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FionaC

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  1. Hi PP, sorry for the delay but I only just saw your reply! Very happy to hear your professional life is going well, it's an area I need to work on right now after so much 'personal' time this year! Unrequited love huh? Gee that is a tough one, don't feel I am any person to give advice re relationships ;) From your posts on here I think you are an incredible, insightful and caring person and any woman would be very lucky to have you, depression or not. At least you know about it and can deal with it going forward. One of my big sadnesses over what happened with my husband is how many years he suffered and had no idea, just thought he was unhappy with life in general and kept making changes to try and fix it which ultimately were just small sticking plasters. He could have sought treatment a lot sooner if we'd had any clue and maybe avoided so much pain. But hey, gotta look at the positives right? I know I said it a lot but thanks again for all your kindness, support, wisdom and advice on here, it helped me through the darkest time of my life. Things still going very positively for us, he is still on the higher meds and his doctor wants him on them for a minimum of 6 months before he reassesses the dosage. Hubby was sad at first to be 'a person with depression' but honestly now he has come to terms with it and sees the bigger picture - he has even said that if he ends up on meds the rest of his life it is better than going back to the place he was at. Often think of you PP and hope things are good for you, stay hopeful if you can! X
  2. Hi all, just thought it was time for an update, hopefully to help anyone that ends up in a similar situation.... PP - firstly I hope my message finds you well? I hope things are going well for you right now? Things with me and my hubby have continued in a very, very positive way. Our relationship has been stronger than ever, we talk all the time and he is so very grateful that I stuck by him and tells me all the time he feels very lucky that his illness and the subsequent actions from it didn't ruin our marriage. He goes out of his way to reassure me all the time and we have made a lot of small changes to our life that have made a massive difference. He is still on the higher dose of meds (40mg of Fluoxetine/Proxac each day) and he is scared about coming off it as he feels (in his words) 'better than I think I have ever felt in my life'. We're both keeping an eye on everything and talking very openly about what happened - particularly the affair - but from what he has told me I think he just got very messed up and the mess he created just seemed to be getting bigger and bigger until it got to a point where he couldn't see how there would ever be a way out. He has said recently that he has no idea how it happened, that his ultimate outcome was always for us to be happy together, but he thought he had ruined everything but was so confused he didn't understand what to do. He realised a few days in (from giving her up) that he didn't miss her, he really realised my forgiveness was real and he said he felt overjoyed. He realised also that all his 'negative' ideas about me and about us were all caused by his depression - he feels confused when he tries to remember them now as he doesn't understand where they had come from. I told him people with depression had expressed to me a view of feeling like they were watching someone else or seeing life through really distorting glasses and he said he totally felt the same way - as if things weren't appearing how they really were. So the upshot is that a few weeks on we're still great, everything is back on track and better than it has been in many years. He feels positive about the future, he has regained his interest in everything and he has gone back to being the sweet, loving and caring man he used to be - a man I had forgotten existed as his depression had been wearing away at him for so long. I hope my story gives hope to others who find themselves challenged with depression and the fallout from it. I guess my husband did have mid-life issues thrown in there, but ultimately depression is depression and now he has the right treatment he is transformed. Time will tell how long he has to stay on meds as it seems his depression has been lurking for years, possibly all his adult life, but he knows now how it feels to be 'happy' and he likes it.
  3. Thanks both. You know PP a lit of people have told me they don't know if they would be as strong as i have been but I don't feel very strong really and I think people have an amazing capacity when they are faced with such an enormous crisis for real. I would have said an affair would be the end of us right up until it actually happened (and, indeed, my husband's hesitation in telling me was enormously attributable to him knowing my thoughts and not wanting our marriage to be over) but in reality a mistake on his part - caused by resolvable things - is not worth throwing away what I know was (and is again) an amazing relationship and bond. Of course there is a lot of work to do on both sides but so far we are both willing and able to do it and we're reaping the rewards already. We have our first counselling session today but we're going in as a honeymoon couple! We have talked about our concerns over what counselling may do - I.e. bring up feelings or information etc. - but we have promised each other we will discuss things so they are understood and clear to us both and we'll keep an eye on the bigger picture. As always am appreciating your support and hope you're doing ok? I think you're a lot stronger than you know PP ;-) X
  4. Hi folks - thought I would send you a quick update..... So - things have just carried on in an amazing way, really better than I could ever have hoped for. It seems now his meds have been dosed correctly his depression has lifted and he says he is feeling happier and more like himself than he has in years. He is completely engaged again with our relationship, the other woman is not on his mind at all (when asked he says remembering it feels like it was months ago and is like it was someone else and he was watching it on a film rather than participating in it). We start counselling next week but we've been talking openly and honestly and there have been no cross words or accusations, just understanding of how this happened from both sides. We're sad he was so ill for so long and neither of us realised. He is being more loving, attentive and affectionate than he has been for years and he says he is completely happy and he doesn't regret his decision to stay for one minute. We know there will be bumps in the road ahead as we go through counselling but I have to say we feel prepared and stronger than ever. Just amazing and an outcome I couldn't even have dreamed of. Depression sure is a destructive and all-encompassing thing. Hope to update with some more in future. Nice to have a happy ending, but it's early days yet so we'll see. I want to keep this updated as there as so few happy endings on the net and it would be nice to give someone some hope that may be going through something similar in future. :)
  5. Thanks! Yes although I am not taking it for granted i have read a lot of articles by marriage counsellors that say this situation is not hopeless by any means and I gotta say that if we do make it i do think things will be much stronger in every respect. Very early days but I have to commend his efforts so far. Appreciate your positive thoughts for me xx
  6. Hey PP. Thanks for your message and thoughts - I hope things are ok with you? I guess a lot has happened here but in a nutshell he has committed to giving us a chance and has ceased all contact with her. He finally decided last Friday and although the first couple of days were really rough as he let the idea sink in that he would not be able to see her again just now he is being ok, affection is returning tentatively and we're taking it day by day. By no means do i think this is a done deal. Although I know his feelings for her are more about infatuation and fantasy than real love he isn't there yet and there is a very real danger for a long time that he will weaken. We start couples counselling soon and in the meantime we are talking about the communication problems we have and also fixing the financial pressures that added to this. It won't be an easy path back to happiness as he has left it so long and muddied the waters with the affair but I am keeping my faith as much as I can. As far as his depression goes he is now on 40 mg Prozac each day and is starting to see some real improvements (still good and bad days but he says he feels like he's 'waking up' on the good days and I suspect our situation is still a factor in the whole thing). I will try and keep you posted..... X
  7. Hey Katersbee, thanks for your thoughts and your message. No change for now - got him off suicide watch and lots of talks but no decision yet. I have agreed he can meet her tomorrow and then he has to decide. Unusual move I know but in my mind he has already left really so my tactic is just in case he really does stay I don't want resentment from him that I forced him to leave her and ultimately if he walks I want to know in my mind that he went of his own accord and not because I kicked him out. There are many complicating factors but basically the next couple of days should be significant. Keep on going .......
  8. Thanks both :) Very tough few days ahead while we sort the practicalities of this. I have been very clear he has to decide and I am very realistically expecting him to choose her. We have had a couple of very emotional and honest days - shame we couldn't have done this before! - and I know he has not really thought through what the reality of separating from me means to him, his life and his career (long story but suffice to say he is losing a LOT!). My friend also pointed out that although they feel in love they don't really know each other that well- she is dazzled by him being a musician and the glamorous life she thinks he has (we know a few famous people) but she doesn't know the man behind it as well as she thinks, they have never spent a night together (I know because we haven't had a night apart since they started up) and despite texting and their hotel trysts which I am sure are just about the sex, they haven't had any real world stuff to face at all until now. BUT honestly so what, I am thinking of me already and looking at our financial arrangements. He told me he has been surprised by how much I love him - a sure fire indicator that he had convinced himself of untruths to justify his behaviour - and now the reality of him walking away from me is hitting him I think he is also surprised by his deep love for me. I am not fooling myself that is romantic love at this stage, I know he is (or thinks he is?) in love with her, but it is making it more difficult for him to follow through, as you say, and that is causing the depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Feels like it's going to be a bumpy ride but I know I am strong and I have the most amazing support network around me (including this forum - thanks!) :) x
  9. Also worth pointing out that now I know for sure about the affair I am back to calling this mid-life crisis in my mind..... :(
  10. Hi Katersbee, I don't know if I have given you the wrong end of the stick but honestly I know we had relationship problems, but honestly not enough to cause depression and I do know what the other triggers were (in 2009 and 2005). I am fuming with him that the small problems we did have could have been resolved if he had just sat down and talked with me, but as they were communication probs I guess it didn't work that way - so instead he took the temptation handed to him on a plate (I know the girl, know she had been idolising him for a long time as her XH is friends with my H and I know how she operates and also him, it would have had to have been handed to him for him to notice but it was and he obviously took it!). I am well aware he hasn't given her up yet, although distance means he won't be seeing her soon and he has promised me he will not see her this week so he has time to think about whether we should try and go down the counselling/saving route. I have mixed feelings, yes I want to try and I do think I could forgive him but I also think maybe it is delaying the inevitable. I am fully prepared to show him the door and he knows it - he knows the choice he has to make and where the lines are drawn. I have had the usual crying/so sorry/you didn't deserve this/ blah blah. Well yeah, I didn't, but it's happened and at least I know the truth (had suspected her for a while, but not the length of time it has been going on - really quite shocked at his ability to lie, boy could win an Oscar!) I am not being soft on him but I am aware that he is seriously depressed right now, the panic attacks he is having (and passing out after) are very real and I had to speak to his doctor today about his suicidal conversations, so I am caring for him as anyone would. Strangely now I finally know the truth I feel quite strong. Not saying that will stay and maybe once he goes it will hit me more, but at that stage it will all be about me.
  11. So more of an update - apologies for short nature of the last one but I was out and on my phone. After the confession of the affair he broke down completely and we had what can only be described as the most shocking and revealing conversation we have ever had. We discussed possible problems with the relationship that had led to the affair - none of them really worthy of more than a sit down and chat - but it turns out the low level depression I had looked back and guessed he had before the meltdown was far, far more serious than I realised and stretched back definitely as far as 2009, with some roots in 2005 and then way back to teen years. He is suffering right now with debilitating anxiety attacks and he told me they go way back to his teen years and a nightmare he used to have about having to write in really small writing on a wall in their house and it was never-ending, which he now equates with the futility and endlessness of life and how nothing ever changes and it just goes on and on. He was breaking into bad anxiety as he told me this. Then - the most shocking thing for me - he told me he had planned to commit suicide over Xmas 2011. The only reason he didn't in the end was that he hadn't wanted me to be disappointed in him. I had NO IDEA. It feels to me like I don't know this man. He would never, ever have had an affair without the depression, I know that sounds naive but believe me the friends I have told are absolutely shocked and stunned. And as for the depression and drastic action thoughts he kept it so well hidden, especially around those dates, that I could never have guessed he was even unhappy. Worth pointing out that the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 he was already 6 months into the affair, had just turned 40 and his career was looking good. I don't think our marriage can survive this as his depression is so deep he cannot understand me wanting him to finish it with the OW. Oh - did I mention this woman is a friend of ours and we have seen her a lot in recent months? So the two of them have been with me and flaunting it without me having a clue. Nice, huh? When I asked him about this he just said he didn't connect the two and the person having the affair feels like someone else, like it isn't real - he feels like two people. So after all my panicking the worst has happened. Thanks to you all for helping me understand depression a little better.
  12. Oh PP your timing is perfect as always. Truth behind all this finally came out today and he has been having an affair for 18 months...... Pretty numb right now as you can imagine but strangely relieved to finally get the truth.
  13. Just an update for anyone reading the thread! He went to the doctors on Wednesday for a check up (has been on tricyclic meds for 5 weeks now, 3 weeks at 50mg per night and then 2 weeks at 150mgs per night) and despite him showing what I think were some signs of slight improvement the doctor changed him to Fluoxetine (SSRI), just 20mg per day to start which is a little annoying as my husband is well over 6' tall and weighs 330lbs! He had a good day (his words) on Thursday and seemed very positive about things, including us, even telling me without prompting that 'we will get through this'., but then yesterday he had a s***ty counselling session in the morning and has been very, very down again yesterday and today. He was very negative again last night, saying he wasn't sure if we had a future and this couldn't have just happened out of the blue. I showed him articles online stating that depression can cause exactly what he is going through but I guess he is finding it hard to take in right now. The counsellor has stopped his IC and is referring us to couples counselling, which will take a few weeks to come through, and I found out that he had barely told them any of the other contributory factors as all they were interested in was our marriage. He has blood tests next week which I hope bring up some info on the ED at least..... I am hoping that the new meds are just making things worse before they get better, I have read a couple of places that can happen with SSRI's but hey, as with the rest of it just have to wait and see!
  14. Hi Katersbee, yes I appreciate all that (and always have) and I do go out with friends, but it makes no difference to the basic problem. I am absolutely sure I would survive if we split, I am the sociable one, the one that organises everything and has all the friends. Leaving him for a night out or to visit a friend for coffee or lunch brings very mixed emotions in me right now because of all the times to leave him to his own devices this is not it, so I am trying to do it only when absolutely necessary. It doesn't really feed my soul to be with my friends knowing he is alone at home. I have suffered from depression before (although obviously not severe like this) and I have started exercising to ward it off and know all the things I have to do but, you know, the enormity of it is overwhelming sometimes and today is one of those times. I had wanted to delay counselling for myself but think I can't avoid it, I need to spout to someone other than close friends. Mind you - gotta love the NHS - no doubt from calling my doctor today to getting an appt will be a few weeks! Thanks again, I appreciate your thoughts and input very much.
  15. Thanks PP - it isn't my intention to use you as a psychoanalyst but I always appreciate your good wishes and insights. In fact you have helped me a lot, as you hopefully know! I guess there are stages to this and I am entering the next one. I have stopped panicking quite so much about the 'love' thing which leaves room for the reality of his depression and what it might mean in the weeks and months (jeez, maybe even years?!) ahead. I'm lucky that he is a very good man deep down, he knows he is sick right now and is doing all he can to sort it out. My job is to stay well, stay strong enough for both of us and try and sort the basic problems that got us to where we are right now and that triggered his depression. We had a few words last night which ended kinda badly, though not terribly, and he texted me that he really appreciated my support and thanked me. Gonna try and hold on to the small things like that. You're a good man PP :)
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