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shlunka

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About shlunka

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  1. One time I was waiting in line for a movie, and someone (young woman if I recall correctly) said (Are you okay?) So I informed her that I felt life was a meaningless endeavor and that I was attending the movie in an attempt to prevaricate from the depression that will likely one day be my undoing. She stared, mouth open, and attempted to console me. Sometimes humanity can display this kind of nursing beauty, but more often then not the person would just look at me like I was some sort of deranged psychopath.
  2. Welcome to the forum! May I inquire, did the numbness come about only after being put on the medication? If so, it may be wise to consult with the doc about changing your prescription. I, too, have difficulty meeting people (mostly due to a fear of going into public and being forced into small-talk, which is something I'm simply very clumsy at doing.) Wish you the best, cheers!
  3. How old would you be if you didnt know how old you are? 16, I look very young for 19 and I'm as naive and stupid as a 16 year old. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Failing. The thought of failure is crippling to a perfectionist. (Also wouldn't want to fail at, say, skydiving.) If life is so short, why do we do so many things we dont like and like so many things we dont do? Due to the requirements of living in a productive society. We need to work to survive, maintain our homes, and all to what end? The forlorn hope that we find somebody or something to make this monotonous and absurd existence worth living. When its all said and done, will you have said more than youve done? I'm an introvert, but I don't really do anything, good question. What is the one thing youd most like to change about the world? The food. Kidding... I would change humanity, advance the mind of each individual to the point where current problems would be solved through understanding rather than brutality. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? My current work, newspaper cartooning. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I believe that, as an artist, it is my obligation to either amuse or amaze other beings stuck in this dismal reality. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I'd never go to a hospital, because nobody would be a doctor. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? Requires that free will exists. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing things correctly. Many moralities are subject to scrutiny, what I view as morally correct may be morally abhorrent to another. I try to make people and animals happy. Youre having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I'd inform them that gossip is a past-time for the parvanimic, and that they are undeserving of my respect. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Crawl back into the womb while you still can. Would you break the law to save a loved one? I would break most any laws to save a loved one. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? My life, and my work. Whats something you know you do differently than most people? I put creamer in the cup before the coffee. I don't live my life by hedonistic pursuits, no drinking, no pursuing meaningless sex, no adrenaline. These things mean little to me. How come the things that make you happy dont make everyone happy? Some people are allergic to cats. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? Whats holding you back? I want to dance with a woman, but am too afraid to attend a dance, let alone ask someone to accompany me in kinetic poetry. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Loathing of humanity. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? New Zealand. It's beautiful, and I want to see a hobbit. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? I take the steps to avoid the music and possibility of seeing other people. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? With an IQ of 144, I can say that I would much prefer to live a simple life filled with glee. Why are you, you? Environment and genetics. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Unlikely. I'm too emotionally distant. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Having experienced both, the former. What are you most grateful for? The few individuals I can call my friends, the quotidian sunset and sunrise. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Lose all my old memories. Perhaps a new start would make my existence more productive. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Of course. Cursory sensory perceptions are misguided without careful contemplation. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Yes, I am a hermit. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Yes, the same things bother me. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? Seeing my family happy together. I don't see it anymore. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Getting a hand-written letter from the New Yorker, encouraging me to continue cartooning. If not now, then when? Rhetorical, whenever I am ready. If you havent achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Failure would decimate my self-esteem. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? I was once having a depressive episode, slumped over a railing, head hung, eyes gazing for something to care for. A stranger put their hand on my soldier, smiled, and walked away. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Misguided followers and the bounteous imperfections of the religions themselves. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No. I merely follow natural instincts, and attempt to apply logic (utilitarian usually) to determine morality. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? No. But I would have a nicer pen. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? The latter. Do you feel like youve lived this day a hundred times before? More or less. Repetition of the certain is the friend of he who fears failure. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Most of my life. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? I would be incapacitated by emotion. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Aesthetics mean nothing to me, and what good is fame without having admirable talent? What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Joy. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? Never. The moment one ceases to be cognizant of consequences, one ceases to think. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Mistakes reveal our shortcomings and incapabilities. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Nothing really. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Yesterday, when breathing heavily caused sharp pains in my damaged scapula muscles. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love to make people laugh, to remind them that existence isn't always futile and filled with dread. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that? Too vague to answer. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? My purpose in life is to make others happy, their emotions are essential to all my decisions.
  4. Thanks, but go read a Richard Dawkins book and snap out of your ****** delusion! Or read Kant, Nietzsche, Hegel, Schopenhaur, Plato, Aristotle, Heidegger, Kierkegaard, Sartre, Russell, Mill, and Wittgenstein. After those, read Dawkins and Hawking. After that, attempt to contemplate why individuals believe in a deity despite you not believing (Yes, I'm an atheist). Recognize their beliefs as deeply rooted cultural and emotional prerogatives, and attempt to address them civilly or simply not address them at all. I read your post, society has been monstrous to you, but that does not mean you must return the brutality upon those who never drew your blood. I don't understand some of your feelings, but misanthropy has been a major factor in my life since childhood. You may always hate humans, I still do with the exception of a few, but you can learn to respect them.
  5. Congratulations on having a family (I have a cat, which apparently means I can't send him to school or worry about his girlfriends). Both creating and studying art were the only things that saved me from the abyss that is depression. I hope you find the individuals here easy to communicate with. In some time, I took the numbers from your post and did a few things: 6x4= 24. 24+27= 51. 27/3=9. 51-9=42. 42, of course, is the meaning of life.
  6. Ah, er, another misanthrope. Though, different from myself... I loathe humanity collectively, the things it does to itself and the environment around it. Often people will say "Well, not every human (or even many people) intend to hurt others or the environment.", and perhaps I do draw fallacies of composition. But, view humanity as a club. The club follows a mob mentality, majority rules. And the majority of this particular club have voted for: Environmental destruction, war, ethnic hatred, racism, genocide, and pervasive restrictions on the happiness of other members both outside and inside the club. Perhaps the worst thing about misanthropy is... the need for social interaction. Even introverted individuals often have their limits when it comes to seclusion, only to come out of their secure inner worlds to be hurt by the society they have done nothing to.
  7. I hope you are having a marvelous day! LGJ

  8. I remember prior to my troubles with depression, class clown, witty, always had something funny to say in person. I liked it that way, it gave me purpose. My current "occupation" involves drawing comedic cartoons, something I think I'm good at, but don't really know "I'm terrified of opening myself up to criticism". But, have since completely lost the ability to be funny in casual conversation. No more retorts on criticisms, no more non-sequitor correlations, I just can't think of anything. For many people this could be inconsequential, but, comedy is my life, and suddenly lacking it in a particular area makes me feel useless.
  9. For me, it's tiny things. From the way someone smiles, nuances in voice, loud noises, being physically touched by someone. It's the depression making you feel this way, it's a burden, just don't let it consume your personality and make you unsociable.
  10. Life is boring, I'm boring, environmental causation.

  11. Terribly scripted pornographic films are totally worth trading my happiness for.
  12. Nothing really matters.

  13. Exercise never helped me... I would simply revert back to the same depressed state moments after finishing a workout.
  14. I've felt "get used to the egocentric atmosphere of this post" anhedonic towards things ever since acquiring depression several years ago. Starting off with simple things, just feeling bored while watching television, lacking interest in academic performance, etc. Lately, however, it has been utterly fractal, infecting every aspect of my behavior. I don't FEEL anything but melancholy and a persisting indifference that makes even easy menial tasks become great undertakings. I'm on meds, and have gotten them doubled the last couple days, but to no avail. It's not simply the day to day monotony of life that I feel indifferent towards, it's my entire being. My entire existence! From start to finish! Every moment of life from now on will be marked with indifference coupled with melancholic undertones including various break-downs. So what if I achieve success!? It means nothing to me, nothing will EVER make me happy. NOTHING. So I find the "love of my life", what is love anyways? The occasional romance coupled with jovial greetings throughout the day? Further feelings of affection and purpose through discussing similar interests? What is it!? What does it mean!? It means NOTHING to me. What of friendship? I had one true friend outside of this forum, now they're gone because I f***ed up. How poetic! I have NO FRIENDS. I relate to nobody, not one single living human being that I have ever had the "grace" of discovering, and I've discovered thousands. I will NEVER have friends. Never. You know why? Because I'm utterly unlovable. I don't want to learn anything about the world, I don't care for knowledge, because the only thing that matters to me is entertainment. Guess what? I can entertain just about anyone, but never myself. Nothing I do that brings about laughs from uncountable amounts of people derives even a nuance of a smirk from me. I once thought that maybe I had something to contribute to this world. Art of sorts. But no, there lies my two novels unfinished, never to be resumed again. I still draw a lot, but am too frightened to share them with anyone because what if they don't like them? What if? My life is filled with suppositions fueled by my rampant inferiority complex that decided to give its ultimatum with this wretched f***ing anhedonia that's becoming increasingly pernicious as life goes on. So what if I end up great at what I do best, I won't be happy. Because my personal life will never achieve any sort of level of fulfillment. NEVER, "Notice the use of determinate language. Things haven't changed for the better, but vicissitudes the entirety of my young adult life!" Then let's move on to another factor. Even if I can contribute something, even some sort of works of genius, it all turns inconsequential in the end. Why? Because humanity is destined to inevitable destruction. Every bit of scientific progress we make, the beautiful symphonic compositions and the arts, the works of diligent beings that collectively form human culture, are all going to disappear someday. Boom, gone. Nothing. And anything that I could ever imagine accomplishing gets rubbed to a smooth, microscopic, pebble by the sands of time. After all, I'm one in 7 billion. 7 Billion! What a number! So what if I'm in the upper tier of talent and intelligence. There will be BILLIONS more individuals over the course of humanity that will exceed my abilities in EVERY aspect of life. Premature obsolescence! There you have it! I don't feel joy, and anything I could ever possibly contribute to the world is infinitesimal and dismissable. ANYTHING. There is nothing for me to offer substantially, or even marginally, to human kind. Nothing. And that crushes me, crushes me to a little useless pile of pulp. But that doesn't matter, my trials don't matter, my suffering is irrelevant to humanity. So what if I build myself back up, I'll never stop ruminating, never. My life will be filled consistently with existential nihilism rumination, filled to the brim. And the worst part, oh here's the kicker, there's nothing I can do about it.
  15. I once had dozens, if not hundreds, of friends. Not talking online or facebook, but people who I could call at any point in the day and ask to hang out or get favors from. As my depression worsened, I became somewhat anhedonic towards friendly conversations and utterly scared of meeting new people. Now, I have less than a handful of friends outside this forum. How to get back into the swing of things? Fix the depression first. After that, work your way up, start with texts or emails, then discuss old times, then work your way back into meeting the person again.
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