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Everything posted by lp44

  1. So few understand that statement. I can literally think of no where else to say it. One of these times I fear I will not find a reason I actually believe to continue.
  2. I am so sorry for your pain. This will be a grieving process for you. So many feelings involved here to work through. There is no easy way out. It feels like abandonment. I mean no fault on anyone's part... But the feelings are still very real. I get the su*cidal thoughts. I really do.... But please know you can't follow through. As horrid as it is... Give yourself time and space to work through this. You know as well as i do it won't be quick. Know that people care. That I care. I'm so sorry..... It's not how it should be for either of you.
  3. Hi Goodness not rambling at all. All you say makes perfect sense and I get it. I do think you need to be proactive as best you can but kind to yourself too. I think we hold on to some of the negative things because it's what we know, it's what's gotten us through, and it's scary to let go. Because yes once we let go it uncovers all the underlying issues that put us there to begin with. It takes courage and much patience to face those things. One day at a time. Make that list ;)
  4. Hi :) Yes I know you understand. I know you care as well. Thank you. You know you rock ;) Im trying
  5. So glad I could be at the right place at the right time. Gosh we all must help each other out. It makes a difference. Glad u chose the gym. Have you made a list of things to do when the urge hits? Go to the gym, listen to music, call a friend, post here, ect... One day at a time, ya know?
  6. Im very sorry its been a hard week. It is so difficult to find perspective when its like that. Be proud of yourself for being on day 6. Thats a hard thing to do. Try to take life one day at a time. Crying is actually a great stress release. I do get not being able to. I haven't cried in years honestly. Give yourself some compassion and space to be in struggle. I hope next week isnt so intense for you.
  7. Therapy does help I think. Its just a huge expense and huge time committment. More than that its just such a leap of faith with no guarantee. I think its the route I must go....but I hate not being able to read "the last chapter of the book." As for a list of issues? I have an ed, PTSD, depression and anxiety. Its a cocktail proving difficult to overcome.
  8. Thank you so much for your input. I appreciate it. I too tend to value other people so much more than myself. Thats both good and bad. I think people do not need to be narcissistic but dont need to ignore themselves either. Tough spot sometimes.
  9. Hi again, Yes its clear. I do hear what you are saying. I even think you are right ....about the depression ruling what our thought processes tell us. Its still so difficult to not say wth? Im done. However, I made another appt with my T. I really don't know how I will react, but its that or I will be more self destructive than I have been this week. I cant flirt with dangerous behavior much more. Worse yet? I don't even care what happens to me. But Im going to T Thank you so much bigmike. I always appreciate it.
  10. Thank you. I'm still here. Mostly just surviving but I'm here. Most of those things I've done. Mostly in stuck in a life that isn't me. Thanks so much for your response. I do appreciate it.
  11. Hi Bigmike! Good to see you. Thank you for you reply. I truly don't take things for granted. I don't even think I have a bad life. I do think if I would have had therapy 20-25 years ago I could have take a very different path in life. I wouldn't have made certain decisions based on thinking "this is all I deserve." Yes fail according to me....perfectionist that I am. I canceled therapy for this next week. Im sure not the best decision....but I am so tired of fighting something I don't think I can win. Thanks again for you reply. I appreciate it always.
  12. Thank you for your reply. I very much appreciate it. I do value my family. I just think at this point that my family will make it ok if I am not here. They are strong people. I am exhausted. I have tried. I have tried therapy. My therapist is exact the match I need. My depression is not exactly without reasons...(k that sounds odd) I just mean I have had certain things\ circumstances that are "add ons" to depression. I am on an antidepressant. It just seems like a no win situation. Im still here though. Again..thank you
  13. Each time I get to a bad place where I'm scared for my family.... Not me. My life has no value to me. Each time I'm back here I'm a little closer to following through. I don't know how to find my life of some value. I struggle to do better only to fail over and over. I work 12-14 hours a day to find value. I go to therapy. I do what I know to do. I mean what's the point? It's a horribly hopeless cycle.
  14. Thank you for your response Callie. I genuinely appreciate your kindness. Always have. Trouble is the permanent choice is what I want right now, but that's not the same as following through either. I was supposed to check in with my pdoc last week and didn't. I'll do that this week. Thanks again... So much.
  15. I'm white knuckling it through way too many days. I can't keep it up at this level. There are only so many distractors. So many things I can use to keep me from doing something permanent. At some point the hope of a better day just isn't a tangible thing or worth it.
  16. 1. Insomnia is not cool. I have to go to work. 2.Therapy is so hard. I'm doing what I'm suppose to do. It's too hard. 3. Too many hard moments exist. Too few moments of peace.
  17. Hi Epictetus! :) First I'm so sorry that you have such problems with tendonitis. I remember correctly you have had problems with that for some time now. It's so hard to navigate chronic pain like that. Thank you for your kind words. So many here struggle. It's really hard to find the purpose behind so many people having a hard time. I'm seeing my therapist shortly. It's been a few weeks. I don't see the point but I'm going anyway. She has endlessly supported me and has walked where I am.... So I'll relinquish my decision to keep trying to her. Thank you again. I appreciate it.
  18. Thank you High Anxiety, A good therapist can so make all the difference. Im glad that yours is great! So glad to read of your progress too. Im glad when anyone can find some victory over all this stuff. Few people really get it. Im sorry you are hanging on by a thread. Boy do I get it. I hope you see better times soon. For now I'm glad this forum and your therapist keep you at a place of "taking that next step" even when all you can see is the step right in front of your feet. Yes it is almost impossible to find "hope and happiness when you can't feel things." They do seem unreachable indeed. Im still here and all...its just hard (as it is for so many...I mean I'm just one person) Im not just trying to recover from depression. I have other significant reasons for being in therapy. Its just all so much at one time. Right now it just seems like I should have kept pretending there was nothing wrong with me.
  19. Wow I don't even know what to say. I mean seriously. I'm just now reading this. I've been rather "off the grid" so to speak. I read your post more than once. Thank you for your kind words. I've had things to distract me of late. I have good days. I have very dark days too. I'm pretty disconnected from everyone right now. I feel like I've done everything within my power to heal from some things. I'm just not at all sure it's going to work. It's super hard to see a reason to keep going through all this. But I'm here. I'm so happy that you have a good therapist. That can make all the difference. I hope you continue to move forward and find good things. :) Again, thank you for your kind words. They meant a lot.
  20. First off I'm very sorry for the fact that this is how you must express your pain. I'm sorry for what has happened to make it that way. I get it. From what I have heard from others a couple of things might help sub for that. One is a rubber band put on like a bracelet. Then snap that on your wrist. Some say ice helps. Now when I get in such bad places in general music is my go to thing. I don't know what things you might enjoy? Music, nature, drawing...idk? Usually "surfing the urge" with one of these things... Or like calling someone. Really does help till the feeling passes. Is the option of talking with a therapist there for you? About underlying issues? Please check back and let us know how you are.
  21. Thank you for your kind words. Feel pretty hopeless in said darkness right now. Listening to music and working.... A little alone time too. Hopefully that will help.
  22. Thank you. Hopefully soon I can find a will to want to put the option of suicide on the shelf. I'm trying some new things so I guess we shall see.
  23. Thank you so very much for your words. I appreciate your kindness. I guess I'm just desperate to find a way to want to live. I mean ultimately I have to decide. I don't want to just keep finding myself in this place. I just really want it to stop. It just needs to stop. All the intrusive thoughts that have come bubbling up as a result of therapy. I want the dreams to stop. I want to stop feeling as if my only worth or purpose is based on what I can accomplish, or how I can help heal other people. If I am not "doing" I get in trouble thought wise. Being still is when it gets me. I mean I'm trying. I've done the right things.... Rambling now... Sorry Thank you though...
  24. I don't even know where to turn. Where to say, "hey I'm scared and I'm very suicidal." I feel like I've honestly tried to make it all work...in and with therapy. I feel like not everyone gets better. I just don't even have a desire to keep trying and I don't really know what to do with that. So very down and I just want it to stop. I've convinced myself everyone could make it ok. Last 24 hours have been rough and I'm not even sure what the trigger is.
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