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Everything posted by lp44

  1. I know it isn't good....and I know it can be serious. I am just not at all use to feeling nothing. It seems like feeling something....even a negative...even more stiches and an ER visit would be preferable tonight. Ive literally only done it three times...those three scars are a real reminder...but again.. atleast I would feel something....if only for a little while.
  2. How in the world do you keep yourself from doing something permanently stupid? How do I stay in therapy when you feel like you have honestly tried and it isn't helping? How do I stay away from cutting just to feel something? (not at all a huge issue for me...only a couple of times...but bad enough to need stitches...twice in a year) Giving up is so much easier..... Sorry...feels like I am stuck in the same place...so many giving people here. I just want to feel like I am in "the next step" in this journey so to speak. Giving up seems so appealing at this moment.
  3. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I think I just thought I could share one of the big things that I knew probably affected me in life, and poof it would automatically start getting better and I could quit. Going is so very hard for me. This better be worth it! LOL It's hard, expensive, and time consuming.....not to mention I hate letting someone else inside my head.
  4. Vega57 I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry too for the very real struggle you are going through to come to terms with how it unfolded in the end. Hugs to you as you process it all!! Glad you are sharing it. I know there are a couple of significant things in my past. I am trying to share those with her as I feel comfortable. Its really hard for me to trust even if she is a very nice person.
  5. I just thought of something...what about emailing some of my questions and thoughts?? Have any of you ever done that as a catalyst to help jump start the next session? In my case tomorrow... How do therapists view things like that?
  6. Thank you too...this therapy thing is really new for me. It took all the courage I have had to go...then even more to keep going....this is an exhausting process. In some ways I feel worse than when I started...in others I seem a bit better overall. As far as your questions...no one in my life even knows I go to a therapist....just like no one in my life knows I am on an antidepressant. I am pretty impatient by nature and would like to see myself as "over" all of this by now. (and obviously that is not at all working at this point) So no ...no one is giving me the message that I should be better...because while my husband knows I have been struggling this year he has no idea to what degree. I am a perfectionist in general in life..and again...think I should have conquered this in general by now....even though Im pretty sure I have set up unrealistic expectations. There is a specific traumatic experience that I have only in the last three sessions even opened up and told her about...its not huge in terms of what can and does happen to people...but it is significant at the same time.
  7. What you are saying makes sense as well. Hopefully I can get a feel for what she thinks tomorrow...and hopefully I can explain my frustration. Thanks for your response!
  8. Your words help too..thank you! I know I am an impatient person by nature, so that doesn't help. I am going to try to tell her how I am feeling in this process tomorrow. Ask questions, and hope she will be honest with me and not answer "like a therapist" ya know??!! LOL Im just really beat up feeling at this stage...and of course want to automatically think I am doing something wrong.
  9. Thank you very much for your thought out response. I very much appreciate it and actually relate to lots of what you said....things like..... "Basically, therapy is just a way to learn to love your brain with no conditions or strings attached." ---I absolutely do not do that...not sure how to get out of that rut...but I do not do that very well. "Don't try to be the 'ideal' patient. You are already beating yourself up in the name of so many ideals. I don't want you coming to therapy thinking that now you have a whole new area of life where you are being called to beat yourself up in the name of something called "psychological health and normality. The idea is not to "add" even more ways to hate yourself in the name of new ideals. I'm pretty sure that is exact what I am doing "having a whole new area of life to beat myself up about" I am at a point where I feel like quitting....again ...like I basically suck at this really bad and "I'm doing it all wrong." (like that even makes sense in the least) I know I cant quit, but I seriously want to . I go tomorrow...can hopefully skip the sometimes annoying "small talk" that comes in the beginning and just try to get a few things out of my mouth before I chicken out. Can I just say how incredibly hard it is to let someone "inside your head" like this? -_-
  10. I feel like I am failing this process. Like I am doing something wrong? I am frustrated with therapy but want to be fair to the process. I don't lie to her...try not to hold things back...they aren't mind readers for crying out loud.. I feel like I should be farther down the road than this. Very low tonight...probably why I am so frustrated. Any therapy related things/ ideas that could be helpful? I have gone to...my guess would be 8-10 sessions?
  11. You have seemed like a very decent person on this forum. You numerous times have reached out and posted words of encouragement to others on their journey. I obviously do not know you IRL but I am sorry this all feels this heavy right now.....and is all snowballing. I have no big words of wisdom here, but I can comment on the help you have reached out to others and given. Thank you for that and I hope things will ease up soon....specifically that pain. Pain blurs everything!
  12. Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I appreciate it. As for the therapist...I did talk with her about a couple of key things on Monday. It was terrible and a good thing to do all at the same time. I have to admit it feels like a weight lifted there. One thing at a time I guess. She was really sweet about it. The job...well ...I will be forced to atleast take or cancel one out next week. I will get a formal offer then. No I still don't know what I am going to do.
  13. My trigger right now is job related...needing to get out of where I am at. #1 go back to school...but I need to work for one more year (can go to school during that time...must save $ during that time as well) #2 Job offer doing exactly what I do now but at a different place for more money. (both have a pros and cons list) #3 "Possibly" go ahead and get into the medical field somehow but take a HUGE cut in pay to do so (I have a Bachelors degree..why would a person do that) #4 Job I could probably be "happyish" with till I can possibly change careers. It has made so many things worse in my life...this whole "trying to decide" thing. I have never in my life been so bad at decision making. :(
  14. Thank you Stonium. I think my first step...or I hope my first step will be having the courage to tell my therapist a couple of specific things tomorrow. I really don't want to but think maybe I should. "They" say some people don't seem to want to get better (no I was never told that...gosh in fact I 100% guarantee you that no one would ever dream things were this bad with me...I am a "multitasking very high achiever" if ever there was one) anyway...I really want to muscle past this....whatever the heck "this" even is. It completely bites.
  15. It always helps to have validation, doesn't it?? I think every human alive craves it really. If you are in med school then you must be bright and able to withstand lots of pressure that's for sure. Are you wanting out? or are you done and need a place to work that will make you happy? Ironically I am thinking about nursing school. I have a "noble and worthwhile profession" I guess you would say, but its not where my heart lies. However, I keep thinking why on earth would I ditch it after all these years? (I could actually list the reasons for a while! LOL) As far as the meds...its truly frightening to me that something can literally alter your thought processes that much. I may just go half dose until my next dr appt. (for a UTI follow up...not even that) The meds also give me leg cramps that wake me up at night. I know I won't try another one either.
  16. Thank you. :) I am going to start tapering off the meds. It cant keep having suicidal thoughts all the time, I mean come on!?!?!?!? I know for a fact it wasn't this bad before. As for the huge decision...well its taking it's toll but I have to decide soon. It's job related. I identify with #3 too...I feel like I don't deserve happiness.
  17. I think the simple answer is that everyone has a different body chemistry.
  18. Thank you very much for responding. I appreciate it. I am honestly at the point tonight where I genuinely do not feel it will be any better ever...that I will know happiness and joy again....like I don't deserve it in the first place. Its just very bad right now...very bad.
  19. Thank you. I am just so very low today. It has not been this bad ever. I think its the decision I have to make and don't know how or what to do. I am seeing a therapist, but I have never quite felt connected...and I seriously haven't opened up much. I go Monday for the first time in about 5-6 weeks. Work has been nuts and I just haven't been able to go. I am hoping for the courage to bring a couple of pretty significant things up. Thanks again.
  20. 1. I am on Viibryd. It's one of the relatively newer ones. (SSRI) I have been on it for about 6 weeks. I know a lot about the drug...that's not it. How many from an antidepressant have had it actually seem to make everything seem worse at first? My thought processes are what seem to be so very different. So very negative and I have to admit thoughts of suic pretty often. I have zero intent of doing that....too long of a story as to why but I would not go there I don't think. However I think about it EVERY night when I fall asleep..till I fall asleep...then its the first thing I think of when I wake. What a crappy way to start and end your day. While I have read about CBT and tried to implement it...Im not winning that. 2. Does depression somewhat paralyze you when making big decisions?(I have a huge one I need to make soon and Im just not sure....I really don't think I can be sure even without the depression to be fair here) 3. Do you eventually just give up thinking it will ever get better? 4. Do you ever get over feeling so alone in this journey? I know I have more...but I have endless work to do today and this gets me started... Thanks if you have the time or take the time to respond....
  21. Thanks rhyl---totally fair observations. I guess these two questions go hand in hand for me. I don't feel like I am really connecting...and I have been several times to her. I am just trying to evaluate if I am doing all I can on my end of things. I mean they aren't mind readers.... she cant know to discuss certain things unless I bring it up. Trust is such a huge issue for me. I mean she is nice and all...but I guess trusting her with a couple of things is such a leap for me. As far as the offense...yes it is a sexual violation....not rape or anything like that...but not good I know either. I guess I am just wondering if that has had a lasting impact on me beyond my complete distrust of doctors. Thanks....
  22. I basically had an Ob\Gyn do and say some not so nice things (during an exam with no one in the room) a long time ago. While I know it was a terrible thing, I obviously moved on from this one time event....and REALLY obviously never saw that doctor again. (imagine how difficult it has been to see other doctors) Do you think this is something I should share with my therapist? (who I have never fully connected with might I add) Do you think this could still affect a person after so many years? It will be hard to share the details of that with anyone at all...I'm just not sure I see the point at all. Second question....how long do you try to connect with a therapist if you simply don't feel a connection or feel like they connect with you as a person? I really don't want to drop her as a therapist, but at the same time I don't see a whole lot of good coming from it all.
  23. What would most therapists say to the above statements? I don't really think I would actually act on suicidal thoughts. I sure hope not. It would hurt my children too much. However I lay in bed at night and think of some way that they wouldn't hurt if that happened...which of course is not even rational. I want to talk about that, but I am really afraid to. I have no idea how she will react if I say something...or what she will do. Second...she knows of my perfectionist tendencies for sure....but she does not know of my "really close to a full blown eating disorder past." I want to share this too...but without fear of judgement...and I just don't know that I can. What good is going to a counselor if you cant tell them things like this? If you cant feel safe enough to do just that? :(
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