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Everything posted by lp44

  1. Thank you Fizzle. Always so helpful. Always really giving. I hope you see that. Epic win in T yesterday, although it completely exhausted me. For the first time ever I was able to read out loud in T something I had written. It was a dream, but one of "remembering.". In other words, actual real events. Hardest.thing.ever. I balked at writing things out for the longest. Then I balked at the thought of reading something out loud.... but I do see its benefits. It was ridiculously difficult. But I didn't react as badly as I thought I would. I have come a long way in this journey. When I can take a step back I can see that.
  2. Thank you so much Callie, Topics have just been a tad intense. She has recently brought up the need for "self soothing skills" for post therapy. (whatever the heck that even means for me really). They must be better than sh and ed behaviors.
  3. Thank you. I know it's needed and will hopefully make me better, but omg it's super difficult.
  4. It hurts nearly intolerably literally throughout my entire body. I've never seen anything like it. I keep waiting for that to get easier. Problem here? We have barely scratched the surface. :( Thank you Fizzle.
  5. For crying out loud When will I better know how to tolerate the hours post therapy when I feel so very bad? So very raw So very vulnerable. This feeling is almost intolerable. It hurts and I hate it.
  6. Vulnerability is an almost crippling thing for me. I hate being vulnerable.... So yes I get it. :)
  7. Thanks for posting this. "For a while I could almost dissociate at will." Oh gosh I identify. I was unaware for years that this is really what I was doing. WAY high functioning depressed person. Way high achieving depressed person. I too was good at it. I *am* good at it. Difference is I am aware more that this is what I am doing now. Its totally more difficult to function once you know what you are doing. (sometimes... not all the time) Its a total survival mechanism.... still... even now....
  8. My "symptoms" started around 17. Said "symptoms" take many forms.
  9. Definitely not free, but I needed it anyway. Thanks :)
  10. Thanks Duck! Generally I do just go once a week. I'm just a big mess right now.
  11. Thanks so much :) I did get to thinking if I was inpatient somewhere for my ed then I would see a T three times a week. I went. I don't feel so intense today.
  12. Thank you Bigmike. I so appreciate the encouragement. Yes it's been over a year since I started going off and on to therapy. It's very consistent now. The process has been slow but, yes, steady and noticeable victories. I think if I'm being honest we are only just now peering into the deeper layers of my issues. I don't even begin to know what to do with emotions I've never allowed before. That's what nearly got me into trouble Thursday night. I'm still here. I'm still going. Thank you :)
  13. Thank you. Fizzle. :) I did go in this afternoon. The expense is huge tho and I can't do that very often. I just can't afford it. Last night... well if I would have had the means to "neatly" follow through with not good things I absolutely would have. I didn't have anything available. Uh... back to therapy I knew I had to go. It was triggered by Thursdays therapy session. Yes, dreams are coming into play. Discussing the dreams led to my saying..."ok this part is real from my life.... this part didn't really happen....I mean the ____ wasn't real." T then said, "uh how exactly do you define______." Omg continued to be difficult from there. I'm just dealing with so much. So many things I have denied or downplayed in my life. This is absolutely the most intense time of year for me at work. Taking time off isn't an option. I do wish, however, I could go to T twice a week for the rest of the school year. That would help a lot. Thanks again.....I appreciate it. As always.
  14. Thank you Callie. Life is seriously unraveling right now that's for sure. I went. It helped some. I do have a good T. One moment at a time.
  15. Short version: I'm in a very bad place. The story behind why doesn't really matter. I see a great T once a week generally. Sometimes twice a week. This evening's session was so intense. I've I went in Monday, then today as well. First, I'm so right there on the edge I'm pretty sure I can't go to work tomorrow. Second, I need to be right back at the therapists office if she has an opening. Does that sound a "bit over the top?" I mean.. therapy three times in a single week?! Come on! And I need honesty, not just what you think I might want to hear. Thank you if you have time to respond tonight.
  16. Thank you Callie Gosh being half awake half asleep would be terrible. Terrible indeed. :( T suggests I try to read what I wrote when I am able. I didn't really think about them increasing when stress is higher. Totally fits. Fun times, Fun times....
  17. Thank you Fizzle. I just get p***** off at my brain for taking over! Lol If course I get mad at myself for everything all the time.
  18. Hi :) I apologize for just now responding. Hard patch right now. I'm so sorry you can relate. Yes I often dread sleeping. I get it completely. Are you in therapy? Have you tried talking about it? I've gone so far as to write mine down... Well the main one. I actually sent it to my T but haven't talked much about it. I hope you can find peace with yours. :)
  19. A person can't control what they dream for crying out loud. Nightmares, especially when they are the same one over and over are very hard. I can't make them stop. If you keep Pandora's Box closed, shi! Like this doesn't happen. :(
  20. For me the mental fatigue *is* what's the hardest. Physically I don't have a lot of depression symptoms. I go non stop with only 5-6 hours of sleep a night. 7-8 on the weekends. Mental fatigue? That makes me work slow even when I have deadlines in my face. I've learned to see the cycle and realize that I get it all done for the most part.... Although not always perfectly like what I wanted. The mental fatigue is horrible. I hear ya
  21. Thank you. :)I'm really trying not to call my Dr. right now. I'm not sure what's best.
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