Char12

I started a new job 2 months ago. My previous one I had for 3 months and left because it wasn't right for me (I had no clue what I was doing and my manager was horrible). I really hit a low and I quit by handing a sick note in along with my resignation letter. During the time I was unemployed I came off my antidepressants as they weren't working and didn't switch onto my new ones, because I actually felt temporarily better. By the time I my depression did hit again, I was going to start my new job and didn't want to deal with any side effects.. I thought this new job may lift my mood too and felt hopeful about a fresh start. 
In this job I am constantly being criticized for mistakes I make even though I've not been told how to do certain things. It's to the point of nitpicking. My "supervisors" are around the same age as me, 22, and I think are constantly on at me and calling me to the office because they're training to for some management program. They're all friendly with each other too and I just don't fit it. For example I made a mistake on the till once and since then they all gather in a circle to check the figures after I've been on it which makes me feel stupid.
I'm now in the same position as my previous job, literally going through the motions to make it through the day. It doesn't help that this job is only part time on minimum wage so I can sometimes be out for 8 hours for a 4 hour shift because I travel, and an hour of that goes towards my train fare. The hours are awful too, tomorrow I'm going to finishing at 10 o clock at night and getting home for 11:30 although In my interview I was told the latest I'd finish was 8. This weekend was my first full weekend off for a month and I got a text on Saturday morning asking If i could come in the next day. I'm waking up on the nights before work constantly with an awful sinking feeling and when it's time to get up I'll be physically shaking with anxiety. This happened this morning and I rang up to let them know I wouldn't be in and my manager was angry asking if I really couldn't make it in as there was an event on today. I'm guessing they're understaffed because so many have left the past week.
My family are starting to think I'm just lazy and tell me "nobody likes there job, just put up with it" but I can't anymore. I feel guilty too that I've dragged myself in for 2 months feeling so down and missing weekends with family only to have today off anyway. I have been applying for other jobs and have an interview in 2 weeks.. I'm trying to hang onto this job until I get another but I just feel so done with everything. Should I start taking the prozac I was given but never took? I'd really appreciate some advice.

So I've just started a new job in retail and I've been trying my best to make a good impression. Today my shift was supposed to finish at 8, but bang on 8 o clock my manager came up to me and said I had to stay behind to sort out the hangers and security tags/pins/size cubes (literally putting them all in separate boxes, a very time consuming and trivial job). I was told by other managers that it was just something to do when it was quiet. Throughout the day I was told to tidy certain areas if the till was quiet, but the security tags etc were never mentioned so I left them. My manager walked past the till numerous times and didn't tell me I needed to do them until 8 o clock.
My dad was to be giving me a lift home as I live an hour away from my job. I told the manager I couldn't stay and was told I had to as it was my job to sort it out as I was on till last. I did a half arse job and left. I'm dreading going to work tomorrow now and feel like I might lose my job if i'm not flexible. My mums disappointed in me too, staying I should have stayed behind because I need this job.
I travel 2 hours to get to work and was ill last week and still dragged myself in. I'm trying to create a life for myself even when I feel like giving up and I feel like all the effort I put in is for nothing. 
Any helpful words would be appreciated.

So I quit my previous job around 3 months ago after being signed off with depression and anxiety. I was struggling due to a combination of reasons.. but primarily no training and a mean manager led to me making silly mistakes and hating my time there. 

I've been applying for jobs for around 3 months and I have had no replies. I decided to start handing my CV in shops and ringing up to ask the recruiters name to increase my chances. Both these things scare me to death but I just did it, looking very flustered and stuttering on my words, but it somehow got me an interview.

I'd really like this job but I'm already scared not only about the interview, but whether I'm going to make stupid mistakes, my colleagues aren't going to like me and think I'm weird and I'm just going to be awkward if I do get the job. I keep thinking about past experiences and it's making me think this outcome is almost inevitable. 

Does anybody have any motivation words to increase confidence? I hate feeling like this.

I spend the weekends with my boyfriend and the last couple have been pretty crappy due to arguing. I look forward to seeing him and he's one of the only things that make me happy. After talking things through we were fine and having a really nice weekend.
A big issue at the moment is that we're both living with his parents after coming out of uni and saving up to move out. I always go to his, so I see a lot of his parents. His mum still treats him like a child, is very controlling and seems to condescendingly talk about us to other family members whilst we're in the room like we're still teenagers whilst I bite my tongue. So today she burst into his room and said "Have you still not seen your mum today?!" because it's mothers day. I'd left a card and gift at home but we don't really celebrate anything but birthdays and I just didn't know what to say and due to my anxiety talking to people, what was really a trivial thing to say turned into me feeling like I'd been shouted at like a child and couldn't defend myself.
After a massive drop in my mood, I ended up telling my boyfriend and told him I was going to go home. He said he'd walk me home which upset me even more that he wasn't even that bothered about me staying, because he would probably just play on his videogames. He said he felt at fault and didn't know what he could do, and I was told him he wasn't to blame but I really just wanted to feel better and spend more time together instead of going home, I was just so irrational. I ended up walking home crying because we were having such a nice time and it'd been ruined and tonight we'd usually be spending time together and we're not- I'm just at home feeling awful. I was even pathetically waiting, hoping he'd turn around to catch me up and tell me to stay. 
I have no idea how something so small could have affected me like this. Now I want to be alone, yet want to be with him, and he feels at fault, and I don't want him to.. it's all just a massive mess of feelings. He text me after saying he loved me and all i could text back was that I was "so so sad". Now I feel guilty and pathetic because I don't want him to pity me. What is wrong with me? 
 
 

So after years of feeling depressed I went to my GP who prescribed Citalopram. I took this for around 6 months and i didn't feel it was helping me massively. The doctor actually wrote me a sick note for a month which led to me quitting my job which I just wasn't coping with, so I think any improvement in my mood was actually not having to worry about work anymore.
So we decided to switch to prozac. My GP told me to come off citalopram for over a week and then begin the prozac. When I came off the citalopram I decided to leave it for a while (a silly reason maybe, but this was due to the sexual dysfunction I experienced on it, resolving itself). I began to so much more motivated with crafts and baking. I began painting, something I'd never even been interested in but started to really enjoy! I decorated my bedroom. I felt overloaded with motivation, I couldn't decide what project I wanted to start next. 
Within the past week literally it was like I woke up a different person, and my bad days have turned into bad weeks again. I have no interest in painting, I don't even know why I enjoyed it in the first place. I don't want to bake, it reminds me of my weight gain from shoving my face with food over the past couple of years to comfort myself. Although I have no "sexual dysfunction" anymore, I have no connection with my boyfriend. I feel like a months worth of not worrying about work has hit me with full force too. I feel pathetic for not being in work. My computer is filled with cover letters for jobs which I have had no reply for. I spend so much time applying for jobs and pathetically feel sorry for myself that I've tried so hard through feeling bad and I'm just not getting anywhere. My boyfriends parents do not know I've left my job, as I can't bring myself to tell them, and they lecture me to not leave before I find another position. My grandparents are constantly asking if I've found anywhere which reminds me I haven't. I am very irritable and sensitive to what people say to me too, and it's affecting my relationships.
I have no idea why I started feeling better and why It's stopped but it feels very unfair and cruel. Should I start taking the prozac? I've even thought it may be my contraceptive pill to have such extreme mood swings. Who knows. I just really needed to vent.

Hi guys,
 
I've been trying to put her snide comments about my weight to the back of my mind and ignore her but today it's been too much and I've become really down again. I was offered my first graduate job today finally after months of rejections, and when telling my mum, the first thing out of her mouth was "aww great! now you need to lose some weight and get fit so you can fit back into your skirts!". I was so taken a back I just shook my head, obviously hurt.
 
She then said she was going to the shop and asked if I wanted any chocolate? And was shocked when I said no. Truth is I don't feel like eating anything anymore after her constant digs. She is completely oblivious to how I'm hurt by her comments because in her eyes, they're true. I've gone to my room because I'm hurt and don't feel like talking and now she's now pestering me to go shopping tonight for some bigger clothes for my new job. A day which should have been happy has been so dampened.
 
Any kind words please, I'm feeling pretty awful at the moment

So I'm 5,3 and around 132lbs. I'm aware this is quite heavy for my size but it's still within normal bmi. I'm in my final year of uni and for the past year I've been eating more unhealthy, mainly due to stress. I'm aware I have put weight on but it wasn't a major deal for me. I was planning on starting to be healthier anyway after uni.
The past couple of months my mum has made indirect comments about me getting back down to a size 8 (I'm now a size 10 in some shops) and saying I can try and lose weight for my graduation. I'd said probably once or twice that I was going to try and lose weight and since then she's been relentless with it, trying to make out like it was all my idea to start with anyway. I brushed it off until the other day when she sat me down and told me ive put weight on and needed to lose it where I just burst out crying. I got the train straight away to my flat where she rang me a couple of times asking if I was okay. I couldn't stop crying the rest of the night and told her I was going to lose weight on my own and she needed to stop. It's been awkward between us since but getting better, until the other night when she randomly told me she had found a diet for me but had to start eating fish (I'm a vegetarian) and its just made me want to distance myself from her again.
Because I can't lose weight overnight I now feel disgusted with my body and its made me feel depressed after eating anything. It's a vicious cycle of hating myself, eating and then hating myself more. The thought of her telling me I look good after I lose the weight annoys me too, like if it wasn't for her I'd still be fat. It's like conditional love. Does anybody have any advice on how to not feel awful until I lose the weight? Thanks

I could have wrote this myself. I've just graduated, and like you, I just felt a sense of relief that I didn't let my parents rather than feeling proud of myself. I'm now looking for a job and getting nowhere, so don't put your volunteer work down, it'll help you out massively in the future and you should feel good about volunteering in general. Maybe give some up if it's getting too much.
 
Like you, I was being treated badly by friends so I gave them up. I don't understand why people don't take to me either when I feel I have so much to offer. I just want you to know you're not alone. Keep on plodding on, life changes when you least expect it. I'm hoping things start looking up for you soon xx

I have been very productive this year, and yet I still don't feel any happier. I did extremely well in my studies last semester, and when I found out my results, I felt more of a sense of relief rather than being happy or proud of myself. I felt like I had only achieved what was expected of me. Because I've been focusing on my studies and extra-curricular activities so much, my health has just gone downhill. I'm getting fatter each day and feel disgusted when I look at myself in the mirror.
 
I do a lot of volunteer work for clubs that I don't get paid for. It takes up a lot of my time, but I can't just drop anything right now, because if I do I'll be treated like a pariah. I couldn't face the world every day with everyone I know hating me and thinking I'm pathetic. It doesn't help that a lot of the people I work with are incompetent and lazy. They only took up volunteer positions because it looks good on their resumes; they don't actually want to do any of the work involved, so the real work is left to people like me.
 
I just feel so much pressure coming from everywhere. No matter what I do, I feel like all people really give me is scorn and ridicule. The other night I went out, and someone who I considered to be a good friend just put me down constantly and went out of his way to humiliate me and make me feel awkward. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but people always end up treating me like this. No matter how hard I work or how much effort I put into my personal relationships, I just end up being treated like I'm subhuman. I don't know how to act or what to do anymore. When things like this happen to me, it makes sense to me why I don't get pleasure out of anything no matter what I do, but I don't know what to change when I can't even see what I'm doing wrong.
 
Is the key to happiness to just be a horrible person that uses and controls other people? To tell lies, manipulate others and get everyone else to do your dirty work? When I look around me, it's these kind of people that seem to be the happiest. They are also the ones that other people seem to respect and find attractive.

I could have wrote this myself. I've just graduated, and like you, I just felt a sense of relief that I didn't let my parents rather than feeling proud of myself. I'm now looking for a job and getting nowhere, so don't put your volunteer work down, it'll help you out massively in the future and you should feel good about volunteering in general. Maybe give some up if it's getting too much.
 
Like you, I was being treated badly by friends so I gave them up. I don't understand why people don't take to me either when I feel I have so much to offer. I just want you to know you're not alone. Keep on plodding on, life changes when you least expect it. I'm hoping things start looking up for you soon xx

I'd just like to thank everybody who have left such supportive messages. It's made me feel like I'm not going completely crazy and helped me see a little bit clearer.

I'd just like to thank everybody who have left such supportive messages. It's made me feel like I'm not going completely crazy and helped me see a little bit clearer.

I'd just like to thank everybody who have left such supportive messages. It's made me feel like I'm not going completely crazy and helped me see a little bit clearer.

I'd just like to thank everybody who have left such supportive messages. It's made me feel like I'm not going completely crazy and helped me see a little bit clearer.

Im really sorry to have to say it but that is ridiculous.  It is a whole ten pounds away from being overweight (and on a small person) and is exactly the type of weight that is considered to be ideal health wise. And 25 for some can be "normal" depending on muscle and bone weight.   I had an eating disorder for 30 odd years and like others in that situation I am used to drs and dietitians telling me what for when it comes to health and weight. Often much to my disgust.  18.5 to 20 is not considered OK for European bodies and is underweight. It is meant for the Asian world who have smaller body types. If you have an ed then they usually wont let you be that weight. 
 
Actually this shouldn't be about a dissecting and obsessing about pounds and should be about Char12's feelings  (almost all this thread has been about is pounds) and yet I have to say I am shocked by peoples reactions on here to a weight that is medically recommended. The world is a mad place. No wonder there ends up being so many with eating disorders and that includes binge eating disorder. 
 
Char is a human being and no matter what weight she is she will still be a human being. The fact that she is in fact a recommended weight is just an extra annoyance when it comes to this discussion. For me. 

So I'm 5,3 and around 132lbs. I'm aware this is quite heavy for my size but it's still within normal bmi. I'm in my final year of uni and for the past year I've been eating more unhealthy, mainly due to stress. I'm aware I have put weight on but it wasn't a major deal for me. I was planning on starting to be healthier anyway after uni.
The past couple of months my mum has made indirect comments about me getting back down to a size 8 (I'm now a size 10 in some shops) and saying I can try and lose weight for my graduation. I'd said probably once or twice that I was going to try and lose weight and since then she's been relentless with it, trying to make out like it was all my idea to start with anyway. I brushed it off until the other day when she sat me down and told me ive put weight on and needed to lose it where I just burst out crying. I got the train straight away to my flat where she rang me a couple of times asking if I was okay. I couldn't stop crying the rest of the night and told her I was going to lose weight on my own and she needed to stop. It's been awkward between us since but getting better, until the other night when she randomly told me she had found a diet for me but had to start eating fish (I'm a vegetarian) and its just made me want to distance myself from her again.
Because I can't lose weight overnight I now feel disgusted with my body and its made me feel depressed after eating anything. It's a vicious cycle of hating myself, eating and then hating myself more. The thought of her telling me I look good after I lose the weight annoys me too, like if it wasn't for her I'd still be fat. It's like conditional love. Does anybody have any advice on how to not feel awful until I lose the weight? Thanks

So I'm 5,3 and around 132lbs. I'm aware this is quite heavy for my size but it's still within normal bmi. I'm in my final year of uni and for the past year I've been eating more unhealthy, mainly due to stress. I'm aware I have put weight on but it wasn't a major deal for me. I was planning on starting to be healthier anyway after uni.
The past couple of months my mum has made indirect comments about me getting back down to a size 8 (I'm now a size 10 in some shops) and saying I can try and lose weight for my graduation. I'd said probably once or twice that I was going to try and lose weight and since then she's been relentless with it, trying to make out like it was all my idea to start with anyway. I brushed it off until the other day when she sat me down and told me ive put weight on and needed to lose it where I just burst out crying. I got the train straight away to my flat where she rang me a couple of times asking if I was okay. I couldn't stop crying the rest of the night and told her I was going to lose weight on my own and she needed to stop. It's been awkward between us since but getting better, until the other night when she randomly told me she had found a diet for me but had to start eating fish (I'm a vegetarian) and its just made me want to distance myself from her again.
Because I can't lose weight overnight I now feel disgusted with my body and its made me feel depressed after eating anything. It's a vicious cycle of hating myself, eating and then hating myself more. The thought of her telling me I look good after I lose the weight annoys me too, like if it wasn't for her I'd still be fat. It's like conditional love. Does anybody have any advice on how to not feel awful until I lose the weight? Thanks

So I'm 5,3 and around 132lbs. I'm aware this is quite heavy for my size but it's still within normal bmi. I'm in my final year of uni and for the past year I've been eating more unhealthy, mainly due to stress. I'm aware I have put weight on but it wasn't a major deal for me. I was planning on starting to be healthier anyway after uni.
The past couple of months my mum has made indirect comments about me getting back down to a size 8 (I'm now a size 10 in some shops) and saying I can try and lose weight for my graduation. I'd said probably once or twice that I was going to try and lose weight and since then she's been relentless with it, trying to make out like it was all my idea to start with anyway. I brushed it off until the other day when she sat me down and told me ive put weight on and needed to lose it where I just burst out crying. I got the train straight away to my flat where she rang me a couple of times asking if I was okay. I couldn't stop crying the rest of the night and told her I was going to lose weight on my own and she needed to stop. It's been awkward between us since but getting better, until the other night when she randomly told me she had found a diet for me but had to start eating fish (I'm a vegetarian) and its just made me want to distance myself from her again.
Because I can't lose weight overnight I now feel disgusted with my body and its made me feel depressed after eating anything. It's a vicious cycle of hating myself, eating and then hating myself more. The thought of her telling me I look good after I lose the weight annoys me too, like if it wasn't for her I'd still be fat. It's like conditional love. Does anybody have any advice on how to not feel awful until I lose the weight? Thanks

Hi.
 
How do you feel?  Are you healthy?  Able to do the things you want and need to do in your life?
 
If your weight isn't causing you problems, then keep on keeping on.  You'll only miss out on life trying to meet some arbitrary standard of thinness and/or beauty, and drive yourself crazy until you get there, only to find you're the same person who's just a few pounds lighter.
 
I'm a firm believer in our being fit.  Able to do what we want and need to do in life.  Maybe that's not a ton physically.  Maybe that's walking, swimming, biking, hiking.  If you're eating stuff that won't clog your arteries or contribute to diabetes or other illnesses in later life, then please experience each day and forget this obsession that your mother has caused in your life.  And if you truly want to lose weight to feel better about yourself, you can do that, too.  Make sure that your output - exercise, lifestyle - exceeds your intake.  No harm there.
 
And tell your mother that you know how to live your life, but thanks for the input!
 
Food is fuel for your body.  Not your friend or therapist or punisher.
 
All my best, my friend - take care!

So I'm 5,3 and around 132lbs. I'm aware this is quite heavy for my size but it's still within normal bmi. I'm in my final year of uni and for the past year I've been eating more unhealthy, mainly due to stress. I'm aware I have put weight on but it wasn't a major deal for me. I was planning on starting to be healthier anyway after uni.
The past couple of months my mum has made indirect comments about me getting back down to a size 8 (I'm now a size 10 in some shops) and saying I can try and lose weight for my graduation. I'd said probably once or twice that I was going to try and lose weight and since then she's been relentless with it, trying to make out like it was all my idea to start with anyway. I brushed it off until the other day when she sat me down and told me ive put weight on and needed to lose it where I just burst out crying. I got the train straight away to my flat where she rang me a couple of times asking if I was okay. I couldn't stop crying the rest of the night and told her I was going to lose weight on my own and she needed to stop. It's been awkward between us since but getting better, until the other night when she randomly told me she had found a diet for me but had to start eating fish (I'm a vegetarian) and its just made me want to distance myself from her again.
Because I can't lose weight overnight I now feel disgusted with my body and its made me feel depressed after eating anything. It's a vicious cycle of hating myself, eating and then hating myself more. The thought of her telling me I look good after I lose the weight annoys me too, like if it wasn't for her I'd still be fat. It's like conditional love. Does anybody have any advice on how to not feel awful until I lose the weight? Thanks

Hey hun.
I used to be terrified of being alone too until I spent large periods of time in near isolation. Spending time alone forced me become more in tune with myself and understand myself better. Believe me, I used to despise myself but realised someone who could feel such hate is capable of feeling equally strong love. So I turned my pain around and used it to help me.
As long as you don't fall into a negative or anxiety driven mind trap, you can actually slowly learn to like yourself and realise you're not that bad of a person after all. How can you expect to be happy with friends who don't even treat you like an equal human being? That thought of "at least I'm not alone" might linger even when you're with other people and that might prevent you from properly enjoying yourself even when in others company. Depression is basically caused when we can't be our authentic selves over a long period of time.
Do you ever feel alone when around other people? Even slightly? We accept the love we think we deserve so as long as you have this mindset you might develop poor quality relationships with people in the future, as these people might sense that you will take anyone as a friend just not to feel alone so you will take them, even though they will make no effort or be a bad friend. (As you said you always have to call your friends first.) It will be a vicious cycle so when you move to your new place alone with no friends, instead of self combusting and fearing being alone, take the time to learn to love yourself a little more. Develop hobbies, volunteer somewhere, alone. Have trust and faith that you can do this yourself. Your self esteem will rise when you realise you are a worthwhile individual and can be important. Only when you love yourself more will you attract friends that are actually worth being around not to feel alone.
Hope things work out for you. Sorry if this message was all over the place.
Ella

Everybody I meet seems to treat me badly. They'll be nice at first and gradually start hurting me. My friends of 8 years starting treating me badly within the last year and did something majorly hurtful which caused me to cut them out of my life. My ex boyfriend also turned out to be emotionally abusive. I don't know if it's certain personality traits in these people that attract me to them, because I began talking to my ex boyfriend off looks alone. My new flatmate who I was assigned a flat with always bullies me sometimes, referring to me as an "easy target". It's like I'm very unlucky with the people who come into my life and I try to become friends with.

I'm aware I'm the common problem in my relationships but i don't know why people treat me so cruelly. I've been described as "sensitive" and told "you don't judge people like we do". I never talk behind peoples backs and always go out of my way for people. It even hurts me when people say horrible things about people on twitter, even when i don't even know the other person. I feel like looking from an outsiders view I may get treated like this because i'm seen as a doormat or somebody easy to take advantage of or something. I'll try making plans or conversations with old friends but they always seem forced and they rarely come out with me. I don't like to push it either incase I come off as very needy, which is something I'd hate to be perceived as.

I don't know what to do. At the moment i'm just trying to stay positive alone, but after a while it really takes it's toll on me and i miss having friends. I even miss the good times i had with my old friends and ex boyfriend and sometimes want them back, even if they did treat me badly. They all have great lives with lots of friends, plans and partners and i almost feel like I don't deserve any of that for some reason because nothing seems to go right for me. I'm a bit put off meeting new people incase they turn out to not like me and hurt me too. There must be some reason everybody hurts me after all.. i'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.

Please help.. what can i do to turn this around.. I have no social life. I pretty much live in the past and am constantly depressed because i have nothing else to keep me occupied. I don't really have many hobbies or am good at any sports. My self esteem has also plummeted because all my relationships have ended and i feel like i am not worthy of having them and i feel pathetic not being able to keep any whilst the people who were horrible to me are thriving in life. What is wrong with me and why am i so unlucky in relationship?!

I'd say ignore him and move on. You have more power in doing that.
If he's a guy who enjoys playing around with women's emotions, he'll definitely be the kind of guy who'd LOVE to get a reaction out of you.
Don't even give him the pleasure of knowing he upset you. Yes - it'll hurt like a B for a while, but HE doesn't have to know that. Seek refuge here and with anyone else you know to be a true friend as much as it takes until you get past the point where you're overwhelmingly tempted to contact him again. Anything to stop this jerk from being able to see how much he hurt you! We welcome you here!!!
...I'm also a little worried about your health now.
I hope you all used protection, since it sounds like this guy plays around.
If you didn't - please - for your own safety - get yourself checked out by a doc, ok?
Please stay strong! We're here for you in the aftermath. :)

That's YOUR experience - although lack of sex drive is often a symptom of depression it doesn't mean that if someone has sex then their depression can't be serious. We're all different, experience different symptoms and deal with the bad feelings in different ways - it's not a competition and i think it's unfair to judge.
Char, how did it go today?

I wrote a post on here a few weeks ago about the guy I'm seeing. I suspected he was a player, a lot of people on here did too. I didn't do anything sexually with him because of this. I've been going through a rough patch of loneliness lately and however bad I felt, I was glad Id kept my dignity and not had sex with him.
He started acting more interested in me which made me question whether he really did want more than sex. Long story short, we had sex. I didn't do it expecting a relationship.. Just gave in I suppose. Now I have to see pictures of him on nights out with pretty girl's and wonder if he likes/ is sleeping with them too etc. It's my fault for having sex outside of a relationship though. I'm way more invested in him than he is me and just keep feeling hurt wondering what he's up to with other women.
I'm seeing him again today for the first time. Do I ask him if he sees things going anywhere and drop him if he isn't? I'm worried this will put him off regardless because we've not been dating for that long. I feel stupid even kind of breaking it off when we aren't together. How should I proceed? Also, how do I Cope with the regret?