships as well. As I said, that way is to find happiness within yourself--this means to use your mind as a way to happiness, instead of using others, items, or circumstance things they can't achieve. Those things give us temporary lifts, but inevitably the happiness fades away, and we come to the conclusion that if we just had enough of it, we would stay happy. It doesn't work out that way. Even the richest and most well-off among us deal with suffering. The fear of loss is a big one. Sometimes the more you get, the more you're afraid to lose. Loneliness is a particularly brutal emotion and trust me, I've been through some of the worst of it. So how is that done? How do we stop fearing our own emotions and find peace? There could be a variety of ways, but ultimately, in whatever form, it's going to come down to practice. We will have to face our negative emotions with kindness, with acceptance. Usually what we do is immediately show hatred or dis-ease with the emotion. We call them stupid, useless, etc. But they're a part of us. If you have a pain in your body, you don't just remove that part of your body. You recognize its uses and try to relax. You can relax with your emotions as well. The initial way to do this in the midst of something you are afraid of is to bring your attention calmly (if you can) on the sensation of breathing in your nose and you hold that focus for a few seconds. Then, you focus at the emotion and tell it that you allow it to be there and that you are going to heal together. You then sit with non-judgmental (this can be difficult at first, so don't worry about that too much yet) awareness of the emotion, allowing it to be there while simultaneously observing what it does, the effects it has, etc. This can be difficult at first so a lot of people give up here. It's something that needs practice but ultimately brings you ultimate peace with your emotions when they pop up. No longer do you have an enemy inside you. When you no longer have a fear of what you will feel, you glow with confidence and peace and people pick up on that immediately. That's a simple practice, and it's not ultimately going to bring you contentment in life. But it does, eventually, bring you peace with your emotions which is an enormous benefit in life. Once you've gotten used to this attitude towards yourself, you will be able to apply it to the things and situations around you. When something negative happens to you, you are not afraid of it because you allow it to be there initially, and you can calmly observe it. This allows you to take efficient actions that are required. It is essentially what is called mindfulness (although that term is commonly misunderstood because non-judgement is left out of it). This is something that I wish everyone practiced because it alone will dramatically improve your life over time and with practice. Eventually you just are that way naturally. The religious connotation it has should be shed, as everyone should be practicing a very simple practice that requires no religious devotion. I find myself devoted to Buddhism and that settled my depression in less than a month and has been improving my life dramatically over the last year and a half. So of course, I'm going to recommend you research Buddhism's perspective but 1) you don't have to, it is your choice 2) it may not work for you and 3) you are not required to join the religion. It's set up so people can take what they need and aren't forced to believe something they don't like. It's a philosophy/religion that encourages you to try things out before you believe in them. Thank you for reading all this, and again, best wishes.
  21. From what I've seen from my experience, It's hard to keep loving someone and enjoying life when we expect that person (or event) to be perfect for us and somehow make our lives perfect and fulfilled. It really is our thoughts that damage us the most and a loved one can't exactly change that FOR you. They can guide you, but you are in charge of your thoughts. It starts there. We don't like others to expect us to be perfect, so we should not expect it of them either. Help each other grow, but don't require perfection to be accepted. We expect too much out of other people. We expect them to complete us, and then by that expectation we find them disappointing us again and again. This non-acceptance of the person's capacity will eventually drive them away because they can't just make their partner happy and it's always expected of them. We expect others to be perfect. We expect them to be a dream. No one is perfect, everyone lives within reality. We have limits at any given moment. We need to accept those. The highest love is truly felt by those who have taken the views of non-judgement and compassion--not expectation. We're missing the big point which is that while love is a great experience in life (unless it goes sour), it is not what makes us fulfilled or ultimately satisfies us. We think they do by observing and imagining those "perfect relationships" without seeing any of what's behind the screen. There is a lot of pain that is involved with being in love. It's part of expecting things outside of ourselves to always be perfect for us. When you say you're surrounded by people and still feel empty, it's a red flag that your perspective needs to change, and you probably realize that because you're reaching out for advice. From my own experience, and from what I've seen from countless others both personally and in media, is that the best route to stable happiness is by working from the inside out. Expect yourself to make you happy. Be a friend to yourself. Be aware of your thoughts. Don't hold on to judgments of yourself or others or circumstances. Start working from the mind outward instead of expecting an always changing world to provide stable satisfaction. It hardly, if ever, seems to work out that way. Pain is inherent to existence but suffering can be avoidable. Perhaps you try what I suggest and it doesn't work out for you. That's okay. There are other ways out there. I've found this to be the most successful in my experience so I recommend it. When our mind is at peace, everything in this world is a thing of its own beauty, and we find ourselves content in any circumstance. If you want more specifics, let me know. Thanks for reading. Best wishes.
  22. There is always something that can be done, Sutra :) It's very healthy to seek support and we'd be glad to help you out, but please don't believe that you can never be happy again because if you know you can't, you never will. Hopefully you can find a sort of peace with what you have, because that's a higher, more stable happiness than what we commonly think as that joyful happiness where we're carelessly bouncing off the walls. That kind of happiness is unstable, fleeting. It becomes something that we get addicted to, and end up constantly worrying about having it again. Find an internal peace in the midst of all the waves and you will experience a very wonderful life. Best wishes, and I hope you find what you're looking for here. Strive on :)
  23. Welcome to the forums! You've joined a wonderful community :) You will definitely get that support here. Best wishes!
  24. This is a big one, but I'm very thankful that I have been named the official president of the Buddhist club I started going to over the past 8 or 9 months. Joining in the first place was a huge leap for me, but they have been the kindest people I've ever known and now they put me in charge. It's helping me feel more important and cared about So much has changed in the last year of my life. I'm thankful for all of it. Things can change for the better so quickly without us even expecting it.
  25. It's great that you have a passion for life despite the difficulty it brings. Thank you for sharing.
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