Jump to content

meeyow

Member
  • Content Count

    156
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    2

meeyow last won the day on January 30 2013

meeyow had the most liked content!

About meeyow

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    philly
  • Interests
    I'm 37 and living with my loving husband. Recovering from a very abusive childhood. I groom pets. I have a degree in an energetic medicine field. I love cooking. music. sarcasm. two cats - Kali and Krampus.
  1. OMG what a depressing topic! LOL just kidding. :) I'm a democrat. I was raised very left and liberal. I can see how this and my upbringing might have contributed to my depression --- because I have the time, liberty, and space to even BE depressed......I somewhat resent that my parents gave me less rules/regs/etc. than other kids. I grew up feeling like rules were around me and didn't apply to me. Now, I feel sort of like an outsider and as they were then ---- not affiliated to anything. That might not be having anything to do with political views and more with culture? I don't know. I won't vote now. Because everyone I see in US is a clown. No, seriously. Clowns. End Rant. :)
  2. I will tell you the truth, if I feel that bad - (and I have this week a couple of times) - I put the blankets over my head and go to sleep. I know it all seems like a cruel and wicked game and pointless. I hear ya. Chances are for me, if I can get to sleep by whatever means necessary - I wake up in a better mood. I know that doesnt work for everyone.....
  3. I agree with the above poster. I totally understand what you mean. I have the same anxieties to a greater or lesser degree. Soemtimes about my appearance, but mostly about my personality. I am becoming very paranoid that people don't like me --- and that my depression/anxiety/mood issues "poison" and affect other people. I will isolate because I don't want to enflict myself upon people. I agree with the above poster because it is totally a self-worth thing, its true. Do you have a webcam? Try having a conversation with yourself. I'm serious. Videotape yourself and then play it back. When I do this and I talk for say 10 minutes I forget that it was actually me (I know that it sounds weird) because I won't remember saying things. The thing is, I have looked back at myself and felt less hopeless. I feel like - hey that is another person, she may not be gorgeous --- but like other bloggers and people on youtube, she has something to say. She is ok. She has a right to talk. That is where I start sometimes. I know its not for everyone, but that is something that works for me. Best wishes ---
  4. I get down on my hands and knees and pound the ground behind my apartment where no one can see me. I seriously do. I hope they show tomorrow.
  5. I basically have no one here in the state I am in, since I moved, except my husband. My family dumped me. All of my friends are cyber - friends from other walks of my life that are not local. The real alarming thing is that I don't know how to make friends anymore. I am 38 and childless and unemployed. I don't know where/how to go meet people. Meetup groups? Sure they meet once a month - and what does one do til then? I feel desperate and stupid just initiating conversations with local people. The truth is - all I ever knew how to do, I am figuring out is ---- is pick up men. How do you find a new family? How do you find a place to fit in? Not to sound cliche, but the loneliness - the feeling of being an outsider, is ******* me. I feel so alone, so abandoned - not only by my family --- but by God, the world, and life. I told myself that I wouldn't self harm. But its leaving me in a cycle of : eat, drink, distract, take a walk, go to bed, and repeat. clawing at life to get by. I feel like the pain is literally overwhelming sometimes. I want to get enough money to just leave my husband -- I will miss him, but his apathy, isolation, and inability to meet me half way on things is just all I can take. I told him today I was lonely and starting crying. He started going through facebook on his phone. I told him it really bothered me, he got up and walked away. Five years of feeling like an obstacle in the way of things he really wants. I dont' want to take it personally --- I deserve better, but it makes me feel so much worse. My self worth is in the toilet. I'm desperate. Desperate people do desperate things. I don't want to be this way.
  6. I am totally feeling it today. I got so frustrated at work - I thought I was going to loose it today. I work with animals right now (specifically grooming dogs) and I **cannot**** embody or show my emotions or it not only makes me look bad, but it upsets the animals and makes my job harder. Long story short - I don't want to be doing this anymore but I am trapped until I find something else. My coworkers STEAL cash tips from me everyday. I get shafted and given the worst things to do...I'm basically making minimum wage at a job that most people are making A TON more in other places. Its a long story. I have a masters degree....and this is where my life is.....talk about depressed. I have stopped wanting to even get a relief with alcohol or any temporarey benzo pill. nothing helps. I gave up my meds a few months ago --- when I was happy --- then after that my life circumstances crumbled....now there is no way I am going back on meds - plus I have no insurance anyway. Shaking my head. Taking a shower did help.
  7. By taking a break - -- I think she means taking yourself off the hook. Its VERY important to be able to live in the moment....stop worrying about the future everyday. If you don't worry about it for 6 months is that really going to make a big difference? Thats why I think is meant by break. Don't be so hard on yourself. For me, it helped TREMENDOUSLY to just focus on each day --- one at a time --- and making each day livable. Example --- I had a really horrendous thing happen today. I took 10 dollars and went and bought myself exactly what I wanted to eat, came home and took a long hot shower. Took the dog out, fed the cats, and it helped. I didn't think about anything else, but how lucky I was to have the ability to do that. Many people don't!!!!! I know it doesn't help sometimes to think that others have it better off --- I mean, what DOES That have to do with us....but the point is ---depression is YOU centeric. Helping others and extending empathy DOES help. :) Its hard, trust me...I know. I really do know. Find something you feel empathy toward --- a cause. And think about it. Whether its animals, people, nature, etc. It helps to look outside yourself. Thinking the best for you
  8. I am on the same page as you both. I HATE working right now. By no fault of my own I have to work I job I really don't want. On top of it all - I'm on my feet all day. I listen to my husband complain and blame me for the situation and does not support me. I have always said that I need an entire day to unwind and spend by myself - undisturbed --- if I am working a draining job. I, too, had today off and not another day until weds. Not having 2 days off in a row, also is horrible, but I have no choice. i feel held hostage right now in a life where I am just working to pay bills to keep myself working. I am trying to find hobbies that make life worthwhile - eventually I can afford them - and maybe friends eventually too. Also with the cooking thing and doing everything in advance ---- totally helps. The other thing that really helps me, is reminding myself of how others in the world have it. I read a pretty horrible article about people who work in electronic factories in china. Its really seriously *beyond* imaginable the horrible ways that people are treated - I don't know where you live, but at least in the western world more than likely wherever you are from, you don't get the abuse that those people get on the job. I will never look at my cell phone the same after knowing how people are treated where it is built! :verysad3: Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to same you into liking a bad job, I am right there with you --- but it could be worse....a lot worse. I think its our expectations that make it so hard.
  9. I withdraw from friends and loved ones sometimes for a few reasons. First of all, they have expectations that I feel like I cannot meet. I have felt pressure to be something that I am not feeling up to. People remember you being one way, and say things that can really make you feel worse about yourself. "what happened to you? You used to be a very (whatever) person?"....then I look at myself and ask myself the same question and feel horrible.....ESPECIALLY if you friend has not come to terms with whatever is going on with her - if she has not been diagnosed or accepted, or has proper support to deal with it. Its hard to have the confidence to say "hey listen friend, I feel horrible inside, and thats NOT because I am not trying, or because of anything you did or didn't do --- its because of the situation that I am in or the chemicals in my body." That takes ENORMOUS strength and self awareness. Hey, I have had depression all my life and I still can't say that stuff to many people! I am 38! I often will keep to myself when I feel bad because I don't want to "spread" negativity. So often in this society people say "if you don't have anything good to say don't say anything" so we learn to just answer every "how are you?" with FINE or GREAT. This is true for me because I have felt stereotyped as the angry or depressed girl. It hurts after a while, so I just pretend to be something I am not alot around people who don't know me, or I stay to myself. Its exhausting trying to put up a front to make others happy, trust me. Soemtimes I would just rather be alone - which isn't the best thing, but then I know at least I am not making anyone else feel worse.
  10. I really appreciate the words of support. My mother is a lost cause..... I have had several therapists tell me to stop barking up that tree for support, but I have tried not to give up. ARe you familiar with the John Bradshaw? "Healing that shame that binds you" stuff? He says that the minute that a parent who was raised in a shame-based house is asked to GIVE to a child who needs anything (or person) that they become very angry. He explains it in his youtube talk - which I highly recommend..... I used to think it was plain narcissism that my mother couldn't see anyone elses' problems but hers, and would get p*****, but now I know he is right. I am on the edge of quitting school. I have to be there 1 day a week for less than 6 months. The school REALLY did me a favor and advanced me through most of a certificate program. Its a bargain. But finding the 800 a month to make this bargain work is challenging. My husband works in a clerical job and despite my pleas - won't' get a second that "demeans" him. When I was cleaning up dog poop for minimum wage last week and being "schooled" by the 20 year old how (seriously) how inefficiently I clean (10 years working with animals, 38 years old, but please - talk to me like I am 5), thats when I broke down sobbing in the parking lot. Fortunately, I was able to find something that pays more the next week. Shaking my head.
  11. Everyone is doing what they need to do to survive. Its too much for some people. Don't fault them. People who can live so close to death --- I think it scares other people. I think people get so scared of us and the fact that death exists that it freaks them out. Also many people just don't want to face deep stuff. seriously.
  12. I would avoid the home and/or change the place up a bit. I know how being around stuff that reminds you of a person can be a powerful trigger. You had a good day until you got home. Thats hope. There can be more. I went through a break up in my life at which I felt like a lunatic for a few months. It got better. Friends helped. Crying in a hot bath helped me. Crying on my dog helped me. excercise. food. Tv, distractions. Hang in there. It won't hurt this bad forever.
  13. In the past 2 months, I moved to another state. Signed a contract for a job. I was denied state license since I am apparently 10 credits short in something completely ridiculous. I lost the job. (I am licensed in another state but its complicated) So I needed to finish credits and pay OUT OF POCKET to school to get my license to practice in the state I just moved to. But now I have no job, and need to find another one. So, I am paying out of pocket for schooling to finish a certificate so that I can practice in a state that I didn't even intend to live in. We moved in (husband and I ) with a friend of the family. Within 2 weeks, she started a major blow-out drama, fight with me over nothing that I did, and threw us out on the street. We had to live with my sister in law on her BACK PORCH for 2 weeks until we could raise enough money to sign a lease for our own place. We had to buy a car because we previouly lived near mass transit in a big city and didn't need one. Between all of this --- and finding a job (working doing something I used to do - which I hate, and thought I would never have to do again.) we are now financially devastated. I am in a new state with no friends and no support. I feel completely alone except for my husband. Called my mother and begged her for attention/help --- she told me that it was all my fault, and talked to me like I as a 5 year old child and that she didn't want to hear it. So No family support. Only my husbands family, who really don't like me - and put up with me but feel bad for him. Today, I woke up - my husband told me that if I didn't snap out of my depression (bad day yesterday) that basically he was going to leave because there was nothing here for him now as we are broke, and we only moved here for a job that doesn't exist and that my attitude is dragging him down. I had quit my meds successfully a few months ago(with professional help) and had almost no symptoms --- I mean, except what might be normal for all this crap to happen in someones life until yesterday. Then, I felt so horrible, I cried so hard, I felt so frantically hopeless....that nothing I could do could manage how I felt....I almost ended it this morning. Its all such a huge mess. We are financially devastated - I mean, I am going to food banks and I can barely put gas in the car. We owe money to friends who are getting angry. I just don't know what I am even doing anymore. It just feels over the top hopeless. Now I am supposed to "make nice" to a man who threatened to leave me this morning if I didn't act less depressed? Why can't people realize threatening someone with an ultimatim who has abandonment issues who has a history of suicide attempts is not a good idea? I went to work. Cried all day. Its a new job and I felt like a total #ss. No peace anywhere. I'm ...just....?! Done.
  14. Thank you for your reply. There is an element that applies to my life for sure. I am not feeling really good about myself at all. maybe I just need permission to do absolutely nothing for a while and not feel like a lazy, bad person. ?! Thanks again
  15. My problem is that I do NOTHING when I am not at work. I cannot motivate myself to do a single thing. I barely eat - until I absolutely have to. I sit around all day and surf the internet. Or just play mindless games. I can't get through this. I should be studying or bettering my business, marketing, cleaning my filthy house, or taking care of myself somehow. The house and my belongings --- my life --- besides motivating myself to go out and work because I HAVE TO (3 days a week usually) has just fallen to shXt. I used to care about what I looked like, my house being nice, cooking, organizing belongings, cleanliness.......what happened to me. My entire existence exists so that I don't have to feel even more guilty or hear my husband complain. Anyone else been here and what did you do ---- to kick yourself in the butt. I'm ono the highest dose of effexor and just added in lamictal. The lamictal has helped me from really getting into a bad sitution with the self loathing. Otherwise. I used to be able to get up off the couch with a good cup of coffee.....now - nothing. thoughts please - anyone.
×
×
  • Create New...