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Everything posted by lp44

  1. Thank you :) It's just hard to see where I started and how far I've come. It's scary the all or nothing and f it mindset I can get in. So much struggle for so long. Remaking your life comes at a high price. Its cost me so much...yet I know I have gained parts of me back that have been gone for so very long. At times I just think "has it all been worth it at all?" I'm so worn out. Again...thanks so much for responding. I appreciate it.
  2. It's been a while since I've been on the forum.....just trying to navigate life and all. I'm not even sure what I'm needing right now even (not knowing how I feel or what I need....makes me feel ridiculous...makes me not want to reach out anywhere because I think wth who cant identify such things?) Anyway, I guess after so much work on my life the last two years I can't believe I'm not in a better place rn...or "farther down the road in this process." Short version: In the past two years.....well go back four years for the start of therapy for the first time(eating disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD)....then 28 months ago made the decision myself to check into a residential eating disorder treatment facility...that gave me the "free and quiet space" I needed in my life to come home and end my 22 year old marriage due to not being able to live with anger, narcissism and emotional abuse anymore. He was a high profile person in our community, so I lost probably 95% of my friend base because....ya know I'm the crazy, selfish, evil person and all. Too much to go into but he launched this huge campaign to make sure I was thrown under the bus. But...I kept what matters honestly...a few loyal friends and my kids knew truth. However, I cannot even begin to say how ugly it has been. Hard to survive As to the ed... wow what a battle that has been to come back from. I had one for pretty much 30 years before seeking help....lots of work there....especially since I was not able to do a step down program after residential....then to go back to the firestorm that was my life...as in I'm the one that filed for divorce. As things related to the ed get better at times, the depression and anxiety skyrocket. Throw in there two moves and leaving a harmful job for a new one last spring....and my youngest going to college...and OMGosh its been a fight. New job is better, but extremely intense and out of my comfort zone so I work non stop. Many things are better...but I would still classify myself as someone with an ed...anxiety is ridiculous...and again as I do better with food...depression is so hard. I feel like I have fought so hard. Fallen. Gotten back up. Fallen again...fought more. To be here still?? I'm so tired....so frustrated...and....things with my therapist feel so stuck. Shes amazing and I know its not uncommon...but I feel like wtf I worked this hard to be here? Holidays are of course hard....I'm a teacher and out of my routine...which is always hard even if I need the break. My kids are home from college...which is wonderful...but very stressful too...then I feel guilty for feeling stressed about it. I need a reason to keep trying..I need resolve. I just feel like this is good as it gets for me, and thats just not ok after all I have fought through. Not cool at all. I feel like I've fallen down and I'm just too tired to get back up and keep fighting. Im so scary low.
  3. Can you think of a word or phrase that you can associate with something that is meaningful or positive? A word/phrase in a meaningful song? From a special vacation?
  4. I am so sorry for your losses. That takes time to process through and for the pain to begin to ease up. It never totally goes away. Probably the best dog I've ever had died in 2014. There are days when things are very hard that I still miss her and want to talk to her. Our pets listen intently with no judgement. They can sense when we are in distress and stay close. It's a powerful bond, or can be. As to weight loss, that's so hard and takes such persistence. Eating several smaller meals a day (vs three big ones) helps keep your metabolism up. Avoiding processed foods helps, portion control matters and you might consider consulting a dietitian. Having an accountability partner is super powerful too. Don't try to start too many new habits at one time. Imo you kinda set yourself up for failure when you do that. As you can, brisk walks 3-4 times a day will help kick things off too.
  5. Things are still a little intense. It's been a while since I've gone through such an intense streak. Thanks for your response.
  6. Thank you. Yes it is super hard to constantly try to fake it through so many days.
  7. Thank you. This means a lot. I appreciate your response.
  8. Thank you so much for your response. It's hard to give myself compassion enough to say I'm doing my best. That doesn't come easy for me. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
  9. I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle. How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. That is so messed up I realize. But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong.
  10. Thank you for responding I have taken huge strides to own my life and set it on a better path. So much struggle in doing that tho. It feels hard to keep trying. You're right... I do know what I need to do. I'm just so tired and it's hard to keep going.
  11. Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. The emptiness is pretty deep. The betrayal feels even worse tho. I hope it gets better soon. Thx.
  12. Very mindful observation. The little things really are *everything* in my opinion. They can make you sad when you have loss (boy have I been there) but the good news is they can also bring glimpses of relief and sometimes even joy when you are purposeful about noticing them in your life. Find the little things that bring your joy...a good cup of coffee, Christmas lights, baking for people, music, collecting shells, a good fire in the firepit....these are a few of mine. Take them and incorporate into your life when you can. Or start new little habits and traditions.
  13. This post will likely ramble. I'm going to go shopping to distract myself shortly but I guess I need a place to put it all. My grief today feels so overwhelming. In the past little over a year....I chose to go to residential treatment for an eating disorder. (humbling experience let me tell ya...but something I knew I needed to do after 3 decades with an ed and never having sought treatment) I stepped into the unknown partially to stop and have peace long enough to find a fraction of value in myself...and to live for a moment in a safe environment in which to give myself permission to make the hard decision that I knew I needed to make but had been struggling for two years with) I ended my 22 year marriage. No one had an affair but I couldn't live in toxicity anymore. I couldn't live with a bully anymore. I couldn't live with emotional abuse anymore. Insert losing 95% of my friend base (he was a prominent figure in our little world) Letters of judgement...emails...calls....I am "out of sight and out of mind" to most everyone....forgotten...tho I had 20 years of service to the community of people we were a part of. The last year has been flooded with overwhelming grief the likes of which I have never...and will likely never experience again. Depression. Anxiety. Relapse. Im better as far as the ed is concerned, but not where I need to be. Ive about decided "this is as good as it gets" IDK I feel so defeated. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I have fought. I have had help. I don't know where to go from here. This past year has been so hard. The holidays of course feel like this blanket of sorrow and sometimes a bit of happiness....that honestly just make depression worse even if you try to find hope. I can't have worked so hard for it to end like this. I don't know what else to do I feel like...in my real life world....although I am trying to keep my kids together that it would not matter in the least if I crash and burn. I feel like my imprint on the world has been meaningless.
  14. This is a hard situation that no one but you can make a decision on. Truly no one but you. JMO but I think its a very positive thing that he sees he must take a hard look at himself...and not exactly "fix" but work on himself first. I don't think any of us can be what we need to be for another person until we are what we need to be for ourselves first and foremost....some see that as selfish but I don't think it is at all. 2.5 years is a long time to date....strong ties and feelings are developed. It totally depends on the individual as to whether or not a friendship can be maintained without old things\ issues\ patterns creeping in and clouding things. I think for most its really hard, but some people seem to pull it off. Again...no one can make this decision but you....but its not going to be easy I dont think....lines get blurred awfully quick. I like the idea of talking it over with a therapist. Each persons situation is different. Honestly if the relationship is real....at whatever level....it's going to be there...even if you continue to take the space you each need to work on yourselves.
  15. I'm so glad things seem to be so much better for you David. Sounds like you have a plan in place to keep up with support as you navigate through life!
  16. College is so brutal. It's like you are being tested on all fronts! You are experiencing so much that its kinda like a "system overload" at times. Please have some compassion first for how hard this time in your life can be. I'm sure you might have already done this but have you sought out all the help and resources you have available to you? I know most campuses have tutoring centers available....maybe talk to your professors too about the best way to go about getting up to where you need to be? Have you sought our the counselors that I know are available there...to talk through some of how you are feeling? They can guide you to further resources. It completely sounds to me like you absolutely have what it takes to pull through this bump in the road. You are not alone in this...I promise. You are smart or you wouldn't have received a scholarship in the first place....just because you are struggling doesn't change that fact. I hope you can see some rays of light soon! College is rough sometimes...
  17. Im sorry this situation even happened...and likely is something thats been a re-occurrence for years. We find ourselves always being the one to modify whats going on in our lives to fit others...when instead it should be just a natural flow of give and take in relationships. I have no idea if there is a pattern in your life with your family in regards to things like you describe here, but I bet there is. I agree with a PP in that transparent and vulnerable communication needs to at least be attempted (maybe you have...idk...not trying at all to say you haven't...I seriously relate to your post) Sometimes people are unaware of how self centered their behavior can be....but then unfortunately people cant see...dont want to see...and fully intend to just keep doing the same thing. After you have tried to show them how their actions are hurtful (sounds like you have done that perhaps) then I agree...move forward without guilt. Sure see them...but dont stress over altering what you have going on when they dont consider you. Again....so sorry...this stuff is very hurtful...especially when it involves family. That tends to sting more even tho we tell ourselves "whatever...I dont care" It's really so hard coming to terms isnt it??....with the fact that for whatever reason family isnt always capable of being who we need for them to be.
  18. I don't have words of wisdom that haven't been said here already. I just wanted to be another person to say "I get it." Being numb is so preferable many days. It's not exactly living, but one desperately desires a reprieve sometimes.
  19. Thank you for posting. I'm sorry you relate to what I am talking about. You are completely right when you say that "I have no words to describe the effort. Since I'm just crawling out of it, my frustration is that there's rarely anyone who recognizes the superhuman effort its required for me to push forward..." Every day I feel like this....life is swirling around me and all I can think most days is " ok I'm super concerned for my mental health. IDK if I can keep going very much longer. Something bad is going to happen." I understand "I wish I had died too" I very much hope your body can heal as it should...that makes everything else easier. Im thankful that you do have the support from the therapist and NP. Those things literally become a life line. "Space to recover" I need this very much so....I have kept going wide open because life dictated that I must. I have bills to pay and not enough savings to take time off. "Cut off every toxic person out of my life....I cant afford not to" Yep...it comes down to that no matter what it looks like to the outside world. They dont know its literally needed for survival....even those that think they get it...or mean to get it really dont. I too...hope you are able to heal and move forward with a new sense of purpose. I think thats what scares me most....I need a sense of purpose back. Thanks again...
  20. "without the approval of other people" I do think that is a pretty critical element in the "recipe of life" Thank you for posting. I wish you continued success. Its so hard, isnt it?!
  21. Thanks for responding. I am sorry to know you can identify honestly. I hope things can get better for you. I just dont know what to do with working hard to achieve something....to get to a better place....then stagnating so much and not knowing how to make it better. Guess I hope things get better for both of us
  22. Reality certainly bites sometimes doesnt it? It is always hard when we actually get what we need "mental health wise" then we have to go back to normal life. I try to find little things...no matter how small...to "look towards" for a moment of reprieve. It doesnt always work...but I try. You will settle back into a routine. Try to find things that work as far as daily self care. That is a huge challenge I know...but its so needed. I hope things get better!
  23. I am so sorry you are having these health issues. Its genuinely hard enough to navigate the depression....then to have other health issues on top of that can often feel like it's all just too much. But the two things you speak of will have an end...they do have a solution to them. Things can get better after that. I know several people who have had the CT surgery....after recovery things were so much better. As to the CPills...be sure and keep in touch with your Dr about how you are feeling. There are lots of choices\alternatives these days. Meanwhile find someone to check in with during the break in period. Post back here and let us know how you are doing. Things can get better for you
  24. Thank you The toxicity would have resulted in my trying to take my own life for sure....I had to get out. Perhaps at some point hope will be there again. Thanks again...
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