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lp44

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Everything posted by lp44

  1. Again thank you for your time and input here. I really do appreciate it. Your first paragraph?? Gosh....all truths I realize. In light of today I really don't know what I am going to do. I know myself well enough to know I wont seek out someone else. I just wont. Something very unique would have to present itself for me to be willing to go to another therapist....and that isn't going to happen...so yeah......today has been super hard for me all the way around. The problem I have found for myself is that my resilience has backfired a bit. The things that I did to cope are deeply entrenched and not easily budged. I think this really applies to me as well. I am highly adaptive and resilient. After my therapist emailed me today I called my aunt. (who I am close to and is a therapist as well) I had only less than a week ago told her I was seeing a therapist. She is the only one in my life who even knows..and honestly it just sort of came out. I just had to tell someone today(about said email)....because who are we kidding....the timing of that stinks. Ok so I barely get to a place to even consider trusting her....to risk judgment...to realize this might take a while....to hope to not just forever feel this way till I die and bam. -_- AND I am getting off my freaking antidepressants this week! LOL Its not funny at all I realize, but humor is one of my pretty strong coping mechanisms so I have to laugh some. I feel completely abandoned in this process.
  2. MetalFalcon thank you for your response! I wish you the very best in therapy and hope that you benefit from it and get to a better place! Quarkygurl thank you and best wishes to you as well. I hope you continue to heal in your journey too.
  3. I want to respond better later to what was written, but really Im in no shape to at this moment in time. So I get an email from my therapist today saying that she no longer accepts my insurance as of August 1st. "I am sorry for any inconvenience that may cause you. I hope I can continue to work with you." I cant even tell you how I feel at this moment. Life will go on....everything has a business end to it....that's just a necessity.....but really? :( I cant afford to go to therapy once a week and pay the full fee. Who can? I know myself and I know I will never start over with someone new. This whole process has been completely difficult and exhausting. I just want to cry.....but I don't have that choice since I am leading a teen camp for the week and the time it took to sit and type out just this is pretty much all I have right now.
  4. Thank you for your input. I guess I am just looking for some "norm" to attach to all of this for me. It's turning out to not be as easy as I had anticipated. I think I was delusional in thinking, "Ok I am going to be proactive here and knock this thing out." That is proving not to be the case. My T attendance has been very sporadic....pretty much cant be helped. So input from others is nice...thanks again!
  5. Thank you Callie and Fizzle :) In theory I would go once a week, however that is often not possible. Her schedule is very limited. She only works two days a week. That makes it super hard when you add that to my unpredictable schedule and the distance she is from me. "Said event" was 20 years ago. :( just never told anyone and I surely know I have other reasons to have the depression crop up I suppose.(childhood stuff that made me who I am both good and bad) I just don't get why all of a sudden I am slammed with this brick wall and I can't move on until I deal with it. This has been a BIG year of stressors. I have had two very major surgeries this year that have had some complications. I am over that but I know it didn't help everything. Plus I help take care of my parents who have some pretty significant issues (while of course working full time and taking care of my own family) And of course Fizzle you know I don't mind you answering the way you did. You have been very helpful to me and I appreciate it. Some days I want to quit therapy because its hard, confusing, and I kinda feel worse at the moment. Then other days I am frustrated because I cant get there weekly. Its super hard when I have missed for weeks...its like I have to decide I can trust all over again. I STINK at trust...still don't feel totally trusting even though she is a very nice person.
  6. I know all depression does not come from the same issues. I know some have a chemical issue...some have had depression since childhood...ect... For those who have *not* had depression your whole life due to a chemical issue or childhood issue of some sort perhaps..... How often do you see your therapist? How long did you have to see them before you felt better or even before you felt like you no longer needed them? Did you initially feel worse ? I know these are not easy questions because the issue of depression is never "one size fits all." I know each case is as individual and the individual going through it.
  7. Thank you :) I just find it hard to want to move past this phase to a better place where I have more day to day joy.....yet not being sure at all how to do that. Guess that's what my T is for. SO not easy.
  8. Yea don't tell me they have to come out for me to feel better!! (yikes is SO correct) I don't want to hear that! hahaha While I do love to help others realize things that I myself cant "do for myself" I rarely feel adequate to do so. I am sought after a lot and its been particularly hard this past year. I have thought so many times "why are you asking me all this? How can I help you when I can't help myself?" Ill just be honest...I am trying very hard not to just give up on myself here. Now that I realize the degree to which I really don't know how to go about all of this, it feels worse than it did when I had no clue. (that probably makes no sense whatsoever) I am taking the AD every other day for this week(that's the schedule she has me on), so some will be in my system all week.
  9. Again I relate. Different circumstances with some similarities (sorry to be cagey - paranoid;-) ). I have come to realise that helping others and genuinely caring and letting my emotions out with others is a totally different thing to me getting help. Its easy to see things clearly when it isnt your own emotional mess. Me getting help involves me telling others about my internal world. That quite frankly is terrifying in and of itself. It allows others to "have the goods on me" so they can use it against me. I also dont have language for it and that makes me feel terribly vulnerable. I go straight into fight and flight (which for me is usually flight and freeze). I have lived in my head my whole life so words and speaking with this stuff is counter intuitive and new. Intellectualisation, denial and dissociation as coping mechanisms are all very hard to get out of if they have been habitual. Because of my fears and lack of trust even telling the t what would help me is usually impossible and that tells them a whole lot about me. Getting better is NOT about knowing. It just isn't. You can know how to help others until you are blue in the face and it doesnt translate to processing your own past or even present. I will say one more thing about trauma. I have had some glimpses of normality in the last couple of months after a long bout of horribleness. My new self awareness and these moments have made me realised how much I am living in trauma when I get anywhere near it. Thats why we need others outside to help us through it. Our thoughts, feelings and reactions are not going to be like we think they should be. If they were then there wouldnt be a problem in the first place. Knowing and doing are sooo far removed from each other. Seeing things for others and seeing them for ourselves sooo different. It makes me totally crazy that I cannot be more logical in my reactions.... Getting better is NOT about knowing. It just isn't. You can know how to help others until you are blue in the face and it doesnt translate to processing your own past or even present. These things have become painfully obvious to me of late...especially after my last visit with my T after not having been in so long. I don't know *how* to not rely on "knowing" if that makes sense at all. "Knowing" gets me whatever I want generally.....that is so not the case here and I don't know (haha) what to do with that at all. Hopefully she is the right T for me because this is even harder than I thought it would be....and I *knew* it would be hard. I do at least have some questions now that I didn't have. I cant see her next week because I leave to be a counselor tomorrow at a teen camp. (I work with teenagers) This is the most diverse need wise that I have ever taken to any sort of a camp. LOTS of needs among the group.....AND I chose now to wean off of the AD ...not having a clue what it is going to do to me. Emotions....I absolutely have no idea how deep mine must lie right now. I do not like not having any... or controlling them "with an iron fist" however you want to look at it. They have been walled off for a little while now. I fear whats on the other side of that wall most of the time....like its easier to just keep it all under tight control....but how can that be healthy or good for me either? I appreciate your support!
  10. Everything we have been talking about swirls around in my mind a lot right now.....especially at night. OMG I hate it. In some ways I feel like I am worse now than when I went in for the first time...but that makes sense in a way to me. (as long as I don't stay there) Add to that this AD that I am on causes intense dreams all by itself as a side effect...and well...that's a recipe for disaster. I am weaning off the AD due to the sleep issues, dream issues, and increase in negative thoughts in a BIG way. While it has helped...its has all those negative side effects.
  11. As for myself ...its very odd to me. *I* am very odd to me! hahaha I can very deeply connect to other people when counseling or talking with them. (I work with teenagers...deal with their parents too in many ways. I am so much like a therapist....I just don't get paid like one) I can validate people and where they are coming from....can allow them to feel...tell them its ok to feel....let them be human. Now turn that on myself and that's entirely another story. Intellect kicks in and again.....I give the correct answers...but don't feel anything. Does that make sense? Or sound odd? It seems very odd to me. Its like I literally do not "know how to do this" where therapy is concerned. I don't know how to tell her what is wrong. I don't WANT to sit there and have to work my way through "less thinking and more feeling." I literally feel kinda stupid if that makes sense... I do not understand how I can so freely help other people and not myself right now.
  12. "I already have an instinct or an ability to objectively look at a situation. I just couldn't feel what I needed to, had close to zero connection with my emotions and an inability to speak about them." That is so me. I know the answers I should say. I know the answers that should be true. I just can't make the emotional connection for myself. As stupid as it feels to say I really don't even know how to honestly. That seems ridiculous to me...but that's how it is. I HATED the whole "just let yourself stop and feel that moment again." OMG why on earth would I want to do that?!?! LOL (in all seriousness I see the point) I think I have walled myself off from all emotion for so long that I don't know how to connect anymore.
  13. Thank you bigmike, fizzle and valgomoms...I posted this about yesterday on another thread: Yesterday went ok I suppose...the most uncomfortable I believe I have ever been there. Much of what I do IRL is pretty much what a therapist does.....so I clearly know "the right answers" so to speak. She knows this...we have even openly discussed it. I have basically said "Ok I can give you all the correct answers here but that in no way means I apply the truth to myself or actually feel it myself." Our discourse went something like this yesterday: Therapist: "Less intellect here....more feeling. I don't want the "right" answers." Me: "But I don't like that.....that leaves me so emotionally wide open and vulnerable...a place I hate to be!" Therapist: " I find it helps if you close your eyes so you can block out all distraction. Think back to situation "x" and don't think....just feel." Me: (lets just say that was WAY uncomfortable and a couldn't wait to leave..but hey its a start) I have never really thought it was her as a therapit in this equation...I have always thought it was me. After I got home I emailed her and said"Thanks for being patient. I simply cant be your easiest client." Her reply was "Its an HONOR to work with someone like you." Ok so I have to hope I will eventually get there..... :) Thanks guys
  14. rhyl and Fizzle thanks for your input. I appreciate it. Yesterday went ok I suppose...the most uncomfortable I believe I have ever been there. Much of what I do IRL is pretty much what a therapist does.....so I clearly know "the right answers" so to speak. She knows this...we have even openly discussed it. I have basically said "Ok I can give you all the correct answers here but that in no way means I apply the truth to myself or actually feel it myself." Our discourse went something like this yesterday: Therapist: "Less intellect here....more feeling. I don't want the "right" answers." Me: "But I don't like that.....that leaves me so emotionally wide open and vulnerable...a place I hate to be!" Therapist: " I find it helps if you close your eyes so you can block out all distraction. Think back to situation "x" and don't think....just feel." Me: (lets just say that was WAY uncomfortable and a couldn't wait to leave..but hey its a start) I have never really thought it was her as a therapit in this equation...I have always thought it was me. After I got home I emailed her and said"Thanks for being patient. I simply cant be your easiest client." Her reply was "Its an HONOR to work with someone like you." Ok so I have to hope I will eventually get there..... :) Thanks guys
  15. Im sure it is that I need it but don't want to go. Im sure too that I am afraid I will go through all the difficulty of "laying your life all out there" to a complete stranger and the possibility of it not helping. I hate vulnerability so much. Physical vulnerability ?? Im all over that..does not bother me....but otherwise I am not fond of it. I have never felt completely at ease with her either. Its not her fault really....there has just never been that 100% connection. I think too being out of the habit of going hasn't helped. I hate this... -_-
  16. I haven't seen my therapist in weeks now. I see her tomorrow and I don't know if I am completely dreading it and want out or if I need it and want to go. Anyone else that sees a therapist constantly feel conflicted about going? Either way it always makes me uptight....I wish I felt completely comfortable around her.
  17. I honestly think any "label" can be good or bad. Personality and your predisposition as a person plays a huge role in my opinion. Its a good thing to understand yourself better...to be able to "track things" and have a better understanding of the process and characteristics of something. Yes it can help you go easy on yourself through the more intense times...absolutely. It helps you understand so much better. Can it be a crutch or an excuse? You bet...I believe that it can. Again it all goes back to personality and predisposition to be a certain way to me. Does that make sense? Terrible answer probably but I think each person is an individual case and you can't put a set of "absolutes" down that fits every case. Each person responds differently, has a different amount of desire to get better, has a different set of life experiences, might have other preexisting physical conditions that work against them, ect..ect... As far as the question of depression being temporary or something that you have forever or relapse from....I think that too depends on why the depression is there to begin with. Is it "situational depression"...that being caused by a death or traumatic event of some sort? Or it is rather a "chemical imbalance" in the body. Those are very different cases to me. The first is easier to say that it is a temporary situation...the latter might be something that one battles their whole life. Bottom line IMO is that you can never stop and say "ok fine..this is just what I accept...its never getting any different." I think that is a dangerous and hard place to be. Of course I think most people that struggle with depression stop at that place for a time, but I would hope not stay there forever. Gosh I know I myself have kinda been stuck at that place for a while now....but I must hope that it wont always be that way. Hopefully that helped some. ")
  18. In the midst of all the negative...can I just say how much I love my primary care doctor? She is a total blessing to my life. I have struggled with Viibryd ....it's helped but has been negative too. I completely believe it has affected my negative thoughts and thoughts of suicide. (gosh didn't tell her about the suicidal thoughts...just used the term "extremely negative thoughts." ) My sleep has been affected a lot as well. She wants me to get off of it altogether. It will take about three weeks to wean off. Frankly that scares me to death....and relieves me at the same time. I have read that Viibryd is hard to get off of.....but gosh the positives and negatives are really battling each other. She is about to be gone for about three weeks on vacation....but said to call or email and she will be checking messages and email while she is gone. She said, "We will figure this out." Its just five words...but that was something I needed today.
  19. I think this is a fairly common issue with depression....that being indecision. I have never had that issue till recently...mine is a little different. I had a pretty major decision to make recently that was harder than it would have normally been for me.
  20. Anndddd its SO bad tonight. Oh my gosh...so bad. :( I got some not so good news today....and I am staying in the hospital with my mom who just had surgery. Some days I truly feel like I cant go on. This is so exhausting.
  21. I worry about this all the time. It literally scares me to death. I fear nothing ever getting any better. You are very young. Each day you have to tell yourself that it will get better. Have you tried meds or therapy? Exercise is a must too. (I say that but please understand I have NOT done that lately!LOL)
  22. Thank you :) I am not at all an impulsive person. I have pretty extreme control over my emotions and behaviors. That's only part of why no one except those that are very close to me would even have a slight clue that I am struggling with depression right now. The AD has only made that worse\ better...however you want to look at it. I talked to my doc about sleep issues related to the AD and we have basically cut the dose in half to try to help with that. It seems to have helped the "I don't feel anything" aspect of all of this. (not totally sure how much its helped the sleep issues however...I don't do well with sleep deprivation) I love Brene Brown (look up her TED talks....amazing social worker\ therapist) ...she says "You can't selectively numb pain. If you numb the bad you numb the good too." I have really found that to be true. In the interim period I honestly haven't totally minded feeling nothing...its just easier that way....but wow it tells on you at the same time...its not good! I'm not going to lie however, it horrifies me to even entertain the thought of telling her about suicidal thoughts. I promise the AD has increased that a lot...not sure what to do with that. No I don't mind you bringing up past info I have shared. I don't know what I think about anything anymore. Sure I had a traumatic past event that I have never really fully shared with anyone...but I honestly don't know what role that has played in all of this....guess that is what therapy is for, right? I haven't been to my therapist in weeks. I have an appt on Tuesday. It all still frustrates me immensely. I don't want to go...yet I do want to go....I hate it...yet I feel like maybe I need it. LOL Messed up right?? I'm sure that's actually pretty normal. Gosh I hate it, however! Its so very difficult. I don't do trust...risk of this nature... and vulnerability very well at all. I completely suck at it in fact. I will go sky diving perhaps....I'm all over that kind of risk...just not this kind. Bottom line in all of this I am feeling less and less in control of it all. I do think beginning the process of therapy and in affect ...opening "Pandora's Box" does play into it all. I am smart enough I think to know that I am at a crossroads here....and that I am just afraid to risk emotionally. Again..vulnerability....its a hard pill so swallow for me. What's that they say about change...."We only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." I think I cant figure out which is which right now.
  23. lp44

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    Good therapists are super hard to find! :( That is so very true!
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