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Nopawn

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About Nopawn

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    DF member since Oct 13, 2003

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  1. Where are you, Nopawn??  I'm worried about you.

  2. Dear Lostsoul65, This is really hard to go through--all that you've explained about your situation. The first thing that occurred to me was that you call up a social worker who handles seniors. Perhaps they can direct you to some organizations where you would have company. I'm sure that your situation is not unique, although when you are experiencing such loneliness and depression, it probably doesn't seem that way. If you are religious, I've always thought church groups create and offer a sense of community. A lot of us can relate to what your wrote about not seeming able to accomplish anything, even if it is something simple. I know people who aren't even depressed, and they say they are just too burned out to deal with the pile of papers lying around their house, while at work they'd handle it in ten minutes. I sure know how you feel about not wanting to go out of the house, too. I don't have "fear" of going out of the house, I just want to stay safe in my home. So you aren't as alone in some of your feelings as you think. Others far younger, and in "good running condition" mirror your state of mind. It is all just too much, this world! I'm glad you are reaching out to us on the DF. We can be your electronic buddies, always around to keep you company. Wishing good things bounding towards your life. And, by the way, your dog must love you so much! You are important. You are wise. We're here for you. Nopawn
  3. dylfs, Strangely, I have been feeling the same as you all day. But, in my case, I'm married. And, I'm going through a serious medical situation that has sucked the verve out of my life. I do recognize, as you do, that at this time I am very down, depressed, anxious, and I have full sympathy for your feelings. But the one thing that I have learned is that this life we've been given is a great treasure. I know--it doesn't seem that way to you right now. But when you were with the girl/woman, you did feel more optimistic. So, perhaps the answer to feeling just a little bit better is to make some effort to help others out in some small capacity. (Like volunteer at a pet shelter?) And, of course, I do understand that right now this seems insulting and ridiculous to you, as you can barely find your way out of bed. I don't know if you like to read (I do) and one of my favorite subjects is quantum mechanics. It's not that I understand everything, but I'm curious. This field suggests that what we focus on is what determines our reality. There are all kinds of books in the self help category that have hitched themselves to this scientific principle. It's nothing new. But reading about it in science, makes it seem more "real" to me. Trust me on this: you are not the only 29 year old guy still living at home these days, nor to have a minimum wage job. Oh, I could tell you stories of others, much older, in your same situation. No shame there. These are strange and tough times for most people I know, even those who had good jobs, only to be "retired" due to some large corporation's bottom-line. Being "shy" is an adorable quality that a lot of women love, so that's not a negative. I hope the medication will help lift you up a bit, and I hope you make an effort to see yourself as someone who is in the "process" of learning lessons in life. We all go through growing pains. Don't do anything drastic when you're feeling down. That is why we are here. We understand. We've been where you are, and come out the other side. Today, think that there are hundreds or even more people who have read your post, and care, understand, and you aren't alone. Nopawn
  4. Golden One, I'm sorry you are facing this predicament, and I don't think I, or anyone else, just by reading your post, can give you any definitive answer. My own opinion, and it is just that...and opinion...is that our family of origin does play a huge part in our self development. It is almost impossible to clearly see our parents or siblings without distance from them (emotional and/or physical), which creates perspective by which to judge what's really going on. Whatever part your mother played in your feelings of low self esteem, unable to be yourself, she did the best that she could. Even if a mother was not a smothering mother, but someone who was cruel, at a certain point we come to realize that even the cruel mother did the best that she could. In families, lots of times, behavior patterns are passed down through generations. Maybe if you asked your mother more about her family, you'd pick up some clues as to what's happening. At a certain point, we all have to develop on our own, cut the strings, and learn to define ourselves. Perhaps your therapist is trying to help you do this. It doesn't mean that you have a "bad" mother, but simply that her very, very good mother style of parenting is thwarting your ability to think for yourself beyond the boundaries she has established. Wish I could be of more help. Maybe someone else can. Nopawn
  5. Hello, AnomalousSnowman, Instead of thinking there's something "not right" with you, what I got from your post is that there's a lot right with you. Of course, it will take time--like getting out of high school to begin to understand that you are a unique and talented person--the kind of person who does great things in the world. You do not generally find the high school prom queen or head of the study body to become much other than they were as teenagers when they become adults. Sometimes, the "glory" of their school days is the apex of their lives. Maybe some do have a modicum of success, but not the kind of life you have the capability to create once you are in college (I hope) or have the good fortune to fall into an area that needs your unique skills. When I was in high school, I went to four different schools. I, too, would stand at the sidelines listening to the popular girls talking, and I could never figure out what they were talking about. And I am not autistic. To me, they seemed like idiots--or speaking some ancient foreign language. I'm very smart, and I was at the time much prettier than I knew. I could "join" the in-circle, or at least hover around the sidelines. But did not have a lot of friends in high school, nor did I want them. l was different for a lot of reasons. Like you, I was gifted in an area--and sometimes people who are talented in a field--such as mathematics--are not going to fit in during high school. And, too, when I look back at photos of myself, there is not one that shows me smiling. There wasn't the bullying that went on when I was growing up, but there were a couple of incidents where I came close to being beaten up by a gang of girls from the so-call wrong side of the tracks. There was no reason for that encounter, it just seemed to be their "thing." I have a REALLY fertile imagination, and I can THINK of all manner of horrible things to do to people who are horrible. I once saw a psychiatrist who asked me what I would do to a guy to get back at him if I could do so. The poor psychiatrist--a man--almost fainted. But, of course, I kept it in my imagination. Most of us do. I think what you did was definitely wrong, in terms of hacking the bully's school work, but It is one of the funny stories that as an adult you can tell when you're with friends, and they'll laugh. But don't take the low road. Once you are on it, it is hard to get off. Just hover above the dummies and bullies while you are in school, and then leave them to their ridiculous, nasty, and ignorant lives. Come here to spout offf. We love a good spout! On your side, Nopawn
  6. Thehobgoblin, That was great advice Epictetus offered you. I'm going to use it myself, in fact. I really do understand the emotional stress of your situation, as I came from a crazy-making family myself. I got out, physically, when I was a little younger than you--because the school contacted the police about my physical condition, being beaten and so on. You are only 18, and once you find a way to leave your home and make your way in the world, gradually you can build a more secure life for yourself where you have control of the environment. Your mother's situation is different, and if you can help her, then you can try to do so. But remember, you can't live your mother's life. She has her life. You have your own life to live. She made the decision to stay with your father based upon what she knew. As I'm sure you are aware, we can't change other people. Just keeping in mind that you can build your own better future is something to keep in mind to get you through the rough times. And I know, from experience, that it takes many years of inner work to erase the damage that was heaped on us by crazy-making people. We have to be careful to see people as they truly are, when we form new relationships as adults, or we may just be setting ourselves up for a repetition of our family of origin's problems. Thanks for the recommendation of the book! Nopawn
  7. Padan80, Why are you boring? Why do you not have anything of substance to say? You are obviously intelligent, have a good job, and are a sensitive guy. Those are three things in your favor. What woman wouldn't count those three things as a plus? None. So...I'd work on having something to say when you do go out. There are a million interesting subjects to turn your interest to that you can discuss with females. As a female, I prefer to talk with men because I'm interested in science, philosophy, psychology, reading, films, etc. I've lived long enough now to understand that a lot of what we become in life is begun when we were kids. Look at your early beginnings. Then look again, and keep looking. It's a complicated topic--explore it, perhaps, and you may come up with some interesting insights that will help you. I don't know if they have groups in your area, but I once attended a group based upon adult children of alcoholic parents. Maybe some group interaction would build up your self confidence. You describe yourself as a really great person, who doesn't know his own self worth. I sincerely, deeply, hope that you never again try anything to end things for yourself. The world NEEDS good people like you, and you WILL find someone to make that special connection. Never give up. Never give up. With admiration for all the goodness you are. Nopawn
  8. Jessica, There is only so much that you can do as a friend. You are not a therapist or medical doctor. Maybe if you called your friend and gave her the number of a suicide hotline (there's a scroll at the top of the DF's site) you can let her make the decision to get help. You've been a good friend, but you also have to take care of yourself, too. Tell you friend that you care about her, and this is the best thing you can think of for her--seeking professional help. Best, Nopawn
  9. Welcome, Caz22, Wow, I wish I could feel as happy and energetic as you described, although maybe you should check in with your doctor to see if one of the meds needs to be tapered off a bit, so you are too wired. If things work, though, as I hope they will, what a wonder for you, such relief. Let us know how it goes! Nopawn
  10. Start where you are. There are many, countless (!) females who are just WAITING to meet some like you--attractive, intelligent, available, and sensitive. You are being needlessly too timid. But I understand. I know these feelings go way back to when you were young and growing up, afraid of being disappointed, afraid of having the dream die in front of you--which, in fact, it did. But, since you like philosophy, life is but a dream which we create. (See quantum physics, see the teachings of higher Buddhism, for examples.) When I was your age, I knew in a professional kind of way (I modeled and was a performer on stage), that I was very pretty but on an inner level, I felt worthless and spent my time working on intellectual pursuits and my talents. I never really dated. It took four times for the most popular senior boy in the high school to ask me to his senior prom, because I thought he had to be kidding. Think of yourself as an average nice guy, who will make someone fall for all the great inner things about you. By the way, have you ever thought that your good looks intimidate some of the females you meet? Happy expanding your outlook on life and dating! Nopawn
  11. Firefly89, I'm glad you were able to put into words the feelings you have developed over the years you've known abuse and loneliness due to that abuse. It is hard to capsulize the pain and the resultant fear of making a better life for yourself in the future. But you did a good job of expressing yourself, and show a lot of depth of character. Some other people on the Forum will no doubt chime in with their sympathy, and perhaps things you can do to set off on a new track that only you can travel, free from your miserable family background. I, too, a female, came from an emotionally and physically violent family. Deep inside, I knew what was going on was wrong and crazy-making, but there was nothing I could do about it. I pretended my life into some achievements, so I didn't suffer socially. But I was, and remain, always alone, which has nothing to do with managing outward social situations. If I had any advice, it would be to read a lot about family systems, have therapy, and find work in which you can use your talents. You will find some friends, and you can go slow in testing them out as people who are genuine and trustworthy, before you let them know a lot about yourself. This may sound harsh, if not impossible, but I'd keep a big distance from your family, if possible. If you must attend family functions, do so briefly, and leave as soon as possible. You are entitled to live a life free of personal attack and being made to feel insecure. You need to take care of yourself, and let your family members muddle through their own lives. Anyway, I'm sorry for your pain. I know it can get better, and I know you CAN have a happy in spite of a troublesome beginning. What you have experienced will make you a more intelligent and compassionate human being. First, though, be compassionate to your own self. Wishing you happiness and peace of mind that comes from deep wisdom. Nopawn
  12. Imp87, I can certainly understand how you would want to move far away and start over, after what you wrote happened due to your ex. Usually, I would say to someone that it doesn't matter where you go, as you take your own self with you. In other words, you may still have the same thoughts about having no luck, remembering what was done to you, etc., even if you moved ten thousand miles away. But in your case, maybe it might help you, if you're in a situation where memories are in your face all the time, making it harder for you to build a better life for yourself. But, still, you'd have to work out what happened and why, so you won't get yourself into a similar situation with someone else. It just might be easier, if you do this away from where things went wrong for you. I'm really sorry you're in this position. I was once in a position like you, with an ex husband who messed my life up big time. But things improved, and by the way, I did move. Wishing you calm and peace, Nopawn
  13. Wolfbane, I'm sorry that you had no replies to your post. I can't understand that, as I think just about everyone in life goes through feelings as you expressed after a breakup. It is pretty much NORMAL to feel and do what you've done. It is very hard to break away clean, without looking back, at a person you were once very close with. I read somewhere that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over the loss. So if you were together two years, figure in one year the worst pain would be over. If I were in your place, I'd tell myself comforting little lies. I'd tell myself that she is feeling just as badly as I am, but for reasons of her own can't show them to you or anyone else. And actually that may even be true. Sometimes, though, a relationship doesn't work out, and after quite some time has passed, we find that there was a good reason (for our own good) that it didn't. Stay strong, and keep your dignity! Nopawn
  14. Friendlygiant, I'm sorry you're having stressful times with your family, but concerned more about you getting behind the wheel of a car. One mistake in an automobile can be the end of life as you know it, aside from hurting others. And, of course, you already know this. You need to REMIND yourself a lot, so it doesn't happen again. Can you find some soothing...or maybe upbeat...music or some calming listening tape on mindfulness to listen to when you drive, and nix the Xanax for times when you are going to be home? It's good that you "fessed up" on what you need to work on. Stay safe! Come back here to let off steam. We'll be waiting.... Nopawn
  15. To me, that sounds like it could be a recipe for trouble with the family. It is a very nice gesture to make, but involving yourself in other than positive, light conversation might cause significant issues down the line should she take any measures that might be negative. I know you mean well, but I'd say she needs nonpareil counseling. It comes under the heading, "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished." I know, from personal experience.
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