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Posts posted by lp44

  1. 2 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

    Great to see you back. Thanks for sharing. You sure have gotten through a lot. I admire your courage. I understand how frustrating it is to work so hard on yourself and feel like things should be better then this. I think sometimes the work that we do takes a while to be able to see good results. Also it's like a spiral staircase, you may feel you are stuck in a bad place yet the truth is that you have moved up a lot. It is just that you still have the same issues just at a different level. 

    Hope you hang in there as I think it will pay off eventually. You have come so far already. 


    Thank you :)

    It's just hard to see where I started and how far I've come.  It's scary the all or nothing and f it mindset I can get in.  So much struggle for so long. Remaking your life comes at a high price.  Its cost me so much...yet I know I have gained parts of me back that have been gone for so very long.  At times I just think "has it all been worth it at all?"  

    I'm so worn out.

    Again...thanks so much for responding.  I appreciate it.

  2. It's been a while since I've been on the forum.....just trying to navigate life and all.

    I'm not even sure what I'm needing right now even (not knowing how I feel or what I need....makes me feel ridiculous...makes me not want to reach out anywhere because I think wth who cant identify such things?)  Anyway, I guess after so much work on my life the last two years I can't believe I'm not in a better place rn...or "farther down the road in this process." 

    Short version:  In the past two years.....well go back four years for the start of therapy for the first time(eating disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD)....then 28 months ago made the decision myself to check into a residential eating disorder treatment facility...that gave me the "free and quiet space" I needed in my life to come home and end my 22 year old marriage due to not being able to live with anger, narcissism and emotional abuse anymore.  He was a high profile person in our community, so I lost probably 95% of my friend base because....ya know I'm the crazy, selfish, evil person and all.  Too much to go into but he launched this huge campaign to make sure I was thrown under the bus.  But...I kept what matters honestly...a few loyal friends and my kids knew truth.  However, I cannot even begin to say how ugly it has been.  Hard to survive

    As to the ed... wow what a battle that has been to come back from.  I had one for pretty much 30 years before seeking help....lots of work there....especially since I was not able to do a step down program after residential....then to go back to the firestorm that was my life...as in I'm the one that filed for divorce.   As things related to the ed get better at times, the depression and anxiety skyrocket.  Throw in there two moves and leaving a harmful job for a new one last spring....and my youngest going to college...and OMGosh its been a fight.  New job is better, but extremely intense and out of my comfort zone so I work non stop.

    Many things are better...but  I would still classify myself as someone with an ed...anxiety is ridiculous...and again as I do better with food...depression is so hard.

    I feel like I have fought so hard. Fallen. Gotten back up. Fallen again...fought more.  To be here still??  I'm so tired....so frustrated...and....things with my therapist  feel so stuck.  Shes amazing and I know its not uncommon...but I feel like wtf I worked this hard to be here?

    Holidays are of course hard....I'm a teacher and out of my routine...which is always hard even if I need the break.  My kids are home from college...which is wonderful...but very stressful too...then I feel guilty for feeling stressed about it.

    I need a reason to keep trying..I need resolve.  I just feel like this is good as it gets for me, and thats just not ok after all I have fought through.  Not cool at all.  I feel like I've fallen down and I'm just too tired to get back up and keep fighting.  Im so scary low.

  3. 2 hours ago, nojoy said:

    The therapist recently suggest using  a word or phrase to stop my thoughts from bouncing from one negative thing to another. I tried telling myself to 'let it go'  but got that stupid song from the movie Frozen stuck in my head and 'stop' didn't work out because the cats thought I was talking to them.  I feel that if I could break the cycle of negative thoughts, I would start feeling better and be able to function like a normal person (whatever that is).

    Can you think of a word or phrase that you can associate with something that is meaningful or positive? 

    A word/phrase in a meaningful song? From a special vacation? 

  4. 1 hour ago, lp44 said:

    I am so sorry for your losses. That takes time to process through and for the pain to begin to ease up. It never totally goes away. Probably the best dog I've ever had died in 2014. There are days when things are very hard that I still miss her and want to talk to her. Our pets listen intently with no judgement. They can sense when we are in distress and stay close. It's a powerful bond, or can be. 💙

    As to weight loss, that's so hard and takes such persistence. Eating several smaller meals a day (vs three big ones) helps keep your metabolism up. Avoiding processed foods helps, portion control matters and you might consider consulting a dietitian. Having an accountability partner is super powerful too. Don't try to start too many new habits at one time. Imo you kinda set yourself up for failure when you do that. As you can, brisk walks 3-4 times a day will help kick things off too. 

    I meant walks 3-4 times a week. 😳

  5. 6 hours ago, Maxx55 said:

    Well my two years of bad luck continues....ugh..must be cursed or something. 

    Mom passed away August 2017, pet cat Tiger passed away in November 2018, pet cat Pumpkin passed away April 1st, 2019. That and continuing to deal with other personal issues as well (see my other posts..don't feel like repeating myself right now). 

    I need a vacation. 

    p.s. - anyone know how to lose weight? Tried going to a gym only to get laughed at by some of the gym rats there...did not help my confidence or self-esteem at all. 

    I am so sorry for your losses. That takes time to process through and for the pain to begin to ease up. It never totally goes away. Probably the best dog I've ever had died in 2014. There are days when things are very hard that I still miss her and want to talk to her. Our pets listen intently with no judgement. They can sense when we are in distress and stay close. It's a powerful bond, or can be. 💙

    As to weight loss, that's so hard and takes such persistence. Eating several smaller meals a day (vs three big ones) helps keep your metabolism up. Avoiding processed foods helps, portion control matters and you might consider consulting a dietitian. Having an accountability partner is super powerful too. Don't try to start too many new habits at one time. Imo you kinda set yourself up for failure when you do that. As you can, brisk walks 3-4 times a day will help kick things off too. 

  6. On 3/31/2019 at 7:16 PM, sober4life said:

    Yeah I'm tired of being strong too.  The people around me have forced me to become an award winning actor in my life.  How dare they put me in such a position where there is no trust whatsoever and I feel I have to keep up appearances.  All of this is hard enough as it is and then "family and friends" have to put us through this.  It's absurd!  Today they had the nerve to ask me are you sure you are well enough to drive home?  They couldn't keep me from leaving if they tried!  I keep fighting because I know I'm leaving soon.  That's about it.

    Thank you. 🙂 Yes it is super hard to constantly try to fake it through so many days. 

  7. On 3/31/2019 at 6:26 PM, MarkintheDark said:

    You're right, yours is not a unique post.  What's important is that you're in distress.  What's also important, as if I have to remind you or anyone, you reached out to your sisters and brothers here.  Messed up?  According to whom?  You're hurting and doing the best you can with it.  Perhaps those points can be a smidge of comfort.

    Instead of sh, is there something else that will help distract you?  My go-to lately to sidestep the torturous physical symptoms of anxiety attacks has been binging Netflix.  Yep, I'm serious.  Oh, I've so wished it was something that would get me outta bed, but sometimes that's the best I can do.  Nope, it's not enuf, but it just has to do.

    For some reason I've noticed so many of us posting the same thought here lately.  It's effin' exhausting to keep up appearances. 

    idk that's it's a solution, as such, but I just avoid putting myself in situations in which I have to wear the facade.  Heck, I'll even just lie to get myself clear of a situation that's stressful.  It's important I respect MY limitations, even if no one else understands my actions.  Again, not necessarily the solution I want, but it's often the best I can do at the moment and, frankly, the best I can manage on self-care.


    Thank you so much for your response. It's hard to give myself compassion enough to say I'm doing my best. That doesn't come easy for me. 

    I appreciate you taking the time to respond. 🙂

  8. I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 

    It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 

    That is so messed up I realize. 

    But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 

    😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 

  9. On 11/22/2018 at 12:16 PM, MLJ said:

    It sounds like you have made great strides to get your life and eating disorder under control and put in a lot of hard work. I’m sorry about you losing friends over it and I can relate to the toxic environment of a marriage as you describe. That old saying “things will get worse before they get better” seems to ring true to me. Sometimes we know what we need to do in order to move forward in life even though how difficult it will be to go thru it. I admire you for taking that step. It seems like everything bad always hits at once. Try to look beyond your current circumstance and see what lies ahead. Your goal. Keep pressing forward. Things will improve, even if it’s little at a time. Stay strong. Stay focused. I wish you the best.

    Thank you for responding 😊

    I have taken huge strides to own my life and set it on a better path.  So much struggle in doing that tho. It feels hard to keep trying. 

    You're right... I do know what I need to do. I'm just so tired and it's hard to keep going. 

  10. On 11/20/2018 at 5:30 PM, BeyondWeary said:

    Oh, I so feel for you. I know what it is like to have a really hard year. You are not alone. I have been in this place before and it was like everything that had mattered in my life was stripped away and the emptiness was awful. Slowly new healthier things started coming into my life and it was better than I had before. Yet the process is so uncomfortable. Hope that might encourage you some. As they say it is always darkest before the dawn. It sounds like you will get through this and I pray will have some new things and people come into your life for the better. Hang in there.

    Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. The emptiness is pretty deep. The betrayal feels even worse tho. 

    I hope it gets better soon. 


  11. 11 hours ago, Lorax said:

    Driving home tonight my mind was wandering to all sorts of different things, that at first seemed random and disconnected. Then I realized it was the things I missed the most about not having someone who I feel close with anymore. Just little things like getting a call or text just because they wanted to say hi. Climbing into bed next to her, trying not to wake her up but secretly hoping she will. Deciding at two in the morning to hop in the car and drive to the beach. It could be countless things that to most people seem as just common or little things. 

    But one of the most important things I have learned from this depression is that the little things aren't so little. 

    Very mindful observation. 😊 The little things really are *everything* in my opinion. They can make you sad when you have loss (boy have I been there) but the good news is they can also bring glimpses of relief and sometimes even joy when you are purposeful about noticing them in your life.  Find the little things that bring your joy...a good cup of coffee, Christmas lights, baking for people, music, collecting shells, a good fire in the firepit....these are a few of mine. Take them and incorporate into your life when you can. Or start new little habits and traditions. 

  12. This post will likely ramble.  I'm going to go shopping to distract myself shortly but I guess I need a place to put it all.

    My grief today feels so overwhelming.

    In the past little over a year....I  chose to go to residential treatment for an eating disorder. (humbling experience let me tell ya...but something I knew I needed to do after 3 decades with an ed and never having sought treatment)  I stepped into the unknown partially to stop and have peace long enough to find a fraction of value in myself...and to live for a moment in a safe environment in which to give myself permission to make the hard decision that I knew I needed to make but had been struggling for two years with)

    I ended my 22 year marriage.  No one had an affair but I couldn't live in toxicity anymore.  I couldn't live with a bully anymore.  I couldn't live with emotional abuse anymore.

    Insert losing 95% of my friend base (he was a prominent figure in our little world)

    Letters of judgement...emails...calls....I am "out of sight and out of mind" to most everyone....forgotten...tho I had 20 years of service to the community of people we were a part of. 

    The last year has been flooded with overwhelming grief the likes of which I have never...and will likely never experience again.

    Depression. Anxiety. Relapse. Im better as far as the ed is concerned, but not where I need to be.  Ive about decided "this is as good as it gets"  IDK  I feel so defeated.

    I am a fighter. I am a survivor.  I have fought. I have had help.  I don't know where to go from here. 

    This past year has been so hard.  The holidays of course feel like this blanket of sorrow and sometimes a bit of happiness....that honestly just make depression worse even if you try to find hope.

    I can't have worked so hard for it to end like this.  I don't know what else to do

    I feel like...in my real life world....although I am trying to keep my kids together that it would not matter in the least if I crash and burn.  I feel like my imprint on the world has been meaningless.



  13. On 11/5/2018 at 4:22 PM, Sarahh2018 said:

    Hi Everyone,
    I need some advice. My ex that I was dating for over 2.5 years wanted some space. I did no contact for 2 months and he reached out (we havent been together for 8 months but talked back and forth). We talked abit. He has started getting help. Understands that I am not to blame now. Taking accountability for his actions. I asked him what he wanted and he says he is not ready for a relationship right now, that he needs to fix himself. He loves me and misses me but he cannot commit to anyone. He doesn't know what he wants right now.
    He wants to be friends.
    What should I do? One hand I feel like I won't be respected if I stay as his friend when he says he isn't ready. But on the other, he is finally starting to get things.
    Advice please.

    This is a hard situation that no one but you can make a decision on.  Truly no one but you.  JMO but I think its a very positive thing that he sees he must take a hard look at himself...and not exactly "fix" but work on himself first.  I don't think any of us can be what we need to be for another person until we are what we need to be for ourselves first and foremost....some see that as selfish but I don't think it is at all.  2.5 years is a long time to date....strong ties and feelings are developed.  It totally depends on the individual as to whether or not a friendship can be maintained without old things\ issues\ patterns creeping in and clouding things.  I think for most its really hard, but some people seem to pull it off. 

    Again...no one can make this decision but you....but its not going to be easy I dont think....lines get blurred awfully quick.  I like the idea of talking it over with a therapist.  Each persons situation is different.  Honestly if the relationship is real....at whatever level....it's going to be there...even if you continue to take the space you each need to work on yourselves.

  14. On 11/9/2018 at 6:36 PM, sad in grand Rapids said:


    life  is awsome and i feel great and yes im high but i now are certain as i like to say is life changing if used corerctly  i feel more balanced and I've taken many tolerance breaks that send mood into hyper drive then i crash and i wlllow in despair for months. 

    mood stabilizers are really helping i still haven't reached a high enough blood level so i have to go the to lab in 5 days and see if depakote level are high enough and in patient doc or pamiry will okay 2000 mg a day. it was raised to 1500 mg Dose After Blood Test. I feel a lot better than 2 weeks ago.  I Have undergone a tremendous Transformation in the last 2 weeks.  II believe I have a bright future in front of me I believe it was mental illness that was holding me back this whole time. So I make this declaration I will never give up In the words In the words of Jimmy V Don't give up don't ever give up!  I have given up almost all my unhealthy thoughts. This outpatient day program has completely re organize self that I know believe in myself now and it's real.  im going to ask a girl out to have coffee i like at work. She will probaly say no or she has someone but imost important doing is me doing the asking. asking is a quantum step for me but if you want something you half to show up. i stoped schowing up for life expect work and skiing and drink and get high/drink,rock out, watch tv repeat.  I'm just being realistic she statically will probably say no. i have to worry about me others can have watherver  thoughts they want. i would accept a even a friendship as you can never use to many friends. i am also going to see myvindividual therapist monday  the phychrist in one month but may have canaclations. also going to calvin college and talk to old professors and ask for recomdation for job. i want to somehow go to grade school i love learning. school is easy for me but it used to be hard then i became responsible and it was great.











    I'm so glad things seem to be so much better for you David.  Sounds like you have a plan in place to keep up with support as you navigate through life!  

  15. On 11/7/2018 at 5:33 PM, cherryvlossom said:

    I don't know what to do guys. I used to be one of the smartest kids in high school. I graduated within the top 5% in my class. Now I'm in college and the energy isn't the same. My GPA is currently a 3.1, and with the scholarship I have, the minimum I'm supposed to keep is a 3.2. I'm trying to be positive but if I lose this scholarship I don't know what'll happen. I can't be a failure.

    College is so brutal.  It's like you are being tested on all fronts!  You are experiencing so much that its kinda like a "system overload" at times.  Please have some compassion first for how hard this time in your life can be.  I'm sure you might have already done this but have you sought out all the help and resources you have available to you?  I know most campuses have tutoring centers available....maybe talk to your professors too about the best way to go about getting up to where you need to be?  Have you sought our the counselors that I know are available there...to talk through some of how you are feeling?  They can guide you to further resources.  It completely sounds to me like you absolutely have what it takes to pull through this bump in the road.  You are not alone in this...I promise.  You are smart or you wouldn't have received a scholarship in the first place....just because you are struggling doesn't change that fact.

    I hope you can see some rays of light soon!  College is rough sometimes...

  16. On 11/7/2018 at 9:03 PM, JessiesMom said:

    So, it is my birthday on Friday. My mother called me on Monday to invite me to lunch with her and my sister on Thursday at like noon. I said it sounded good. 

    Tuesday - a co-worker asked me to go to am important meeting on Thursday (at noom, of course) to back her up on some important issues. I am committed to my job and the mission of the organization I work for (we do home repairs and modifications for low income homeowners). I decided that I needed to go to the meeting, so I called my sister to see of we could push the lunch back to 1:30. No problem, she says. So I call my Mom and have the same conversation. She hems and haws, but agrees that it will work.

    Cut to today, which in many ways was a day from hell work-wise.I call my sister to make final plans, only to discover thaty mother has decided that 1:30 is too late for lunch and we will just have to do it another day. Typical. She is upset because my Dad lost his bid for the city council....did not sleep well....blah, blah, blah. The worst bit is that she did not even bother to call me and let me know.

    It is not that I do not have sympathy for her stuff - but I am always expected to put family first and put on a good face and be on my best behavior. Nope - I am done allowing her to walk all over me. She will never be able to be the mother that I deserve - and I will just have to greive that fact and find my own support that I can rely on.

    Im sorry this situation even happened...and likely is something thats been a re-occurrence for years.  We find ourselves always being the one to modify whats going on in our lives to fit others...when instead it should be just a natural flow of give and take in relationships.  I have no idea if there is a pattern in your life with your family in regards to things like you describe here, but I bet there is. I agree with a PP in that transparent and vulnerable communication needs to at least be attempted (maybe you have...idk...not trying at all to say you haven't...I seriously relate to your post) Sometimes people are unaware of how self centered their behavior can be....but then unfortunately people cant see...dont want to see...and fully intend to just keep doing the same thing.

    After you have tried to show them how their actions are hurtful (sounds like you have done that perhaps) then I agree...move forward without guilt.  Sure see them...but dont stress over altering what you have going on when they dont consider you.

    Again....so sorry...this stuff is very hurtful...especially when it involves family.  That tends to sting more even tho we tell ourselves "whatever...I dont care"

    It's really so hard coming to terms isnt it??....with the fact that for whatever reason family isnt always capable of being who we need for them to be. 

  17. On 11/2/2018 at 6:54 AM, SailingSoul said:

    By that I mean like... 

    Cutting or drinking 


    Bc I hate my life ...being sober just makes me realize how much it sucks.

    And being sober through my failures ( through I try so hard)makes me feel so hopeless and lowers my moral.

    I don't have words of wisdom that haven't been said here already.  I just wanted to be another person to say "I get it."  

    Being numb is so preferable many days.  It's not exactly living, but one desperately desires a reprieve sometimes.

  18. On 11/1/2018 at 8:49 PM, MarkintheDark said:

    Yours was a painful post for me to read.  As some folks here know, you've just described the past month of my life.  I want to address the courage part of it, since I think we're on the same page.  You and I know just how much courage it's taken us personally to fight these battles.  I don't have words to describe the effort.  Since I'm still just crawling out of it, my frustration is that there's rarely anyone who recognizes the superhuman effort it's required for me to push forward, even when I know there will be pushback from those who clearly don't give a damn about me.  There have been so many times the past few weeks I wish I'd died while I was in the hospital - medical issue - a few weeks ago.

    If anything, I can reassure you that your actions were the right ones.  Exactly the same as my actions were the right ones.  And, no, I don't think either one of us expected such vicious, sustained counterattacks from all sides.  They've drained the very life outta me.  I've been in pure survival mode most of the time.

    There have been two professionals, a therapist and an NP, who have supported me unconditionally.  Without them...well, you know the rest of that story.

    idk if this is useful.  In my condition, I'm physically weak, the docs saying I need a month to recuperate (at exactly the same time all this sh#t was hitting the fan, as though they were just waiting to kick me when I was down...with a new damned surprise every effin' day).  One area for which I've fought is that space to recover.  I've told more than a few people I'm sick, I need recovery time and if they can't respect that, then they can go to hell.  As much as possible, I've cut every toxic person out of my life or severely restricted their access to me.  I can't afford not to.

    Good heavens, @lp44, I'm hoping you find little bits of peace to help you recharge.

    Thank you for posting. I'm sorry you relate to what I am talking about.  You are completely right when you say that "I have no words to describe the effort.  Since I'm just crawling out of it, my frustration is that there's rarely anyone who recognizes the superhuman effort its required for me to push forward..."  Every day I feel like this....life is swirling around me and all I can think most days is " ok I'm super concerned for my mental health.  IDK if I can keep going very much longer.  Something bad is going to happen."

    I understand "I wish I had died too"  I very much hope your body can heal as it should...that makes everything else easier.  Im thankful that you do have the support from the therapist and NP.  Those things literally become a life line.

    "Space to recover"  I need this very much so....I have kept going wide open because life dictated that I must.  I have bills to pay and not enough savings to take time off.  

    "Cut off every toxic person out of my life....I cant afford not to"  Yep...it comes down to that no matter what it looks like to the outside world.  They dont know its literally needed for survival....even those that think they get it...or mean to get it really dont.

    I too...hope you are able to heal and move forward with a new sense of purpose.  I think thats what scares me most....I need a sense of purpose back.

    Thanks again...

  19. On 10/30/2018 at 8:03 AM, Floor2017 said:

    My friend I do understand and I’m trying 

    to learn how to enjoy my

    accomplishments in life as well.  I have 

    worked really hard the last 30 years and I 

    have the majority of stuff that I have 

    always wanted but I don’t enjoy it.  

    However I’m trying to learn new

    techniques how to enjoy life without

     the approvals of other people

    satisfaction.   😃


    "without the approval of other people"  

    I do think that is a pretty critical element in the "recipe of life"  

    Thank you for posting. 🙂  I wish you continued success.  Its so hard, isnt it?!

  20. 20 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

    So sorry for all you are going through yet thanks for posting as I can so relate. I worked really hard for about 20 years and especially the last 5. I don’t see any other issues I can work on and yet in some ways my mental illness is worse to live with. Thanks for your honest sharing. It is nice to know again that I am not alone in this. 

    Thanks for responding.  I am sorry to know you can identify honestly.  I hope things can get better for you.

      I just dont know what to do with working hard to achieve something....to get to a better place....then stagnating so much and not knowing how to make it better.

    Guess I hope things get better for both of us

  21. Reality certainly bites sometimes doesnt it?  It is always hard when we actually get what we need "mental health wise" then we have to go back to normal life.  I try to find little things...no matter how small...to "look towards" for a moment of reprieve.  It doesnt always work...but I try.

    You will settle back into a routine.  Try to find things that work as far as daily self care.  That is a huge challenge I know...but its so needed.

    I hope things get better!

  22. I am so sorry you are having these health issues.  Its genuinely hard enough to navigate the depression....then to have other health issues on top of that can often feel like it's all just too much.  But the two things you speak of will have an end...they do have a solution to them.  Things can get better after that.  I know several people who have had the CT surgery....after recovery things were so much better.

    As to the CPills...be sure and keep in touch with your Dr about how you are feeling.  There are lots of choices\alternatives these days.  Meanwhile find someone to check in with during the break in period.

    Post back here and let us know how you are doing. 🙂

    Things can get better for you

  23. 9 hours ago, JD4010 said:

    @lp44 Sorry for all of the crap you've been through...but good on you for getting away from the toxicity and seeking treatment.

    Bringing back hope would be a wonderful thing, eh?

    Thank you 🙂  The toxicity would have resulted in my trying to take my own life for sure....I had to get out.  

    Perhaps at some point hope will be there  again. 

    Thanks again...

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