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the struggle

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  1. ill speak from perspective. those people telling you to grow up and man up, well i was one of em. i changed when i lost my sister. before i didnt think depression or mental illness were illnesses. instead i thought it more of a state of being and sulking. you can't changed these peoples minds simply because they have not met/experienced this illness to the truest. instead they compare your problems with the problems they had in their own lives and since they have gotten over their dark hours they think you can and should be able to do the same and by not getting over this it seems like you want attention (even though it is nothing like that). that is why they think you need to "man up." Honestly they don't know any better. pain can't be compared. ps your therapist and doctors sound like straight up s***
  2. I lost my sister long ago Memories of her are but old And when she passed my heart broke turned frozen cold Happiness lost beneath the snow no peace to hold Buried I tried to reach for hope And when I did my hand came back old I became a stranger mind lost in its own Empty barren and alone Moans of pain washed down by bitter woes Dumbfounded to what ensues Lost I have no purpose, no pursuit And I’m confused, I don’t know what to do Because this grief, this pain it just consumes Till you’re separated from the world in a locked room You hope for change to come soon but it’s not safe to presume Cause things just don’t happen-no in this world you reap what you sow if I could go back I would just want you to know that I’m your bro and I’d be there for you no matter the beef that blood is thicker than water deeper than sea I’m sorry I couldn’t see couldn’t understand couldn’t think i was blinded by my reality now I pause and let the gravity of me decisions sink cause I turned my back on my sister because of a grudge if there is a god then she is chilling above I wish I could just give you a hug Cause I never did truth be told you raised me as a kid I just sit playing with what ifs But time doesn’t rewind and ain’t that a Biotch Mom and dad are broken bits just plain sick Selfish is what you did but selfish of me to point this finger I just let my thoughts simmer and these emotions linger I wish I could tell you I became bigger that with your death I became more but instead I feel I have not to live for But I know I am fortunate but I just can’t cope with this Cause hope is s*** and my pain just grows And no matter how much you learn you could never know cause don’t ever assume you know my pain cause yours is not the same cause pain can’t be compared and life it’s just not fair and my life I just don’t care spend my time looking out my window at the stars I stare Thinking about other worlds and other things I wait to hear my fat lady sing and here’s a lesson to be learned from suicide when you choose to take your own life and die you don’t die by yourself instead you take a piece of everyone’s soul that every cared and part of their life dies with you there
  3. off topic, but love your name...and for the king in the north i will try to give my best counsel (yes, im a bit of a nerd). I had this same problem when my sis. passed. I felt dissociated and distant when hanging out with friends. one thing i did was i tried to kind of fake it by smiling and being overly attentive. sometimes this helped me get over that feeling of isolation and help put me in a better mood, but the key is to try even though you feel differently.
  4. KEEP your DOG. HE IS YOUR FRIEND. Friends don't do that to each other. You said you have a good amount of money, so maybe buying another dog he could play with would be nice or finding a dog sitter or daycare..but throwing him out in the wind doesn't seem right. I'm a 100% positive you or the dog will not feel better if you give him away...if he had a voice he would yell no.
  5. One of the fundamental axioms held in our dominant western civilized culture has to do with the influence of “getting somewhere in life." but…. Arent I already something? and the answer is you are...so dont fail on yourself.
  6. sorry to read about your situation. coming from a guy...i think you should stop asking questions about the relationship at the moment. sounds like he is going through a rough patch and he just needs time to think to himself. you guys dont need an exact title for your relationship, why not just be. imo when you ask questions or make comments about the relationship it creates a tension whether good or bad for him it is just not needed and adds to the negativity. but i think he does care for you and i think he needs help whether he expresses it or not. i dont mean medication or therapy necessarily, but just the kind of help you get from a friend- advice maybe hope. but you have to understand you might not be the person for this. know that you can help but there is a limit to what you can do simply because of your relationship..i dont thnk you should give up on him, but also dont expect him to change. what i mean is hope for the best prepare for the worst.
  7. im trying to turn my situation around, but it is so hard. today is once again my first day of quitting smoking. i had no energy or motivation/drive, but i managed to clean out my room and get all my crap out of the remaining boxes from the move. I checked my email and was "ready" to get immersed back into the real world, but i just don;t know what to do. im not sure if i want to go back to school...my gpa is so low and i only have one more year then my degree is finished. im in a crossroad because i hate school and i want to just get my degree over with, but my responsible person is telling me that i need to fix my grades. i cant take another leave of absence as my school doesn't allow you to miss a full year and doesn't allow you to continue your degree if you drop out. im not sure what to do or even how to do it.. there is no way i can salvage my gpa in one year and even then it isn;t to my potential. i have no one to turn to really. the biggest thing is im not sure i have it in me to start school all over...it is situations like these that make me truly believe i don;t have a future in this world.
  8. Now that i read some more posts...My anhedonia at least the major part started after my sis. death. However, I do believe i had anhedonia before this although far less severe. It started in 8th grade so about 7 years ago. I was really really outgoing had tons of friends was a class clown, but in beg. of the 8th grade my teachers had a conference with me (this is like 1 week into school) and told me that they had heard of me and were friends with a lot of previous teachers i had in 7th grade (this wasn't all negative as they believed i could do so much more if i wasn't utilizing my potential on trying to be the center of attention). They then went on to say that i needed to behave better or face alternative methods. few weeks went by and they called another meetin adn in that meeting they told mei was on the top of their "naughty" list of students and that they had developed an experimental behavior program for students and that i was going to be the first person to use it...This was a huge blow to me because i had worked really hard on my behavior and was far more behaved than any of my previous years, but yet i was told i was still a troublemaker and apparently the top one...So once on the behavior plan i tottally shut down in school. I stopped answering questions in class, stopped participating, didn't make as many friends. in fact the friends i made all already knew about me so it didn't take much..after that i became an intervort, but still socialized however i think that is b/c of my close friends who kept me connected with everoneelse and lived like that until my sis. diead and then came the full blown anhedonia (if that is waht it is) where i stopped chilling with friends, quit boxing and mma, stopped writing raps and basically stopped liking everything else i liked. it got to the point where i didn't even want to smoke and i would just force myself b/c onced i smoked i could function. i started to notice this all when football season came and i didn't even care about my team...and im one of the biggest die hard fans there were so me not caring about football was a huge red flag for me. Since, i havne't been able to spark my intrest in anything...ive tried getting back into boxign and mma but just cant get over that hump. I dont do therapy and i dont take medication. I am oppose to both. but i have been coming arond the corner in regards to medication since i am out of options...
  9. i was wondering what was up with me..i didnt think i was depressed cause i didnt have that depressed feeling. apathy emotionlessness decreased sex drive and lack of caring about anything you hit me right on the dot. too many post to read in on sit so not sure what has or hasnt been mention so bear with me. I don't take medication....but when i smoke mary jane i feel a lot less apathetic and i feel like i can cope and it does make me want to do things (but only certain things and not anything i was already pretty adverse too.) but with that said...about this inabilty to expereince pleasure... i find that the pleasurable idea of smoking is ffar greater than the hit itself... atleast sometimes haha. but now that it is mention a lot of times i find myself excited about the idea of something only to be let down by the reality and action of that pleasure...recently it has gotten terribly bad. i only sleep 4-6 hours but i only eat one main meal in the day and it is a small portion. i am hungry but dont want to eat and this is when i am high as well and i loved food when im toked. i dont want to do anything. i dont answer any of my texts and calls and have ignored a many of acquintances that want to hang. I used to be really really empathetic...now when i see something that might of made me care or feel for someone i just dont care.
  10. Anon, you said it yourself that you feel like she is the own for you and it seems like you converse a good amount with this lady...you haven;t lost the oppertunity that is your inexpereince and pessimissm. truth is it isn't too late. Keep talking to her, regardless if you think you guys will go out or not, why not have a new companion for life at least? no need to force things. Also, girls like persitance so try to continue to go on a date or something where you guys can hangout in a differnt environment. No need to tottaly give up on this girl. and i tell you what thinking of her when u wake up and go to sleep is nice...it is nice to look foward to something..better than not.
  11. Today was my sisters birthday...It's been so hard. I know i had a sister, and it has only been a year, yet i have forgotten i had a sister long ago. I haven't forgot you, but i forgot you. I think back and its so crazy that you were alive. You have no idea how much your friends and family cared for you. I sit here knowing that you would have done so much more than I could ever do...and since i have only regressed. I literally pushed everyone i have known away and you know what im content with it. they are no friends to me. God sometimes i say to myself that if i jsut had one wish i would go back and try to make things right, but that wouldn't be fair to you, you lived through a lot of pain and i know it wouldn't be right to try to change what happened, but god im greedy i want to be normal and not this...I want to say you are somewhere up above looking down, but i just dont believe in s***s anymore. I want to snap out of this grief, so bad. Im no longer sulky instead ive been replaced with apathy and lack of concern for anything... Im so lost. It is like you to do this to me..just like it was like me to treat you with no respect. Im so sorry. so sorry. but im not sorry for myself. one reason i haven't been able to move one is knowing the fact that this is what is just and deserved-karma to speak. Rest in peace sis. you deserved better.
  12. I fight because my sis. took herself and that pain...I can't do that to my parents and family...a child should bury their parents not the other way around
  13. People care for you...it isn't easy to show it. My sis. took herself and I'm sure she never knew how much I cared for her, since we didn;t like eachother and had a terrible relationship. I wish i had a moment to let her know. One of the biggest things that eats me up inside is thinking how she left this world believng that no one cared for her. The three hardest things to say in life is im sorry, i love you, and help me. and im alone too...atleast we can be alone together...
  14. dont know if this will help but something that has really helped me along the way is the fact that i have stopped comparing myself to the people around me and in general anyone. I have come to terms that I am who i am and you are who you are. Learn to be content with that much at least. Because it is hard to comminucate with others when you don't feel good about yourself. and some ppl are just jerks nothing can be done about that, but what might help with your co-workers is just to engage with them in short bursts (i.e talking about a footbal game) what i mean by this is by not overextending your convo's to limit any feeling of annoyment and to make the time spent with you more refreshing and more welcoming. hope that made sense.
  15. Out of breathe finish line out of sight I wish I saw more but im blinded by the night Lacking fight am I here to quit? Possibly cause this might be it Cause I feel nothing I wish, I wish I had that something cause in this world im deranged a painted bird I’m so strange no one to relate my pain why is it I can’t escape the rain cause these black clouds always follow charged negative the thunder howls and the wind bites looking up at the stars at night I asked my light I asked with dear sincere I asked my fairy godmother for once to sit and hear As I made this last wish loud and clear Lack of fear I prayed and prayed I said please fairy godmother Please find me a way and when I open my eyes just to peak I saw that there was nothing before me How foolish how foolish that I believed Cause in this world its you or me And only you can make your dreams The greener green grass I don’t know where it is But I think that will be my life goal to live in it…
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