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Char12

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  1. My ex of 3 years left me less than 24 hours of putting a deposit down on a flat together. He brought up the idea and it had been in the pipelines for over a year until we were financially ready. We went to view the flat a week before and he even pushed me to go home so we could put a deposit down however I told him we should wait for the floor plans. I end up ringing him up excitedly after everything's confirmed to which he seemed pleased about. After that he basically disappeared from contacting me. I knew he was seeing friends so left him to it until the following night I was supposed to be seeing him. I rang him twice then his phone was off. It was so out of character I rang his dad to make sure he'd made it home- turned out he was out getting drunk with a friend ( he doesn't even drink usually). When I do see him I'm angry and upset already and he cockily says he doesn't even know if he wants to be in a relationship anymore. I asked for my stuff and the deposit money back the following day and he transferred all the money and told me my stuff was in a bag in the shed to pick up. I pretty much demanded he came to see me to explain. In short, the only real answer I got was 'I love you so much and care about you, I just don't know what I want' through hysterical crying. When I said he didn't want to be with me, he said 'I don't NOT want to be with you' and when I told him I'd make the decision then and he could go he'd say 'why can't I get out of the car'. He even told me he'd call me later as I left and said he 'might not even be here in a week'. Talk about confusing. Due to his behaviour I offered to make a doctors appointment, give him space etc but he didn't want anything. I was feeling emotionally devastated and ended up being the one to comfort him. I'm 99% sure it was not a real suicide threat and I know he's okay due to bumping into his dad. However there's that 1% of the time where I panic and hate myself for not telling somebody and want to call him ( which would ruin me). Its been 2 months no contact which has taken all my strength. I think I'm shell shocked and numb by it all. When the sadness does hit though it hits hard. I hate him for what he's done but I also miss him terribly as my best friend. It gets particularly hard when I'm depressed and lonely to not run to him. If I wasn't feeling depressed enough my only friend posted on Twitter 'so cute where I am now compared to a year ago' referring to a tweet saying 'I just want my own place!' Now she's happily in love and moved in with her partner. All my dreams have crumbled and I have nobody now.
  2. After finishing Uni I got my first full time job. I believe I have been depressed since I was 16 (now 22) but only started trying to help myself after this job really got me down. I was prescribed citralopram which had no effect apart from making me foggy and sexual dysfunction, which made me feel even worse. I ended up getting a sick note and leaving that position. The doctor also prescribed me prozac instead. After stopping the citalopram I had a week where I felt the best I have in years, I have no idea why. I convinced myself that I could deal without antidepressants and I might feel better after starting a new job. During the months before getting my current job I declined into depression again. I still didn't take the prozac, because I didn't want the sexual side effects which I read prozac is notorious for, still thought my new job may break me out of it and just didn't really want to feel worse. This was especially true when I started my job as I have found it increasingly more difficult to drag myself in and though there would be no chance if I was on medication. I have only been at this job 2 months and alongside depression, the short shifts, low pay, long commute, working at all times and the bad management have tipped me over the edge. It is only a part time retail job which I accepted as the only offer I received and thinking it would give me something to focus on, but it's been more stress than it's worth. I have been looking for another job so I wasn't just leaving but I can't do it anymore. I even have an interview for better job next week but I'm scared me suddenly quitting this job is going to ruin that for me. If not that, I'm scared my depression ruin it again. Now I've not been able to make it in for 3 days in the past week. I've rang up work telling them I have a doctors appointment today and would send them a sick note. They told me to ring them after my appointment with an update. I couldn't even make it to the doctors this morning and stayed in bed with anxiety where I do nothing but shake and have a massive sense of dread. I couldn't think of anything to do apart from arrange a phone consultation (which I still haven't had). I feel like I'm going to be seen as too lazy to make it to an appointment but more so, just stupid for not taking the prozac and being in the same situation. Please can I have any advice on ths situation please? I feel so lost.
  3. I started a new job 2 months ago. My previous one I had for 3 months and left because it wasn't right for me (I had no clue what I was doing and my manager was horrible). I really hit a low and I quit by handing a sick note in along with my resignation letter. During the time I was unemployed I came off my antidepressants as they weren't working and didn't switch onto my new ones, because I actually felt temporarily better. By the time I my depression did hit again, I was going to start my new job and didn't want to deal with any side effects.. I thought this new job may lift my mood too and felt hopeful about a fresh start. In this job I am constantly being criticized for mistakes I make even though I've not been told how to do certain things. It's to the point of nitpicking. My "supervisors" are around the same age as me, 22, and I think are constantly on at me and calling me to the office because they're training to for some management program. They're all friendly with each other too and I just don't fit it. For example I made a mistake on the till once and since then they all gather in a circle to check the figures after I've been on it which makes me feel stupid. I'm now in the same position as my previous job, literally going through the motions to make it through the day. It doesn't help that this job is only part time on minimum wage so I can sometimes be out for 8 hours for a 4 hour shift because I travel, and an hour of that goes towards my train fare. The hours are awful too, tomorrow I'm going to finishing at 10 o clock at night and getting home for 11:30 although In my interview I was told the latest I'd finish was 8. This weekend was my first full weekend off for a month and I got a text on Saturday morning asking If i could come in the next day. I'm waking up on the nights before work constantly with an awful sinking feeling and when it's time to get up I'll be physically shaking with anxiety. This happened this morning and I rang up to let them know I wouldn't be in and my manager was angry asking if I really couldn't make it in as there was an event on today. I'm guessing they're understaffed because so many have left the past week. My family are starting to think I'm just lazy and tell me "nobody likes there job, just put up with it" but I can't anymore. I feel guilty too that I've dragged myself in for 2 months feeling so down and missing weekends with family only to have today off anyway. I have been applying for other jobs and have an interview in 2 weeks.. I'm trying to hang onto this job until I get another but I just feel so done with everything. Should I start taking the prozac I was given but never took? I'd really appreciate some advice.
  4. So in my previous job I was constantly making stupid mistakes and didn't feel like I'd gotten sufficient training. My boss was also mean to me sometimes, saying things like "it's not hard is it?" sarcastically when I figured something out and giving me looks like I was stupid. This was my first full-time position after Uni and I have never been so depressed. I was basically on autopilot throughout the day, to be miserable for a couple of hours before bed and then repeat. I wasn't sleeping well and would wake up in the night shaking from crippling anxiety. I eventually went to the doctors again and was signed off with depression/anxiety. During the three months I was at this job I was taking medication. I had a month off before I started looking for another job. My medication hadn't worked and I'd stopped taking it. I thought it'd be different if I got a job I liked and that I might meet some new people, have a routine and just be a lot happier. The only job I got an offer from out of hundreds of applications over about 4 months was a retail job. I was excited to start. Although it is only part time and takes 2 hours to get there, I've been planning on getting a flat in the city centre after my probation period, so figured this would only be temporary. It didn't turn out like I'd planned. I've been there 2 months now and I'm still making stupid mistakes, I am awkward around my colleagues although I try and be friendly and I am often getting pulled up about things. I work with mainly girls, a lot of which are training to be supervisors and I feel like they all think I'm stupid and won't hesitate to pull me up on anything. They're all chatty with each other and I'm quite shy. The other night, because I travel to get home, my dad had come to give me a lift home because it was late. I was told I hadn't completed some jobs behind the till (although I had no idea I had to compete them until the minute I was about to leave) and had to stay behind. I told her I couldn't as my dad was waiting and was told I had to. The rest of the girls live in the city centre so will chat and won't mind leaving 5 minutes late but that means missing my train and having to wait another hour or making my dad who also works long hours wait. I tried to just leave when my shift was over the other day and got told I have to ask permission to leave every time. The other day I also made a stupid mistake, selling 2 right shoes to a customer and not checking them which I got shouted at for. I presumed they were a pair because there is only usually one on display and you have to ask for the other one and they were flip flops with flowers all over the front, so it wasn't obvious. Turns out the customer just grabbed 2 of the display shoes. I was shouted at and told that different shoes are different shapes, and I felt so stupid. I do other stupid things as well like not being able to find where clothes go in the store. Yesterday a colleagues told me to put some bags on a rail and I had to ask 3 times because I just couldn't see this rail. I feel like it's not the jobs what are the problem but that I'm so embarrassingly stupid. The mistakes I make are so obvious after I've made them but I just can't see it at the time. I feel like I have no common sense and every job I have will be the same and I'll never fit in anywhere. I worked hard for my degree too and feel upset to be in this position after uni. I just have 0 confidence left. I think it's all a bit harder to swallow too as I have no friends and I always start off optimistic about new opportunities and it just never seems to work out for me. I wish I knew why I was so unlikable to people as I feel I have a lot to give. I'm starting to feel the same as I did with the other job, and waking up panicked in the middle of the night and dreading going to work. It doesn't help that It takes so long to get to work and half my money is spent on train fare. I also have to work quite late and if i'm made to stay behind, can miss my train and have to wait another hour. My 4 hour work day can mean 4 hours travelling/ waiting around sometimes for minimum wage. I know i should be thankful I have a job but I'm really struggling to get through the days. Please help.
  5. So I've just started a new job in retail and I've been trying my best to make a good impression. Today my shift was supposed to finish at 8, but bang on 8 o clock my manager came up to me and said I had to stay behind to sort out the hangers and security tags/pins/size cubes (literally putting them all in separate boxes, a very time consuming and trivial job). I was told by other managers that it was just something to do when it was quiet. Throughout the day I was told to tidy certain areas if the till was quiet, but the security tags etc were never mentioned so I left them. My manager walked past the till numerous times and didn't tell me I needed to do them until 8 o clock. My dad was to be giving me a lift home as I live an hour away from my job. I told the manager I couldn't stay and was told I had to as it was my job to sort it out as I was on till last. I did a half arse job and left. I'm dreading going to work tomorrow now and feel like I might lose my job if i'm not flexible. My mums disappointed in me too, staying I should have stayed behind because I need this job. I travel 2 hours to get to work and was ill last week and still dragged myself in. I'm trying to create a life for myself even when I feel like giving up and I feel like all the effort I put in is for nothing. Any helpful words would be appreciated.
  6. It was during my last job that I found myself making silly mistakes, feeling basically zoned out and very down so was prescribed citrolopram. It didn't help after 3 months so the doctor gave me a sick note for a month. I quit my job and was given prozac instead as my doctor and I decided we'd try and find a good fit in the time I was out of work so I didn't have to deal with any side effects whilst working. I was told to give it a week before starting the prozac in which half way through the week I was feeling better than I had in years. I decorated my room, started painting and reading.. it was like I was making up for lost time almost. So I didn't start taking the prozac. Over time my mood has gradually got worse again. I managed to find a new job and I feel like I'm in exactly the same situation as before. On my worst days though I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. Yesterday I walked half way to work in slippers.. after seeing the funny side of this I'm worried due to it being alongside other things. At my job in retail I make stupid mistakes like counting change wrong or being confused about refunds (common sense stuff). I carry an ipad around with me and a coworker asked if they could borrow it yesterday, I remember giving it her and an hour later I had it again. I have no recollection of being given it back. I also have to put clothes out on the rails and have 0 memory to where things go and can't pick things out. Yesterday a coworker mocked me for walking past a piece of clothing I had in my hand 4 times and said "you know it's true". It's made me really upset me and made me not want to go to work out of fear of the next embarrassment.. It just reaffirms the idea that I'm stupid and the looks my co workers give me after making these mistakes suggest they share the same view. I'm a healthy 22 year old with a degree and I have never been ditzy like I am now. I feel like I have no control over my mind anymore. I've debated whether to start the prozac now but don't want to deal with any side effects whilst at work or chance I'll get more depressed. Please any kind words or advice would be so appreciated.
  7. After graduating I got a full time job in the city centre as my boyfriend works there and we were planning on moving in together. I was bullied by my manager and hated the job and ended up getting a sick note off my doctor for a month, so after 3 months In that job I left. Since then I looked for another job relentlessly and got 1 offer after 6 months for a retail job working in a clothes shop, but it is only 16 hours a week. I took it, thinking at least I'd gain some skills and actually be doing something but it seems to have backfired. It isn't enough hours to be able to afford to move in with my boyfriend, so at the moment I'm walking for 2 miles almost every day to the train station and travelling an hour on the train for 4 hours worth of minimum wage. My hours are spread out over the week too and an hour of my wage goes towards train fair and a 4 hour shift is really a 7 hour day for me including travelling. Due to such short shifts I'm working almost every day too. I would have no problems with this if it was only short term whilst I finished my probation and could get a flat in the city. I was thinking that maybe I could get another part time job or really budget but now it just seems unrealistic. I feel like I've put myself in a crappy, ridiculous situation AGAIN where I'm putting in a lot of effort for not a lot of pay off. I've spoken to my mum about it but because this is the second job which is going downhill, she thinks I've just got cold feet and tells me loads of people have to travel to get to work and I should have gotten a full time job instead then. I applied for literally hundreds of full time jobs (including ones closer to home) and this was my only offer so I kind of felt I had to take this job. Now If i look for another full time job it may take me a while plus i'd have to go through another 3 months probation and I just want to get out of my parents home and start my life. This may seem trivial but it gets me down that I put in so much effort and there always seems to be a catch. Any advice would be appreciated.
  8. The school is just too lenient and doesn't discipline properly so the kids are disrespectful towards staff. My mum is a cleaner there and I think the kids see her as not as important as teachers. She has mentioned it to the headteacher but as I say, not a lots done and it makes me feel awful to see her coming home upset. My boyfriends parents are pretty blunt and I feel will look down on me if they knew I quit my job. They know I didn't/don't like it there and are always telling me to make sure I have another job before I quit that one.. I feel like they'll think i'm irresponsible because I just left. My boyfriends parents aren't like that, they're even pushing him to move out and I'm not that close to them. Just different cultures I guess.
  9. So I'm 22 and graduated around 10 months ago now. Since then I've moved back home and everything's been building up. I'll bullet point all the main causes of my depression. I had a job for around 3 months which I hated and quit after the doctor signed me off for a month. Since then I have been searching for a better job to no avail. I'm applying for everything- including entry level jobs and graduate positions and I'm getting nowhere. My resume has been looked over by my uni's career team and I tailor my cover letter for each position. In around 3 months I've had 1 reply/interview. My parents are struggling money wise. They have credit cards that need paying off and my mum got another job whereas my dad uses the money for alcohol. My parents both hate their jobs, my dad's boss is bullying him and my mum gets bullied off the teenagers as she works in a school because she walks with a limp. My mum vents to me about it and I feel overwhelmingly guilty for them both. I stay at my boyfriends a lot which gives me some relief, however he lives with his parents and I'm starting to feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. We lived together for 2 years at university and it's strange to just be seeing him at weekends again. Now I feel like I shouldn't be staying the night but due to me being jobless, there's not a lot we can do away from the house without spending money except go for walks, which is a no-go if there's bad weather and I don't want him to be paying for us both all the time. I feel like not having a job and being able to move out is stifling our relationship. I'm scared he'll stop being so patient with me and move on. I'm also lying to his parents about still having a job because I know they would think badly of me if they knew I quit. I struggle speaking to them in general due to anxiety but these stupid lies make it even worse. I have no friends after moving back home. I had one at Uni who lives on the other side of the country and she's moving on with her life. I see people on facebook who have great jobs and loving friends and it breaks my heart. I feel I have a lot to offer a friend but not getting out to meet anybody alongside my social awkwardness seems to make it impossible. There's no clubs or societies in my area and the ones in the city would mean a train. I have no money even for a train ticket. I'm on my last £20 I'm saving to get to job interviews. I have been to the doctors who prescribed me citrolopram whilst still in my old job. I took it for 4 months and didn't feel like it was helping. I was given prozac instead and in my week break before switching I felt great, and didn't even begin taking the prozac. This lasted about a month and the depression has slowly started creeping on again. My usual day is looking for jobs all day, sometimes reading, a painted for a bit during my good spell and I've been taking my dog for long walks lately to try and get out and get some exercise as I've gained a lot of weight (something else that's affected me massively). It takes massive effort for me to continue job searching and going for walks considering my lack of motivation and I feel like I'm trying so hard and achieving nothing. I really am giving up any hope that things will get better.
  10. So I quit my previous job around 3 months ago after being signed off with depression and anxiety. I was struggling due to a combination of reasons.. but primarily no training and a mean manager led to me making silly mistakes and hating my time there. I've been applying for jobs for around 3 months and I have had no replies. I decided to start handing my CV in shops and ringing up to ask the recruiters name to increase my chances. Both these things scare me to death but I just did it, looking very flustered and stuttering on my words, but it somehow got me an interview.I'd really like this job but I'm already scared not only about the interview, but whether I'm going to make stupid mistakes, my colleagues aren't going to like me and think I'm weird and I'm just going to be awkward if I do get the job. I keep thinking about past experiences and it's making me think this outcome is almost inevitable. Does anybody have any motivation words to increase confidence? I hate feeling like this.
  11. So I quit my previous job around 3 months ago after being signed off with depression and anxiety. I was struggling due to a combination of reasons.. but primarily no training and a mean manager led to me making silly mistakes and hating my time there. I've been applying for jobs for around 3 months and I have had no replies. I decided to start handing my CV in shops and ringing up to ask the recruiters name to increase my chances. Both these things scare me to death but I just did it, looking very flustered and stuttering on my words, but it somehow got me an interview.I'd really like this job but I'm already scared not only about the interview, but whether I'm going to make stupid mistakes, my colleagues aren't going to like me and think I'm weird and I'm just going to be awkward if I do get the job. I keep thinking about past experiences and it's making me think this outcome is almost inevitable. Does anybody have any motivation words to increase confidence? I hate feeling like this.
  12. I'm very motivated in finding a job. I'm writing about 6 cover letters for jobs a day at the moment (mostly retail) but getting no response. My motivation can only last so long until I just feel like giving up. I have a degree in Psychology and after living on my own for three years and having purpose, I'm 22 and have moved back in with my parents and have no money. I want to start my career, start earning money and having my own space. I feel like I've gone back to being a teenager. It's not very motivating that some of the jobs i'm actually applying for may not be the easiest to get to and not very appealing but there's no few jobs I'd like to do out there at the moment. I'm planning on going handing my CV into some stores tomorrow and I'm just in a terrible mood at the moment, thinking everything's pointless. I'd be really grateful if anybody has any words of encouragement. Thank you
  13. So after years of feeling depressed I went to my GP who prescribed Citalopram. I took this for around 6 months and i didn't feel it was helping me massively. The doctor actually wrote me a sick note for a month which led to me quitting my job which I just wasn't coping with, so I think any improvement in my mood was actually not having to worry about work anymore. So we decided to switch to prozac. My GP told me to come off citalopram for over a week and then begin the prozac. When I came off the citalopram I decided to leave it for a while (a silly reason maybe, but this was due to the sexual dysfunction I experienced on it, resolving itself). I began to so much more motivated with crafts and baking. I began painting, something I'd never even been interested in but started to really enjoy! I decorated my bedroom. I felt overloaded with motivation, I couldn't decide what project I wanted to start next. Within the past week literally it was like I woke up a different person, and my bad days have turned into bad weeks again. I have no interest in painting, I don't even know why I enjoyed it in the first place. I don't want to bake, it reminds me of my weight gain from shoving my face with food over the past couple of years to comfort myself. Although I have no "sexual dysfunction" anymore, I have no connection with my boyfriend. I feel like a months worth of not worrying about work has hit me with full force too. I feel pathetic for not being in work. My computer is filled with cover letters for jobs which I have had no reply for. I spend so much time applying for jobs and pathetically feel sorry for myself that I've tried so hard through feeling bad and I'm just not getting anywhere. My boyfriends parents do not know I've left my job, as I can't bring myself to tell them, and they lecture me to not leave before I find another position. My grandparents are constantly asking if I've found anywhere which reminds me I haven't. I am very irritable and sensitive to what people say to me too, and it's affecting my relationships. I have no idea why I started feeling better and why It's stopped but it feels very unfair and cruel. Should I start taking the prozac? I've even thought it may be my contraceptive pill to have such extreme mood swings. Who knows. I just really needed to vent.
  14. I think i'm just starting to realize it was a subtle way of saying "go home" because she wanted to see my boyfriend and maybe I've been spending too much time at his in general and was too stupid to realize it. After tonight I don't want to even go to his anymore.
  15. I spend the weekends with my boyfriend and the last couple have been pretty crappy due to arguing. I look forward to seeing him and he's one of the only things that make me happy. After talking things through we were fine and having a really nice weekend. A big issue at the moment is that we're both living with our parents after coming out of uni and saving up to move out. I always go to his, so I see a lot of his parents. His mum still treats him like a child, is very controlling and seems to condescendingly talk about us to other family members whilst we're in the room like we're still teenagers whilst I bite my tongue. So today she burst into his room and said "Have you still not seen your mum today?!" because it's mothers day. I'd left a card and gift at home but we don't really celebrate anything but birthdays and I just didn't know what to say and due to my anxiety talking to people, what was really a trivial thing to say turned into me feeling like I'd been shouted at like a child and couldn't defend myself. After a massive drop in my mood, I ended up telling my boyfriend and told him I was going to go home. He said he'd walk me home which upset me even more that he wasn't even that bothered about me staying, because he would probably just play on his video games. He said he felt at fault and didn't know what he could do, and I was told him he wasn't to blame but I really just wanted to feel better and spend more time together instead of going home, I was just so irrational. I ended up walking home crying because we were having such a nice time and it'd been ruined and tonight we'd usually be spending time together and we're not- I'm just at home feeling awful. I was even pathetically waiting, hoping he'd turn around to catch me up and tell me to stay. I felt like just nothing goes right for me and I just feel like I've irrationally blown up and I'm just a burden. My negative thoughts and actions and memories were just snowballing until I felt o awful and numb. I have no idea how something so small could have affected me like this. Now I want to be alone, yet want to be with him, and he feels at fault, and I don't want him to.. it's all just a massive mess of feelings. He text me after saying he loved me and all i could text back was that I was "so so sad". Now I feel guilty and pathetic because I don't want him to pity me. What is wrong with me?
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