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Peony last won the day on April 21 2013

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    I have had anxiety and depression for 32 years....attended CoDa meetings for several years...been in therapy 3 different times...currently on Cymbalta, lithium, and generic ativan .

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  1. Not, If you are through, then why do you come here to get input? Maybe you want help? I found my purpose at 41 - teaching those who are forgotten and feel less than......I found it on my own....which is what you would have to do. Your creativity shows through your use of planet of the apes as an avatar....despite or including the reason for using it. Sorry, I don't buy that you are not useful or needed....I hate this world too right now, but that doesn't mean that I or you are not needed by people who are good and need some help. Peony
  2. shlunka, IMO what you have described could be considered dwelling and focusing.....obsessing and analyzing over and over.....I have had so many of the thoughts and questions you mentioned above until I sought help for my major depression. I have had it since I was 21 and I am now 52.....lots of med changes over the years when they stopped working, and been to therapists 3 different times in my life. There is something you can do about it....it will not go away on it's own and will continue to get worse if you don't fight it. If you don't get any relief from current meds or treatments, seek out unconventional or alternative ones; if you don't like a therapist, find one with whom you feel comfortable and have faith in. It's not easy to fight depression, but it's what is necessary to feel the good again that life offers at times....not all of the time, but sometimes......and how wonderful the good feels...... I am sorry you are in pain. Peony
  3. Cherry, What you described is the horrible disease of depression...it will get worse if you don't seek help...it won't go away by itself. I am 52 and I have suffered it since I was 21. I have changed many meds over the years as they stop working, and I have been to therapy at 3 different times in my life. Triggers for my depression include people emotionally abusing me, and financial stress. I suggest seeing a doctor for meds and a therapist whom you feel comfortable with and have faith in. I am sorry you are in pain. Once meds start to work and therapy starts to help, you will feel better. It's hard work to fight depression. And it is a fight. Peony
  4. not, I'm sorry you have been in such pain to make those attempts......it would be wonderful if things could change for you......I believe we all have a purpose here, and someone as creative as you who uses the Planet of the Apes (it looks like) as your avatar would be very useful and needed most definitely! I don't want to go "there"...I have had major depression since I was 21 and now I'm 52....it's never gotten easier, but life has been good at times. I'm in pain now too, and I'm ready for some good again. That's how I keep going right now...remembering how nice the good feels. Peony
  5. lisbethsal, I agree with you.....i want and desperately need that fulltime position so badly; my husband wants a job so badly....the economy really *** I heard that now only 47% of the American workers are fulltime; 53% are part time.....i don't know what we all are supposed to do! All who have fulltime jobs are very blessed and lucky. Peony
  6. I don't think there is one right answer. I think you say what seems right at the time and go with it. My therapist in the past told me that no answer is wrong. I understand how much you need a job to pay bills....I'm there myself with working only 15 hours per week right now......but maybe you need to take care of yourself by seeing a good therapist you feel comfortable with and have faith in, and trying another form of therapy if not meds....meds need changing when they stop working....some people have to use alternative therapies...ECT, etc. When I feel the lowest of lows, there is no way I am able to work or function around others.....no matter how much I know I need to. This is not easy for me to accept. I feel for you and I am praying for you.....this is such a horrific disease and I am sorry you are in such pain right now. Peony
  7. JA59, I think if you don't have one already, that a therapist could really help you adjust to what lies ahead, and the state of your marriage, and helping you to look out for and take care of you. I had to go to one before, during, and after my husband took all of my money and left me after 25 years together...... couldn't have done it without her help. Peony
  8. Yes, depression definitely makes me isolate. I too have to force myself to get out there and be with people. Peony
  9. Pensive, Thanks for the kind words....my attitude hasn't been that great lately because I am getting tired of my situation....I do all that I can to change it - for years - and that doesn't work....it's emotionally debilitating. I keep trying to hang in there and make the best of each day, so I won't endure life but can enjoy it....sometimes I start to feel bitter....I don't want to be a bitter person. Peony
  10. That stinks...I'm sorry. At least your parents will take you in...mine won't and I'm 52......my husband left me 11 years ago and "borrowed" all my savings....never saw them or him again.....and I have been trying to get on my feet ever since financially. I have a Masters degree and have been trying to get a full time job the last 8 years.....close, but no cigar a couple of times. I'm too old for this....my parents want their privacy as they age, so there you go....my house is falling apart and I don't have the money to fix it. At least I'm not homeless, and I have a husband who loves me and who too is looking for a job. Things will change for you...you are still young....you will need patience and perseverance. Peony
  11. I hear ya! I'm somewhat there. Having worked between 12 - 28 hours every week the last 8 years doing something I love, HR will not hire me fulltime for other positions......the last one all in the new dept backed me, had 3 managers wanting me, etc., do excellent work, have a Masters, and I heard through the vine that they wanted me........all except HR apparently who hired the girlfriend of someone higher up and who just moved to town! Everyone was shocked she was chosen..they thought it was me. I have been looking for fulltime the last 8 years with them - 4 different applications, and they don't promote me....it makes me want to say what you did......I'm not as motivated and quite resentful. Almost don't give a ****. The only thing that keeps me going is I need the paycheck to live and I like my managers for whom I work they are good people and have been very good to me....I work for them, and not HR. I hope it backfires on HR. Peony
  12. FMFM - Hi there...Welcome to DF. I understand. I have suffered from serious depression since I was 21 and I now am 52....I have changed meds many times over the years after they stop working, have gone to therapy 3 times, and I have made myself at home here. None of my close friends, each lives far away from me anyway, most of my family, and others do not understand. I have met 1 other person I could discuss it with in person, as she too suffered and was my mentor and manager...she died 4 years ago. No one can understand how exhausting, and horrible this disease is except those who experience it.....everyone here does. It's a life long disease for me.....get a change in meds, a therapist would be good too. Life can be good, but before that there is suffering. I'm ready for some good in my life again....things have been difficult for me lately and my attitude has not been good....I just keep trying to remember life can be good. Meds are not a placebo....you have to have the right one and they keep making changes in them over the years, so you are probably due for a change in them. Take care....I remember being your age and being depressed, and it was not easy then either. Peony
  13. henrithecat, I believe you! Thanks for telling us!!! peony
  14. JA59, I know your situation is hard......could you be honest with your teens? Do you have a supportive spouse? Are you getting help? Peony
  15. I'm exhausted too...been trying to get on my feet financially for the last 11 years after my husband borrowed all my savings and didn't pay them back then left me. I've been look for full time jobs last 8 years with a masters degree and can't find one......I don't know what more I can do and I'm 52. I just don't go "there".....to where I want to leave.....because if I do, then it will be so incredibly hard to get back to where I am emotionally and mentally right now. You are young...check into alternative treatments...ECT, etc....maybe they are an option. Life can be good. I'm tired of my suffering period and want more good. Peony
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