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Everything posted by lp44

  1. Hey Peony :) I am sorry you went through what you did, but happy you found someone to share your life with after that! Love to sit with my dogs too. They are awesome and keep all my secrets! LOL Yes, outwardly if you knew me IRL you would never guess I struggled with depression. Literally daily people from 9 to 99 seek me out to talk to me, unload, or ask for advice. It is very often an enigma to me. Would it further surprise you to know that I am a pastor's wife? I live in a fishbowl 24/7 between my two worlds. So, yes I think its safe to say even the people that look like they have it all together...atleast some of those have private struggles that we know nothing about. As far as the meds. I have to be fair and say the meds have helped. I know I atleast laugh and smile some more. It doesnt always feel real, but I do it. I feel calmer overall. However, I feel a little emotionless in the process too. (I was never a big crier or anything before...I love and care very deeply...but dont cry much) Viibryd has some pretty big side effects and they seem like they are just now diminishing. I guess I just don't want to give up on it. I do wonder tho if it has contributed to constant thoughts I dont want to have. I would never go through with anything, but the thoughts are there all the same. I cant tell if the meds have made that more prominent or not. One loses perspective at some point, ya know? Sleep cycles have been disrupted, dreams have been all over the map(was never really one to dream much before), nausea has been bad at times.....its all seemingly evening out some now. I just think maybe its too soon to stop or ask for something new. Who knows tho? As to telling my husband and kids....I just cant...period. Why? Is it because Im ashamed? I don't think so? But again...I guess I cant be sure. One of my best friends IRL struggles with depression. She is one of the neatest people ever. She does know. I think I carry it alone partially because I just want to defeat it and move on without burdening anyone else. I am a perfectionist big time. (bit on the stubborn side too!LOL) Super hard on myself in every aspect of my life. This feels like such a personal failure for me. There are lots of reason I am that way. My mom never accepted anything less than perfect from me. She is an amazing woman, but I use to need her to see her hand in some of my perfectionist tendencies. I dont need that anymore. Its enough for me to see it and move on. I will look around as far as a therapist is concerned. Not sure how easy that would be tho. It would be nice to talk to someone. Trust just comes so very very hard for me. Ive talked more to my GP about this than anyone. She has been completely awesome. I wish I had an opportunity to talk with her more. She completely gets me in every way. Again....thanks for your responses. I appreciate it. :)
  2. Thank you yet again Writer! :) I hope you too see that you have given a lot to someone you dont even know...in that you have taken time to write out two separate posts with lots of thought going into them in the process. Thank you! I truly do know what you are saying about joy. I tell my teenagers this all the time...also pointing out that happiness and joy are really two completely different things. I do try to take the time to absorb all the little things in life that "make the world go round." "Compassion for myself" does not come easy tho. I have good and faithful friends, but most tend to see me as "the one that has it all together." So they lean heavily on me. Only one sees through me in an almost uncomfortable way! LOL I do try to focus on the difference I hope I make. I am taking one of my teenagers to meet her biological father for the first time this next Friday. She has not had the easiest life. She could have chosen several people to be with her, but she wants me. :) I guess I should also say I am dealing with some health issues that will probably require surgery this summer....so I know Im handling a lot....but Im ready for it to be different...and Im a very proactive person in general. Its like I dont know how to help myself on this one tho.
  3. Thanks Peony :) Always nice to have a post to relate to specifically. I worry most about hoping that I keep my depression hidden from my children. I never want them to view me that way. If you knew me IRL you would never in a million years guess that I struggle right now with depression. I dont know how I manage to mask it but I know I do a pretty good job. I actually have a love\hate relationship with the work week starting again. Part of me needs it for the structure of it. Part of me is overwhelmed. I too know that I am good at what I do, but struggle with self worth at the same time. That makes no sense to me. One one hand I know I make a difference\ on the other hand I think "How could someone like you possibly mean anything to anyone." As far as a med change, I have only been on this one for about 8 weeks. I tried Wellbutrin prior to that...it gave me headaches daily. I couldnt take it. I am so anti-med (ya know cause Im supposed to be perfect and not give myself the grace I give other people) I just dont know if I stop taking this one if I will accept another. I just know myself. As far as therapy---cost is an issue and finding someone reputable is another HUGE issue. I wouldnt even know where to start. I talk to my GP some and she is so amazing, but that cant be on a regular basis obviously and its not her job to do that. If the right person came along I would certainly be open to it....of course that would take telling my husband for the first time ever just how much I am struggling. (he doesnt even know Im on meds) I dont like wishing when I lay down at night that I just wont wake up and yet be replaced by someone better than me for my family so they wouldnt hurt with my loss. This is no way to live, but I dont know what to do to change it. I cant slow down long enough to even figure it out.
  4. Thank you Writer and Elle :) I appreciate your comments and feedback. I am just painfully tired of this existence. This is no way to live. My beautiful life is passing by and I feel like I am missing out on joy that is meant to be mine (as I want to insert--it could be if I weren't such a loser who can't just snap out of it) It takes such control in every way to make the weeks. I do NOT have a desk job (Im a teacher) my extracurricular life is full of teenagers who call me their second mom. This world is hard enough to navigate....they need someone. Thats why its so hard on the weekends in particular. I would be a complete recluse if I could be just to "get over" how hard the weeks are for me. I do not understand any part of this about myself. I feel like I have NO reason to be like this and wasn't always. Sleeping till 7:30 this morning was great. I didnt want the day to start....because my mind does as well. So I just look for something to keep me busy so I have a focus. I wouldnt know how to truly relax and just "be" if the opportunity dropped right in my lap. Thats so very sad. Elle Viibryd is a fairly new SSRI family antidepressant. I think its worked pretty good, but has side effects as well. Im thinking its only been around 2 1\2 years or so.
  5. I work full time M-F and have a lot of other responsibilities as well in my life. I hide my overall misunderstood emptiness and sadness pretty well. On the weekends I want nothing more than to hide from the world and just watch movies all weekend in isolation and total silence. Its like I have expended all the energy I have M-F to give and cope....and try to keep it all together. I have been on Viibryd for about 8 weeks now, and although I think it helps some, it is not without a cost in some ways. I wake up at 2:30 or 3 every morning and find it hard to go back to sleep....then come 5:30 when the alarm goes off I dont want to get up. I am tired of fighting this and just want to give up. I keep waiting to feel differently, but never have more than moments of joy in my life. Thats no way to live. :( I did not use to be like this. I feel like I have no reason to be like this....that just makes me feel more guilty. I almost can't take responsibilities on the weekend(but have no choice because I always have them) because if I can't retreat from the world those two days Im not ready to face the work week. Speaking of.....gotta take my boy to a baseball game....and make small talk there even if I dont want to.... Dont know what I am expecting here...just needed to say that I guess.
  6. "I have too much love and potential to just let my life pass me by." Thats the best part of what you just wrote! Read that again for yourself. You are at a better place than you may think to be able to see that. However, dont look at is as your *last* opportunity to change your life. Each day we wake up is a fresh, new opportunity to change our lives! A fresh start in another state with a new job may be just what you need. Yes it is very stressful, but if you absolutely hate it....nothing is forever. Getting away from old memories is often just what a person needs. However, being able to face our past is important too. (sorry if I sound like I am playing both sides....I dont mean to....I guess I just see it from all perspectives) Look at all your options, write out the pros and cons, make a budget....then if it all fits....go for it with an attitude of success! Best of luck!
  7. First--congrats for getting to where you are! Don't forget to celebrate that! I think sometimes we focus on where we need\want to be and forget to celebrate where we came from. Does that make sense? Also--no -- dont settle for struggling the way you are now. However, accept baby steps along the journey as success. You can get to where you want to be! :) It might not be on your timetable, but you can do it! As far as how to cope next week....what are some of the "little things in life" that bring you joy? For example, in my world...I love Photographs of all the important people in my life, photos of memories we have made together, keepsakes of our times together.....they are plastered all around my desk at work. It helps me and makes me smile. A yummy Starbucks Carmamel Frapp makes my day too. Music would be on my list as well. What are some things for you? Can you incorporate those things into your day? Even, say on your lunch break? Do you have an event or vacation planned for sometime in the future? A weekend get a way? Bring some item related to that to work and put it somewhere you can see it. :) Sometimes its those little things that help me make it through a day. Let us know how tomorrow goes!
  8. Good evening Nona :) Please ...please hear me say this....*you* are not responsible for making this better. Please don't ask yourself "Why is nothing I'm doing working?" or "Why can't I make her better?" That implies that you are not doing your job or something. Please sweet girl understand this heavy weight is not yours to bear and fix. Love yes, hug her yes, be there yes, comfort where you can yes......but breathe and find joy for yourself in the meantime too. It is ok to do just that. Keep pressing to ask about when her doctors are going to get her help. Gently remind her to call and press that issue. It sounds like to me she isnt going to get past this without help. Do take her to the ER if you feel like it gets acute. Again....you are not responsible for making this all go away. Keep us posted.
  9. Thank you MaddieLouise for your response. I appreciate it. I have been on it for 6 weeks now. Eating doesn't help no matter what. I just have to muscle through it. Some days I don't have nausea at all.....others...well I have to fight throwing up all day long. The only reason I have stayed on the med is because I can tell I do laugh and smile more now. I don't know that I always stay hydrated as I should, however. Thats kinda a no win situation because getting to a bathroom at work isn't always easy.
  10. Im sure this will sound like a complete ramble, but I needed to have already been headed to my parents house to help take care of things there. I don't even know why I am dumping this here....there are so many deep needs and emotions on this board. I think extreme stress at work and sleeping so badly last week is why I am so exhausted and strung out right now. Hopefully "this too shall pass" as it usually does.....it just doesnt feel like it at this moment in time. Im not a crier....so when tears are on the edge for two days straight...well its so hard. I am viewed as one who has it all together...one who can be looked to to listen and make people feel better...have answers. I just want to be in a quiet room with some movies and my work. I cant handle anything today. The med Im on is just as bad for me I think as it is good for me. (Viibryd--posted questions on another thread about that mess) For today I feel: out of control, not worth much to the people around me, like this will not get better, like giving up, frustrated beyond it all because I have done everything possible to proactively help myself, ect..ect... I have a full weekend that will just lead into a very full and stressful work week. I feel so trapped right now...like my life is not my own to even live.....but I must go now and help my sweet sweet parents. OMG and the nausea from this med....its relentless...six weeks of this... -_- New symptoms at the intended dose has really pushed it all over the edge.
  11. I have been on Viibryd for 6 weeks now. I do think it has helped for what it was intended for some. I really can see that it has...not by huge amounts...but I see improvement all the same. Side effects for me--nausea is the most prominent. Its tough too--some foods taste different as well. Im a coffee drinker in the morning, but can drink much now somedays due to the nausea and it tasting funny. :( Dreams are a pretty bad side effect too...not every night...but some nights feel constant and I wake up feeling exhausted. My questions are: At about the 4 week mark I started having calf pain...more in the left than the right. Has anyone else had this come up suddenly after a month and did it go away? Yesterday I missed a dose and by nightfall I felt like my day was WAY out of control. (in a way I never even felt before I made the decision to try a med) To be fair, I am exhausted, work is intense....this always affects me in a big way. Its scary to me tho to think missing one day would do that. (maybe if was a fluke--but has this happened to any one else) Ok--also at the 4 week mark--I will wake up *drenching* wet with sweat and hot multiple times a night--often after a rather intense dream I think too--has this happened to anyone else? I did put in a call to my doctor (second one about side effects over the last two weeks) about the calf pain. I can tolerate it fine and all...I just want to know its no cause for concern. I hate talking about all this on a dang answering machine and having her medical assistant call me back and leave a message for me. I dont want to talk to her about it! (sorry for that little whine) Anyway--she doesnt think the calf pain is caused by the meds and wanted me to take tylenol on a schedule for about 5 days then call back...or come in if it gets worse. WTH?? I really think its the med...I just think it took a while of being on the highest dose to show up. I just dont think she is paying attention to it all. I dont even know what I am trying to say here. This process just feels so isolating at times. Especially when everyone in my world views me as the person with all the answers who has it all together.
  12. Tisha Im glad that it has been positive so far for you. Progress is a good thing. I hope the group work is good for you "mind, body, and soul" as well. (even though it might be hard) MartyrGirl--Im glad you are taking a positive step of faith into the unknown for yourself as well. I wish only that you didnt have to "wait" an undetermined amount of time. That alone can be unnerving. It will be nice for you to just have to take care of yourself in all of this. Keep us posted!
  13. :) Right there with ya! Finding a trusted doctor is so hard. I agree talking to your OS would not be easy and thats not even the type of doctor that would be the best choice anyway. I have a great GP who is such a blessing to me. I have been honest with her in a way that I never have honestly to anyone in my whole life. I started taking Viibryd about a month ago. Its been a little rocky with some of the side effects, but I think the good outweighs the bad for me right now. One day at a time.... Validation is such a basic need for everyone. Validation that we are not alone. Its a big deal! :) Rest assured...you are not alone in your type of struggles. :)
  14. Hi Springish :) Welcome.....here indeed can be the place where you understand that lots of other people are going through exactly what you are. It sounds like you are in a place where you realize you need to be proactive in order to find change. Thats a great first step in this journey that we don't always understand. I understand the sentiment of "admit that I have been lying to everyone around me." In my world so many look to me for advice and guidance. Sometimes it feels like I want to say, "Ok if you only knew my struggles you would not seek my advice!" LOL Not funny I realize...but at the same time I think so many people struggle with a lot of things....they just don't openly admit it. Does that make sense? Anyway...you are not alone in this. There are many that walk where you are walking. There are numerous avenues to make it not such a struggle. Do you have a trusted doctor that you can talk to? That might be a place to start. Again....welcome :)
  15. Welcome Lady :) You sound like a person who indeed does sound confident already knowing that you have something to offer the world around you. I am fairly new here myself, but I can tell you that there are lot of nice people here with a variety of experiences. So many are willing to help out. Glad you are here.
  16. Hi Tisha :) First, I applaude you for being able to be self aware enough to talk frankly with your doc about all of this. It seems like you have been struggling at a non functional degree for a while now. (forgive my assumption if that is wrong--Im just going off of you being off work for a year) It is completely normal to be afraid--very afraid frankly at the next step you are taking. However, please remember that you are stepping out of your comfort zone for the sake of better things down the road. You are being very brave to make this decision for the sake of better health down the road. You can do this! Temporary physical and emotional discomfort for a few weeks up against gaining some victory over this struggle is worth it! Best of luck to you!
  17. I think sleep issues are very common with any kind of AD. I am on Viibryd. I have been taking it for about a month. Some nights are fine...others I wake up at 3am like clockwork. Of course then there is a lot of pressure to hurry up and go back to sleep because my 5:30 alarm comes very soon. Viibryd has also caused crazy and multiple dreams for me. Nights where that is the case I wake up feeling completely exhausted. My doc said at the 8 week mark things should even out. I do know I have heard lots of people say that when they experiment with doses and times when they take those doses do make a difference. Try talking with your doc maybe about whether or not that would help. Hope it gets better!
  18. "At this point in time emotions are still high" That is so very true. Things will calm down I bet. You did the right thing. Unfortunately very very often doing the right thing is not rewarded...even with those closest to us. Doing the right thing is tough..period. However, doing the right thing...well...is still the "right thing." I'm sorry for how people are treating you right now for that. Time heals....give it some time.
  19. Nona you are indeed doing all you can.....and its amazing. :) Im glad your mom is going to the doctor tomorrow. I hope she can open up and share what she is feeling. Give it time....grieving is a long process sometimes. Thank *you* for going above and beyond what most people your age would do. That says a lot about you! Keep us posted as you can!
  20. Thanks so much Rob. This med is indeed expensive (tho with a "co-pay assistance" program I will only pay $25 a month for the first six months.) After that I think its like $50. Im not sure I want to do that. So far the good seems to outweigh the bad, but Im not sure how long I will feel that way. So many people seem to have odd\strong side affects from this med. Im going to give it a while longer. I think I will be ok if my sleep can just stabilize. Thanks for listening. I hope going back to Zoloft will work for you!
  21. Only an opinion....but since you are asking.... You simply cannot give up the struggle at 19 years old. Doing nothing has not helped for the last two years. You say you are sick of it....then you have to be pro-active and actually try something. The first thing you try might not work, you may have to try something else....until you find something that makes a difference. You are most likely so far down you might need help with meds of some sort on a temporary basis to get back on track. Meds and and "crazy" should not be words you link together in your mind. Has someone maybe made that comment to you?? If so I am sorry--that shows a great lack of understanding on the part of anyone who would IMO. Try to find joy in the simple things each day...a cup of coffee...a song...a pet...or whatever you like or fits your personality. Above all I guess I would encourage you to begin being proactive with some sort of "plan." Doing "more of the same"--- in your case you say you really haven't done anything to try to help--isn't working. What do you have to lose? People do care---they just don't always know how to help what they don't understand. Don't give up! :)
  22. I looked at this due to what your post title was. Im not sure I have advice but just wanted to chime in and say...yes I believe it does deprive you at times of your personality. I have absolutely seen that in myself and many others. Depression alone did that.....then Viibryd has done it in a different way. I am quieter in general now and feel a little detached in general to the world around me. I believe the med has helped, but it has come at a cost too. But gosh depression came at a cost in the first place...so the good outweighs the bad. I do laugh and smile more on the med....but again...I really believe it has changed my personality some as well. What can you do? Well take it one day at a time...realize that it is a process you have to go through. The process of working your way through the depression hopefully to finding who you were again someday. Does that make sense? Until then find joy in the little things along the way if you possibly can. On the flip side of that coin....all that doesnt work sometimes and you just have to plug through the day even tho it feels completely fake. (again...looking for a day when its better all along the way)
  23. You are welcome :) I looked back up at the top just now and saw that you answered some of that earlier...sorry about that. I can say from personal experience that the pain of losing a child is overwhelming. I never had a stillborn child...thats an intense pain I dont know....but I have had two miscarriages. I do know that pain, and it takes so very long to mend from. She had two strong hits very close together. She is still reeling from all that I can guarantee you. I remember a full year later after my first miscarriage we were on vacation somewhere and a wave of grief hit me out of nowhere and I cried so uncontrollably it caught even me off guard. My poor husband didn't know what to do!LOL You yourself are very young to be taking this load on your shoulders. Bless your heart. Dont take responsiblity for all that is swirling around you. Thats a big burden. Just love the people in your life and maybe find someone who can gently tell your mom that maybe she needs to seek help from someone or maybe look at chosing something to help her get over this hurdle, like an antidepressant. One day at a time....
  24. It's funny to read through this topic (uh ok not funny literally LOL--not what I meant) I think ALL the time about the truly stupid things that people say to other people in a crisis\ hard time. I guess I have to believe most people want to say something....want to make it better perhaps in some way. Others of course ....well...NOT. I have found that most people who make such comments have not been through much of any crisis in their lives...like ever. Wouldn't it be nice to live that charmed of a life? The phrase "walk a mile" comes to mind. I remember after one of my miscarriages someone saying "well hun...its probably all for the best really." I just smiled...but inside was screaming. "What the heck? All for the better?? How exactly is my baby dying all for the better?" Dumbest statement made to me ever. I think she probably didnt know what to say though. Anyway...when people ask me how they can help someone going through something, my comments so often start with what *not* to say! hahaha
  25. I posted some of this in the welcome forum...moved it here in part... I work full time, I take care of my parents---my husband is in the ministry--which all translates into everyone looks to me to listen and help with their problems. Dont get me wrong. That is a privledge. It really is--I know that. No one in my life would even marginally suspect I am struggling so much. Everyone thinks I have it all together. I am a completely "productive" depressed person I guess! LOL It doesn't keep my from functioning....probably the opposite really. If I have too many days off in a row I get in a funk. My last thoughts at night so often are: "If I just never woke up that would be just fine with me. If I never existed then no one would be hurt by my being gone. If I could just be replaced with someone that my family and friends deserved....that would be great...that way no one I love would be hurt by losing me." (those thoughts have nothing to do with the new med either...Ive had those thoughts at that "place between asleep and awake" for a while now. Its the saddest thing ever.) Im not suicidal or anything. My children are too precious to me for that...as are my family and friends in general. I started Viibryd about 30 days ago. (very very hard for me to ask for an antidepressant med) Up until about a week into the 40mg dose I was really excited about it. The med seemed to be helping. (although I have not been without side effects) However at the 40 mg dose my sleep is all over the map, dreams are not nightmare like, but they are constant. I dread going to sleep. I have never had actual sleep issues no matter what so this is hard for me. I don't do sleep deprivation well. I sleep about 6-8 hours a night...normal amount. My job is really stressful so I cant last long with sleep issues like this. I need for this med to help. (Wellbutrin gave me bad headaches--tried 8 weeks of that one. I just know if this doesn't work I won't try another one. Ill just give up and feel this way) I called the doctor to talk to her about it this week, and no one from her office even bothered to call me back for two days. Her assistant called and related a couple of very vague and generic comments about the meds.(now I have to be fair and say she was out of the office for those days and I did not know that) She is a great doctor. She really is....but that just made me feel even worse honestly....like after telling me to call and we could discuss how I was doing on it was not something I should have even done. Hit my self worth pretty hard. OMG I don't want to talk to her Medical Assistant? Seriously? Her assistant has a very short line back to my life...and while I guess I trust her I dont want her knowing all my business either. For anyone on Viibryd...how long did some of your negative side affects last? How long have you been on the med? Did it help you feel like yourself again? Ive read a lot about the med....so many seem to react bad to it...or I think more likely its those that migrate to a forum to post about it. Most of the time the satisfied people dont do things like that.
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