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About Heather89

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  • Birthday 11/30/1989

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    Scotland (Glasgow)
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    Motorbike speedway, university studies.

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  1. Hi guys, I have been with my new boyfriend for just over a month, but the situation is kind of strange yet amazing at the same time. It's one of those ones where you could think "maybe it was fate" but at the same time I have anxieties which I really need to get out as I am too embarrassed to fully tell the story to my close friends. This is a bit of a long story to tell in order to explain the situation properly, which I apologise for. But I am in real hope of someone taking the time to read this and give me their opinion. So if you do read this I want to say thank you so much :) I really appreciate it. I have suffered from anxiety most of my life and the last few years I overcame depression. Last October I was on Facebook and I liked a guy I went to school with years ago's status. It was late on a Friday night and he messaged me not long after. I hadn't spoken to him since high school which was over 10 years ago. We went to primary school together and high school but then I moved city. We didn't really talk much in school and I had never had an attraction to him. Not long into the conversation eh blurted out that he had been suffering badly from depression and was dealing with suicidal thoughts. He explained he had been in hospital as he was suicidal and had since been discharged but was still feeling awful. He said he had a feeling that I had dealt with similar issues and he felt drawn to speak to me about it. He felt he could trust me. So over the next 3 months I spoke to him on Facebook every day trying to support and reassure him. He ended up back in hospital for ten months, he was admitted in November because he didn't feel safe due to his suicidal ideation. Over this ten months I would speak to him and it became increasingly evident that his girlfriend at the time wasn't being very supportive of him and it was messing him up in the head. I won't go into details about how she was with him but she really was very harsh, nasty and selfish when it came to him. She actually shouted at him when he asked what she would like for Valentines day, saying that she would go crazy if he got her anything. Valentines day came and she didn't even come to see him in hospital. So I took him to the cinema to see a movie instead. He would send me the WhatsApp conversations between the 2 of them and it made me so angry how she was treating him. At this point I had no feelings in a romantic sense towards him. But I knew and told him he would be best to leave her. Unfortunately 2 days after Valentines day when he was finally discharged from the hospital she broke up with him, saying she just couldn't give him the reassurance and support he expected. I just found it ridiculous. He was really down and just sitting in his room playing the xbox all day feeling rubbish so I said to him to come to mine for a few days and I would get him out the house and doing things. The first night he seemed in quite a good mood so we had a couple drinks and went out for a few games of pool. We ended up fairly drunk and ended up kissing and sleeping together. For some reason it didn't feel awkward the next day, maybe because we had been talking for so long and been so close. He stayed for a few more days and we were cuddling all the time and he was hinting that he felt more for me than he initially thought. I started thinking this too, as he really is the perfect guy, even with his illness. On the last night he was at mine he asked me what I was thinking in regards to him. After a while of trying to get me to talk I told him that if I let myself I could probably fall madly in love with him. Unfortunately on the last day he was at mine he got a phone call from his brother, his mum and his dad shouting at him because noone had taken his dog a walk that day. He thought he had it arranged for a neighbour to come take the dog out for him but they hadn't turned up. He is very sensitive at the moment and after an amazing few days he was shot right back down again. His family expected him to sit at home all day. He wasn't allowed to drive due to the medication he was on so he literally would have to sit doing nothing all day if he couldn't get a friend to come over. I drove him home but 2 days after I was speaking to him and he was extremely drunk. He had bought a litre of alcohol and drank the majority of it and was in a right state. His family went crazy at him and he was admitted to hospital again. I was so angry. I couldn't understand why his family couldn't be more careful with how they handled things with him. He was devastated to be back in hospital so I put my life to the side and visited him in hospital every day. Some days just lying holding him on the bed telling him everything will be OK. I took my laptop up and we would watch films and I would take a chinese or a nandos in for us to eat. We would kiss sometimes and were very cuddly. I was confused by what was happening but it felt so right at the same time. When I would go home we would talk online and he would say that he couldn't stop thinking about me. I said I was confused and he said he definitely wasn't confused and felt that what was going on between us was meant to happen. Of course I was wary though because it had only been about a month since him and his ex had split up. And he was pretty torn up about that. He would say that he hadn't really been thinking about her because of what was going on between the both of us. After a nice day at the hospital I had went home and we were chatting online as we always did. We spoke about what was going on with us and I voiced my concerns about his ex etc. He said it was nothing to worry about and we agreed that we were officially in a relationship. One day, however, when he was allowed to go home for the day I picked him up and took him home. We watched a movie then just lay on his bed chatting. I had noticed the fish tank in his room and wondered how long it had been since they had been fed. I asked him and he said "I don't care, that was her thing". And tears started falling from his eyes. I got up and fed the poor fish and then was thankful that I hadn't let myself fully get attached to him in that sense. He would always get really upset when we were driving back to the hospital at night. But this night when we arrived we sat in the car for a while before he headed back in. I sat in silence knowing he was upset about his ex so I had to say something. I said "you're not over her are you?" and he totally broke down and said that he wasn't. For some reason this didn't hurt me, I wasn't surprised. He panicked though saying he truly loved me and he was extremely worried that I would leave him now. He really was so worried it killed me but I assured him that wasn't the case. He spoke to his therapist about this the following night and they came to the conclusion that he did love me but he was still recovering from the horrible way he was treated by his ex. This is understandable and I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to be his girlfriend. After a couple of weeks with medication change and therapy he was starting to feel really good. He was no longer feeling suicidal and we had spent nearly every day together while he was in the hospital. He was discharged and went to visit his parents in Portugal for a week. There had been no mention of his ex over that period of around 3 weeks and while he was in Portugal he was constantly in touch with me and expressing how much he missed me. When he came back he came and stayed at mine and we had some great nights out, went to the cinema, for dinner etc, had movie nights, just a generally great time. He had to go home for a few days but then he came back to mine and we went out shopping then to a centre which had loads of restaurants etc and we had something to eat. I asked if he had ever been there and he said yeah once when he came to play mini golf, I remembered he'd been to the mini golf with his ex and I noticed that he seemed to be quite down while we were there, For the rest of the day he was very quiet and upset, though he was still very cuddly with me, telling me he loved me etc. Everything was still the same with us but my feelings have grown but the ex situation has got me wondering if he is really with me for me or because he doesn't want to be alone and is trying to get over his ex? He is away on holiday just now and it has given me time to think and analyse. He has said to me once he hopes one day we are engaged and we have a child and move in together. He always wants to be with me but I'm a bit of an ambivert. I love my times with people and being a bit crazy but I also love my time alone and recharging I guess. He worries when we aren't together that I'm not missing him and I don't want to be with him. But it's just me the way I am, I like to have my "me time" every now and then. I'm not the type of person who can constantly be around people. I do feel that what we have is real but at the same time I worry about the ex situation. It has been 2 months since him and his ex split. He explained to me a few days ago that every day his thoughts of her get less and less. It really is great between us but I would just like the opinion of someone completely independent from the situation to explain their thoughts on the situation? Do you think you can really love someone when you still have heartache about an ex? I know it was silly of me to get into a relationship with him so early but it just happened and there was no stopping it. We would have to just not see each other in order to stop it but I was his only consistent support so I wouldn't ignore him. What do you think I should do? I am confused as to what I am really asking here but I just really need to know other people's thoughts on this situation, what would you do? He is on holiday on a cruise for 3 weeks so I have time to be with my thoughts and think about things. And I guess it gives him a chance to clear his head too. If you have read this THANK YOU. I actually cannot believe how long this is but it was difficult to put the full story into a shortened version. And I am a total ranter haha! Hope to hear back with some opinions :) thanks.
  2. I had this same issue when I had tried citalopram before, it was awful. I am now trying sertraline and take my 4th dose tonight. I was put on 50mg to start off with and take it right before I put my head down to sleep and I have slept not a problem. I have taken a nytol about an hour before going to sleep too. Maybe try taking it at night? I also haven't experienced any major side effects throughout the day whereas with the citalopram it was horrible.
  3. Hey! I literally took my first zoloft 50mg last night before I went to sleep last night and today I feel amaaaaazing! I feel motivated and energetic and happy! It does feel like a euphoria! I had been on trazodone for 3 years, with a stint on citalopram half way through that. I only managed 2 doses of the citalopram as they made me feel unbelievably awful as if I was on some really messed up illegal drugs. So since then I had been back on the trazodone but they didn't help much. I broke down last week and went back to the doctor and she said to try sertraline, I was scared but agreed to try. I couldn't sleep on the citalopram and had total restless leg syndrome so thats why I took the sertraline right before I put my head down, and also took a trazodone (I am being weaned off them) with some nytol too to help with the sleep. I had the best sleep. Only similarity to the citalopram is that my pupils are HUGE but I kinda like that haha! Anyone else had this experience with sertraline?
  4. Hey there, I just logged in for the first time in a while and seen your reply. I hope you are doing OK now? This drug definitely does not suit us, I don't know how anyone can put up with those side effects! x
  5. This is definitely one for crappy days eh lol! Whats going on at work and what are your family arguing about? I'm not doing anything if you need someone to rant to. Also, I see you are on both trazodone and citalopram. I'm on trazodone and have been for 3 months. I feel it only really helps with my insomnia so I asked the doctor if I could try citalopram along with the trazodone. He said you can't take both at the same time. I weaned off the trazodone and started on citalopram but the side effects were too much for me to deal with while I was studying for my exams. If I had the trazodone to take at night it might not have been too bad becuase it calms me down. So I went back on trazodone only, and now the doctor wants me to stick with the trazodone. How has being on both meds been for you?
  6. This is definitely one for crappy days eh lol! Whats going on at work and what are your family arguing about? I'm not doing anything if you need someone to rant to.
  7. I feel your frustration, I'm going through pretty much the same thing right now. I have actually brought it up with my boyfriend about how he never tries to help me through this and seems to care more about the things going on in his own life than how I feel. I'm fed up being the one that listens to him when he talks about himself and his problems, being the one that always suggests to go out for dinner or go to the cinema or go on a trip. It feels like my relationship is a one way street sometimes and I'm starting to feel really deflated. I'm sorry, I know I did not give you any advice, because I am looking for the same advice myself. Sometimes it's just nice to know there's someone going through the same sort of thing. You can talk to me and rant to me whenever you want :)
  8. Yeah I think mostly it is. It's not that he's a bad person or anything, he just doesn't think of these things, it's annoying. I've said to him a few times about it and he said he would start taking more control but that has yet to happen. I feel like I'm living with a teenager who I need to look after constantly, it would be nice to feel looked after sometimes too. I just feel like I am forgotten about when he's got his own money. I was sitting feeling quite down about it and I thought I should just call up a friend and go do something with them. But I didn't. But I didn't want to sit in the flat alone either. Yet I done nothing, it's a common thing with me and I need to get out of it. Yeah I won't be going on any trips any time soon haha, the reason the trip cost so much was because it was a last minute thing to watch the speedway grand prix and I got all the cheapest prices for hotels, tickets, travel etc that I could. I need to stop believing that spending money on things will make me happier. Thanks for the reply, it's helped to just speak to someone about it :)
  9. Hi guys I've dealt with anxiety all my life and as I get older it just gets worse and worse. All of the jobs I have had are lame ones where I don't really need to interact with people too much and I know the interview process will be easy. I know I am a clever person, I just finished my second year of university with a first. I see jobs I would love to do and I apply for them, but whenever I get a phonecall from a number I don't know I start shaking and feeling sick and don't answer the phone. The thought of sitting infront of someone while they quiz me on my abilities just absolutely terrifies me. I know I am smart and have great abilities in terms of what I study but I just can't get over my anxiety for the life of me. I have a self employed job at the moment at a small accounting practice (it's accountancy I am studying) and I know my stuff but when I'm there and someone asks me something I panic. I haven't been at work for a while because I hadn't really been enjoying it and because my depression is at an all time low. So I had been looking for a new job. I seen an advert for a job that I would be pretty perfect for but again I just can't answer the phone to a number I don't recognise. I just constantly doubt myself and my shyness doesn't help either. I have been on trazodone for 3 months, doctor said it would help with anxiety but all it's really been doing is helping my get to sleep, which is amaaaaazing. If anyone has a similar fear and has found a way to tackle it I would appreciate it so much if you could give me some advice! Thankyou :)
  10. Hi guys, Haven't been on here for a while cause I'd actually been doing not too bad. For the last few weeks I was able to relax now that uni had finished up for the year, I started going to the gym at least 3 times a week, stopped eating so much crap and me and my boyfriend had started a new business venture which had been keeping my mind off things. But today I just feel rubbish. Went to the gym, came home and just couldn't find the enthusiasm to do anything even though the sun is shining outside and I had just got my exam results back that I got two A's and B. It's also the day my boyfriend got paid. Sometimes I just feel I'm worth nothing to him unless he's got no money, and then he needs me. I was scrolling through facebook and reading everyones statuses about how their other halves are taking them out to celebrate passing their exams. It's the first thing I done when my boyfriend passed his exam, took him to dinner. But as soon as he gets money the first thing he has to do is go for a drink. He's not an alcoholic or a bay guy by any means but as soon as he has any money the first thing he buys is drink. I don't get a second thought. I'm always the one suggesting we do stuff together and I'm always the one thats got to make sure theres food in the house and petrol in the car and that the house is kept tidy and general chores are done. We took a last minute trip at the weekend which cost me £1,000. I felt I needed to get away from home and the stresses and enjoy myself. Thing is, I didn't enjoy myself as much as I'd hoped and now I'm just gutted I spent all that money and am now worrying about money. I'm FED UP being anxious, I'm FED UP being a complete and utter unsociable person, I'm FED UP being taken for granted, I'm FED UP with my life!!!!! Really just needed to put this into words because i was bottling it all up. Aaaaahhhhh
  11. Hey SunshineRayy! I have been following your blog here for the last few days so thought I'd drop you s line. I'm starting on prozac in a few weeks and I'm the same age as you so it has been interesting to read about your experience. I was on trazodone for 3 months then wanted to try citalopram (celexa) because the trazodone wasn't helping with the depression or anxiety, only the insomnia (which I did love). I was only on the citalopram for 2 days and had to come off it due to similar side effects to what your experiencing right now with the prozac. I just couldn't study for my exams feeling like that. The doc put me back on trazodone (woooo SLEEP!) for the time being and said to try prozac after my exams. Tbh I was going to just go back on the citalopram after the exams but hey ho maybe prozac won't be as nuts. It sucks your having such a hard time, probably the best idea not to deal with coming off the Klonopin just now because withdrawing from something gives you side effects such as anxiety, irritability and insomnia. I don't know how you dealt with it so long, I salute you lol. Try not to think about the weight thing too much, just try eat enough to keep you going, although perhaps eating more might help with energy levels etc? I did notice when I was on the citalopram the side effects were less when I had ate. But don't push yourself if it just causes you more anxiety, you don't need that right now. Once the prozac starts to work you will hopefully have a bigger appetite. Nothing worse than losing weight when you're not trying to, I lost over a stone during the christmas period because of my depression. Anyway I hope you are doing OK today and if you have any tips or advice for when I start the prozac I would be very grateful :) Heather xxx
  12. This was similar to what happened when I started taking citalopram, I stopped after 2 days lol. Just couldn't get any work done while on it. The side effects are meant to ease but maybe a different med will be better for you. I hope you find something that works for you :)
  13. Hi guys, I will be starting on fluoxetine (prozac) in a few weeks time and was just wondering if anyone could give advice on how to deal with the side effects. I was on trazodone for 3 months but decided to try something else as it was only helping with my sleep issues and not my depression or anxiety. I was put on citalopram starting at 10mg per day for a week and I was supposed to go up to 20mg after this. I did not get to this stage, however, as on the second day I couldn't deal with the side effects and study for my university exams at the same time. I couldn't sleep at night, couldn't concentrate, had no appetite, felt extremely awake and irritable but tired at the same time, my jaw was tight, my head was fuzzy etc. So my doc put me back on the trazodone until my exams are over with. I love trazodone for sleep!!! He said I should try fluoxetine once my exams are over. Anyway, I've been reading through this section of the forum and it seems like the side effects of fluoxetine are quite similar to that of citalopram. I hear that they are both very "activating" and "stimulating". See, I have a problem with things like that. I'm highly sensitive to caffeine, I actually had a panic attack after drinking a cup of coffee once lol. I was thinking of asking my doctor to prescribe something in the short term to help with these side effects and the sleep deprivation it causes. Ideally, I would like a short course of diazepam but I doubt if my doctor would prescribe this. The doctors in the UK are very tight when it comes to prescribing benzos and sleep aids. Anyway, if anyone can give me some tips on how they coped with the side effects of fluozetine I would be extremely grateful :)
  14. hahah yeah that must be VERY frustrating, as if being depressed isn't bad enough as it is! i'd imagine once the side effects start to ease you will be back to normal in that department. hang in there, let me know once your side effects start to ease! think i was just unlucky that i got the side effects so soon, never know i might have been fine by now if i'd kept at it but i didn't want to risk failing my exams because of it. ive been reading up about fluoxetines side effects and they seem quite similar to that of citalopram, the joys lol.
  15. I hope it's not as bad as citalopram (celexa)....my doc is putting me on prozac in a months time after experiencing bad side effects with citalopram, mainly they speeded me up wayyy too much!
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