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Everything posted by lp44

  1. A friend sent this to me. It touched my heart. Thought it might help someone else here. WE ALL HAVE TENDER PLACES It's easy to say "I love you". It's easy to talk about love, and presence, and awareness, and a deep acceptance of what is. It's easy to teach, to say things that sound true, and good, and spiritual. But they are just words. There is a world before words. When anger surges, as it will, can you stay close, and not numb it, or lash out? When fear bursts in the body, can you breathe into it, and not fuse with it, or run away into stories? When you feel hurt, rejected, unloved, abandoned, can you make room for that feeling, welcome it in the body, bow to its intensity, its fire, its presence, and not attack, or act out, or call people names? Can you commit to not abandoning yourself now that you need your own love the most? It's easy to talk about love. It's easy to teach. Until our old wounds are opened. Until life doesn't go our way. What triggers you is inviting you to a deeper self-love. Can you see? There is no shame in this: We all have tender places. - Jeff Foster
  2. Thank you highanxiety so very much. I appreciate your kind words. I feel like I take more than I give here. I don't mean to. People here are so great. I'm trying to hang on. It's super hard to fight every day. I know people here do get it. Thanks again!
  3. Thank you for this post. I very much appreciate your words. I'm in therapy. With an excellent therapist. I just had no idea when I started therapy that I would have to fight this hard. I'm trying to keep going. Thank you again... So much
  4. :( hope I can adopt that belief at some point
  5. Oh Callie :) You rock... just saying. Thank you for being you. I really wish you would tho. I wish everybody would. It would make it easier.
  6. Thank you. No not really ok Not sure there is an exit for my depression. Its all too complicated. But it's ok too, I'm just one person.
  7. I feel like I'm going crazy I feel too messed up for even what I know is an excellent therapist. I should have left well enough alone, ya know "let sleeping dogs lie." I wish I hadn't started this journey I've never known adulthood without an ed This has no end I hold my breath every time I cut. Like I'm determined to prove I can handle anything. I give up. I just wish everyone would let go of me already so I can give up.
  8. Being "on" is the most stressful thing ever. I completely understand. You are right I think people don't really know what to do so they go with what they think might help. However, like so many things you simply can't knew till you have "walked that proverbial mile." It is "painful to be with people and painful to be alone." Sorry it's been so hard.
  9. I do think they exist. They are just rare. Don't know if this helps or makes it worse but I really believe I have one. She was the second one I tried, but after 30 years of knowing I needed one finding someone who I think I can work through things with on the second swing is pretty awesome. I do think they are out there. Being understood and validated is half the battle isn't it?
  10. That was nothing short of eloquent. Period. :) You must soak that in and know that. Could you print that out and leave it somewhere for her to read? As a mom that would touch my heart and subsequently change my path dramatically.... Towards a more understanding heart. Please know that while you can't possibly catch a vision of it that a better day is possible. You are bright and articulate. You can see your way to a clearer vision. I'm proud of those words... Proud of your courage and I don't even know you. :)
  11. Hi Emily, Welcome. :) First I am so sorry for all the pain that I know both you and your daughter are in. That is super scary as a mom to feel helpless to know what step to take next. Scary for her because she doesn't know what to do to make it better. I also want to say that you should be proud of who you are as a person that she felt like she could risk something so big in telling you about her attempts. I have felt like suicide is an option and believe me outside of my therapist I chose very carefully the one person in my day to day life that I could release that information to. It was very difficult. She took that first step in telling you. Now you are reaching out to find ways to help. Kudos again. Just for whatever my opinion is worth she needs to see a doctor you both trust and she can benefit from a therapist. Each person is different. Each depression struggle is different. Each treatment plan is different. Please keep us posted! While yes it could take a while, Things can be better!
  12. I just need a random place for honesty right now. Some here know my story (sort of) It really doesn't matter right now... I've fairly regularly seen a therapist for 1.5 years. She is excellent. Goes above and beyond. Good therapist. Good person. She specializes in what I need. I've had this issue my whole adult life. Depression has been a by product I think. I do not know adulthood without it. It's like I'm trying to figure out how to be a whole different person. I feel like I'm as good as I'm ever going to get. Ya know only partially fked up instead of fully. I see no hope of recovery. I feel no hope. I don't see the point if after all this really difficult work I only see glimpses of normalcy. Yet my behavior remains much the same... With some added bad "numbing" habits now added. I don't see the point anymore. Needed a place to say these words. I feel so done
  13. It's not dumb. I get it. "...can only feel normal for a small period of time..." I completely identify with this.
  14. :) yes completely accurate observation. I'm seeing a therapist and all, but frankly too often lately these moments are so dark.. And they are becoming more frequent. I have to work pretty hard not to make a permanent irrational decision. Thanks for your reply :)
  15. Because when I do stop When I am still My world crashes and I feel like the only way out is to not be here anymore I'm here. But I can't go on like this much longer. This cycle has been long and hard.
  16. Welcome :) First, I'm so sorry at your very young age that you have known deep hurt. Are you able to seek out a therapist? Is that possible somehow? I know it's all a process... Boy do I know. It's also difficult to not have anyone to talk to. You will find you are not alone here. SO many good people here.. So so many. Stick around. You will find support here. Again.. Welcome
  17. Goodness yes... This causes me tremendous guilt. I get it. But I'm sure you know as well as I do, it's bigger than that.
  18. Yes I get it. One of my closest friends really wants to be there for me... but I just don't have time to educate her first, ya know?
  19. I understand. While I don't have the huge mood swings.... I certainly have the big swings in "hope" vs "hopelessness."
  20. Unpredictable and harsh... Yes :(
  21. Oh gosh yes... Agreed... All the knowledge in the world won't make it go away.
  22. For me? How can I be ok and dare to hope one moment? Feel numb the next? Feel no hope the next? Then have the courage to keep trying? Then just know that I might as well take all the pills the next? I've fought so hard. I don't get it. I'm not afraid of anything. Stupid anxiety Stupid depression Stupid ed So what confuses you?
  23. I get it completely. I could have written this tonight.
  24. Thx. It felt like a win. :)
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