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lp44

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  1. Like
    lp44 got a reaction from JD4010 in Everything Takes So Much Effort....so Tired Of Waiting To Feel Differently...can't Do This Anymore   
    I work full time M-F and have a lot of other responsibilities as well in my life. I hide my overall misunderstood emptiness and sadness pretty well. On the weekends I want nothing more than to hide from the world and just watch movies all weekend in isolation and total silence. Its like I have expended all the energy I have M-F to give and cope....and try to keep it all together. I have been on Viibryd for about 8 weeks now, and although I think it helps some, it is not without a cost in some ways. I wake up at 2:30 or 3 every morning and find it hard to go back to sleep....then come 5:30 when the alarm goes off I dont want to get up.
    I am tired of fighting this and just want to give up. I keep waiting to feel differently, but never have more than moments of joy in my life. Thats no way to live. :( I did not use to be like this. I feel like I have no reason to be like this....that just makes me feel more guilty. I almost can't take responsibilities on the weekend(but have no choice because I always have them) because if I can't retreat from the world those two days Im not ready to face the work week.
    Speaking of.....gotta take my boy to a baseball game....and make small talk there even if I dont want to....
    Dont know what I am expecting here...just needed to say that I guess.
  2. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from adamrparr in Not even sure what I need, just to be seen I guess   
    It's been a while since I've been on the forum.....just trying to navigate life and all.
    I'm not even sure what I'm needing right now even (not knowing how I feel or what I need....makes me feel ridiculous...makes me not want to reach out anywhere because I think wth who cant identify such things?)  Anyway, I guess after so much work on my life the last two years I can't believe I'm not in a better place rn...or "farther down the road in this process." 
    Short version:  In the past two years.....well go back four years for the start of therapy for the first time(eating disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD)....then 28 months ago made the decision myself to check into a residential eating disorder treatment facility...that gave me the "free and quiet space" I needed in my life to come home and end my 22 year old marriage due to not being able to live with anger, narcissism and emotional abuse anymore.  He was a high profile person in our community, so I lost probably 95% of my friend base because....ya know I'm the crazy, selfish, evil person and all.  Too much to go into but he launched this huge campaign to make sure I was thrown under the bus.  But...I kept what matters honestly...a few loyal friends and my kids knew truth.  However, I cannot even begin to say how ugly it has been.  Hard to survive
    As to the ed... wow what a battle that has been to come back from.  I had one for pretty much 30 years before seeking help....lots of work there....especially since I was not able to do a step down program after residential....then to go back to the firestorm that was my life...as in I'm the one that filed for divorce.   As things related to the ed get better at times, the depression and anxiety skyrocket.  Throw in there two moves and leaving a harmful job for a new one last spring....and my youngest going to college...and OMGosh its been a fight.  New job is better, but extremely intense and out of my comfort zone so I work non stop.
    Many things are better...but  I would still classify myself as someone with an ed...anxiety is ridiculous...and again as I do better with food...depression is so hard.
    I feel like I have fought so hard. Fallen. Gotten back up. Fallen again...fought more.  To be here still??  I'm so tired....so frustrated...and....things with my therapist  feel so stuck.  Shes amazing and I know its not uncommon...but I feel like wtf I worked this hard to be here?
    Holidays are of course hard....I'm a teacher and out of my routine...which is always hard even if I need the break.  My kids are home from college...which is wonderful...but very stressful too...then I feel guilty for feeling stressed about it.
    I need a reason to keep trying..I need resolve.  I just feel like this is good as it gets for me, and thats just not ok after all I have fought through.  Not cool at all.  I feel like I've fallen down and I'm just too tired to get back up and keep fighting.  Im so scary low.
  3. Like
    lp44 got a reaction from BeyondWeary in Not even sure what I need, just to be seen I guess   
    Thank you :)
    It's just hard to see where I started and how far I've come.  It's scary the all or nothing and f it mindset I can get in.  So much struggle for so long. Remaking your life comes at a high price.  Its cost me so much...yet I know I have gained parts of me back that have been gone for so very long.  At times I just think "has it all been worth it at all?"  
    I'm so worn out.
    Again...thanks so much for responding.  I appreciate it.
  4. Like
    lp44 reacted to BeyondWeary in Not even sure what I need, just to be seen I guess   
    Great to see you back. Thanks for sharing. You sure have gotten through a lot. I admire your courage. I understand how frustrating it is to work so hard on yourself and feel like things should be better then this. I think sometimes the work that we do takes a while to be able to see good results. Also it's like a spiral staircase, you may feel you are stuck in a bad place yet the truth is that you have moved up a lot. It is just that you still have the same issues just at a different level. 
    Hope you hang in there as I think it will pay off eventually. You have come so far already. 
    BW
  5. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from BeyondWeary in Not even sure what I need, just to be seen I guess   
    It's been a while since I've been on the forum.....just trying to navigate life and all.
    I'm not even sure what I'm needing right now even (not knowing how I feel or what I need....makes me feel ridiculous...makes me not want to reach out anywhere because I think wth who cant identify such things?)  Anyway, I guess after so much work on my life the last two years I can't believe I'm not in a better place rn...or "farther down the road in this process." 
    Short version:  In the past two years.....well go back four years for the start of therapy for the first time(eating disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD)....then 28 months ago made the decision myself to check into a residential eating disorder treatment facility...that gave me the "free and quiet space" I needed in my life to come home and end my 22 year old marriage due to not being able to live with anger, narcissism and emotional abuse anymore.  He was a high profile person in our community, so I lost probably 95% of my friend base because....ya know I'm the crazy, selfish, evil person and all.  Too much to go into but he launched this huge campaign to make sure I was thrown under the bus.  But...I kept what matters honestly...a few loyal friends and my kids knew truth.  However, I cannot even begin to say how ugly it has been.  Hard to survive
    As to the ed... wow what a battle that has been to come back from.  I had one for pretty much 30 years before seeking help....lots of work there....especially since I was not able to do a step down program after residential....then to go back to the firestorm that was my life...as in I'm the one that filed for divorce.   As things related to the ed get better at times, the depression and anxiety skyrocket.  Throw in there two moves and leaving a harmful job for a new one last spring....and my youngest going to college...and OMGosh its been a fight.  New job is better, but extremely intense and out of my comfort zone so I work non stop.
    Many things are better...but  I would still classify myself as someone with an ed...anxiety is ridiculous...and again as I do better with food...depression is so hard.
    I feel like I have fought so hard. Fallen. Gotten back up. Fallen again...fought more.  To be here still??  I'm so tired....so frustrated...and....things with my therapist  feel so stuck.  Shes amazing and I know its not uncommon...but I feel like wtf I worked this hard to be here?
    Holidays are of course hard....I'm a teacher and out of my routine...which is always hard even if I need the break.  My kids are home from college...which is wonderful...but very stressful too...then I feel guilty for feeling stressed about it.
    I need a reason to keep trying..I need resolve.  I just feel like this is good as it gets for me, and thats just not ok after all I have fought through.  Not cool at all.  I feel like I've fallen down and I'm just too tired to get back up and keep fighting.  Im so scary low.
  6. Like
    lp44 got a reaction from nojoy in new words stop racing thoughts   
    Can you think of a word or phrase that you can associate with something that is meaningful or positive? 
    A word/phrase in a meaningful song? From a special vacation? 
  7. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from Kogent5 in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 
    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 
    That is so messed up I realize. 
    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 
    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 
  8. Like
    lp44 got a reaction from MaepleSyrup in Bad Luck Streak Continues - Put my pet to sleep   
    I am so sorry for your losses. That takes time to process through and for the pain to begin to ease up. It never totally goes away. Probably the best dog I've ever had died in 2014. There are days when things are very hard that I still miss her and want to talk to her. Our pets listen intently with no judgement. They can sense when we are in distress and stay close. It's a powerful bond, or can be. 💙
    As to weight loss, that's so hard and takes such persistence. Eating several smaller meals a day (vs three big ones) helps keep your metabolism up. Avoiding processed foods helps, portion control matters and you might consider consulting a dietitian. Having an accountability partner is super powerful too. Don't try to start too many new habits at one time. Imo you kinda set yourself up for failure when you do that. As you can, brisk walks 3-4 times a day will help kick things off too. 
  9. Like
    lp44 reacted to Epictetus in Bad Luck Streak Continues - Put my pet to sleep   
    Hi Maxx55,
         Oh, how many terrible losses you have suffered lately ! ! !   I am so, very, very sorry.  I can't even imagine what you are going through.  My heart goes out to you.
         I am 64 years old and the only diet that worked for me was a low-carb diet plus exercise.  Not sure if that is even a healthy diet, but it did help me shed the pounds and pretty quickly too.  Please do not try any diet/exercise regimen without first consulting with your doctor.  I'm sure a doctor would have really helpful advice about losing weigh.  Please do not rely on anything I might say about losing weight.  I am not a doctor and you deserve the best!    - epictetus
  10. Like
    lp44 got a reaction from Epictetus in Bad Luck Streak Continues - Put my pet to sleep   
    I am so sorry for your losses. That takes time to process through and for the pain to begin to ease up. It never totally goes away. Probably the best dog I've ever had died in 2014. There are days when things are very hard that I still miss her and want to talk to her. Our pets listen intently with no judgement. They can sense when we are in distress and stay close. It's a powerful bond, or can be. 💙
    As to weight loss, that's so hard and takes such persistence. Eating several smaller meals a day (vs three big ones) helps keep your metabolism up. Avoiding processed foods helps, portion control matters and you might consider consulting a dietitian. Having an accountability partner is super powerful too. Don't try to start too many new habits at one time. Imo you kinda set yourself up for failure when you do that. As you can, brisk walks 3-4 times a day will help kick things off too. 
  11. Like
    lp44 got a reaction from MarkintheDark in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    Thank you so much for your response. It's hard to give myself compassion enough to say I'm doing my best. That doesn't come easy for me. 
    I appreciate you taking the time to respond. 🙂
  12. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from JessiesMom in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 
    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 
    That is so messed up I realize. 
    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 
    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 
  13. Thanks
    lp44 reacted to BeyondWeary in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    So sorry you have been in a lot of pain. I can relate. How are you doing today?
    BW
  14. Thanks
    lp44 reacted to sober4life in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    Yeah I'm tired of being strong too.  The people around me have forced me to become an award winning actor in my life.  How dare they put me in such a position where there is no trust whatsoever and I feel I have to keep up appearances.  All of this is hard enough as it is and then "family and friends" have to put us through this.  It's absurd!  Today they had the nerve to ask me are you sure you are well enough to drive home?  They couldn't keep me from leaving if they tried!  I keep fighting because I know I'm leaving soon.  That's about it.
  15. Thanks
    lp44 reacted to Epictetus in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I'm so sorry you are suffering, LP ! ! !  You deserve so much better than you have received in life.  I would like to write more to you but unfortunately pain in my hands prevents me from typing for very long.  I do want you to know that you are in thoughts ! ! !   - epictetus
  16. Thanks
    lp44 reacted to MarkintheDark in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    You're right, yours is not a unique post.  What's important is that you're in distress.  What's also important, as if I have to remind you or anyone, you reached out to your sisters and brothers here.  Messed up?  According to whom?  You're hurting and doing the best you can with it.  Perhaps those points can be a smidge of comfort.
    Instead of sh, is there something else that will help distract you?  My go-to lately to sidestep the torturous physical symptoms of anxiety attacks has been binging Netflix.  Yep, I'm serious.  Oh, I've so wished it was something that would get me outta bed, but sometimes that's the best I can do.  Nope, it's not enuf, but it just has to do.
    For some reason I've noticed so many of us posting the same thought here lately.  It's effin' exhausting to keep up appearances. 
    idk that's it's a solution, as such, but I just avoid putting myself in situations in which I have to wear the facade.  Heck, I'll even just lie to get myself clear of a situation that's stressful.  It's important I respect MY limitations, even if no one else understands my actions.  Again, not necessarily the solution I want, but it's often the best I can do at the moment and, frankly, the best I can manage on self-care.
     
  17. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from BeyondWeary in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 
    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 
    That is so messed up I realize. 
    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 
    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 
  18. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from anon22ae in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 
    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 
    That is so messed up I realize. 
    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 
    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 
  19. Like
    lp44 got a reaction from nojoy in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 
    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 
    That is so messed up I realize. 
    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 
    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 
  20. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from Camellia in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 
    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 
    That is so messed up I realize. 
    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 
    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 
  21. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from Epictetus in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 
    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 
    That is so messed up I realize. 
    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 
    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 
  22. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from MarkintheDark in Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.   
    I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 
    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 
    That is so messed up I realize. 
    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 
    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 
  23. Like
    lp44 reacted to MaepleSyrup in Self-Love Thread   
    From the time that I have joined these forums, I have seen that many of us either struggle or don't hold any love or value towards ourselves because of the internal battle we are constantly fighting. Depression is hard- we all can admit that. And it's especially hard when we bring hate or disgrace upon ourselves: the only person we truly have at the end of the day. The only person we've known our entire darn lives. While it can be difficult, we all should try giving a little love towards ourselves each day. We certainly deserve it. We've made it this far, and we all should be proud of ourselves for making it to the next day, despite the struggles we currently face.
    Make this a challenge- everyday, you should try to either reward, give, or do something for yourself that you would enjoy or love. Maybe that's treating yourself to your favorite coffee place, buying something nice for yourself, or maybe even gift yourself with a lazy, relaxing, stress-free day. Anything that you either love doing or would simply make you happy, whether small or big, you should try to do that for yourself. Make YOURSELF happy- love yourself. That's the goal here.
    Pehaps even complimenting yourself could make you happy, too. Try going the entire day with ONLY compliments towards yourself- no insults or bringing yourself down. Remind yourself of your favorite traits or little things about yourself.
    Like I said, I know it might be hard but that is why it's a challenge. Maybe if you make it a week or even a month, take the day off and just do whatever you enjoy most :)
    We all deserve a little self-love and positivity :D Feel free to share your progress or experiences in the discussion!
  24. Sad
    lp44 got a reaction from Kogent5 in It needs to matter   
    This post will likely ramble.  I'm going to go shopping to distract myself shortly but I guess I need a place to put it all.
    My grief today feels so overwhelming.
    In the past little over a year....I  chose to go to residential treatment for an eating disorder. (humbling experience let me tell ya...but something I knew I needed to do after 3 decades with an ed and never having sought treatment)  I stepped into the unknown partially to stop and have peace long enough to find a fraction of value in myself...and to live for a moment in a safe environment in which to give myself permission to make the hard decision that I knew I needed to make but had been struggling for two years with)
    I ended my 22 year marriage.  No one had an affair but I couldn't live in toxicity anymore.  I couldn't live with a bully anymore.  I couldn't live with emotional abuse anymore.
    Insert losing 95% of my friend base (he was a prominent figure in our little world)
    Letters of judgement...emails...calls....I am "out of sight and out of mind" to most everyone....forgotten...tho I had 20 years of service to the community of people we were a part of. 
    The last year has been flooded with overwhelming grief the likes of which I have never...and will likely never experience again.
    Depression. Anxiety. Relapse. Im better as far as the ed is concerned, but not where I need to be.  Ive about decided "this is as good as it gets"  IDK  I feel so defeated.
    I am a fighter. I am a survivor.  I have fought. I have had help.  I don't know where to go from here. 
    This past year has been so hard.  The holidays of course feel like this blanket of sorrow and sometimes a bit of happiness....that honestly just make depression worse even if you try to find hope.
    I can't have worked so hard for it to end like this.  I don't know what else to do
    I feel like...in my real life world....although I am trying to keep my kids together that it would not matter in the least if I crash and burn.  I feel like my imprint on the world has been meaningless.
     
     
  25. Thanks
    lp44 reacted to MLJ in It needs to matter   
    It sounds like you have made great strides to get your life and eating disorder under control and put in a lot of hard work. I’m sorry about you losing friends over it and I can relate to the toxic environment of a marriage as you describe. That old saying “things will get worse before they get better” seems to ring true to me. Sometimes we know what we need to do in order to move forward in life even though how difficult it will be to go thru it. I admire you for taking that step. It seems like everything bad always hits at once. Try to look beyond your current circumstance and see what lies ahead. Your goal. Keep pressing forward. Things will improve, even if it’s little at a time. Stay strong. Stay focused. I wish you the best.
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