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About ireland381

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  1. Well we'll see I guess. Wasn't expecting critical responses... was just so excited to feel not miserable for the first time in ten years :( FYI, it's working great, even at half the dose my pdoc suggested. No side effects really. It's been about 3 weeks on it... so far so good, so guess I'll just see how it goes.
  2. Oh geez... not my intention at all... sorry I was just so excited I wanted to spread the word about this stuff I guess :(
  3. Hi all, I haven't posted here too much but I've lurked quite a bit... I wanted to come post because I think I FINALLY might have found a solution!!! this post is most relevant to those like me who've tried everything. Long story short, I've been severely depressed for 10+ years, tried 20+ medications from every class plus a round of TMS, even tried ketamine, and everything... no result. My my pdoc recommended me to a colleague who works mainly with TRD patients, and in my first visit he suggested buprenorphine (suboxone); I'd never heard of it. Turns out it's actually an opiate, technically, but it doesn't act the same... in fact, it's what they prescribe for patients who have an opiate addiction to help wean them off. So it's currently only FDA approved for that, but as it happens with many meds, they found one side effect was a potent antidepressant effect. My doc has treated several of his patients with it and had good success. He gave me a hard copy of a study that was only published in January 2017, so they're barely starting to study it for depression. I found this study as well, it's a very small study but at least there's a little data: [see member for document 'Buprenorphine Treatment of Refractory Depression' by multiple authors] I was surprised by the suggestion, but excited because I've always noticed feeling better when I've taken pain killers (in fact given how desperate I've been, I'm shocked I never got hooked on them). He explained away two of my biggest concerns, tolerance and addiction. Obviously it's easy to build a tolerance to pain meds, hence why addicts have to keep taking higher doses. But this med is chemically different enough that he says that's not an issue, and his patients haven't had to increase their dose once they hit a target dose. As far as addiction, according to my doc most people don't have a problem, he said he only had to take one patient off of it due to abuse. Anecdotally though, many addicts have posted on forums that it was hard to get off of it. It's possible that may be a different case for addicts who probably take much higher doses. anyway, as I said, I'm pretty desperate so I was willing to try almost anything! He was adamant that you have to titration up a"slowly." I put that in quotes because unlike an antidepressant, this stuff pretty much works in hours! [remove dosage amounts] I felt better in hours, even at the starting dose! It's not overwhelming, I just felt... normal. Ha! Not sad or emotional, just like myself! It does feel similar to other opiates, but not entirely. There's not really the physical sensation or euphoria that comes from opiates, definitely nothing is call a high (so I can't see why people would want to abuse them), but there is a very slight kind of warm fuzzy feeling, kind of relaxing, like getting out of a hot bath. It's supposed to be sedating, but I actually find it a bit activating! Besides that, not much in terms of side effects... a couple random brief periods of nausea, but pretty mild. It even seems to curb my appetite! its only been a week and I'm not even at a full dose yet, but I'm ecstatic... to get this kind of even partial relief after over 10 years is unreal. I know many who come here aren't this bad off and most/some will get luckier with standard antidepressants, but for those in my boat, I had to share my success since this medication is so unheard of for depression. You probably have to find a pretty liberal doctor to prescribe it since 1) there's so little data so far and 2) it's a controlled substance and some doctors freak out about that. Oh, and FYI, most insurance probably won't cover it since it's off-label; I paid [cost edited out] for it out of pocket. Not super cheap, but still pretty affordable. Ill come back and post again after I'm at a full dose and update!
  4. Unfortunately, it didn't work for me. When my last pdoc gave up on me, I picked a small private practice with a pdoc who looked great and they did TMS right there in the office. My pdoc helped calibrate the machine initially, the part where they find the right spot on your head to target so that your fingers twitch. But after that, they had a receptionist who was trained to do it. It never really occurred to me to question the process, but I recently started seeing another pdoc who came very high recommended, won top doc awards, etc., and she urged me to get a "second opinion" for the TMS. She asked if they ever changed the target location, for example, which they never did (they did crank it up after 4 weeks but that's it). She recommended a much bigger clinic that specializes in TMS instead, but that ship has sailed for me, I'm sure insurance wouldn't cover it again and while it's pretty easy to get through, it's not something I want to repeat. Anyway, I just throw that out there because it's possible it matters how skilled or experienced the docs and techs that administer the treatment are. Maybe mine was fine and it just failed like everything else has so far, who knows. i don't regret giving it a shot, but only because I got it covered. If I'd paid $10k out of pocket (which I was prepared to do), I'd regret it a lot more!
  5. I have severe treatment resistant depression lasting 10 years but most severe the last 2 years or so. After many meds in many classes, failed round of TMS, my doc prescribed Nardil... Any experiences with this older drug? fyi I've tried so far: Prozac, Zoloft, viibryd, celexa, lexapro, Effexor, Wellbutrin, cymbalta, lamictal, seroquel, abilify, lithium, buspar, and Latina with many combinations. No response to anything. only thing I haven't tried is a tricyclic, but forgot to ask my doc why she wanted to try an maoi first... Maybe the failed tms suggested we go right to the big guns, who knows... just hoping this will finally be the answer, after this ECT is about my only other option, and I'm not excited about that :(
  6. Yeah I already take adderall 30mg 2x day, it does almost nothing though.
  7. It's boring I guess, and I can't seem to force myself to do anything. Plus the overwhelming fatigue, I get up for a few minutes and I'm winded and have to sit back down :( the boredom is worse though, nothing will light up my brain the slightest bit, I can't even focus enough to read, which I always could before.
  8. See for example... I've had a "good" morning, cleaned my sons room, managed to play dolls with my daughter for a bit and took them outside... I hated it but I did it. Now im on the couch, staring at the wall watching the minutes tick by in tears. No matter what I always go back to the same place. There's no net gain, no momentum builds, it might be baby steps but they're sideways, not forward :(
  9. I hate to be negative, as I appreciate the suggestions, but I just don't feel good having goals and accomplishments don't give me any feeling of pride. I think the key word is feel... Can't control feelings, so I don't think it's anything I'm doing. I wish it did, it kind of does in my head but doesn't affect my mood. If I take any baby steps, I must just take baby steps back to where I was. as far as getting out... It might be good for me but I'm an introvert so social interaction exhausts me, plus going anywhere with two kids is just such s hassle I try to avoid it, even though I know it's good, it's just too hard :(
  10. I've never experienced the momentum building... When I get too tired I just cry harder. maybe you're right about forgiving myself, I just don't know how. Nobody can seem to tell me how to do anything, they tell me what to do but I don't know how to do anything. i can't even bring myself to get up to take meds or eat. Amazingly, I can still work, I think because it's a distraction from my home life, which is just guilt, pain, boredom, disorder, clutter, chaos, and frustration. I just can't find the motivation to do anything but sleep. It's probably debatable whether I'm really functional; if I couldn't work anymore I'm sure I'd end up in the hospital... I'm pretty much useless. and while my kids are very forgiving, I don't want them to remember this. I've known too many people who grew up with depressed parents and the things they say **** me... One of them said they basically didn't have a mom. They may forgive me but right now they're being raised by the TV and iPhones... I can't stand that :(
  11. My depression is severe and debilitating... Most days I spend all my mornings staring at the wall sitting on my couch, despite having two young kids (4 and 1) to watch. I have horrible guilt for not doing more with them but just getting them fed and diapers changed is about all I can manage... My husband does ALL the housework. I just sit and cry and look around at all the things I should be doing. i used to think if I could just get off my ass and do some housework again I'd feel better, less guilt. My therapist wanted me to try to do one small chore a day. I suppose doing the whole small goal setting thing so I could feel some sense of accomplishment. She also said I probably won't feel better while I do it, but just accept I'll be depressed while I do it but that's better than being depressed on the couch. does getting more done (or anything at all, if you're as bad as me) actually help you feel better? Because I don't. I guess there's just still too much around me left undone... But even if the house is clean, I manAged to play with the kids, I might even be happy for half an hour... In the end I still end up back on the couch in tears. I might logically say "well at least that's done" and KNOW that it's better doing something than not, but I don't FEEL any better... Sometimes worse because I'm even more tired and frustrated for feeling bad again. sigh I think I'm just too far gone :(
  12. I agree about the two types, but I think they're discovering it's more complicated than that... There's "mind" and "brain", and they used to think they were isolated but now they're learning that one can affect the other, the brain is much more plastic than previously thought. Thoughts and situations can affect your brain chemistry and vice versa. So I think while depression can initially begin one way or the other, once it's there it can get trickier to unravel. a stressful situation can cause depression, but it doesn't just affect your "thoughts" but your actual neurotransmitters... I'm no expert and to my knowledge even researchers aren't completely sure how it works, but they know they're linked. So it's possible a case of situational depression could affect your brain chemistry, essentially causing a chemical imbalance. And that may not correct itself after the situation resolves.
  13. Just wondering if anyone has tried Provigil for depression related fatigue? severe fatigue is one of my biggest problems... It seems like there had to be a medical reason but I suppose it could be just the depression, although I don't get as much sleep as I should. But no matter how much I catch up, I'm always exhausted. I was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea, but so far the cpap hasn't helped. ive been tested for about everything under the sun; thyroid is fine, iron, vitamin D, vitamin B levels are fine. My doctor wants me to follow up with sleep doc but he mentioned Provigil was a possibility if that doesn't help. reviews on Provigil seem pretty promising! I feel like having more energy would relieve a lot of my depression, but I suppose it could just give me energy but still be depressed. Any experiences?
  14. I've seen 6-7 pdocs in the last 10 years, tried about 15 medications and even more combos of those... Most pdocs tried a couple drugs then said they couldn't help me. The last two started pushing me to try ECT or TMS; I'm not mentally prepared for ECT and can't take time off work, so I'm doing TMS now, two weeks in. Also trying a higher dose of Lamictal, which worked once briefly, but pooped out. My doc wants to try a higher dose as I was only on 150mg. So who knows. my current therapist did point out that there's two sides to depression, basically your mood and your situation and how you deal with it. She basically said I could learn to cope with my situation better, but that is probably be miserable doing it still. Like be more productive. But the mood is largely controlled on the chemical side, and I'll need meds or TMS to lift the mood. Who knows. It sounds like she was saying she could help me function but not feel better.
  15. But surely after 6 months you'd see SOME benefit? I never got anything. I have to pay $20 copay per appointment, which adds up quick... I CAN afford it but I'd rather not waste my money on something useless. yeah just talking/venting doesn't help me, that I'm sure, and I've never gained any insight from it. Sometimes I think I sabotage myself, but I do try to do what they suggest, if they do suggest anything practical (except the church crap and making friends). It just seems like they're limited with methodology, everyone wants to do %#?!ing CBT which I find condescending, insulting and just not applicable to me. I don't have distorted thoughts or if I do I recognize them immediately as irrational and dismiss them. I don't really worry about the past or the future... I just feel miserable.
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