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lp44

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Everything posted by lp44

  1. lp44

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    I do understand about not connecting with a therapist. I have never felt super connected to mine. I cant really figure out if she really cares one way or another or not. Still ....you are so very young...it might be worth another try! :)
  2. I think its pretty common as well...but it still bothers me to risk mentioning it to my therapist. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Ill admit that it someone overreacting is exactly what I fear. I know 100% that I sound rational.....and don't behave irrational....but still I don't know what she would think or do.
  3. think of it as it's just the depression talking and try to see through "its" lies. I think my AD has made it worse. I really do. My dr changed the dose a bit and that perhaps has helped some...hard to tellif that is the cause, then it should be corrected. but thats something that should be discussed with your doctor.Thank you ! I try to look at those thoughts of "Im not worthy of someone feeling a loss for me" as lies of depression. Its hard tho....I really believe it most of the time now. I don't really think I would follow through at all. It just kinda bothers me that I think about it so much.
  4. lp44

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    Welcome to the forum! There are a lot of nice people here, who although they struggle themselves are so willing to lend a listening ear. I am sorry you are struggling so much...and at such a young age. You say you have tried outpatient and meds? How often? With a single therapist ? or group? Did you only try one med? I just ask because there are lots of things to try. If you only tried one med, I would encourage you to atleast ask your doc about options. If you didn't try just a therapist alone, that might be a thought as well. I understand how difficult it is to just come out and tell someone about your depression. I haven't really done that either.
  5. I truly don't think I am actually suicidal. I guess I can't really know for sure because this is all really new for me. I have never been this way before. I can tell you I think about it too much...the depression has gotten that bad of late. I try to rationalize how it would be ok...how no one really needs me or that I am not worthy of someone "feeling my absence or my loss." I know my children love me...I know they do ...so I know that thought can not be true. That doesn't keep me from thinking about some possible way out of this heavy lack of purpose...lack of joy...does that make sense? I think my AD has made it worse. I really do. My dr changed the dose a bit and that perhaps has helped some...hard to tell. What will my therapist say if I tell her? I don't want her to freak out on me or anything...but at the same time I really need to tell someone face to face..."Hey this is really bad right now." I haven't been able to see her in weeks....finally will this next week. I just don't know if I have the courage to tell her. I don't know how she will react. Any thoughts? Experiences?
  6. Thank you :) I like your last comment....no "should"...just "as it is" Good phrase\suggestion. It has been really hard not to be able to see my therapist....even though I have never felt 100% connected to her. I don't feel 100% connected to anything right now however. I think I have to learn perhaps to just take care of things moment by moment....but gosh that's so exhausting sometimes.
  7. Keeping my focus on how beautiful life really is....on who would be hurt if I wasn't in it anymore.....well it's exhausting. Every thought...every moment...every day....trying not to just say "this phase of my life has NO end. I can't struggle anymore." I try so hard to rationalize that no one really needs me....that its ok If I give up....However no matter how hard I try to make that thought work, I know its false. I want to enjoy life. It really is great...or it can be. This antidepressant just plain sucks I think. Im pretty sure I am worse not better. My therapist only works two days a week and is super hard to get an appointment with. I haven't been able to talk to her in weeks. My mother has major surgery this week and I don't know how I am going to handle taking care of all that....ya know from the person who says "You are such a disappointment." I am starting a new job....good change....just all change horrifies the perfectionist in me. I cant do this anymore.
  8. Thank you My therapist isn't terrible. I'm just trying to figure out if its me or her in this process. I don't have a set schedule to see her...for three weeks or so I may go once a week...then it might be 3-4 weeks before I can go back. Her office is about 40 minutes from where I live...and with working full time and all its very hard. I canceled my upcoming apt this Tuesday because I just feel like I am not handling therapy well...or not making the progress I think I should be. I don't really know what to do.
  9. Somehow missed this reply. Thank you rhyl . I honestly feel like my trust issues are ruining therapy for me all the way around. I fear judgement...fear her just thinking bad of me all the way around. Funny thing is I don't really care for the most part what people think of me.....but in certain situations I care. I have tried to tell her no less than three times...but cant quite choke out the whole thing. I did actually email her a little more.....along with some of my frustration about myself and my progress. I just basically said "No need to answer...this just gives us a place to start." Then promptly canceled my next appt after that and haven't been back. (about two weeks ago..she is a nice person and all) I just feel like I have completely failed the process. I cant start over with anyone else either.
  10. I am not an only child. In fact I am the youngest child and my sister lives 10 minutes from my mom and does not have even a part time job. I work full time and my kids are not grown like hers are. My last major surgery was back in January so although I am well past that date...two very close together with the minimal time off from work each time has taken its toll on me. Mom did apologize and I know she is indeed anxious and in her own pain. It was just the final straw in a series of things this week. I have cut back on some things in my life to avoid 110% burnout. Hopefully it will help. Thanks :)
  11. I'm absolutely a "music person." This song that I am listening to has a phrase in it that perfectly describes my feelings right now. "And hope feels like a cop out. The ground beneath my feet a sudden shift and I'm buried. And all my heart and all my soul all my faith to pieces fall as we go." But today is a new day.....hopefully that matters.
  12. Thanks Quarkygurl, Lauryn, and Epictetus for your responses. These events are just "normal life events" I know in my head...I know logically....but wow in combination they just really put me at a new low. I am in nothing but leadership positions in my worlds. I'm pretty sure that because I project self confidence most all the time....well they think I don't have struggles or feel like the rest of the world somehow....like "oh that's_______ she can handle anything." It's like never asking the one you think is "the strong one" if they are ok. No one is "always ok" no one.... Epictetus....Your "I feel your pain" comment didn't sound cliché. Thank you. I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like although therapy was not totally working....that I feel a little lost dropping it too. I just feel so done however...like I'm as "fixed as is possible" yet so very broken at the same time...broken and don't totally know why or how to fix it. I guess I just feel lost all the way around at the moment. I need a deserted island for a while...but that will not happen....plus I will have to be completely in a "trapped position" with my mom's appointments for a while too. Hey...atleast it's Friday.
  13. ok so I am grown with kids of my own....but as I am trying to care for my parents (Dad has Parkinsons...mom must have surgery soon) by taking mom to the doctor at just about the worst time of year for my job. I have had not one but TWO major surgeries myself this year so I have no sick days left....thus got docked. And because she will have to wait nine days later than she would have for surgery due to my schedule that cant be helped....well she declares me a "disappointment." OMG really? Two friends come to ME about concerns with their kids (I work with teens) and I talk to them and somehow seriously get "thrown under the bus." A job opportunity that was pretty much a done deal has been either "temporarily on hold" or won't happen. This time of year is very tense with my job....the above three things happened Mon-Wed of this week. I canceled my next therapy visit because I have just basically given up on therapy helping. So very low right now.....don't see anything getting better.....hope I can shake it soon. The whole "you are such a disappointment" was the very last straw. I am doing my best...yet that isn't good enough. *I* am not good enough. That's just where I am at.
  14. Emotional numbness seems to be relatively common I think. It's one of the aspects of this that bothers me most, however.
  15. I'm sorry things didn't go so well. What did you argue about? Text is never the best way to really communicate. :(
  16. I would never lie to my doctor or therapist about any meds. I guess I just see it as "they can't truly help you if you aren't being honest with them" kind of thing. However, I don't necessarily think anyone else needs to know what I am on. No one else knows what I am on......no reason to know...but if my husband point blank asked I wouldn't lie.
  17. No jumping to conclusions with the above. Its pretty on target for the most part. Vulnerability is one of the things I hate more than anything else....yet I handle vulnerable people with the utmost of care. (explain to me what sense that makes!) I know there isn't a right or a wrong way to do therapy. However, its what I do automatically...blame myself that is....ask "what more can I be doing that I am not doing?" I know I need to stick with it...I really do. I just don't know if I have anymore strength left to do so. Part of me things she will judge me or think bad of me if I share all that is going on in my head and heart. Its so much easier to do so here vs. in front of someone. (not like I have shared it all here...but you know what I mean) It's all such a risk....so hard for me.
  18. Have you asked your parents if you could talk with a therapist or a counselor? Do you have a school counselor or teacher that you trust that you could talk to?
  19. Well yes if his mom is watching the baby....that won't work as an out. :( True that you don't know what to expect....but human nature being what it is if you can find a topic someone is interested in they will enjoy talking about themselves. Ask them about their kids....their kid's interests. If you find someone with a baby the same age as yours...well there you go..... Ask "How long have you been with the company?" Where were you before that? Ect...ect... Let me know how it goes! Best of luck to you! You can do this....even though it is very hard.
  20. I wish I knew just how she felt about emailing. I think I could better say where I feel like I am at in an email...then that could be a catalyst for the next time I go in. I almost feel like that is the only way past this hurdle. The only way I can *not* stop going altogether. Does that make any sense? I am so very discouraged with the process.
  21. That is a tough spot to be in for sure. I clearly understand the scenario and its hard! Can you guys agree on a "signal" or something if you are really ready to go after a reasonable amount of time?? Like an hour or something? Can you rehearse a series of "conversation starters" before hand? Literally memorize and rehearse a few things before you go. That may seem silly, but I see that as a way of saving things for the evening perhaps. People generally like to talk about themselves. If you can find a way to generate conversation based on an interest you can pull out of them you can survive the night. Who is keeping the baby? Anyone that can secretly call you at some point if you need an emergency out?
  22. It helps to read your comments concerning my kids. The thoughts creep into my head at times like these that say "they would be better off without someone like me...if I weren't in the picture they could be more successful with someone else....ect...ect..." My depression is well hidden from them. (tho I realize not totally probably) I wish I would not give up...but that's just where I am....and I cant start over with a new therapist. Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
  23. No I haven't told my therapist. I hope I can find a reason to keep going to her. I am at a point where I am pretty sure I am just going to give up and walk away from the process altogether. I see myself as some better for having shared some things with her, but completely stuck in the process as well. I have never been to therapy so I don't know just how common being where I am at really is. I am telling myself "this is as fixed as you get.... you are a really messed up individual...be glad for it...this is all you get in the way of happiness." Generally speaking I am very proactive by nature. I started the challenging process of therapy because of my belief in this old quote: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.” Therapy is SO HARD. I mean come on...allowing someone "inside your head\ thought processes" is one of the hardest and most vulnerable things I have ever done. It's exhausting and I just don't see what I am doing wrong in this process...and I cant keep doing it. As far as what makes it more intense right now...I can identify those things probably. I just feel like I have given up in general.
  24. Thank you....the single reason I haven't done anything "permanently stupid" is because I have two children...and that cant be their legacy. Gosh if you knew me IRL you would see me as the least likely to be in these struggles right now. *I* am the one everyone comes to for counsel...so serious about that. That part of my life is super hard right now considering my own personal struggles.
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